Become Her Slave!

My once-vanilla wife now loves keeping me as her chaste slave. Learn how to get some Femdom in your life too!

Wednesday, 5 July 2017

How to tell which BDSM fantasies are OK to do in real life

Whips from Fred Norman
The other night, Xena merrily beat the hell out of me with  a selection of whips that Fred Norman sent us, including one he'd thoughtfully marked, "Xena use with love."

It hurt like hell.

I was yelping, groaning, straining.

However, I couldn't get away. I was strapped into a bondage bar. I couldn't get free if I wanted to.

I could have, in theory, used a safe word. However, that's not really in my mindset.

So I was to all intents and purposes utterly at Xena's mercy while she actually punished me for actual things that made her actually cross.

Oh and I was also locked into a chastity device, with no prospect of an orgasm for at least a few days.

Xena merrily beat the hell out of me 
So real punishment. Real denial. Fifty lashes that left me shaking, just short of weeping, and deliciously terrified of my wife, and still in need of an orgasm.

It turns me on just writing about it. However, the experience was so painful that I'm scared of the next time - which is perfect, because it was supposed to be punishment. Oh and living under the threat of such harsh treatment is both psychologically satisfying and a turn on - a pity about the chastity device I'm locked into right now...

Not really a game in any practical sense of the word.

Ten years ago, I would have fantasised about this, perhaps tried to get Xena to simulate the experience in nerfed form: lighter whips or a nice soft flogger, and I would have been allowed to get myself off at the end. "Have you been a naughty boy then....?"

Metal bondage, for example, can lead to
nerve damage. 
Which leads me to: How can you tell which fantasies it's OK to experience for real?

I'd say you can do a fantasy for real if you can answer "yes" to the following three questions:

1. Can the fantasy be done by consenting adults? We can skip this first point - it should be a no-brainer.

2. Is the fantasy realistic? A lot of fantasies ignore the awkward or unpleasant realities. Most extreme fantasies can and should fall at this hurdle, because deep down people know that, for example, mutilation really, really hurts, other men smell of male sweat and semen, and with the exception of vaginal juices, most of us find other people's bodily fluids taste and smell foul.

3. Is the fantasy safe to do? Assuming that your fantasy only involves consenting adults and is also close to the reality, then really all that matters is whether it's physically and emotionally safe to do.

 The person who actually lives out a fantasy
is surely less of a "loser" than the
mere fantasist!
Some BDSM activities are more physically dangerous than they seem, sometimes to the point of being life changing or potentially lethal. Metal bondage, for example, can lead to nerve damage. There are also, for example, things that shouldn't happen to your anus. The only way to be sure is to research whatever you're into and adjust accordingly.

Depending on who we are, some BDSM activities may be psychologically dangerous. 

People often exaggerate this fear! Is there really much difference between being a person who masturbates over a kinky activity and one who actually does it for real? Surely, matter how sordid and humiliating the act, the person who actually lives it out is surely less of a "loser" than the one who merely jerks off to it!

However, if you've been abused, or assaulted, if you have some deep-seated ideas about masculinity, then there are things that may trigger your or damage your self image. It's your job to introspect or even talk to a therapist to work out whether you're going to be OK. It may also be wise to approach doing it for real, whatever it is, slowly and with a sympathetic and fully informed partner.

BDSM isn't radioactive waste. 
Similar cautions apply to fantasies that may damage your relationship. If, for example, cuckolding is your bag (it's not mine, but horses for courses), and assuming your partner really does consent, then you still need to consider what this will do to your relationship... the one in which you have invested precious years and perhaps built a family around. 

If the fantasy passes these three tests, then it's probably OK to try it in real life.  

There's no guarantee you'll actually "like" it. 

You may find yourself irritated, angry, in pain, bored... 

It doesn't really matter! 

BDSM isn't radioactive waste. It's not a disaster if something you thought you might like turns out to be a let down. Just be sure to thank your playmate or partner for giving it a shot. You've not really lost anything.

However, my experience is that if it's consensual, realistic and safe, then the reality of a fantasy is far better than the, um, fantasy of the fantasy...

Learn how to how to walk the same Femdom path with your partner! 

CLICK HERE to download my Femdom Erotica (all written while chaste!)
(For ebook format, 
Lulu or iTunes.)

Tuesday, 27 June 2017

Safe Words and Consent in our Female Focused Femdom

Our Femdom only really started working
for both of us when it stopped being play.
You know, I have never ever used my safeword with Xena.

Nor have I used "traffic lights" or, since we stopped thinking of our Femdom as "play", tried to direct the action.

In fact, our Femdom only really started working for both of us when it stopped being play.

I do from time-to-time give her feedback, but it's of the technical variety, as in "I can't stay still for this, mistress, you need to tie me up." Occasionally, "Sorry mistress, cramp! Let me go."

