Become Her Slave!

My once-vanilla wife loves keeping me as her chaste slave. Find out how we ended up in a Female Led Relationship!

You can enjoy the Femdom lifestyle too, if you dare. Let me show you how to sell yourself to your vanilla wife or girlfriend as a part-time slave!

Thursday, 11 September 2014

Why I think erotic submission works

Our brains reward us for
leading and following,
for dominating and
Over on reddit, somebody asked about the underlying psychology of erotic submission. This is my answer:

Though I'm sure our personal stories are what lead us to D&S, I strongly suspect that the satisfaction from either role comes from a combination of evolutionary psychology plus the odd way the brain works.

The evolutionary psychology part is a simple.

We're wired to feel good about being in charge - being alpha. However, not everybody can be in charge at any given moment, so we're also wired to feel comfortable not being in charge.

In other words our brains reward us for leading and following, for dominating and submitting.

(If you prefer, perhaps this is socially learned behavior; things go well when we lead or when we follow, but not when we compete pointlessly.)
no matter how much you wrap up 
your D&S in communication, consent, 
safe words, scripts even, a primal 
part of your brain registers it as rea

The brain itself is odd.

For a start, parts of it are stupid and can't tell the difference between the thing and the thing that looks like the thing.

So no matter how much you wrap up your D&S in communication, consent, safe words, scripts even, a primal part of your brain registers it as real -- hence triggering the evolutionary psychology working.

Then there's this thing where a lot of our emotions run in parallel.

Our brain chemistry makes it possible to like things we don't want, want things we don't like, get a buzz out of things that scare or hurt us. This is especially true if the sensible part of our brain is assured that we are really physically safe.

 ...much of the joy of submission
comes from ambivalence.
If that sounds complicated or implausible, consider all the other weird things humans do: bungee jump, extreme sports, horror films, roller coaster rides...

You can't meaningfully untangle all this or reduce it to a single factor because much of the joy of submission comes ftom ambivalence.

So in short:

Our psychology may lead us to submission. However what makes us stick is that it feels good on a primal level and at the same time provides the same kind of safe thrills as a roller coaster ride. The ambivalence is the buzz. Don't over think.

Don't just have deep thoughts about Femdom ! Use my manuals to walk the Femdom path! There's one for him, and one for her

Wednesday, 10 September 2014

How Female Led Relationships could go mainstream: #1 The implicit FLR is already mainstream

"She wears the trousers in that
marriage" is an old old joke.
The other day, a friend of ours who seems very much in charge of her marriage leaned over the cafe table and remarked, "You know, it's quite normal for one partner to be the driving force..."

And I realized that Female Led Relationships are almost mainstream.

Implicit (as in "assumed but not formally recognized") Female Led Relationships are certainly mainstream and probably always have been. "She wears the trousers  in that marriage" is an old old joke.

However, it's a joke that's quietly died. We're no longer shocked or amused by implicit FLR ("iFLR") or things that look like iFLR.

He's fixing dinner for his wife who just
got in from work...NORMAL.
Some of my favorite retro-FLR pictures were intended as funny or shocking; dire warnings about women getting above themselves and dominating men.

However, if recreated using modern clothing, they would be perfectly unremarkable:

He's doing the washing while
she goes out for a cycle
He's fixing dinner for his wife who just got in from work...NORMAL. He's doing the washing while she goes out for a cycle ride.... NOT SHOCKING.

We'd just assume they had a modern equal marriage and it suited them that he did these chores while she did others at other times.

If somebody then said, "Oh he only works part-time and she is the primary earner," we'd think it natural he have a meal ready for her on the table.

And if we knew that, "He does a lot of chores to support her bicycle racing hobby," we'd probably think how lucky he was to have a hot athletic wife.

...if recreated using modern clothing,
they would be perfectly unremarkable
If we did notice that both relationships revolved around the wife, we'd confine ourselves to remarking. "I think she tends to make the big decisions." Or, "I think she's the one with the vision in that relationship."

In other words, we're neither surprised not threatened by iFLRs.

At the root is Feminism which pervades our worldview even if we are neither liberal nor identify as Feminist. We simply assume that men and women are morally and legally equal, even if we might point to differences between the genders.

From this Feminist default come several developments.

