Become Her Slave!

My once-vanilla wife loves keeping me as her chaste slave. Find out how we ended up in a Female Led Relationship!

You can enjoy the Femdom lifestyle too, if you dare. Let me show you how to sell yourself to your vanilla wife or girlfriend as a part-time slave!

Friday, 29 August 2014

Now available: PDF Version of How to be a Roman Dominatrix

Since there have been so many email requests, I've now added a PDF version of my book, How to be a Roman Dominatrix:

You don’t have to be kinky to enjoy being a dominatrix! This books shows you how to use your partner’s “Femdom” fantasies to get what you couldn’t and shouldn’t get from a normal relationship.In less civilized times, Ancient Roman ladies routinely owned slaves. These terrifyingly independent women could do pretty much as they pleased, and it pleased some of them to use their male slaves for pleasure. This book presents a no-nonsense way to help you get on a part-time basis what these Roman ladies enjoyed. As a byproduct, this should satisfy most of your partner's fantasy cravings. It's about having a good time being a dominatrix, not being a good dominatrix. It's about having power, rather than pretending to have it. You'll always know what to do, because you'll always be doing what suits you. Your partner won't get all his kinks, but being a "real" slave should more than compensate for that!

Use my manuals to help you walk the Femdom path! There's one for him, and one for her

Thursday, 28 August 2014

Writing erotica while in chastity horny I'm almost
hallucinating as I typed!
I'm between gigs, so we're a bit penniless. Xena wants me to put more effort into finishing my erotica pieces and then selling them.

We "agreed" I'd write 4,000 words a day, a demerit for every 500 under, a "slave point" for every 1000 over.

Xena rang for a chat
at lunch...
Yesterday I wrote 4,500 words and was almost quivering with lust as I gave Xena her bedtime foot rub.

This morning I wrote another 3,000. At one point I was squirming in my chair, whimpering and still writing.

I was so horny I was almost hallucinating as I typed!

...all I could think about...
All I really wanted to do was run to the bedroom for a wank... did I mention that I don't get to come until next Wednesday, and that's assuming Xena doesn't have an orgasm before then.

Xena rang for a chat at lunch and laughed at my situation, and all I could think about was her naked and me going down on her...

Don't resign yourself to just getting off on other people's adventures! When we started out, my wife was vanilla. Use my manuals to help you walk the same Femdom path! There's one for him, and one for her

Wednesday, 27 August 2014

My Chastity Hell: Trading her orgasms for mine

"You can kneel in the corner, slave, while I masturbate.
"Find out how to get some of this in your life!
Tuesday night, almost midnight.

I put the now-cool casserole into the fridge and hurry back to the bedroom ready to turn in.

Xena looks up from her book. "You can kneel in the corner, slave, while I masturbate."

"Oh god," I blurt. "It's during the week. That's going to cost me 2 days."

A few weeks ago we agreed new rules. I get to masturbate privately every Monday during the day.

However, if Xena has an orgasm, it puts back my masturbation day as follows:

Chastity Rules Controlling My Orgasm

  • If I'm in the room, 1 day.
  • If I get to watch,  2 days.
  • If I'm involved, 3 days.
  • If I get to use the strap on, 4 days.
  • If it's during the week, double.
  • No masturbation in the weekends.
  • If I do ejaculate by some means, that's borrowing my orgasm from the future.
This is my idea but Xena seems to quite like it; the idea of her pleasure stealing mine piques her sadism.

For me it's more complex.

During my 150 day denial, there was a period when Xena was too tired or stressed for erotic or sensual activity and I felt utterly neglected, as if my sexuality had been parked, as if the joke was on me.

It turned out not to be and we had an amazing week of Femdom and I still grin when I wake up and find myself locked in my chastity device.

Even so I wanted to set up a system that was sustainable and self correcting and didn't make me feel like an idiot. This way, low periods are enlivened by the prospect of me getting to masturbate, and there is the strong possibility that Xena will be tempted into more regular orgasms, just like right now...

"I didn't even get to come properly on Monday," I add ruefully. It's true.  I managed to kind of peg myself to more of an ejaculation than an orgasm.

"I don't care. Go kneel."

And I do.

The demerit system doesn't remotely
feel like a game anymore...

Find out how to get some of this in your life!
It feels a lifetime ago, but it was only a month ago when we entered another FLR period. This time it feels 100% real.

