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Wednesday, 1 June 2016

How to get a timid but potentially kinky partner to dominate you in bed

...scared the boundaries
will slip and they'll humiliate
or misuse you in real life.
It's startlingly common for a vanilla partner to try out a dominant role, enjoy it, but be afraid of that enjoyment.

I once had a girlfriend tell me, "I'm not comfortable with that kind of power." However, it's mostly a male thing; Dominating your wife or girlfriend goes against both traditional chivalry and modern feminist upbringing.

The three common problems are:

  • Not really believing you can want to be dominated like this.
  • Being scared the boundaries will slip and they'll humiliate or misuse you in real life.
  • Feeling that it's potentially a lot of effort just to get you off (since they are uncomfortable with embracing their own interest).

Here's what seems to work:

First, rather than trying to educate your partner - lecture them on BDSM culture, talk through the ethics and so on - explore with them.  Do some verbal only roleplaying in bed, weaving a fantasy together. If you it doesn't make you feel silly, use a non-real world setting; "I imagine you're a Viking and I'm your wilful Celtic slave..." or whatever to give it some distance. Take it in turns to add bits to the story. When you get really turned on, don't rush to bring out the bondage gear. Instead enjoy some mutual masturbation or sex.

Second, get a play collar. Tell your partner that they are ONLY allowed to dominate you when you're wearing it. This has two benefits: it's makes it really clear when you are and aren't playing - that should reassure him; and makes it easier for both of you to ask for kink - "Shall I/would you like to use the collar tonight?"

Third, when you do play, make it as sexy as hell for your partner. If you are female, bring out the stockings or whatever floats your lover's boat. If you are male, wear something they like, or - more plausibly - suggest starting with you providing a sensual massage while in a submissive role.

Learn how to how to walk the same Femdom path with your partner! 

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1 comment:

  1. You made some good points here. I hate to see people say they couldnt get their partner to play, and their first and only attempt started with something that could seem scary like an enema bag and 5 impact instruments. It should be sexy and beneficial to both parties. The play collar is a great idea.

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