 Go further back and there was the
legally sanctioned scold's bridle.
First, in the modern west, iFLR is now physically safer for a woman than it ever has been.

Back in the bad old days--even a few decades ago--the marriage could swing into asymmetry and then the man could have an attack of machismo and beat up his "shrewish/nagging" wife and nobody would look down on him for it. The law would probably wink and move on. Go further back and there was the legally sanctioned scold's bridle!

Now, though they still exist, society looks down on wife-beaters and -- at least in the UK -- the police feel pressure to act on domestic violence.

Second, educated men no longer see any shame in letting a woman take the lead in any particular activity. Not only does this add to the physical safety, it also makes it possible for a woman to express her leadership in a particular area without triggering a marital spat. If she can express her leadership in one area, then she can also do so in others.

Third, educated men no longer regard housework as woman's work. It's just what needs doing and the only question is how to divide the labor and who sets the standards.

Finally, people no longer look down on -- let's call them -- asymmetric relationships. We learned in the 1970s and 80s that equality down the middle in all spheres usually doesn't work in practice. One partner will be better at cooking or finances or cleaning or nurturing or bread-winning than the other. We accept that people find the relationship dynamic that they like and that this usually involves dividing labor and with that division of labor comes a division of power.

So, we're already not far from mainstream. Being mainstream certainly wouldn't look much different, except there would be no pretense that the husband wasn't serving the wife, and courtship would be easier because we could actually say, "I am in/looking for an FLR."

What would it take for the world to change such that our friend could lean across the table and remark, "I notice that you are in an FLR like us"?

More thoughts to follow.

When we started out, my wife was vanilla. Use my manuals to help you walk the same Femdom path! There's one for him, and one for her

Tuesday, 9 September 2014

Porn, Femdom and FLR: What if your wife wants a Female Led Relationship?

...wanting to know how to entice
her husband into a
Female Led Relationship
I'm seeing more women popping up on FLR forums, each wanting to know how to entice her husband -- which I'll use as shorthand for "life partner", "permanent boyfriend" etc -- into a Wife Led Marriage/Female Led Relationship.

Up until recently, it seemed to be always the man asking this, usually burdened with all sorts of odd and extreme expectations of erotic things that would happen if only his wife would take charge in a particular way.

This development is probably a good thing. Women seem on the whole more interested in the dynamic than generating routine extreme Femdom and are perhaps more realistic

However, this can be a bit confusing for husbands, especially because Internet porn gives an odd and extreme idea of how FLRs work.

First, let's deal with the elephant in the room...

If she asks for an FLR, you're probably already in one

If she asks for an FLR,
you're probably already
in one..
"Oh," says Xena, noticing my chastity device. "I didn't think were were doing anything this week."

I shrug. "It's that or I masturbate in bed," I say honestly. It's hard not to have horny thoughts at night, especially after all our Femdom adventures together.

"OK then. Yes," says Xena. "Foot rub?"

Ten silent minutes later I ask, "So will we carry on from where we left off?"

"I'm not sure yet," says Xena. "Instep please."

I thumb her instep while I think. It's a few months ago and we'd completed our "first tour of duty" as a Female Led Relationship, visited relatives and finally returned to our peaceful nest in the suburbs.

"OK," I say. "Let me know."

"Do my calves, please," says Xena and picks up her book and starts to read.

Gloriously outrageous! I try not to laugh as a massage her. She's not in the mood for conversation so she just assumes I'll mutely do her feet and legs. It's fair enough, she has a hard day at work tomorrow and needs all the emotional support and cushioning I can provide. But the end result is here I am rubbing her feet like a slave anyway.

In the morning, a list of chores trip off her tongue and she's off to work.

And I'm reminded of the couple of times when she's come home tipsy from a girls night out and remarked about how she's the dominant partner in the relationship...

...and it's true.

In the last few years, she's controlled the sexuality or at least acted as gatekeeper, set the domestic standards, and had the last word on finances. She also tends to get the last word on everything else. When I make a case for something, it's a good one. Sure. there's stuff she doesn't formally control, that we decide together-- for example holidays -- but often I don't have much preference so things go her way anyway.

