Become Her Slave!

My once-vanilla wife now loves keeping me as her chaste slave. Learn how to get some Femdom in your life too!

Tuesday, 23 August 2016

New covers for my Femdom self help books!

 Femdom need not be trashy!
A little while back, I updated the covers for both my Femdom self help books!

I like the trashy retro paperback look I developed for my erotica. Sometimes, it's good to be old fashioned.

However, the look just didn't quite suit the self help books.

How to be a Roman Dominatrix needed... deserved to look  a bit classier. I wanted to project the idea that Femdom need not be trashy; that you could do it in an elegant and feminine way and your sub would still be happy.
In the end, it's the dynamic that matters 

Getting her to be your Vanilla Dominatrix... well I wanted to make the point that a dominatrix can look normal.

OK, the model isn't quite girl next door. However, she's not made up like a porn star either. Nor is she wearing fetish clothing.

You can be kinky sexy without latex or wet look leather!

In the end, it's the dynamic that matters, which is what both books are about; dropping the preconceptions and doing wild Femdom for real.

Learn how to how to walk the same Femdom path with your partner! 

CLICK HERE to download my Femdom Erotica (all written while chaste!)
(For ebook format, 
Lulu or iTunes.)

Thursday, 18 August 2016

Consent isn't magic because submission is addictive

The vulnerable position of submissives means that consent
is simply not a magic spell that makes everything moral and OK.
I got 45 lashes last night.

Xena was wielding our new fibreglass cane and it hurt.

Each stroke hurt all on its own in its own right.

I'd wanted the whipping, deserved the whipping what with racked up demerits. It also turned me on almost painfully (bringing with it the knowledge that I have no chance of an orgasm any time soon). However, by the end of it, I just wanted it to stop.

I could have spat out my gag, said the safe word (well what approximates to it; "Xena Jesus that hurts please stop!"), but I didn't.

That wasn't a conscious choice; withdrawing consent was simply unthinkable.

I don't mean unthinkable in some porno-Femdom captioning BS way with caps, as in, "Disobeying Her, My Goddess was Unthinkable."

I mean safe-wording out just wasn't part of my frame of reference. Even if I were bleeding or badly cramped, or having breathing difficulties, those could all be handled within the D/s framework. There's no practical reason for breaking role.

I am addicted to submission and I like it that way.

I am addicted because of two issues -- or are they features? -- with being a submissive, rather than a bottom, or somebody who enjoys acting on submissive fantasies.

The first issue is that I am submissive.

We already had a vanilla domination
and submission dynamic.
We already had a vanilla domination and submission dynamic. Xena has always been the designated grown-up in the relationship. (A lot of non-kinky couples are like us: one partner naturally ends up in the leadership role and the other happily and actively facilitates this.) So I would tend to want to do what Xena wants, even if it didn't suit me, especially if it didn't suit me.

Now our FLR is explicit, everything about being our lifestyle reinforces this kinkier submission.

Just repeatedly acting out a role makes it functionally real over time, and we've been doing this for over two years. Even at the beginning we weren't acting anyway. The D/s worked best when it related to real things, like real domestic service and real orgasm denial that went on for days and months.

Then there's this thing that as a submissive I like to be "forced" into things I don't like -- this is where submission shades over into masochism. So I have no real will to resist things that take me out of my comfort zone.

Worse, looking back on last night's beating turns me on. Anticipating the next one is even more exciting. The more I don't enjoy it, the more satisfying the prospect and the resulting memory, and the less will I have to resist it.

I am so glad I did not safe-word.

The second issue is that I am in a poor negotiating position. 

 ...if I burst the kinky bubble, the
kink might go away for good!

On some level I've wanted this kind of relationship for my entire life. Xena, however, came to Femdom through me. She seems to be really happy in charge, and takes pleasure in the BDSM, but I know (she thinks) she could live without it.

It follows that if I burst the kinky bubble, the kink might go away for good!

This is not blackmail on Xena's part, it's just a relationship fact. If I make her feel awkward about being dominant, she won't feel like going to that place. Withdrawing consent might come at the price of her withdrawing consent forever.