Disobeying, arguing, wheedling are all unthinkable, and Xena has taken to casually handing out demerits during seemingly vanilla time. Not properly completing any one room? 2 demerits. Grumpy in the morning due to headache? 3 demerits. Late coming to bed? 1 demerit. 

The demerit system doesn't remotely feel like a game anymore, if it ever was.

She glances my way - that's new - then it's her default under-the-covers wank, not the pyrotechnic exhibitionism I "enjoyed" earlier in the month. There's not much to see, just her hand making her breast quiver, and all I can hear is the click click of her Kindle as she flicks through whatever porn she's getting off to.

Meanwhile, I kneel in the corner ignored, as invisible as if I were spying on her through a keyhole.

Playing voyeur on a private moment more than makes up for the unshowy masturbation going on under the covers. After all, this is how most women must get off when there's no audience: no rose petals, warm clothing, comfy bed, reading glasses if needed...

Perhaps deep down part of my fetish life comes
 from the feeling that female sexuality is emasculating.

Find out how to get some of this in your life!
So I'm as hard as a rock inside my Holy Trainer 2, each twitch of hand on nipple sending seismic pulses through my imprisoned groin.

And then I realize that this is costing me two more days without an orgasm! 

Perhaps that's why she's doing it -- that glance? -- or perhaps she just fancies a quiet frigging session. It doesn't matter. The thing that's turning me on is also eroding my own capacity to masturbate.

Perhaps deep down part of my fetish life comes from the feeling that female sexuality is emasculating. Now things are set up in our bedroom so this is almost literally true. The feeling or aroused panic is... exquisite.

Xena puts away her kindle. "You may come to bed, slave."

As I slip under the covers, I say, "That puts things off to Wednesday."

"Too bad," says Xena. "Good night."

Don't resign yourself to just getting off on other people's adventures! When we started out, my wife was vanilla. Use my manuals to help you walk the same Femdom path! There's one for him, and one for her

Tuesday, 26 August 2014

Three ways to find a dominatrix when dating in the vanilla world

...wishful thinking (and hot BDSM sex)
may make you stick around.
It's probably irresolvable.

If you date in the kinky world, then the kink is like an elephant in the room making it hard to see the other aspects of the relationship.

Worse, wishful thinking (and hot BDSM sex) may make you stick around in a relationship that has no future.

Finally, by going for kink first you may be missing out on soul mates with whom you could later develop a kinky relationship.

You're putting the cart before the horse.

However, if you date in the vanilla world, you might get deeply involved in a relationship only to find you're never going to get the kink you need.

You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make it drink.

...soul mates with whom
you could later develop
a kinky relationship.
There's no easy answer.

However, I can tell you that vanilla dating can work. I found my wife in the vanilla world after a series of relationships, all of which involved a kink element.

What I learned is:

- Since our kinks reflect who we are, there is a good chance that if you are compatible in other ways, you will also be kinkily compatible. However this will be a compatibility of dynamic rather than specific fantasies.

- People will do almost anything during the sexploration phase, but quickly grow bored unless there's something in it for them.

With this in mind, here's my advice on how to find a dominatrix through vanilla dating:

1. Date strong women

...strong women
Look for adventurous self-confident women who are broadminded, comfortable in their own bodies, like to get their own way, and who you respect.

If you don't know women like this, work out how to be where they are.

If your prevailing culture is culturally conservative, either move away from it or focus on women who are physically adventurous: the sportswomen, the climbers, the runners, the dancers... the ones who don't mind moving around and getting sweaty.

(Meanwhile, work on making yourself a worthy partner. Shed any sense of being a loser.)

2. Introduce Femdom during the sexploration phase

...the sexploration phase
Introduce the Femdom early, during the sexploration phase when you're having lots of crazy sex anyway.

I know it's tempting to hide your "secret" until you feel secure in the relationship. However this is fundamentally dishonest (bait and switch!), misses the vital sexploration phase where almost anything goes, and potentially leaves you deeply in love with somebody with whom you can never have a satisfactory erotic relationship.

3. Focus the Femdom on her

Don't be fooled.

People will do all sorts of kink during the sexploration phase. However the main thrill is "doing hot transgressive stuff with new lover". Once the love isn't new, the kink becomes a chore.

...mindblowingly good things that she couldn't -- shouldn't! --
get from a vanilla relationship.
For this reason, you need to shed your specific fantasies and make the Femdom about her.

