Become Her Slave!

My once-vanilla wife loves keeping me as her chaste slave. Find out how we ended up in a Female Led Relationship!

You can enjoy the Femdom lifestyle too, if you dare. Let me show you how to sell yourself to your vanilla wife or girlfriend as a part-time slave!

Thursday, 26 March 2015

A year of wearing the Holy Trainer 2 Male Chastity Device

I have... worn it almost
every night for a year.
Find out how to be chaste like me!
No, I haven't worn it for a year solid, though I think that would be possible. It's easy to shower in the device and a hairdryer on cool seems to dry the parts you can't reach with a towel.

I have, however, worn it almost every night for a year, most working days, and some weekend days, except for a short break to explore a 3D printed chastity device.

There were teething troubles.

I feel sexy in my Holy Trainer 2.
Xena likes the look.
Get your wife to be dominatrix like Xena!
The first few batches of the Holy Trainer 2 softened too easily when warm. I had two identical breaks, but they replaced them without question and my third device has lasted a good five months or so, so I suspect they have the problem nailed.

The replacement devices both had imperfect finishes. I had to spend quality time with "wet and dry" paper smoothing them off. This wasn't too bad a task, but not quite what you'd expect from a proper commercial organisation.

Overall, however, the device is amazing.

First and foremost, the Holy Trainer 2 is really comfortable and practical. Worn without lotion and with the underside of the ring not too flush with the body, it's even actually rather pleasant with "morning wood". It fits my body, I can jog in it, bend down to to my shoelaces, I can sit and type this... It's also easy to pee in. Showering isn't a problem. Drying seems to just require a hairdryer and perseverance.

The "magic locker" means
you have an integral lock.
This could be your caged genitals!
Honestly, if Xena wanted me permanently chaste, I'd simply replace the lock with plastic and apply glue with no anxieties other than the obvious ones.

Next, it's really unobtrusive. The "magic locker" means you have an integral lock. No noisy, irritating padlock to deal with. I often forget I'm wearing it and it's invisible under all but the tightest clothes. I have worn the chastity device 24/7 for 72 hours and had no problems.

Finally, it looks good. I feel sexy in it. Xena likes the look -- and she's usually not particularly impressed with the aesthetics of bondage toys.

So a year's regular wear and... no chafing, no odd callouses, no bruises on my pubis, no odd swellings on or around my genitals.

The Holy Trainer 2 is so comfortable and low impact that it is sinister!

Don't resign yourself to just getting off on other people's adventures! When we started out, my wife was vanilla. Use my manuals to help you walk the same Femdom path! There's one for him, and one for her

Wednesday, 11 March 2015

Reviews of Vanilla Dominatrix and Roman Dominatrix (via emails and comments)

I just had a series of emails from a reader (who wishes to remain anonymous). They pretty much made my day, so -- with his permission -- I'll replicate parts of them here:
" easy leap to realize
that femdom is a core kink,"
Don't just read this, read my
Femdom self help guides and live the life!
I just wanted to say thanks for writing the Vanilla Dominatrix. 
Been into crossdressing for a while — and when I realized I was really into femdom, I wasn't sure how to explain it to my fiancĂ©e. Your book gave me the confidence and language I needed to do it, and it couldn't have gone better...
Knowing how to pitch it to her has meant that she's gotten really into it as well, and has fully embraced it. While we're not totally sure exactly what we're into, but we're excited to try it together, and none of it would have been possible without your book!
Thank you — so much.
To which I asked...
So did you progress from cross dressing to Femdom with her, or discover what you actually liked was Femdom and therefore the cross dressing was less important?
And he responded...
Always knew I was into crossdressing, especially forced feminization. But lately it didn't have the same spark, and after some introspection I realized it was because while I deeply enjoy the act itself, what I really find arousing is femdom mixed with it. From there it was an easy leap to realize that femdom is a core kink, and that crossdressing can add some delightful spark to it.
That's what my Getting her to be a Vanilla Dominatrix is all about. Not how to do specific kinks, but how to think about them and then see their potential benefits from your partner's point of view. I'm so happy that these two lovebirds found my book useful!

Meanwhile in the comments to another article, an anonymous commentator said:
Terrific and enlightening book.... I bought both books. Getting Her to be a Vanilla Dominatrix was good, pointed out a lot of things I did wrong early in our relationship. However, The Roman Dominatrix is amazing. Creating that firewall and the psychological aspects of getting her to feel comfortable in the role were especially helpful.
I've had some odd, slightly suspect reviews over on Amazon. One reviewer accused me of disrespecting BDSM culture, which is odd because the books aren't about BDSM culture. So reviews like this make it all worthwhile. Thanks guys!

