Become Her Slave!

My once-vanilla wife loves keeping me as her chaste slave. Find out how we ended up in a Female Led Relationship!

You can enjoy the Femdom lifestyle too, if you dare. Let me show you how to sell yourself to your vanilla wife or girlfriend as a part-time slave!

Saturday, 6 December 2014

Testing a 3D printed chastity device for hygiene

While I'm waiting to get my new Espresso chastity device - I thought I'd do some tests on the old "beta" one.

I don't mean comfort tests - I've already done that! I mean that I want to know more about the material - white nylon - which is not rated positively as "food safe" and in theory may be porous.

I did two tests - and I should state now that I'm not any kind of scientist.

First, I weighed the device, soaked it overnight, shook off the loose water and weighed it again. End result, same weight before and after. I conclude that the nylon material did not soak up any water. It follows that it's actually solid behind the eggshell-like surface. No wicking takes place.

Next, I wanted to check the surface. The texture is great for comfort, but is it a bacteria trap?

I figured the real question is; Can I get it clean?

I got some thick food coloring, smeared some on the tube, then soaked the tube in a solution of it:
I laid it to dry on a radiator for a few hours:
You can see that the inside is also stained: 
Then I tried to clean it. 

Cold and warm water had not much effect, nor did hot soapy water and a scrubbing brush. So I put the device in the dishwasher at 65 degrees:

 Yes, it came out 100% clean with no trace of the stain inside or out.

This suggests that putting it through the dishwasher will clean even heavy soiling. I suspect that the gloopy food coloring was especially difficult to remove, so when I get the next version I'll stick to hot water and soap and keep an eye - nose! - on the smell and perhaps put it through the dishwasher every week.

I'm also wondering whether the new version will turn out to be more hygienic than my Holy Trainer 2.  The eggshell surface let me slide my balls into the base ring with no lubrication. I'm hoping that it'll be similarly easy to get into a properly sized production version of the Espresso. Since lotion is a potential bacteria trap, this will be a major hygiene improvement. Add to that the perforations to make it breathable, and the device seems promising...

Don't resign yourself to just getting off on other people's adventures! When we started out, my wife was vanilla. Use my manuals to help you walk the same Femdom path! There's one for him, and one for her

Monday, 1 December 2014

Cheap 3D printed chastity device now in production

Pedro can't depict the device
correctly assembled on the 3D
print site!
Last month, I was lucky enough to beta test Pedro's 3D printed chastity device.

It was pretty amazing.

It has an "eggshell finish".

You'd think the roughness would be an issue. However what it really meant was that the skin was happy to slide over the surface without creating air pockets - there wasn't much need for lubricant to get into the thing - and at the same time, once installed, it gripped the scrotum as firmly as if glued, meaning morning wood was a non-issue.

...but here's what it looks like!
There's also some chatter that the material isn't certified "food safe". However, though the surface is not smooth, it seems to be non-porous. I soaked it overnight, shook it off and weighed it. No change. No absorption. (It's certainly body safe, judging from the jewelry and toys people make using the same service.)

Well now, Pedro has rolled out the production models of the Key Holder Dream X3 "espresso" and it's available for a price that compares well with nasty chrome-plated knockoffs from the Far East. It's also looking like a good replacement for the Holy Trainer 2.

He's made a couple of changes based on feedback from testers like me:

  • No rear flange on the ring.
  • Base ring perforated for better air circulation and longer wear.
  • Variety of pegs to fit the locking mechanism, including a sheath that fits the Holy Trainer 2 magic locker. (You can also order a trailer hitch lock for a "magic locker" from Amazon easily.)

I'm hoping I can get a review copy of this device sometime soon. Otherwise it's on my wish list.

Don't resign yourself to just getting off on other people's adventures! When we started out, my wife was vanilla. Use my manuals to help you walk the same Femdom path! There's one for him, and one for her

Thursday, 6 November 2014

Keyholder Dream X3 Espresso Short: Testing a prototype 3D Printed Male Chastity Device

I was thrilled when my friend Pedro offered me a prototype of his new 3D printed chastity device -- the last time anybody sent me a kinky gift, was when Fred Norman gave me one of his famous floggers.