Make it a way for her to get mindblowingly good things that she couldn't -- shouldn't! -- get from a vanilla relationship.

Take things she already likes and use Femdom to enhance them.

My book Getting Her to be a Vanilla Dominatrix can help with this!

Why not introduce some Female Centered Femdom to your relationship?

Monday, 25 August 2014

Public Displays of Dynamic: What if Female Led Relationships were socially acceptable?

an ultra-politically correct future where...
couples in Female Led Relationships could
be open about it.
Just imagine, an ultra-politically correct future where Domination and Submission was recognized as an orientation, and where couples in Female Led Relationships could be open about it.


Now stop fapping and imagine it more realistically!

It wouldn't be much different from the way things are now, would it? Even so it would be an improvement.

Think about the ultimate mainstream relationship, the vanilla peer relationship, call it VPR.

What's socially acceptable and what's not for VPR folk? Let's use that as a guide:

What's not going to happen is public Femdom
What's not going to happen is public Femdom.

VPR couples don't generally do sexuality in public. They don't heavy pet on street corners, nor do they do sensual back rubs in the restaurant or have sex on park benches.

Now the natural sexuality of FLR couples is Femdom, so in the same way it won't be sociably acceptable to do Femdom in public.

As people become more accepting of FLR they will also become more aware of Femdom. They'll understand a boot is the equivalent of a boob and a collar as good as a cock ring in certain circumstances. So, no leaving husbands chained outside shops, no public whipping posts, no spending the day shopping dressed as a transvestite latex puppy, no greeting mistress by kissing her boots in the High Street.

Not going to happen.

It's not that people will be prudes, it's just that nobody want's somebody's sexuality rubbed in their faces.

Public displays of FLR affection, however are entirely plausible mostly because it will be impossible to tell what's happening.

The FLR woman will always have the initiative...
When a VPR couple kiss and -- if young/drunk/in love -- caress in public they're both in control, or passing the initiative back and forth.

The only difference an FLR makes is that the woman will be calling the shots. She may be physically passive while her lover worships her, or physically invasive while he squirms in hopeless arousal. T

he same goes for in relaxed social situations when they flirt or engage in public coziness, e.g. one uses the other's lap as a footstool. The FLR woman will always have the initiative, but you'd have to observe many many episodes in order to spot the underlying dynamic.

All this already happens. Really FLRs being mainstream won't make much difference at all to the way we pursue our sexuality and display our affection. However, there are two areas where it will make a massive difference...

First, public displays of dynamic.

At present, VPR couples openly display their dynamic, flaunting the way they name decisions through negotiation and consensus, showing off the way they look after each other, playfully trading favors.

It would be nice if FLR couples could also display our dynamic, if the women could publicly have the final word, be waited on, playfully misuse her authority and without feeling like a shrew or a bitch, and her partner could be compliant without feeling like a doormat or henpecked husband.

Imagine if she could just say, "Fetch me some coffee," or, "Serve the drinks" and that would be OK?

Second, courting.

If people knew what FLR was, if it was socially acceptable, if it didn't automatically imply heavy Femdom or haunting BDSM clubs and munches, then the world would be a much better place.

 ...people would know who they were and act accordingly.
For a start, people would know who they were and act accordingly. No odd groping through destructive relationships for young submissive men. No wavering between bastards who stand up to them and doormats who don't for young dominant women, and more young women would identify as dominant earlier.

It would also be easier to find appropriate partners. Rather than engage in a diabolical guessing game with the worry of accidentally playing bait and switch, we'd simply take note of whatever the dress codes were: perhaps certain kinds of jewelry would signal orientation.

Finally, just like VPR courting, FLR courting would have an established path, with boundaries and bases. Subs would be aware of their hard limits and expect to see them respected, dommes would know the standard path to intimacy: Do you do Femdom on a first date? At what point does she take control of his orgasms? And so on.

It wouldn't all be plain sailing. There'd be odd double standards among parents who might wish an FLR on their daughters, but not their sons, or regard an FLR son-in-law as a parasite: why can't you get yourself a real man? Raising a family within an openly FLR household will also present all sorts of dilemmas.

But we're talking about the future here, something we'll evolve our way towards. The question remains how we'll make the jump.

Why not introduce some Female Centered Femdom to your relationship?