I'm mostly unemployed, so the domestic chores naturally fall to me. Other female dominated couples are different. Perhaps both partners work and share the chores but the wife sets the standards. Perhaps he works but does the chores anyway. The same goes for money, social life and so on. The one thing that's usually true is that things go best in the bedroom when she calls the shots.

The point is that in a lot of marriages, the wife is already the dominant partner. By admitting this and embracing an FLR you aren't actually going to lose much, and you stand to gain some major benefits.

It is better to have an openly Female Led Relationship than an implicit one

FLR communication is simpler
and less stressful
Before, I had to pretend not to ask her approval for things, and she had to pretend not to be making the decision. There was no easy way for me to get a straight answer about things, and no effective way for her to indicate things that were mandatory. Also, I felt the need to push back in order to preserve some sense of manliness.

Simple example: She wants the house clean for the weekend. I have other priorities.

"Before", it would go like this:
Xena: It would be nice if the house was clean.
Giles: Oh, I was planning to go for a run then work on my CV.
Xena: It would be really nice if..
Giles: (Now feeling henpecked and disrespected). Yes, OK. I'll try to fit it in! 
And if I didn't take the hint, she would be come home to a messy house and be grumpy and guilty about being grumpy. If I did take the hint but only did a partial job, then we'd both be grumpy -- me because I would feel unappreciated.

"After", it goes like this:
Xena: I want you to clean the house today.
Giles: Oh. I was going to go for a run and do my CV.
Xena: You can run in the evening if you have the energy. You can spread the CV work out over the weekend.
Giles: OK. What exactly do you think needs doing? 
Now, we have domestic service going on because I'm "on the beach" mostly. However the same conversation could apply with choice of clothing for going out, bad moods, weekend plans and so on. And of course it could apply to sex.

After, with FLR, things are better for several reasons.

  • FLR communication is simpler and less stressful.
  • It's actually easier to negotiate.
  • No more pointless arguments.
  • You can both be much clearer about objectives.
  • There's no need to push back to preserve machismo.
  • When you do domestic chores, it may erode your machismo, but you can demand to be valued as a compliant husband.

Note that none of this involves me dressing as a French Maid or wearing panties! There's nothing wrong with that kind of thing, but it's not mandatory -- we'll come to why the Internet tells you it is in a moment.

Female Led Marriages generate Femdom intimacy, not always the kind you'd expect, but usually the kind you'll enjoy

Porn is fantasy.
Here's where the Internet depiction of FLRs crosses over into porn land.

Actually the action can be pretty pornographic. One of the selling points of FLR is a massively improved sex life, or at least enhanced intimacy. For a mature married couple, this can be escape from a Dead Bedroom.

But first, let's deal with the porn.

Porn is fantasy, it needs to offer variety, and it needs to depict relationships through easily visualized action and props while at the same time delivering a broad spectrum of fetishes.

Take for example me doing the housework on a Friday before Xena comes home.

I'm always happy to go down on
Xena while locked into my
chastity device.

Find out how to get some of this in your life!
I just look like a man doing housework. I'm not even thinking sexy thoughts, except perhaps anticipating the evening's adventures. Now imagine the porn version of a submissive husband doing chores: French maid outfit, panties, perhaps chains and so on.

The same goes for sex. The truth is that small variations around a few core routines are fine for those involved. I'm always happy to go down on Xena while locked into my chastity device, for example. And when she whips me, it's using the same selection of instruments. The pain is immediate enough for me not to get bored. The porn version, however needs escalation, spiked dildos, barbed wire floggers...

So it's not porn's fault, but porn is not a good guide to what any given FLR couple get up to!

This is a problem:

  • Submissive men focus on specific actions rather than the dynamic (i.e. the Femdom relationship)
  • Women who might enjoy Femdom and might embrace an FLR are put off by the porn, or by their husband's porn-driven preconceptions.
  • Men who might thrive in an FLR may flinch from the pornographic depictions.

The reality is different from the porn, because any Femdom is an expression of a particular couple's particular relationship.

How does Femdom work within a Female Led Relationship?

Vanilla sex pervades
a peer marriage.
Well, how does "vanilla" sex work in a peer marriage?

Answer: Vanilla sex pervades a peer marriage.