The device uses a trailer hitch lock for a "magic locker" so I ordered one up ahead of time. It also has an interesting anti-pullout detector requiring neoprene cord, so I got some of that as well. Then I waited...

The device arrived three days early! The packaging was discrete -- it came from Shapeways in the Netherlands so there was no problem with customs duties etc.

I took out the pamphlets, and there it was all sealed up looking like something out of Star Wars!

The device arrives in a sealed bag:

It arrived assembled, so it was clear the parts fitted together. Here it is with the locker I bought separately:

The locker slid in easily,  though the angle threw me at first:  

Here it is with my other devices. Note that the Espresso has a much bigger bulb than the HT2:

And finally, nestling up to my Holy Trainer 2 and its magic locker (perspective makes the Espresso look larger, but they are a similar size):

So I washed it with soap and water then dunked it in sterilizing solution, rinsed it then tried it on!

First Impressions: Keyholder Dream X2 Espresso Short

  • Though this is a prototype, it still looked very hi-tech and cool. The parts fit together perfectly, though the locker gives the tube a couple of millimeters forward/back play.
  • Being 3D printed, there are no blemishes, no seams, no sense that the thing might split. All the edges are smooth.
  • The design is very solid. You can tell it's the work of an engineer. The slider is deep so there's no chance of the tube levering out and then breaking part of the locking mechanism.
  • The eggshell finish -- a result of the 3D printing -- is truly wonderful. It's not abrasive. However, being not smooth, it lets the skin slide across it fine -- no need for lubrication on the bass ring! In a minor miracle, the same texture grips very firmly indeed when there is pressure.

Installing the Espresso device

It took a couple of tries to work out how to get into the device. The challenge is getting all the way into the tube. Here's what worked for me: 
  1. Without lotion, install the base ring as snugly against the body as possible. Make sure it's aligned right, it's almost impossible to twist the thing once it's on.
  2. Apply lotion to the penis and the upper inside surface of the tube. 
  3. Install the tube. The penis should slide right to the end.
  4. Lock the device. :)

Thanks to the espresso perforations, the lotion quickly disperses, leaving your penis dry.

Wearing the Espresso device

I've worn this device for an afternoon and overnight, and I'm wearing it as I type. 

I couldn't get the pullout detector working properly so I won't discuss this in detail, except to say that the concept is a good one and that it just needs a different position.

I'm not used to having such a wide base ring, so a couple of times I bumped my balls when sitting down. It's certainly a far more intrusive device than the Holy Trainer 2, though I may well get used to it. As long as the ring is snug against the groin, it's OK under close-fitting jeans. Kneeling and bending is no problem. If it's not snug, it pinches and scrunches!

Once on, it's almost impossible to adjust and this makes it feel very secure ideed. With the Holy Trainer 2, you can pull your scrotum this way and that, position the device just right. Try that with the Espresso and it just hurts (which is why it's important to install it correctly in the first place.) This tightness and the wide bass ring means you can't wear it 24/7. There's simply no way of adequately cleaning all your parts - though perforating the bass ring might fix this. However, it also means that it would hurt to pull out of.

If installed properly, the Espresso is generally comfortable to wear, perhaps slightly less than the HT2 (though, as I said, I may grow used to it). The big head bulb seems to make it harder to align slit to slot for peeing compared to the HT2, but the design is very forgiving; the pee never pools or spatters. At worst, you get two streams, both headed outwards. You can certainly sit and pee with confidence. (It's possible I need a device that's 1 cm shorter, or that there's some trick I need to learn.)

It's actually really comfortable to sleep in. I didn't remotely expect that. It's light, so it doesn't weigh down on your genitals and the wider base ring seems to stop it becoming misaligned.  This morning's "morning wood"was no problem. I may have simply slept through it, however I suspect that the grip is so firm that the device catches and restrains the usually unstoppable erection. There was no sense that  it pushed the device away from my body thus stretching my balls, an experience that even happens with the Holy Trainer 2.

Finally, being turned on while wearing the Espresso is a pretty wonderful sensation. Not only does it trap your penis as required, it also stays close to the body. There's no comedy half-stiffy with the device clutching the end of your dick like an overambitious snake trying to consume another snake.