Thus I am trapped in submission by my own submissive needs... which of course is a satisfying place to be.
The more I submit, the worse I suffer, the more submissive I become, the more I need the D/s relationship, the worse my negotiating position, the more trapped I am, the more submissive I feel...
(And yes, that might read better with some "tiddly-poms".)

The upshot is, though I consent to all of this, that consent doesn't mean very much. As long as we stay within the kind of sharp-edged hard limits that are enforced by lawyers or law enforcement and repaired by therapists and hospitals, my response is always going to be "Yes, mistress," or , "If that's what you want, Xena."

Really, I'm at her mercy.
That's a hell of a lot of leeway.

Really, I'm at her mercy.

If she chose to, Xena could make me suffer well beyond what would be remotely erotic.

Last night she could have whipped me until I was weeping and I would have accepted it as my lot. The other week when we were doing deep slavery, she could have made me sleep in my cell overnight then gone to work leaving me hungry (but with water) for the day.

The effect would have been the same. I would have accepted the suffering as my lot. It would have reinforced my submission. The memory would turn me on, as would the thrill of fear in anticipation of the next time.

What if Xena wanted something more extreme?

Nobody's cutting my balls off or feeding me hormones -- and she wouldn't want to. But what about a pierced penis? Or a permanent brand? Could I say no?

I would want to say no, but I would be aware of my poor negotiating position and I would consent in order to preserve the kink. The worst of it is that that lack of power would turn me on.

I don't want to be "cuckolded by a bull".
But what about another women?
Then there's relationship stuff.

Xena enjoys my company and doesn't seem to want to call up slave mode that often. But what if work became more draining? She could reduce me to a full slave for months on end and I would be unable to resist. The bleakness, the suffering and, frankly, boredom would trap me in a state of deep submission.

No I don't want to be "cuckolded by a bull". But what about another women?

Xena isn't bi as far as I know, but what if that changed? Yes of course I like the idea of serving more than one woman, or of watching. But what if she decided she just wanted to date another woman without me present?

I'd be trapped in the same loop.

And I'd give my consent. And that would turn me on.

And if she decided to push me, I have no idea how far I would go down into the darkness.

The moral responsibility rests with
the dominant.
All this means that negotiation and communication -- those shibboleths of BDSM culture -- don't really apply. 

Xena can't meaningfully negotiate for something she wants because my submissiveness and the power imbalance work together to make me consent to anything that won't destroy one or both of us.

Where's the moral responsibility?

In D/s relationships like this -- which are not unique -- the dominant partner is the only person who can really put the brakes on.

Unfair though this is, that means that regardless of the consent given by the submissive, the moral responsibility ultimately rests with the dominant.

Sorry! The vulnerable position of submissives means that consent is simply not a magic spell that makes everything moral and OK.

The take home for submissives is not just, "Careful what you wish for!" It's also, "Careful who you give yourself to!"

Learn how to how to walk the same Femdom path with your partner! 

CLICK HERE to download my Femdom Erotica (all written while chaste!)
(For ebook format, 
Lulu or iTunes.)

Monday, 15 August 2016

Is Angry Femdom a Feminist Issue?

It came up again today on Reddit: Is it OK for a dominant to administer a whipping in anger?

In the particular case, it was probably a bad idea.

However, one of the replies summed up the BDSM "establishment view" and went a bit like this:
Whipping in anger is wrong because you are out of control, and showing lack of respect and compassion for the other person. All this makes it abusive.
The implication is that you can only whip somebody if you are dispassionate, respectful and nurturing, in other words, a service top.

This is bollocks disingenuous.

What's happening is that dominants want to think of themselves as good people, and submissives don't want to think of themselves as losers.

Kinksters want the experience, but they want to pretend it's not real, as if the monkey brain that turns us on has a grasp of context and ethics.

Service topping is OK, but there are only three authentic dominant motivations for hurting a submissive (as opposed to scratching their masochistic itch from a position of power):

  • Instrumental: To get what you want, usually by punishing non- compliance or failure.
  • Anger: Because you feel angry with them or with what they are.
  • Sadism: Because it gives you pleasure to inflict pain.

  • None of these is a nice motivation. That's the point. This is the dark side.

