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Thursday, 4 February 2016

6 Things the Internet Gets Wrong About Female Led Relationships

I'm still feeling cross and a little horrified.

There is no standard
Female Led Relationship 
A friend sent me the link to a Female Led Relationship site which offered "training courses". It was amazingly wrong headed and almost designed to discourage normal couples from considering  a Female Led Relationship.

I googled around and found more of this rot. I can't decide whether it's all male fantasy fodder, but it's certainly not representative of what you see on real FLR forums like At Her Feet.

So here are some corrections...

We like chastity and
discipline.
1. There is no standard Female Led Relationship.  There's no one right way to do an FLR because the "R" stands for relationship, and that's formed by both parties. Even in extreme cases where she dictates everything, the relationship is still defined by her preferences and what he will accept.

2. Female Led Relationships do not go through a standard progression. True, an FLR is a journey. However it's a journey together. More than one site describes the inevitable end point as her becoming a promiscuous "cougar" and him a hormone-popping chaste "cuck" who only gets access to her to clean up after a "bull". There's nothing wrong with people who want to live like that, but the reaction of most normal couples will be "Ewww!" Really, sites promoting this progression are mostly intended for masturbatory consumption.

Some FLR couples are entirely
kink free.
3. Most Female Relationships do not resemble 24/7 Femdom. OK, technically, if she's in charge, then it is "female dominant". However, it's not usually Femdom in the sense of  continuous protocol and erotic activity. Very few couples spend all their private time with, say, her in latex and him in a French maid's outfit.

4. Feminisation is not a standard part of a Female Led Relationship, nor is any other kink. The kink in a relationship depends on both partners. It can reflect shared preferences, or individual tolerance, or a trade off, but it rarely ticks all the porno boxes. We like chastity and discipline. Some couples are entirely kink free. Some like chastity with the honour system. Some like cross dressing. I know one couple where he is dominant in bed, but she decides whether or not to let him out of his chastity device.  I suspect that chastity and discipline are the most common elements, but the only certain sweeping statement is that an FLR is usually a Femdom friendly environment.

....not based on her feminine wiles
5. A Female Led Relationship is not based on her feminine wiles, nor her dominance, nor her ability to manipulate her man using sex.  This one really bugs me. Of course, all of this does go on in FLRs, but rarely all in the same FLR because - drum roll - it all depends on her leadership style. So the guy I read whining on about "why wouldn't she use flirtation to get her way?" Perhaps he married a modern assertive woman who wouldn't know the first thing about acting like a 1950s man eater. The whole point of an FLR is Female Leadership. A couple agree that she is in charge and - usually - pick tools she can use for quality control. If she needs to beat him or bully him or tease him just to get the dishes done, that's not FLR. He should be obeying her anyway.

If she needs to beat him or bully him
or tease him just to get the dishes done,
that's not FLR.
6. Submissive men are not weak, nor are all men fitted for Female Led Relationships. A lot of FLR sites reek of domism, the idea that dommes are innately superior to subs. While it's true that FLR men welcome female leadership, they may in all other ways be competent and even alpha members of society! Submissive is an orientation. It says nothing about your other traits and skills. Similarly, other sites push a gynosupremacist line, that - since they are naturally inferior - all men should submit to all women. This is - frankly - mostly wank material, like the ranting captions people like to add to erotic pictures. Though implicit FLRs seem common in the couples I know, there are also couples where he calls the shots, and also - rarer - where they are peers right down the line.

Honestly, when most couples transition to a Female Led Relationship, the shape of their relationship hardly changes, it just works better and they do more Femdom...


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12 comments:

  1. Very well written. We live a FLR and for awhile I felt we were doing something wrong as it was nothing like you read on the net. In RL I'm very dominate. In the home she is in control. She is better with money than I am. When a chore is to be done she mentions what she would like me to do. Vacuum, strip or make the bed. I never address her as Ma'am or Mistress it's yes dear. I do wear panties it was my idea and not as a submissive thing. I like the way they feel and she likes the way they look on me. In the bedroom she is again in control and tells me what she wants. I'm not a mind reader she may want just oral or want me to use a vibrator on her. She may want to get on top and ride me or want me to take her doggie. And yes she does spank me many time prior to sexual play and I love it. Starting out I asked for spanking now she says when she feels like spanking me and where with what and the position she wants me in. I know what she's doing is turning her on and that is what I want. Spank me dear and let me service you after it's great.
    archedone

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  2. I also find this whole topping from the bottom debate is not FLR silly and pointless. She is in charge because I put her in charge, so I’m in charge of her in charge of me… Or she leads because only I allowed it. If I allowed it then I’m really in charge. I can’t resolve this circular logic, so I just don't. Just enjoy Femdom without thinking too much.

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    Replies
    1. Since all D/S, including FLR is consensual (at least in the US and EU), she is in charge by agreement with you. However, in our case I gave my wife blanket consent. I no longer get a vote. Obviously, at any point I can stop but if I do, I risk our relationship. Trust is everything. It's only complicated on the Internet, not in real life.

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    2. "It's only complicated on the Internet, not in real life." Perfect.

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    3. To expand, it's all about scope and negotiating position. Power at one level - ability to withdraw consent - is different from moment to moment power. We are like sportsmen voluntarily subject to the rules of a sport to which, however, we have invested much of our lives.

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  3. I enjoyed reading this, thank you.

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  4. Well written and highly education. Might we repost to www.femalesupremacy.org (with links back of course)...

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    Replies
    1. With a backlink? I'm honoured! Please feel free to do so, and any other articles.

      (Note however that I'm not a political female supremacist; I just believe it works for a lot of couples.)

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  5. Nice summary of the problems with many sites. Madam took control only a couple of months ago, and we have intentionally limited the scope of her dominance to our sexual activities. It's unfortunate that according to some people our relationship is considered "only" kink - we are living it, not just playing. Your clarifications are helpful as we continue learning. Thanks!
    Bear

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    Replies
    1. Living it, yes. Our bedroom kink only started working when we started doing it "for real" and not pretending it was a game.

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