Conclusions: Writing on the wall for established CB makers (and for China)

Pedro's chastity device isn't perfect -- it's a prototype. However, it's nearly perfect and already much better than the cheap Chinese device I have. A few tweaks and we'll have a cheap robust male chastity device with a magic locker and a pull-out detector, available in a huge range of styles and sizes, 3D-printed on demand. 

Pedro must be one of the first to nail this, but he can't be the only one and he certainly won't be the last.

This has implications: 

Hobbyists will push down the price of chastity devices. Pedro's betas come in at between EUR80 and EUR100 plus postage, but I doubt he could push the price any higher even if he wanted because some other hobbyist would undercut him. And 3D printing is only going to get cheaper.

The quality of male chastity devices will improve. 3D printing lets amateurs and moonlighting engineers like Pedro tinker with designs and then update their product almost immediately. Contrast that with how long it's taking Holy Trainer to fix their design and material issues thanks to having to change their manufacturing process, deal with contractors etc etc. The market will soon no longer support chastity devices that pinch, crack or snap.

People will soon prefer to buy 3D printed chastity devices. Not only will they be cheap and made to measure, they'll also have the major advantage of being manufactured locally, getting around the whole import duty hazard.

So I think that unless they drop their prices and improve their quality, or shift to 3D printing, we'll soon be saying goodbye to the CB range and to Holy Trainer, with only the silicon devices as holdouts. 

Don't resign yourself to just getting off on other people's adventures! When we started out, my wife was vanilla. Use my manuals to help you walk the same Femdom path! There's one for him, and one for her

Saturday, 25 October 2014

So, do subs have particular emotional or relationship issues? (A personal view)

...subs -- who would have
guessed? -- get cross if
you imply that we are in any
way inferior or broken
A while back I started a thread of this name on the Reddit SubSanctuary. I had thought it being a sanctuary for subs it would be a safe space for this kind of discussion. However, it I accidentally pushed some buttons; subs -- who would have guessed? -- get cross if you imply that we are in any way inferior or broken!

The dismissive responses and my considered responses made in the... sanctuary of my own blog were pretty much along the lines of:
  • "We're just the same as everybody else, just with a different way of doing sexuality!" - But the difference must logically mean we have specific issues. Not more or less, just specific to us.
  • "A study proves we're really emotionally healthy!" - I'm sure we are. I'm just interested in the landscape we have to negotiate.
  • "How dare you imply we're different!" - LOL. I'm typing this response while wearing a chastity device my wife "makes" me wear. You're probably sporting whip marks and pierced privates. of course we're the same as everybody else. Really.
The more engaging but contrary responses (again, with my considered responses), were:
  • "Purely erotic submissives - bedroom subs and bottoms - don't seem to have any specific problems." - Presumably because the kink is compartmentalized. 
  • "You can be submissive and still not have a bad-boy/bitch fixation, meanwhile vanilla folks can suffer from this." - I wonder how vanilla the dynamic of the bad-boy/bitch fixation really is.
Two subs, however, both said something that indicated:
  • "Some subs derive self-worth from service". 
So an interesting thread, but ultimately not one that reflects what I actually see on the Sub Sanctuary and elsewhere on BDSM Reddit.

My take on the main emotional or relationship issues for subs

Sexual submission, however,
look weak.
Here's what I think the main emotional or relationship issues are for subs:

Our submissive kink is almost by definition humiliating and can make us look weak (and for female subs,  anti-feminist etc) 

If somebody discovers you are a sexual dominant, they may decide that you are wicked or evil, but they won't think you're weak or pathetic. Sexual submission, however, does look weak.

I think this leads to issues like shame, secretiveness and defensiveness. It can take us forever to bring up our needs with a partner, and we can often do it in such a tentative way that we irritate rather than entice them.

I certainly wasted years trying to spin my submissive nature as merely being sexually adventurous.

Since submission can be a gift, we sometimes mistake all our kinks for gifts

If I clean Xena's shoes then
that's a gift. If I lick them
clean, then that's just me
being a fetishist 
Doing things for another person, building them up, treating them like a god... that can be a gift, especially if that person identifies as a dominant.

However, many of our submissive kinks and fantasies don't offer much benefit to the dominant.

