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Monday, 31 October 2016

Ask Giles: Why are dommes often so hostile or dismissive of male subs?

A good proportion of male subs
aren't really psychologically
submissive even though
they might honestly identify
that way.
It's partly supply and demand.

Though the ratio of subs to dommes is something like 5:4, if you remove those who have paired (or poly'ed) off, you get more like 2:1.

This means that dommes can feel overwhelmed and also that if they chose there is no down side to being dismissive. Surrounded by needy men yelping "Pick me! Pick me!" it must be very tempting just to deliver irritated slap downs.

However, there's another thing going on as well.

A good proportion of male subs aren't really psychologically submissive even though they might honestly identify that way. (Sorry.)

These men are either "bottoms" looking for very specific kicks wrapped up in a fantasy, or masochists who therefore have an ambivalent relationship to their urge to submit (if they didn't it wouldn't ping their masochistic urges). The situation is similar to "enjoying gay sex doesn't make you gay".

To make matters worse, the high visibility of articulate and highly skilled prodommes sets all sorts of odd expectations for those men who haven't thought it through. It's the equivalent of agreeing to cook a meal with a friend but actually expecting a restaurant experience.

There's a feminist angle to this as well. Just as the 1970s sexual revolution "freed" women to behave like unpaid sex workers, the 21st century BDSM boom seems to be "freeing" dominant women to behave unpaid prodommes. (rant here)

So, dommes end up experiencing a lot of flip-flopping confusing and flaky behaviour, some of it dishonest.

Which is why many of them have come to distrust male subs.

UPDATE Over on Reddit where I posted the first draft of this, adomme who posts as "adventureismycousin" said:
You know you're there for a Domme's pleasure. But out of a call for submissive men that I sent out earlier this year, and the 35 or so men who responded, only 0 of them were really submissive.
Zero. None. Not a one.
I spent time and energy vetting these guys, apologizing for tardiness to more than half (monogamous as a Domme because I get that invested in my boy), only to find out that I was just a fetish dispenser.
 Go look at the original thread: It's illuminating.


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2 comments:

  1. My sense is that there are few truly submissive people of either sex, which is a good thing! Like the old joke, "the whore said she'd do ANYTHING for $20, I told her to wash my car."

    Subbies are in it for their own pleasure. Dommes should be in for their own pleasure as well. When they come together, they should care about each others' pleasure. For a subbie, that certainly includes not topping from the bottom during a scene, else it's actually not enjoyable for either party. For a Domme that includes figuring out ahead of time what turns the subbie's crank and giving them the experience they crave.

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  2. That's the BDSM as "fair exchange" model, which is fine. However, from a submissive point of view it's two people running a simulation for each other... This requires a longer explanation. Hmmm.

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