How to remove seams from your Holy Trainer 2 male chastity device

I love my Holy Trainer 2. It's so comfortable I can go jogging in it.

However, the finish on these devices isn't always perfect. There are sometimes sharp seams left over from the molding process -- not a terrible flaw in such an inexpensive device, but one I'd love fixed in the Holy Trainer 3.

Sharp thin craft knife.
Removing the seams is pretty easy.

Removing External Seams from the Holy Trainer

Use a sharp thin craft knife to slice them off. Do this carefully with the device resting on a table and always cutting away from your hand. (Make sure you have privacy for this -- getting a surprise while using a sharp knife is a bad idea!)

Removing Internal Seams from the Holy Trainer penis tube

This is harder. Some people use a Dremmel tool plus a polishing head, but I don't have this equipment. A cheaper option is to buy some fine grade wet and dry emery cloth plus some strong elastic bands.

Cut a finger-width strip of the emery cloth, fold it length-wise over the end of your finger, and use an elastic band to secure it. (Not too tight!)

Now wet the Holy Trainer. Hook your finger against the seam and make gentle circling motions to polish it away.

Try not to imagine massaging your keyholder's G-spot... :)

Why not introduce some Female Centered Femdom to your relationship?

Tuesday, 19 August 2014

How to turn a vanilla man into a sexual submissive

Look for two kinds of behavior your man exhibits
that you could 
into Femdom. 
Of course, I wouldn't: I'm a straight male and I'm monogamously married to Xena! However, it's interesting to think about because it makes us consider how submission works without the fetish.

So here's what I'd say to a female friend who wanted to turn her vanilla boyfriend or husband into a submissive. 

(The following assumes consent is given for each step of the way. Please also note that introducing Femdom to the wrong person can be playing with fire and potentially dangerous.) 

Look for two kinds of behavior your man exhibits that you could extend into Femdom. I call these "Femdom Windows":

Service Window: He likes doing stuff too or for you, e.g. if he likes giving you long massages followed by oral. Or pampering you for an evening.
Bottoming Window: He likes lying back and "letting" you do things to him, for example a blow job.

Use your instincts to pick the behavior you think you could most easily extend and work out what's in it for him. There are two broad kinds of incentive:

The Plateau Incentive: Men don't normally have much of a plateau phase. Assuming it doesn't switch him off, anything you can do to string out his orgasm will be addictive.
The Pornstar Incentive: Most men love it when women express sexual agency, by which I mean "act dirty", for example using  a sex toy or letting him use it on you, or dressing sexily, or just loudly expressing sexual pleasure.

Most men love it when women express sexual agency...
The precise incentive depends on the two of you, but it should be something he will enjoy for its own sake, but wouldn't normally get.

For example, in a Service Window, perhaps he gets to dress you in clothing that turns him on, then kneel and watch you masturbate.

In a Bottoming Window you might dress the same way, then string out his orgasm.

Make sure you know how to do the kink safely and successfully, then suggest it during the Femdom Window. Do this casually but sexily and focus on the activity itself: "Whenever you do this I imagine you're my slave and it gets me wet" or "If you let me tie you up I'll give you the blow job of your life".

Once you've done this once, do it again a week later. Keep doing it until you've got it perfect and he doesn't just suggest the activity, he pleads for it.

"Rub my feet, then I'll tie you up."
At this point, two factors should give the kink an increasing momentum:

Conditioning Factor: Men quickly learn to get aroused by things they associate with sex. It's where a lot of fetishes come from. By now he's starting to associate Femdom with being very turned on... :)
Femdom Factor: I'm almost sure that female dominant, male submissive is one of several sweet spots in human relationships. Kink aside, it's certainly a very easy and secure place to sit since everybody knows what to do and the sex is guilt free.

This is the point where you start adding things that you like. They can't be things that repulse or trigger him, but they can be things you like more than he does.

So if you're working on a Bottoming Window, you could make it conditional on him licking you, or get some service first; "Rub my feet, then I'll tie you up." If it's a Service Window, you could extend the service or start introducing discipline. Whatever you do, make sure it's sexy and uses at least one of the Incentives. If he's tidying the apartment, make sure there's a nice surprise waiting for him in the bedroom.

After that, it's rinse and repeat. Keep extending the Femdom Widow either spontaneously or in a planned way. Sooner or later, you'll evolve a dynamic that suits the both of you.

Why not introduce some Female Centered Femdom to your relationship?