Don't resign yourself to just getting off on other people's adventures! When we started out, my wife was vanilla. Use my manuals to help you walk the same Femdom path! There's one for him, and one for her

Friday, 20 February 2015

How to wear the Holy Trainer 2 without lotion (and beat morning wood)

I've been wearing a Holy Trainer 2 male chastity device
most days for about a year.
I've been wearing a Holy Trainer 2 male chastity device most days for about a year. It's not technically secure -- of course -- but it's psychologically secure (longer blog entry on chastity device security here).

Here's what I've learned.

Buying a Holy Trainer 2

Make sure you get a tube that neatly fits your flaccid penis. Too long is disastrous. Much too short is reveals too much shaft when aroused, and also makes you feel your dick is being ripped off.

Similarly, get a small enough ring which is more secure and prevents stray flaps of skin pinching.

The customs people are increasingly wise to small packages coming from Switzerland, so to avoid duty you're best purchasing your chastity device from a local supplier, e.g. in the UK Uberkinky.

When the thing arrives, check it for seams and sand down any you find using fine grade wet and dry paper.

Installing the Holy Trainer 2

You will need your chastity device, a Q-tip and a few moments privacy. (Do your first installation in private so you don't get flustered!)

Don't be tempted to use lotion. Long term this is unhygienic and probably weakens your skin. Short term, it lets the base ring slide making morning wood an unbearable balls-yanking experience.
Without the lotion, the ring grips your scrotum nicely, and doesn't slip much when you get hard.

  1. Install the base ring. Make sure the top is snug with your pubis. At the bottom, leave a couple of fingers width of scrotum free. (This lets you move around.)
  2. Pull your penis through.
  3. Install the tube by pushing your penis down out of the way and starting to slot the tube into place. At the last moment, push your penis up into the tube, then finish installing the tube. (This prevents pinching and gets the penis deeper into the tube.)
  4. Pull the top of the scrotum through the ring so that it's snug and lock the device. Don't be tempted to pull at the front of the scrotum -- that tends to pull your penis back out of the end of the device making peeing harder.
  5. Carefully -- CAREFULLY --insert the Q-tip into the front of the tube and between your penis and the walls. (Avoid pushing the thing into your urethra!!!). Roll the Q-tip around, easing your penis forward until the head is aligned properly against the inside of the pee-hole.
  6. If you're not hard, now push your finger into the back of the tube and ensure all the lose skin is pushed forward into the tube. (This helps prevent the head of your penis rolling back from the end, then getting stuck when you get aroused.)
  7. Now bend over or squat so that your tackle hangs loose. You'll find your penis head has pulled back from the tube end. Repeat steps 5 and 6 then stand up. Your penis should now be securely pressed against the end.
A note on morning wood: Morning Wood is normal and pretty much physiologically unavoidable. It's the bane of chastity device wearers. Typically we wake up in pain, the base ring stretching our balls, the head of our penis swollen and jammed 25% short of the end, and a great length of shaft exposed in a way that feels ugly and vulnerable. 
As you'll have gathered, my trick for beating it is: Use a small enough ring with no lotion so that it grips the scrotum not the balls. Seat the penis properly in the tube, making sure any loose skin is pushed up into it. Avoid pulling on the front of the scrotum so that the skin feeds in when the penis erects.
EDIT: Or you could use the stocking method, which now I have working is pretty amazing. Blog entry to follow once I've worked out how to explain it.

How to urinate in a Holy Trainer 2

The important thing is to get your pee hold lined up hard against the slit. I keep a Q-tip handy to do this, however if I'm out and about my penis is usually shrunken enough that I can merely shake and push on the device to align it.

When peeing, be careful not to lift the device and thus kink your shaft. This makes a mess!

I find I need only expose the tube in order to pee. However, what with the need for a Q-tip, I don't think I'd ever use a public urinal while wearing my chastity device.

Don't resign yourself to just getting off on other people's adventures! When we started out, my wife was vanilla. Use my manuals to help you walk the same Femdom path! There's one for him, and one for her

Sunday, 15 February 2015

Did 50 Shades of Grey miss the trend?: How many women fantasize about sexually dominating their partner?

46.7% of women fantasize about
dominating somebody sexually.
Find out how to not mess it up when you meet one.
Good news! 46.7% of women fantasize about dominating somebody sexually, according to a survey of 1,517 Quebec adults.