There's no break in the dynamic, not stepping out of character because we are the characters.

Of late, I haven't really negotiated either. I'm still the one who provides the new ideas, but as a facilitator. It's up to me to suggest and her to pick and choose, and she only goes with innovations she likes.

We don't have the layer of fantasy or roleplay, nothing is simulated. If Xena acts angry, it's because she is angry. If I'm serving her, I'm really serving. Punishment is real punishment (yes the hazard turns me on, but that's different).

So we don't really fit into the BDSM mainstream.

What triggered this entry was blogger "A Strange Desire" talking about a similar approach to Femdom.

I don't share his scathing feelings about the BDSM scene; horses for courses, I think. However, I do think the emphasis on negotiated "play" is not useful for established couples like us where one partner is deeply submissive, and the other likes uncomplicated control.

However, I do diverge from him when he writes...
....I reject the use of safe words. If I can stop an activity with a single word, then I am in control, and I don't want to be in control. A safe word discourages progress in the activities, and reinforces the sense of unreality, because we can stop and step out of the activity at my whim.
Punishment is real punishment.
As I said, we do have a safeword, but have never needed it. However, our safeword is really a safety word.  I would only use it if there was an actual safety concern that couldn't be, or wasn't being, handled within the dynamic.

This emphatically does not give me power of veto, or the ability to skip tracks.

As a submissive in established Female Led Relationship, I find it hard to think outside our dynamic. I'm also terrified of breaking the Femdom. I'd rather put up with something unpleasant than have that happen, and the more I've suffered, the less willing I am to throw away my "investment". Finally, the knowledge that I'm trapped by my own kink is itself a kinky turn on.

My consent is therefore, for most purposes, irrevocable. And we both like it that way.

Learn how to how to walk the same Femdom path with your partner! 

CLICK HERE to download my Femdom Erotica (all written while chaste!)
(For ebook format, 
Lulu or iTunes.)

Monday, 26 June 2017

Venus in Furs: Wanda and the Original Pushy Sub from Hell

Venus in Furs
I got my copy of Venus in Furs before the Internet.

I had a student job in a highstreet bookstore. When things were quiet, I'd get a guilty thrill looking up kinky works in Books in Print. (This involved using a microfiche - actual microfilm reference cards you had to consult through a special viewer.)

And, OMG, Venus in Furs turned up in the catalogue! The book by Leopold von Sacher-Masoch who'd given his name to what I was: "a masochist".

I'd read about the book in a history of sexuality, but never really thought of it as something I might own, let alone read. I had to have it.

So I dithered, and obsessed and finally - betting that the nice ladies in the order department wouldn't know what it was - ordered it.

Weeks of guilty waiting... and it arrived.

It was everything I'd hoped for and more, and much less.

Let me explain.

Femdom as something mythic,
darkly poetic and primal
It's a Victorian-era romantic novel about Severin, who's obsessed with the idea of being dominated by a cruel mistress. He meets Wanda, a wealthy widow, who is intrigued enough to try to satisfy his urges and take him as her slave. Beset by qualms, she determines to "cure him" by taking an alpha male lover and having the chap beat our hero. We close with Severin, dreams of submission rejected, now living a suspiciously preformative hyper macho life with his own harem.

As a work of erotica, it's a failure. There are several sensual events, but delivered in summary. Only the whippings and beatings get loving detail.

As an erotic  romance, it's both engaging and uncomfortably realistic. The lovers struggle and fail to get the dynamic right. All the classic femdom relationship tragedies are here.

Wanda is a dominant woman. She is at once drawn to what we now call Femdom, and at the same time ambivalent about following somebody else's script.

Meanwhile, Severin is the archetypal pushy sub: Me me me do it this way I want you to spontaneously dominate me but in the way I imagine me me me ME! ME!

He doesn't know what an empowered
woman looks like...
To be fair, he's trapped in extreme Western patriarchy. He doesn't know what an empowered woman looks like, let alone a dominant one. He must resort to history and legend for archetypes, and otherwise extrapolate from his own submissiveness... and we know how that goes.

He also - and this is a classic thing - thinks of a dominant woman as so very Other that he has to other himself in order to be with her. He doesn't get that a real dominant woman is most likely to want a considerate lover, companionship and a wider life*. So he presents himself as a willing servant with "benefits" and harsh discipline.

*This is one reason why my Femdom erotica generally has the dominant female form a lesbian relationship.

The result is a realistically predictable train wreck of a relationship, except in that Severin gets his homoerotic payoff, which we vaguely suspect is the point of the exercise.

It would have been nice - useful! - if Sacher-Masoch had shown how the romance could work out and had them end up in a stable Female Led Relationship with heaps of Femdom in the bedroom.