    Despite the service assumption, sadism seems acceptable in most real world BDSM circles. However, can you be truly sure that your sadism is not tainted by... gasp... anger?

    Can you be truly sure that your 
    sadism is not tainted by... 
    gasp... anger? 

    Also, though there is debate about its efficacy, lifestyle BDSM people also use whippings as punishment. How can they be sure that their instrumental motivation is not mingled with irritation?

    And is sadism really any safer than anger?

    Aren't you actually more likely to get carried away if inflicting pain makes the blood rush from your brain to your genitals than if you are merely venting your anger, given that anger spends itself?

    Oh dear!

    The possibility of committing a thought crime! Better to attend a workshop on consent or do BDSM online than wield a whip if your motivations are not guaranteed 100% pure.

    Your pardon if as a submissive this service culture leaves me cold.

    I want to actually submit, not pretend-have-you-bean-a-naughty-boy submit.

    I like it when Xena wields the whip in anger. It's not just the thrill of genuine fear, it's also the reassurance that our D/s relationship won't just fall apart when things go wrong between us.

    And, if service top is the gold standard, what of dominants who have the urge to actually dominate with whip and flogger?

    Homing in on Femdom, I think there's a feminist issue emerging:

    Just as the Sexual Revolution mostly "freed" sexually active women to act like unpaid prostitutes, is the modern Kink Revolution in danger of "empowering" dominant women to act like unpaid pro-dommes?*
    *Not of course that there's anything wrong with sex workers! 

    Learn how to how to walk the same Femdom path with your partner! 

    CLICK HERE to download my Femdom Erotica (all written while chaste!)
    (For ebook format, 
    Lulu or iTunes.)

    Friday, 29 July 2016

    Why Feminism and Femdom are good for each other

    Femdom long predates Feminism
    I am a feminist, not because I am a submissive man, but because I am not an arse.

    Being a male sub doesn't automatically make you a feminist. There are plenty of pushy self-entitled subs, and Femdom long predates Feminism: Victorian gents who paid for female domination did not rush out to throw bricks with the Suffragettes (though I am sure they masturbated over fantasies involving them).

    Nor is Femdom the natural end point of Feminism. Feminism is about equality and freedom of choice. Wanting women to be in charge of society is to be a Female Supremacist, not a Feminist.

    Even so, I think Feminism and Femdom are good for each other.

    Why Feminism is good for Femdom

    ...a would-be domme would
    need to 
    learn new unladylike
    Feminism is good for Femdom because Feminism undermines the gender roles forced on us by the old patriarchy.

    Feminism says it's OK for women to take charge in the world, be assertive in a relationship, seek pleasure in bed, and be forthright about all that.

    In the once-upon-a-time of subtle manipulation, feminine wiles and coy hints, a would-be domme would need to learn new unladylike behaviour just to achieve a baseline of dominance. Nowadays she merely has to temporarily stop being polite and fair, to transition from "Please go down on me and I'll give you a blow job" to "Go down on me".

    So Feminism may not generate dommes, but it does make it easier for women to develop or express a dominant streak.

    Feminism also says it's OK for men not to be strong, and for us to be facilitating in a relationship, and giving in bed. The male sub of yesteryear had to cope not only with the shame of being unmanly, but also with his wife's horror (if she found out). Now he merely has to turn the conversation to shared fantasies or suggest kinky activities to "spice things up".

    Of course Feminism does not turn men into subs! However, it does give those of us with a submissive streak a much easier ride.

    Feminism says, "Pick your own roles, be yourselves" and that makes it easier for us Femdom people to do just that.

    Why Femdom is good for Feminism

    Being in charge can only be empowering
    I have to be careful here. I don't think Feminism is a reason to do Femdom! I'm also aware that Femdom can be presented as an erotic parody of Feminism with the implication being that only women who are latex clad hyper-vixens can be empowered.

    All that said, I think Femdom can have a feminist effect within a relationship and thus the existence of Femdom is good for Feminism.

    Being in charge, even if just for bedroom roleplay, can only be empowering. Despite improvements, we still have casual and structural sexism, and the remnants of patriarchy. Exploring a sexually dominant role must have the same benefits for a woman's confidence and assertiveness as would taking a leadership position in, say, a sports club or charitable organisation.