64.6%, meanwhile, fantasize about being dominated. So rather than 50 Shades of Grey revealing the dark truth about women's sexuality, it really just revels in one of several dark truths.

Sure, two thirds of women get off on the idea of being dominated, but roughly a half of them quite like the idea of doing the dominating.

Better yet, since 53.3% of men have submissive fantasies, it follows that the true sexually submissive male to potentially sexually dominant female ratio is 1.14:1, pretty much one domme for every sub.

Depending on what female switches really do, this is slightly better or much better than the estimated 1.6:1 to 4:1 ratio in the active fetish community.

But the game changer is: these new statistics are for the whole community, not just the active fetish one.

Just think about it. Half of modern women are potential dominatrixes.

...if a woman has a dominant fantasy
it's likely to be a fairly soft one...
Learn how to sell yourself to her as a slave!
Half of the entire pool... the pool of every single datable woman in your city, the ones you have other stuff in common with, not just the ones who pop up in the Fetish community. Those are pretty good odds if you approach it right.

It feels as if something has changed. Are modern women simply more confident and empowered? Is it that there are more dominatrix-like role models on screen and in books?

One thing that I think is very clear is that you can't assume these dominatrix fantasies are off-the-peg ones, or match what the webcam dommes get up to.

"Dominate" implies a dynamic, yes, but only 23.8% of women imagined spanking or whipping somebody, and 10.8% were interested in "forcing" somebody to have sex. However, 41.7% imagined tying somebody up for sexual gratification.

So, if a woman has a dominant fantasy it's likely to be a fairly soft one, and -- I'm betting -- she's still unlikely to have done anything about it, or even be prepared to admit it.

That means that, if you are compatible in other ways, you still need to approach Femdom honestly but with care, always asking yourself "what's in it for her?"

Don't resign yourself to just getting off on other people's adventures! When we started out, my wife was vanilla. Use my manuals to help you walk the same Femdom path! There's one for him, and one for her

Monday, 2 February 2015

Those Fetlife stats and why they don't matter: What are the chances of finding Femdom in the Fetish scene?

What are the chances of finding
Femdom in the Fetish scene?
A single heterosexual sub walks into a munch.

What are his chances of eventually -- since munches aren't singles bars -- finding an ongoing relationship there, rather than the opportunity to take part in scenes at clubs and play parties?

Judging from what people post online, worse than finding a vanilla relationship in the straight dating scene where the ration of men to women can drift as far as 1:4 in your favor.

But how much worse?

Those Fetlife membership statistics

There's no super survey of Femdom in the fetish world. However, somebody posted some stats for Fetlife. Since many Fetlifers are denizens of clubs and munches, we can treat it as a snapshot of what goes on in real life.

Up until this point, the best data I could find was quite old Kinsey statistics from 1993:
14% of men and 11% of women have had some sexual experience with sadomasochism
That's a BDSM male/female ratio of 1.27 to 1... not too bad. However, the proportion of (self-identified) men to women in this Fetlife survey is roughly 1.6:1, actually worse than yesteryear. This may just mean that more men surf one-handed than women, though. Let's just agree that there are roughly as many kinky men as kinky women in the world.

(The Kinsey stat doesn't mention sexual orientation but the Fetlife orientations seem roughly matched -- the same proportion of men and women are available for heterosexual pairings.)

Things get more depressing when we start looking for Femdom.
Kinsey : “A [1995] study looking at message board posts found 71% of heterosexual males but only 11% of heterosexual females... prefer a dominant role when engaging in sexual bondage.” 
That gives an m:F proportion of 6.45:1 assuming equal numbers of men and women. I'm guessing that women were in the minority on the old boards, and that a high proportion of them were pro dommes, not in itself a bad thing, but not necessarily what most subs want long term.

Reddit user "dalalphabet" totaled up:
23,989 submissive males and 14,767 dominant women.
Less than 10% of men and women identified as exclusively same-sex in their orientation, so let's ignore orientation for the moment. That gives Fetlife a proportion of 3:1... not good, but roughly twice as good as a few years ago.

Meanwhile, 32,083 male switches and 20,406 female switches changes the odds somewhere between 1.6:1 to 4:1 depending whether the women will top men.

However this probably doesn't matter, because the precise statistics don't matter. Here's why...