The broader relationship impacts on the bedroom. Though people pretend there isn't, there is always an implicit intimate reward and punishment system. For example, passion may reward material success. Withdrawal of sex may punish failure. Finally, it's not just what you do in bed, it's the ongoing romance, the flirty references and hints you drop during the day. However, what that night of passion entails, how they make love... those depend on their particular relationship.

Femdom in a Female Led Relationship isn't much different. It's just that the the control is firmly and explicitly with the wife, any reward system is out in the open, and there are usually BDSM elements to reflect the dynamic.

Even without the kink, it's actually pretty thrilling having your wife control the sex. It's like those discussions about chores (see above), except sexier. You always know you're doing what she wants and, because she's in charge, she has to take ownership and ask for the activities she enjoys.

Customized Femdom

In a sense, nothing changes,
it just gets amplified by
the Femdom

Find out how to get some of this in your life!
The kink, however, is a natural result of the FLR dynamic. Peer couples have sex (the aim is to both come) and make love (to both come in an intimate way). Femdom couples may do this as well, but the corresponding analogues are erotic service (he makes her come) and Femdom sessions (wild, intimate things happen).

Our experience, and that of other couples who talk about it convincingly online, is that the kink pretty much develops as described in my two self-help books on Femdom. It reflects your specific dynamic and specific relationship. In a sense, nothing changes, it just gets amplified by the Femdom.

With us, Xena was always a tease and always enjoyed spinning out my orgasms, but was never that keen on the messy finish. She always liked receiving oral sex, and always enjoyed long massages. And this -- since I love her -- was always pretty much what I liked. Add Femdom and the standard operating procedure is that I wear a chastity device in bed and she gets pleasured.

Other couples do it differently. Different sex toys. Different results. However, I suspect it's always just an amplification of what they already had, or both wanted.

It's also quite normal for the husband to continue to be the source of ideas, to research new kinks that fit the dynamic and suggest them to his wife. (For how to do this, see my book Getting her to be a Vanilla Dominatrix.) What's a major turn on is that the power relationship is effectively real. You're no longer role playing, or even playing; you're doing it for real. (Sometimes this is called Consensual Non Consent, but I don't think the term is very useful in this situation.)

Femdom Discipline

This discipline system itself can
be anything from orgasm control,
through psychological punishments,
to actual beatings, depending
on the couple.

 My books are a good start down this road!
Where vanilla couples have an implicit intimate reward and punishment system, FLR couples typically have an explicit one.

The 'explicit' is important because it prevents crossed wires and gets things in the open where you can explain or apologize, and deals with relationship issues decisively.

This discipline system itself can be anything from orgasm control, through psychological punishments, to actual beatings, depending on the couple.

People over-think discipline: if he wants it, how is it a punishment? Actually, we subs often want things we don't like. We may want the discipline (and control over rewards) as because the enforce the dynamic. And, even if we enjoy it on some level, accepting a punishment is a pretty submissive thing to do.

Femdom Romance different from wearing nice underwear
Find out how to add this to your sex life!
Finally, we come to ongoing romance. Vanilla couples drop sexy hints, wear intimate gifts and find ways to remind themselves of their bedroom life. FLR couples do the same but often in a more formalized way. Call it Femdom Romance...

When Xena issues a demerit, a promise of a stroke of the whip, it's the equivalent of here whispering sexy things in my ear.

And that brings us to things like French maid's outfits, or in my case a continuously worn chastity device. They are just an expression of the couple's dynamic, no different from wearing nice underwear: to work as a reminder of private times; around the house as background intimacy; or in bed because it feels right.

Again, these reminders depend on the couple's dynamic.

Some couples are about Feminization or humiliation, hence the French maid's outfit. Some couples -- us -- are about orgasm denial, hence the my male chastity device. Other couples are about other stuff, hence other things.

So, where does that leave you if your wife asks for a Female Led Relationship?

If she asks for an FLR, then it's probably already too late. At the very least embracing an FLR gives you a chance to negotiate or establish boundaries and argue less. It'll probably also revive your sex life in interesting ways.

The important thing is that your FLR and any Femdom will be about you both as a couple. You won't -- shouldn't -- need to start to behave like the denizens of pornland. 

You won't have to stop being yourselves.

For us, the first step on the FLR path was to develop Femdom that suited my wife so well she started to ask for it.  Use my manuals to help you make Femdom work in your relationship! There's one for him, and one for her

Monday, 8 September 2014

My wife really likes me to kneel in the corner at bedtime!