But no, the original Masochist was also an emotional masochist. On some level he wanted the disaster at the end. The novel is an articulation of his sexuality, but he doesn't appear to have learned anything in the writing of it. Go read about his life. It's excruciating.

We're left with a picture of a writer and a protagonist for whom women are just a means to an end. He wants his experience, and damn the fallout for other people.

Wanda remains herself throughout. 
But even so, one aspect of Venus in Furs is rather marvellous:

Submission - Femdom - is presented as something mythic, darkly poetic and primal.

We open with a dream vision of the Goddess Venus in furs (duh!) by the fireside. Then there's a mesmerising sequence in snow-covered parkland where Severin discovers the statue of Venus also draped in furs.

Wanda and Severin try to do Femdom for real. Wanda remains herself throughout. She doesn't have recourse to pornodomme speak ("My Divine Will shall be imposed on my Grovelling Worm of a Slave... etc").

For me, all this was as liberating as it was validating!

It took me a million miles away from the stock 1980s PVC and rubber Personal Services image of BDSM  ("have you been a  naughty boy?") and gave my sexuality back its dignity.

So I'm glad I read this book when I did, but wish I'd had something a bit more informative to read...

Learn how to how to walk the same Femdom path with your partner! 

CLICK HERE to download my Femdom Erotica (all written while chaste!)
(For ebook format, 
Lulu or iTunes.)

Friday, 19 May 2017

Crap People Say About Dominants #1

Frankly, it's stupid and unhelpful to make
dominance look any more complicated
than it actually is. 
Sometimes I see something on the Internet and feel a little despair for the younger generation of kinksters, and for those older ones just finding themselves.

This particularly pernicious meme is a good example.

It implies that a "true dominant" take on some sort of paternalistic leadership role in the relationship. Not all dominants or subs actually want this!

It also doesn't really make sense. Dominant is a sexual orientation (or near as damn it). Substitute in "Gay Man" for dominant, and the meme is revealed as... special.

"Would you still be a Gay Man even if it meant that there would be absolutely no sex involved?"

I mean, really?

And what parts of the lifestyle are non-sexual? Speaking as a sub, power exchange itself is sexy, and any resulting punishments, commands, standing orders and protocol turn me on.

Frankly, it's stupid and unhelpful to make dominance look any more complicated than it actually is.

Especially if you are a sub, think twice before you pass on stuff like this.

Ask yourself whether this would encourage or discourage a young dominant from exploring his or her sexuality! 

Beyond that, I suppose its heart might be in the right place. 

There are reputed to be a lot of (mostly) men who use dominance as "just" a way to get the sex they like, and lots of it.

To me that is actual dominance: using BDSM to get what you normally couldn't or shouldn't have. For a certain kind of sub, that kind of dominant would be fantastic. The only challenge would be not giving it away for free: insisting that they use the tools of BDSM to get what they want.
"Dominants: If you don't like service
topping, please don't pretend that you do." 

However, this type of dominant is dishonest because they misrepresent themselves as more mainstream kinksters, interested in negotiation and fulfilling their partners' needs... essentially dominants who service top.

But then if your submission is all about your needs, then don't you really need a "top"? Aren't you really mostly a bottom misrepresenting yourself as a sub?

If I was less charitable, I would find this situation amusing: Fake sub encounters fake top... hilarity ensues...

A better meme might be: "Dominants: If you don't like service topping, please don't pretend that you do."

Learn how to how to walk the same Femdom path with your partner! 

CLICK HERE to download my Femdom Erotica (all written while chaste!)
(For ebook format, 
Lulu or iTunes.)

Monday, 15 May 2017

24/7 Chastity: Getting my lockup right for my wife

Sometimes you don't see what's in front of your eyes. Xena, my wife of two decades, has been my mistress for about three years of Female Led Relationship. I'm still responsible for suggesting things that might please her. Even so, up until this point I've got the male chastity track a little wrong.

The Penalty Days system works great. I can only come during the week. My orgasm day is supposed to be every Monday. However, Penalty Days shift that day back - see the side bar for the end result.

The neat twist is Xena's orgasms earn me penalty days: I watch while she masturbates under the covers, 1; I get a good view while she masturbates, 2; I get to help,  3; I get to use the strapon on her, 4; and, for each set of sexy clothing she wears, 1.

That works. She loves the idea of her pleasure scaring me, and also denying mine.

However, we never quite got the actual lockup right.

We tried me being locked up as much as possible and reporting back, but she never punished me for my decisions.

We tried me asking each evening about lockup the next day, but she always erred on the side of being too reasonable.

Then we got my lovely new horribly practical custom chastity device. I'd been using cable ties up until this point. Now, however, there were keys!