For example, if I clean Xena's shoes then that's a gift. If I lick them clean, then that's just me being a fetishist unless she specifically likes the idea. This is very true of kinks that require any kind of effort from the dominant.

I see lots of posts where people complain that their significant other isn't dominant enough, doesn't put effort into protocol, punishment, edging, forcing them to dress funny etc. These all stem from this issue.

Supply and demand makes some of us emotionally vulnerable

Some of us don't just want a
dominant to dominate us,
we want a dominant to be
part of our lives.

As a young man, I spent years yearning for a dominant, not know where I could find one, or fixating on any girl who would tie me up once.

Some of us don't just want a dominant to dominate us, we want a dominant to be part of our lives. It's an emotional need as well as a sexual one. It's quite different to a specific sexual fetish and similar to being gay in that it pervades our existence and requires another person to form the other half of a relationship.

This need makes us vulnerable because, unless we are young and attractive and move in particular circles, there are not  a lot of visible dominants to go around! We're often pathetically grateful and compliant when we do find somebody to dominate us.

This explains threads about subs being utterly heartbroken by purely online relationships, or acting like doormats in relationships, or letting a dom push their boundaries past what's sensible.

It's simply hard to discern where
being giving and supportive leaves
off and being submissive to the
demanding or needy begins.
Because giving is one of our traits, we may drift into non-sexual submissive behavior during "normal" life

I've done this and I've seen at least one post describing the experience. No matter how assertive and take-charge we are usually, sometimes we encounter a situation or person that makes us neglect our boundaries or run around after them.

It's simply hard to discern where being giving and supportive leaves off and being submissive to the demanding or needy begins.

Is there truly a difference?

We can be drawn to eroticizing and enabling domineering partners

This describes my early sex life.

Domineering is what happens when you not only let somebody push you around, you subtly encourage it. If you're young and haven't embraced your submissive sexuality, then it's very very easy to drift into this. If you're experienced, it's also sometimes hard to distinguish between "good domination" and domination which is really abuse.

Why I think we subs are not broken people but face challenges

No wonder, then, that subs have a
harder time than their vanilla friends
As people pointed out on that thread, we really have the same problems as vanilla people, just different variables. I once craved a dominant so badly it hurt. A vanilla friend meanwhile craved a girlfriend so badly it hurt. Ultimately, we were both lonely and looking for The One. 

You can take each of the above issues and find a vanilla equivalent. We subs really aren't broken people!

However, I think these issues are more pressing for subs because we lack role models and established norms, especially when we're young.

 It's true the online and offline kink community offers these. However, online, there's a lot of "noise" from one-handed typists, and hooking up with the offline kink community is often not practical or emotionally viable. 

Meanwhile, society prepares us for vanilla dating from an early age and as early teenagers we rehearse for the real thing via books and soap operas. 

No wonder, then, that subs have a harder time than their vanilla friends.

Don't resign yourself to just getting off on other people's adventures! When we started out, my wife was vanilla. Use my manuals to help you walk the same Femdom path! There's one for him, and one for her

Tuesday, 21 October 2014

Where did our chastity fetish come from? Where's it going? Male Chastity Devices before the 21st century and in the future's also got an illustration of a working
male chastity belt!
Back in the early 1990s I'm perhaps 20-years old and I'm reading The Anxiety Makers: Some Curious Preoccupations of the Medical Profession by Alex Comfort of Joy of Sex fame, a lucky find in my college library.

It's an amazing if depressing book, all about the stupid things doctors foisted on mostly vulnerable people in times gone by.

It's also got an illustration of a working male chastity belt!

I remember just staring as, paradoxically, my penis lurched to attention.

"I have to have one of these! But how...!"

An example exists in the Prague sex
This was before Internet, and before I found out that there were professional makers of kinky toys out there such as Fetters UK. (Back then, it was all mail order catalogs and the route to finding the real stuff was something like find and get the courage to buy a Skin 2 magazine, then order a catalog and hope your roommates don't open the envelope by accident, then....)

However, that illustration was like a key turning in my head, unlocking a fetish I didn't know I had, a fetish I had no way of satisfying. I had two options, find one in some auction -- really unlikely! -- or make my own.