We spent yesterday tidying
up our garden for the onset
 of Autumn, Xena
giving orders
Find out how to get some of this in your life!
We spent yesterday tidying up our garden for the onset of Autumn, Xena giving orders but not explicit Femdom; our garden is pretty private, but Xena worries about her voice carrying or somebody popping their head over the fence, which is sensible enough I think.

I was anticipating some more intense Femdom in the evening, but Xena fell asleep while I was kneeling in the corner.

I waited ten minutes in an agony of indecision.

Would she be cross if I didn't come to bed?

She's sensitive to me trying to piggyback my masochism off normal life, and also gets cross if I try to land her with extra responsibility; would she feel it a burden to remember to tell me to come to bed before drifting off?

Eventually I decided to at least turn off her reading light and put her tablet on the bedside table. I rolled forward onto my knees.

Xena's eyes snapped open.
"Back in your corner."

Find out how to get some of this in your life!
Like a movie vampire, Xena's eyes snapped open. "Back in your corner."

Later, when she did call me to bed, I said, "Sorry, I don't know what to do when you fall asleep."

"Stay sitting in the corner," she said with no hint of hesitation.

"By sitting I take it you mean kneeling?" I said.

"Yes," she said. "But if you are sure I am asleep, you may change position."

I settled down with a profound sense of relief, two ambiguities solved. First, the practical one. I now know what to do.

The second, subtler. I now know for sure that the corner thing is as much for her as for me. I'm not just being humored. That thought kept me hard inside my Holy Trainer for quite a while as I drifted into sleep.

Don't resign yourself to just reading other people's Femdom adventures! When we started out, my wife was vanilla. Use my manuals to help you walk the same Femdom path! There's one for him, and one for her

Friday, 5 September 2014

Xena crosses a line with demerits (I'm not complaining)

"You never actually finish a room when
you clean it! Five demerits."
Dare to add some Femdom to your love life!
Last week Xena comes home from work, storms around the house, and declares, "You never actually finish a room when you clean it! Five demerits."


I'm more surprised than turned on.

Xena obviously likes the control the demerit system gives her, enjoys dishing out the resulting beating, but still has some difficulty owning her half of the relationship outside specifically kinky time. But here she is promising me five painful strokes with a riding whip.

"I'm sorry," says Xena sounding defensive. "But I really need to come home to a tidy house and this seems the only way."

"No. I've been rubbish. That's what demerits are for." And it's true. I felt guilty, redeemed, and hopelessly turned on.

This is how I like it. Without demerits I'm just a henpecked husband whose wife lets him wear a chastity device as long as he doesn't fuss. More importantly than that, demerits are a way to stop her from being irritated with me. If I get something wrong, she can give me a demerit and the issue is closed as long as I take her seriously, which I do.

So when we started out earlier this year, I got into the habit of coaching her. Whenever she said anything that required an apology from me, I'd say, "I suppose that was another demerit?" It usually was. Sometimes it was more. But that meant she could say that being whipped was my idea, which I also hate.

Back to last week.

On Friday, I take a gamble and tell her I'm going to stop suggesting demerits. If she wants the benefits of a slave, then she has to treat me like one.

I realize she's crossed a line
with those three demerits.
Find out how to get to start the journey
to this place
I expect to have to bite my lip and let potential demerits slide, but they arrive one after the other, day by day. Then last night I make my report. I've met all my targets -- erotica word count, diet, cleaning.

"Very good," she says and I know she means it. She likes being in charge. 

"Was everything else the way you like it?" I ask.

She wrinkles her brow. "Yes."

"So no demerits," I say with a real sense of relief. I'm already at 35 demerits and though the prospect excites me, I know that that's a lot of strokes to take. I'm not going to enjoy that beating.

"Wait," says Xena. "Earlier on you talked over my dialogue--"

It's true. She was watching TV and I interrupted to ask how long the show lasted so I could decide whether to settle to an activity or go to bed with a book. I obviously chose the wrong moment and she growled at me.

"--so give yourself three demerits."

Even in vanilla time, I'm now
living under the shadow of the whip.
Find out how to get some of this in your life!
"Yes mistress," I say and go to kneel in the corner.