We tried her having my keys, and me having to ask to unlock. This irritated her - me having to fish in her handbag and so on - but also, again, she always granted my requests.

We had one of our rare long chats about it. She said my lock up didn't mean much to her, what did it mean to me. I rambled on a bit, then conversation over.

I was perplexed, because I'd noticed that when I did the two weeks trial of the new device, she'd been particularly dominant. She'd also seemed very laid back about the possibility of me testing a permanent system. It might not mean much to her, but she seemed to enjoy the effects.

It took me two days to realise what she really needed to know was that her controlling my lockup made me more instinctively submissive to her. That didn't solve the problem of how to manage the lockup.

These days, Xena erotically, Xena is pretty much a Diva when energised, and a Hermit when tired:

Xena's Intimacy Mode Chart

I explained this system in my Vanilla Dominatrix book, but in a nutshell, my wife is not really very erotically interactive. She blows hot or cold, but never stops to play or bask in my admiration. Instead, she either rampages around unfettered in Diva Mode, being magnificently sexy and cruel, or else shuts down and just gets her way in Hermit Mode.

What she doesn't want is input from me! For example, when she whips me, she wants me to be stoical and make as little noise as possible. When she masturbates while I look on from the corner, I must kneel quietly... no groaning or squirming.

This explains why in the last couple of years she's never been that interested in whatever chastity milestone I've attained - that's all about me and the drama of my suffering. She has, however, always taken a satisfaction in my current inability to cum and my future chastity.

Most of all, she wants the certainty of things she's decided to stay decided so she doesn't have to make more decisions. Thus, for Xena, any chastity lockup system requiring constant consultation is bound to be a fail.

I had sort of  (in the way we masochists think) hoped that she might go all Diva on me: "YOU WILL STAY LOCKED HAHAHAH!" But instead, each discussion triggered her sense of responsibility, forcing her to at least consider input from me, including how long I'd already been locked etc etc.

Which is why I bought a Kitchen Safe time lock safe. We could have one brief discussion for each period and then - subject to emergencies when the safety key could come out - I'd remain locked.

I presented the box to her on Saturday night.

She considered the dial and tutted. "I'm never sure about sports. What about if you got injured running?" she said, "or at football?"

"Running's fine and I take the emergency key to football. It's in my coat with my wallet and so on, so if I ended up in an ambulance with a broken ankle I'd have it."

"But what about the paramedics?"

I shrugged. "They're used to fishing things out of people's backsides. It would be slightly embarrassing but not life changing."

"OK," she said and I got to watch as her elegant finger turned the dial. She paused to do a calculation then clicked the button. "I've given you six days and eight hours," she said, handing me the safe.

The feeling was indescribable. A kind of erotic panic, the kink equivalent of walking over one of those glass bottomed canyon bridges.

She didn't tell me her feelings.

However, she did masturbate while I watched, kneeling in the corner, thus costing me another penalty day.

Learn how to how to walk the same Femdom path with your partner! 

CLICK HERE to download my Femdom Erotica (all written while chaste!)
(For ebook format, 
Lulu or iTunes.)

Sunday, 14 May 2017

The (highly pervertable but not designed for self-bondage) Kitchen Safe time lock safe

A time lock safe!
The Kitchen Safe is a relatively inexpensive mass market time lock safe.

That is to say, it has a lock controlled by a countdown timer.

Make no mistake. The Kitchen Safe is not designed as a self-bondage key safe.
Frequently Bought Together!

The website, which I won't link to for fear of embarrassing the no-doubt very vanilla company, makes a big thing about how the safe helps with impulse control and mental addiction.

The FAQs are full of questions about whether it will take a game controller and so on. I am certain most of their sales are for people who want to, say, lock up the chocolate cookies until 5pm the next day.
Even so, when Amazon - where I bought mine - shows us frequently bought together, guess what we see?

Because though it has many worthy, normal, vanilla uses, the Kitchen Safe is also the Holy Grail of self bondage and male chastity...

(And if you ended up on my blog because you are worried about your chocolate addiction, and don't feel comfortable with BDSM, then now really is a good time to go elsewhere!)

Monday, 8 May 2017

Unlocking a snug custom male chastity device after 2 weeks - lessons for long-term 24/7 wear

Computer simulation of the snug tube.
Mine is actually black!
 A few weeks ago, I unpacked my new Custom Chastity device, put it through the dishwasher then locked it on and handed the key to my wife (more about the device including pictures of me wearing, here).

Just over 14 days later, I removed the device. It's been more on than off ever since, so I've been able to observe the effects of different decisions.

First, a caveat: This is a custom device. It literally fits just right. It's snug but just loose enough not to cause weird skin bulges. The design makes it easy to pee, and doesn't cause abrasions. So what follows applies when all other things about the chastity device are right.