Making my own was also unlikely, but I did it eventually, progressing from hard cups good for an hour or so, to -- about ten years later -- a locking belt with a penis cage or prison I could pee out of. The final version was good for 48 hour wear, but not practical for daily living so once I embraced ball-trap devices, I threw it out.

Looking back recently, I started wondering what would have happen had I been more plugged in to the Fetish world?

Answer, practically nothing.

It turns out that pre the CB2000, there were a handful of boutique full belt makers. Otherwise it was all DIY enthusiasts crafting their own.

How did we get from there to here?

The Mysterious Flourising of Male Chastity

It's odd.

You have male chastity belts appearing in the 19th century as anti-masturbation devices forced on lunatics and young men... though one does wonder.

Nothing for nearly a century; no easily available devices as sex toys, no popular idea that they might function as sex toys... not like the popular stereotypes of whip wielding dominatrices and cringing bankers swapping their pinstriped suits for latex gimp-wear.

...or even the primitive CB2000
Then, at the very turn of the 20th century, an explosion of chastity devices and a flowering of chastity as a distinct kink.

What on earth is going on?

I encountered the idea in those naive pre-Internet days when Catwoman was pretty much the only Femdom image we had but my immediate and visceral reaction to that picture suggests that there's something innately attractive about male chastity.

I'd already discovered the joys of being edged, and had a strong urge to submit, and the device offers both experiences at a very intimate level. It traps you in open ended edging and at the same time prevents a proper erection, an erection of course being a primal signal of dominance. 
In other words, a male chastity is a perfect storm.

But what about the women? Why would they want -- tolerate -- having their male in chastity in bed?

Women who like Orgasms but not Penises

The student world is a small world. Back in the 1990s, I did not dare to wheel out my amateur designs to any of my girlfriends. However, what if I had had a nice Holy Trainer 2 to show off, or even the primitive CB2000?

In hindsight, it's amazing how many of the young women I felt a connection with were sensual and orgasmic, but didn't much care for penis-in-vagina sex. 

I can recall in detail ten girlfriends before Xena:
70% of my past girlfriends didn't really need my penis, and 40% didn't really want it.
  • Three really liked fucking and were easily orgasmic penis in vagina.
  • One was orgasmic with tongue, claimed to like fucking, but only got herself off through muscular action if she felt like it, which was never.
  • Two were sensual and orgasmic, but we never got around to sex so I deduce were in no rush.
  • Three were orgasmic with tongue or fingers, but for psychological reasons -- past bad experiences, religious hangups, fear of pregnancy -- didn't really feel comfortable with penetrative sex. (I only actually had sex with one of them, and it always came as a reward for services rendered.)
  • One was orgasmic with tongue, but found intercourse physically painful and though sexually confident, had not yet approached her doctor about this, suggesting that she didn't mind or that the pain was an excuse.
Yes, 70% of my past girlfriends didn't really need my penis, and 40% didn't really want it. 

To me, this pretty much answers the what-if question; had I had a practical male chastity device in the 1990s, I would have spent an awful lot of time locked into it (and left behind a string of kink-addicted young women!)

I don't think I was alone in this experience. For a start, most of these ladies had had previous relationships that had lasted around a year and felt significant, and most seem to have gone onto other long term relationships. You'd also hear on the grapevine about pregnancy-shy girls who made their boyfriends wear Speedos in bed, or who never took their jeans off! So I wasn't the only young man who had relationships with women who weren't into penetration.

Add some context. 75% of women can't reach orgasm by vagina alone. In very long term relationships many women go "off" penetrative sex, leading to the dreaded Dead Bedroom. And, since at least the 19th century and intensely since the 1970s, a strand of intellectual culture has always viewed penetrative sex with a kind of instinctive revulsion or distrust.

Generalizing wildly from all this, it seems that that the penis has an only insecure home in the vagina. After the initial flush of courtship, roughly:
  • One third of women really like penetration, are enthusiastic fuck-bunnis.
  • One third of women welcome penetration for (perfectly valid) emotional or psychological reasons.
  • One third of women may grudgingly tolerate penetration for the same reasons but ultimately find it too messy, too intrusive or two disquieting, e.g. due to ingrained fear of pregnancy or disease.
(We should be too surprised if this is true. Natural selection only requires that a woman permit intercourse often enough to breed but not so often she can't raise her existing offspring.)