She quickly calls me back to give her a foot and leg massage that lasts just under an hour. No conversation, just me mutely serving. Very much the slave.

I lavish attention on her curves. There's nowhere to go with this, no chance of an orgasm, no benefit in yearning to creep further up to her thighs and pussy but that's fine. It's like being a teenager again -- OMG I'm touching a woman's leg! Running my hands over it! I would be a walking--kneeling-- horn, except that the Holy Trainer 2 keeps my cock pointing down.

And as I rub and thumb and stroke, I realize she's crossed a line with those three demerits.

Up until now, demerits outside kinky space have always been about my duties and our shared domestic  life. Did I clean up after myself? Did I complete my tasks? Did I break some crockery? Even the time I cost us money by missing a special offer on some jewelry related to something she'd asked me to do.

These new demerits were about a pretty mundane husband-wife interaction. I'd talked over her TV show, she'd got cross with me. It's a subtle thing, but it's definitely a new development. She's started to use demerits as leverage in our day-to-day relationship!

Even in vanilla time, I'm now living under the shadow of the whip.

That thought tips me over the edge and I'm leaking by the time she tells me to come to bed.

"That's a lot of demerits to administer," I say.

"Oh," she says with a smile. "I'll manage."

Don't resign yourself to just getting off on other people's adventures! When we started out, my wife was vanilla. Use my manuals to help you walk the same Femdom path! There's one for him, and one for her

Tuesday, 2 September 2014

Calling my wife "Mistress"

"That's yes, mistress."
Find out how to get some of this in your life!
"And the lawn needs mowing tomorrow," says my wife.

I'm tidying away whips, restraints and dildos before sleep. I'm still hard inside my chastity device. My back is prickly from the beating she just gave me. My mouth is full of her aftertaste. however, xena is sated and thinking of other things.

 "Yes Xena," I mumble. "The lawn."

"That's yes, mistress," corrects Xena.

"Oh." She's surprised me. It always felt too cheesy, too melodramatic to call her that. "You want me to call you mistress, mistress?"

Xena nods. "Yes... but not all the time."

"Just in the bedroom, mistress?"


"Yes, mistress."

Last night she fell asleep over her book
leaving me kneeling in the corner.
Find out how to get some of this in your life!
And that's how it's been for the last month. Our bedtime routine is as before. I kneel in the corner waiting orders. She has me run errands, tidy up around her. Usually she wants a foot rub. Sometimes something more happens. Then it's back to the corner. Finally, when she's ready to sleep, she lets me come to bed.

Except before, there would be a little chatter. Sometimes I'd initiate it. Often I'd get it wrong. Now the word "mistress" hangs between us like a barrier, and for those precious couple of hours she's as distant from me as a Roman domina from her slave.

Last night she fell asleep over her book leaving me kneeling in the corner.

I knelt there, wrapped in the scary, sexy knowledge that she takes my slavery utterly for granted. It's no big thing for her to have me kneeling in the corner. That's just what slaves do.

That thought was enough to make my chastity device tightened and my mouth run dry.

Ten minutes later, Xena woke up and went back to her book. She didn't even glance my way.

Don't just read other people's adventures! My manuals can help you walk the Femdom path! There's one for him, and one for her

Friday, 29 August 2014

Now available: PDF Version of How to be a Roman Dominatrix

Since there have been so many email requests, I've now added a PDF version of my book, How to be a Roman Dominatrix:

You don’t have to be kinky to enjoy being a dominatrix! This books shows you how to use your partner’s “Femdom” fantasies to get what you couldn’t and shouldn’t get from a normal relationship.In less civilized times, Ancient Roman ladies routinely owned slaves. These terrifyingly independent women could do pretty much as they pleased, and it pleased some of them to use their male slaves for pleasure. This book presents a no-nonsense way to help you get on a part-time basis what these Roman ladies enjoyed. As a byproduct, this should satisfy most of your partner's fantasy cravings. It's about having a good time being a dominatrix, not being a good dominatrix. It's about having power, rather than pretending to have it. You'll always know what to do, because you'll always be doing what suits you. Your partner won't get all his kinks, but being a "real" slave should more than compensate for that!

Use my manuals to help you walk the Femdom path! There's one for him, and one for her