Why the Fetlife statistics probably don't matter anyway if you are looking for a Femdom relationship

Let's just agree that in Femdom world there are more subs than dommes. It certainly fits the sob stories online about male subs greatly outnumbering dommes.

The precise proportion, however, is irrelevant.

Any imbalance in favor of the
dommes means that most of the
dommes will be attached most
of the time
Any imbalance in favor of the dommes means that most of the dommes will be attached most of the time, since subs will do their best to preserve the relationship. Meanwhile the pool of single subs will "churn" as men drift away disheartened and others take their place.

When a sub position does become available, you'll always be competing with several men. A larger group size won't help because you'd need an awful lot of dommes for more than one to be single or looking for a secondary at any given time.

Assuming exclusive relationships and that 3:1 ratio, a community of 40 means you're competing with 19 other spare subs, a community of 400 just means that you're now competing  199 other subs.

If it looks bad for the sub, it's also bad for the domme.  Many unattached dommes report real trouble in finding a partner. I think this is the result of of pool size and "noise".

If you live in a big city, potential vanilla partners are measured in hundreds of thousands, kinky ones in mere thousands.

It's simply 100 times harder to find a truly compatible partner if you limit yourself to the kinky pool. It's about the same as only dating fellow squash players. True, you'll always have some values in common, but that won't be enough in itself.

Although subs want to throw themselves at the feet of anybody who will dominate them, dommes tend to be more wise and less desperate in their choice of partners. However, their pool is limited to a small number of men who won't help them establish whether that compatibility exists. Worse, a good proportion of those men will be rather odd; entitled, pushy, needy, ugly...or just fixed in those expectations.

So is it worth getting involved in the local fetish scene? 

You don't know until you've tried. Communities can vary wildly.  You'll certainly find friends, support, and BDSM know-how.

However, if you are a male sub I would not regard the scene as the automatic answer to all your romantic needs. You'll still probably have to go out and find your own domme in the vanilla world.

And, if you are a married man with submissive urges and a vanilla wife... well the grass is neither greener nor kinkier on the other side of the hedge.

Sunday, 25 January 2015

How Female Led Relationships could go mainstream: #2 Asymmetrically Amorous - "Asym" for short.

(Part #1 here)
We'd know the "rules" for Female
 Led dating and courtship. 
It would be good if Female Led Relationships were mainstream.

Being able to be open would make it easier to be in one -- no need to hide it, and less complicated in dealing with others. It would also be easier to find one since you could just make it clear that's what you were looking for.

The openness would also help a shared FLR culture of etiquette and wisdom evolve.

We'd know the "rules" for Female Led dating and courtship. We'd know the different flavors of FLR. And best of all there'd be  a body of wisdom, including self help books by real psychologists, to help us.

How could we get there?

Well my generation won't. We have too much to lose. We're too embedded in our established social identities.

The younger people, though might drag FLR into the mainstream. They're already doing it with polyamory, which they call "poly".

Polyamory is consensual non-monogamy. Rather than hide affairs from each other, or pretend not to notice each other's adventures, poly couples happily form part of web of sexual relationships. There's a well developed set of terms to describe each, a supportive community,  there are serious organizations promoting it, and the media is starting to notice. It even got a positive article in the Scientific American.

Polyamory is a lot like FLR in that people have done it forever anyway. Only two things have really changed: poly people have banded together to establish ways of managing their relationships; and poly people are demanding across-the-board equality with monogamous people.

It's something that seems to come out of younger counter-cultural and intellectual circles who enjoy experimenting with relationship styles.  Since these sub cultures feed into the middle classes we're quickly moving to the point where it's not so shocking if somebody says, "Oh I'm poly."

How have they managed this? To take what looks a lot like "swinging" or open relationships" and turn them into something socially acceptable?

  • They've emphasized the relationship side of things and de-emphasized the sex. Poly isn't an opportunity to sleep with lots of people, it's an opportunity to have relationships with them. This is similar to the Gay Movement who presumably thought that mainstream society would be more supportive of love between same sex partners than they would of the mechanics of gay sex.
  • They're honest and unpretentious in their terminology. They use terms like "primary" and "secondary" and so far have resisted the urge to dress up their arrangements in, say, neo-paganism and  sound like bad Ren Fair performers. They've also called themselves something neutral and descriptive, unlike, say, "Naturists" which at once sounds like an evasion and  an attempt to impose values--if I call you a Naturist, then it sounds like I'm accepting that what you do is natural and hence good.
  • They've aligned themselves firmly with other social movements, especially LGBT Rights and Pride, and Feminism, incorporating their values and methods.
So if younger people started on the same experiment with FLR, how would it work?