It follows that two thirds of men in relationships experience penetration as a gift, and half of those experience it as a grudging one. 

This adds three more motivations for men in chastity --  to sensuality (the edging) and submission, we can add guilt, vulnerability and least bad option. 

Many of us have a nagging sense of this female ambivalence. Orgasm can also make us feel exposed if our partner isn't similarly caught up in the throws of passion. Putting on a chastity device comes as a relief! Meanwhile, if vaginal sex is increasingly a disaster, then she may only be able to relate to him if he wears a male chastity device.

It also follows that there's a good chance that if a man wants to experiment with male chastity, his wife or girlfriend will enjoy it (assuming she can get over any qualms). 

If penetrative sex is really what matters to a man, then he works hard to pair up with one of those 33% enthusiasts. 

A potential chastity fetishist, however, is drawn to one of the other 66%. If she's in the middle third, a lot of her reasons for welcoming intercourse will be answered by indulging her man's fetish -- it's intimate, it's a gift, it makes him happy etc. If she's is in the bottom "grudging toleration" third, she'll embrace his device as a relief and so will he.

The future of male chastity devices

Given all this, I think I can make some predictions about what will happen next in male chastity:

1. Male Chastity is Going Mainstream.

Male chastity devices are already becoming decoupled from kink and drifting into the same add-some-spice category as vibrators, Chinese balls and butt plugs. This will continue because only one out of the four wearer benefits of male chastity is kinky ("submission"), and because the sensual benefits ("edging") loom large enough that couples can pretend that the other benefits don't exist. Of those other benefits, "least bad option" positions the device firmly as a kind of sex therapy tool.

2. Male Chastity will become a Youth Thing

Male chastity is going to become a youth thing in subcultures where men are encouraged to be sensitive, meaning primarily Geek, Goth and intellectual communities. Here's why:

Male chastity is already an acceptable option for younger men in the gay community -- we seem to get a lot of young gay wearers on the Reddit chastity forums -- presumably because it fits with the whole boi vibe. Fashions tend to cross over from the gay community. Add to that the mainstreaming of male chastity (above) and straight young people will soon be as aware of chastity devices as they are of vibrators and cock rings. Why, however, would they embrace it?

Put bluntly, I think communities of young people will adopt male chastity primarily because of the ambivalence of young women and the poor negotiating position of young men when it comes to sex. 

We've already seen that in the long term, two thirds of women don't get direct erotic benefit from sexual intercourse. Either side the age of 20, these women are still working out some accommodation with penetration. If they're at college and moving in intellectual circles, they're also part of a culture that on some level distrusts men and their nasty penises. How attractive, then, to demand that your partner wear a chastity device in bed, at least while "auditioning"? 

Meanwhile, if that's the only route to intimacy, then most desperate young men will just go along with it. Better to have an real experience to masturbate over later in private, than be a sticky-fingered loser surfing porn on your computer late at night, trying not to hear your roommate giving his girlfriend loud orgasms.

And that's ignoring the Femdom undercurrents at work, undermining the loudly proclaimed vanilla.

3. Male Chastity Devices will be Cheaper and Better

Oxballs recently produced a stretch-to-fit
rubber device for less than the price of
a good vibrator.
Mainstream male chastity devices can be optimized for the bedroom. They don't need to be secure or escape proof. They can be cheap and comfortable and -- and as long as you can't just pull them off when aroused -- they don't even need to be locking! 

Oxballs recently produced a stretch-to-fit rubber chastity device for less than the price of a good vibrator. I think this is just a start. The same companies like Tantus that nailed the strapless strap-on have the technology and experience to move into male chastity.

Cheap non-locking male chastity devices will in turn further mainstream male chastity because they will sit well next to other sex toys like cock rings and vibrators and won't of themselves look kinky or fetishistic. 

Meanwhile, for us real fetishists, I think we will see 100% secure male chastity devices by shifting from anti-pullout to pullout detection. They'll either have ingenious mechanical detectors devised by hobbyists with 3D printers, or else leverage miniature health monitoring systems to act as tell-tales.

