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Wednesday, 9 March 2016

Four Rules for Avoiding Getting Caught Doing Kink (Your Kink Zone is Bigger Than You Think It Is)

I noticed but said nothing. 

I once stayed over at a friend's house-warming party and noticed some nice fetters in amongst the jumble of boxes waiting to be unpacked.

I said nothing.

I'm kinky as hell anyway, but it even if I wasn't, it would hardly have been shocking.

And that's the thing. Most modern kinksters don't really lead a double life.

That's why this isn't a long entry on secret cupboards and locking trunks.

Sure, we keep our kink private but only because it's private. We no more lead a double life than vanilla oral sex enthusiasts who avoid talking about it socially.

If your broad-minded friend stumbles on your cage, then at worst it will lead to an interesting conversation.

If a more uptight friend pokes around and finds your slave collar - well they violated your privacy and what they saw is irrelevant because the friendship is now dead anyway.

So, our need for privacy is usually not very urgent. It's about politely avoiding giving Too Much Information...

Most modern kinksters don't
really lead a double life
...except when it isn't, when we're shielding ourselves from the Wrong People - usually family members - who will think our kink is toxic waste.

Lacking the paranoia that comes with a secret double life, we're not always good at this, e.g. Reddit thread that kicked off with:

Today my mother texted me to have lunch with her. Sure, no biggie. I recently as let my little brother borrow my laptop to type a paper.... Being the nosy little fuck he is, he went through my browser history and found my fet account...and proceeded to show my parents. Keep in mind I'm a 22 year old, and I don't live with them.
Well, this "lunch" turned into an intervention of shorts. (source)
And the thread filled up with stories of well-meaning family getting the wrong end of the stick about BDSM and seeing only mental health issues and abusive relationships.

Eek!

So how do you stop the Wrong People from catching you doing kink?

The trick is to think about exactly where the kink is in your life.

Kink spreads like smoke across unsecured boundaries:
  • If you unlock your sex toy box, and people are likely to open it, then kink is present in your entire bedroom. 
  • If you then unlock your bedroom door and people are likely to come through it, then kink is present in your entire house.
  • If you then unlock your back door, say for a garden party where everybody is coming and going, then kink is present in your garden as well.

Your Kink Zone is probably much wider
than you'd think.
It follows that your - call it - Kink Zone is probably much much wider than you'd think.

If your bookcase contains BDSM how-tos, or your laptop has a kinky browser history, then both are within that zone.

Once you let people inside the zone, then you are entirely relying on their good manners and your good luck to preserve your kink privacy.

The problem is that the Wrong People are often the most intrusive ones.

Imagine that garden party.

Aunt Mary notices that the bathroom needs new hand towels. She goes into your bedroom without asking - she's known you since you were in diapers and doesn't really get the personal space thing - and sees this big chest which must contain towels. "Oh? What are these chains for?"

Or the annoying younger sibling who will rummage around your laptop because they are an annoying younger sibling.

The big obvious rule from that uncomfortable thread is:

1. Don't let the Wrong People wander unsupervised inside your Kink Zone.


"Our bedroom is a mess - let us tidy it up first"
Once they are inside, the battle is already lost.

Fortunately, the boundaries of the Kink Zone usually coincide with more generally acceptable ones.

"Our bedroom is a mess - let us tidy it up first."

"I don't lend my PC because I need it to manage my social life."

"Don't go into the garage, it's full of dangerous wires and stuff."

It's all too easy to let these slide for family. But remember that if you hand over your PC to a relative, or let your grandfather rummage for tools in your garage, you might as well just show them your Fetlife account or St Andrews Cross so as to get the awkward conversation over with... 

There are three less obvious rules:

2. Be aware of the ebb and flow of your Kink Zone

Unless you are careful with user accounts, then your computer certainly is inside the zone.
If you have whip marks...your body
is probably also within the zone.
 

What about your body? 

If you have whip marks concealed only by a T-shirt, then your body is probably also within the zone. Don't go to a family pool event where somebody might yank at your shirt, "Come on, lad, get some sun on your pasty skin.... Oh My God!"

Only if you are aware of the shifting boundary can you manage access to your Kink Zone.

3. Keep your Kink Zone neat and manageable

Aunt Mary may ask about the locked
cabinet, but she won't find your
scold's bridle!
It's easier to defend your Kink Zone if you know where it is. 

For example, have a place for your sex toys, don't just leave them lying around spreading kink through your entire home.

It's even easier if you can keep the Kink Zone as small as possible. 

Putting a combination lock on your toy chest takes your bedroom, and hence your home and garden, right out of the zone. 

Aunt Mary may ask about the locked trunk, but she won't find your scold's bridle!

4. Have a response ready for when you are caught doing kink

Despite all this, the Wrong Person may still notice something.

Have a good response prepared, preferably a half truth or a downright lie. Most Wrong People just want an excuse for things to go back to normal. "OMG My computer was hacked" is a good place to start... But that's another blog entry.


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