The precondition is already there. Female Led Relationships have been around forever -- implicit FLR is nothing new. A lot of young people must be doing it and not realizing, and others are doing it but -- like those swingers of yesteryear who were really poly -- think they are doing it as BDSM.

So here's what needs to happen:
  • We need to be about the relationship, not the sexuality. FLR often implies Femdom, but it's not mandatory and there's no need to make ordinary people think about it.
  • We need terminology that's matter of fact (and also de-emphasizes the kink). Female Led Relationship is a great start, but we also need to not use Femdom terms like "Mistress" and "Slave", or infantalizing ones like "Mommy" and "Boy". Perhaps "husband" and "wife"/"boyfriend" and "girlfriend" is enough, since "I'll check with my wife" will one day be all you need to say to imply an FLR. (It would be nice, though, if we could use some mainstream term like "boss". Perhaps "lady" and "man"?)
  • We need to embrace the other social movements. FLR is what I -- and you, perhaps -- do. However that implies either a Lesbian or Heterosexual pairing. 
This suggests to me that FLR needs to be part of a broader movement, the more general the better since this will also distance the relationship concept from the underlying sexuality.

That movement, of course, would be "asymmetrical-amoury", or "asym" for short. It would embrace all relationships governed by a consensual power relationship, including complex polyamorous arrangements. And of course, since asym takes in all genders and orientations, saying, "Oh, we're asym" would not immediately conjure up specific pornographic images.

Will it happen? I think, as with poly, if somebody somewhere starts the ball rolling, it will snowball.

Perhaps one day our our friend will lean across the table and say, "You're asym like us, aren't you?"

Don't resign yourself to just getting off on other people's adventures! When we started out, my wife was vanilla. Use my manuals to help you walk the same Femdom path! There's one for him, and one for her

Tuesday, 23 December 2014

First impression of the Key Holder Dream X3 "espresso" 3D printed chastity device

(Sorry, no cock shot)
Well it arrived! The KHD X3 "espresso" male chastity device, freshly 3D printed in Europe.

Thirteen days from order to delivery -- not instant, but not bad.

It's got that same eggshell finish as before; slightly shocking on first touch -- OMG I am about to encase my genitals in breeze block! -- but actually comfortable once on. Best of all, getting it on doesn't require any lotion. The textured surface prevents any stickiness. (I expect it to also cope well with morning wood, but we'll see.)

"No seams, no rough patches."
Click to add some Femdom to your vanilla relationship! 
As before, the finishing itself is perfect.

No seams, no rough patches. Learning from the beta, Pedro has also rounded off all the corners and sharp bits. It's much more comfortable to wrestle into than the Holy Trailer 2.

Getting into it, however, is slightly harder than the HT2, but not in a way that matters.

You have to push your balls into the ring on at a time, then pull them all the way through. The tube bends down more harshly than the HT2, so without lotion, you need to fiddle with a Q-tip to dislodge the head. I suspect this will quickly become routine for me. (It helps to get the ring the right way around!)

The reason I'm doing this without lotion is that it seems unhealthy to keep my man parts permanently steeped in moisturiser. Being damp all the time can't be good for the skin health, and there's also the fear that it will weaken the skin and promote stretching. I don't want my balls down to my ankles!
I look forward to testing it in
extreme circumstances...

This could be you! Find out more... 


Well it's much more intrusive than the HT2, but just as comfortable. The thicker ring turns your balls into a kind of fixed T-shape, so affects how you sit or lie. However it's smooth and light and doesn't seem to shift randomly, so overall it's still very comfortable.

Now I have the right size, peeing is no problem. The perforations bode well for showering, though I shall approach this with caution. I'm still skeptical about the security cord concept, but will give this a go when I am less busy.

Security system! Haven't tried this yet.
Overall, the most striking thing is the way it really locks down an erection. With the HT2 and before that my Chinese device, there was a sense of my cock lurching up a little, of forming a tense, vulnerable, bow hinging at the base. The espresso feels much safer and at the same time much more oppressive in the right way. Thanks to the way the device grips the scrotum, the tension seems spread evenly, some of it taken by the base-ring against the pubis, and there's no sensation of being stretched.

I look forward to testing it in extreme circumstances...

Don't resign yourself to just getting off on other people's adventures! When we started out, my wife was vanilla. Use my manuals to help you walk the same Femdom path! There's one for him, and one for her