* * *

All I can say is that it's going to be an interesting century...

Don't resign yourself to just getting off on other people's adventures! When we started out, my wife was vanilla. Use my manuals to help you walk the same Femdom path! There's one for him, and one for her

Monday, 6 October 2014

Oh god I wish my budget stretched to this!

The ultimate hi-tech strap-on!

Don't resign yourself to just getting off on other people's adventures! When we started out, my wife was vanilla. Use my manuals to help you walk the same Femdom path! There's one for him, and one for her

Growing up as a male sexual submissive

Why not skip to the bit where you are happy?
Find out how to get some of this in your life!
(A follow up to this entry on how Female Led Relationships might go mainstream.)

A youngster popped up on one of the BDSM sub reddits. He was a sub and wanted some advice. Our response was pretty much:
Play safe. Do some vanilla. Become an awesome high value person. Be cautious on the Internet. Now piss off back to lurking, this is 18+
I do wonder sometimes whether the Internet helps or hinders young kinksters.

One the one hand, it makes it much easier to get some context on your urges.

All I had back-when was a battered copy of Everything You Ever Wanted to Know About Sex (but were afraid to ask) and the hairy-faced classic Joy of Sex.

The first book treated BDSM urges very much as a perversion; a fixed facet of your personality.

That was good and bad! Good in that it said,"This is who you are". Bad in that it dealt with it anthropologically, and didn't really say "Go play! Here's how."

when you do find a domme, the Femdom
is so utterly compelling that it's hard to
see beyond it

Find out how to get some of this in your life!
The second book -- Joy of Sex -- was very liberating in the sense that anything went between consenting adults as long as you both got off. However it didn't really touch on the way that submissiveness can be a core personality trait. Instead, it let me ignore my darker, deeper urges and think of myself as a merely a "bottom" from time-to-time.

Looking back, even as a teenager I was a sub, and my odd choice of semi-abusive girlfriends (for whom I was an enabler, I hasten to add) reflected this. It would have been really useful to have been able to point at BDSM and say -- at least to myself -- "I am a sexual submissive and that's OK."

On the other hand, the Internet encourages you to embrace the kink before you experience the vanilla. Would I have really been happier if I'd gone straight to a Female Led Relationship?

Until recently, I took the attitude that peer relationships and vanilla sex are so much more complicated and difficult than FLR and Femdom that it would be hard to go from Femdom to vanilla and that this is a bad thing. Now I'm starting to wonder whether I perceive this complexity because I am a sub.

Why not skip to the bit where you are happy?

That leaves two related problems: (1) when you do find a domme, the Femdom is so utterly compelling that it's hard to see beyond it; and (2), until kink is mainstream, the pool of young dommes will be limited, and not all of them will be compatible with you in other ways or have your best interests at heart.

I can think of at least one relationship that was longer and more intense than it should have been because there was some kink, and at least three (3!) dysfunctional relationships I had that would have been even more harmful had the girl in question been savvy enough to pick up the keys to my heart and make herself my domme. I simply could not have resisted. I also doubt whether my lovely Xena would - in her 20s - have embraced an FLR.
we need to be more honest about the
power and reality of the underlying

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This leads me to think that the problem is not the Internet and its Femdom forums.

The real problem is that not only does Femdom need to be more mainstream, we need to be more honest about the power and reality of the underlying dynamics.

The Fetish Club and Pro Dommes in their Studio public image of BDSM is a start. At least the wider worlds knows a bit about what D/s. However, treating Femdom as just a sex game, or an erotic LARP performed in a safe environment makes it too easy for young men who are truly submissive rather than just kinky to convince themselves they merely enjoy being a "bottom" from time to time and to fail to master the dangerous undercurrent in their lives.

Meanwhile, portraying Femdom as primarily either a branch of sex work, or a form of swinging and public sex isn't exactly calculated to entice a wide range of young women into exploring their dominant urges.

Sometimes I'm very glad to be middle aged and married!

Don't resign yourself to just getting off on other people's adventures! When we started out, my wife was vanilla. Use my manuals to help you walk the same Femdom path! There's one for him, and one for her