    The existence of dommes as an extreme example also makes it easier for vanilla women just to ask for what they want in bed, or in a relationship, and thus become more empowered in general. Dominatrices demonstrate that women can take charge and the world doesn't end!

    And, anything that empowers women in the personal sphere also helps to empower them in the wider world, which is good for the Feminist cause in general.

    So, it's not like political lesbianism (though the idea of "Political Femdomism" as a college movement is... exciting). However, in a small way I think Femdom helps the Feminist cause.

    Learn how to how to walk the same Femdom path with your partner! 

    CLICK HERE to download my Femdom Erotica (all written while chaste!)
    (For ebook format, 
    Lulu or iTunes.)

    Wednesday, 6 July 2016

    Please don't identify as a submissive if you are not

    The point about being a submissive
    is that you... submit.

    The point about being a submissive is that you... submit.

    It's not about one-true way, it's about truth in self-advertising.

    Submissives can - must - have limits, but they mark the edge of the sandbox for the dominant.

    Submissives usually have fetishes and fantasies, but they present these as tools for the dominant to get what they want.

    If most of the kinky sandbox is off limits, if your fetishes and fantasies are must-haves or preconditions, then really you are a bottom.

    It's OK to be a bottom.  Bottoms are kinky hedonists who negotiate and horse trade with tops to get specific kicks.

    Submitting and bottoming are different activities and offer different benefits to your partner or playmate. The dominant expects to be in charge. The top expects to enjoy building a scene together. (And sometimes dominants like to top, but that's a different story.)

     The top expects enjoy building a
    scene together.
    It's tempting for bottoms to present themselves as submissives, not least because the term "bottom" has become unfashionable and the waters muddy.

    Bottoms may be carried away by the fantasy around their preferred kink, or like to use the fantasy of submission to justify going through with a degrading activity.

    Also, though bottoms have the edge on dignity and self determination, some protestant streak in our culture rebels against pure hedonism: it's sometimes more comfortable to embrace a submissive identity than that of a mere kinky pleasure seeker.

    Finally, misidentifying looks awfully like a dishonest dating strategy in order to gain access to dominant women: the kink equivalent of one of those awful Red Pill tricks.

    Presenting as a submissive when you are a bottom is like taking somebody for a meal then telling them what to eat! It's rude and dishonest, makes real submissives look bad, and drives dominants away from the dating scene.

    If you don't want to use the term "bottom", describe yourself as having "submissive fantasies" or as enjoying "submissive kinks."

    Just don't identify as an actual submissive unless you are.


    Learn how to how to walk the same Femdom path with your partner! 
    CLICK HERE to download my Femdom Erotica (all written while chaste!)
    (For ebook format, 
    Lulu or iTunes.)

    Wednesday, 22 June 2016

    Three ways the BDSM Scene misleads (unless you are part of it!)

    The BDSM scene is an awesome
    achievement... but...
    The BDSM scene is an awesome achievement; all those people getting together to safely and consensually do stuff that's supposed to be bad, wrong, "unhealthy" or just demeaning.

    And they've been doing (mostly) safely it for decades!

    However, what comes out of the scene onto the Internet is misleading for wannabe kinksters.

    BDSM is all about activities (Wrong!)

    Sometimes it seems that the BDSM Scene exists to output kinky educational material: how to do bondage, how to whip, how to brand, how to... and so on. If you look at Fetlife profiles it's often the same: a list of available activities and skills.

    It's not deliberate, it's just that some stuff gets - needs - more coverage and is easier to write about than other stuff. So you're more likely to get a three page tutorial on suspension, than on simple domestic service.

    This is great for doing kink safely. However, it can obscure the fact that underlying all those kinky activities is a dynamic, and underlying that dynamic is a relationship of some sort: whether play only or something deeper.

    If you're not in the Scene, especially if you are part of an established couple, then you'll usually have to work from the relationship, to the dynamic, to the kinky fun.

    Dominatrixes are Monster Aliens (Wrong!)

    Dommes are real people...
    When you glimpse the scene online, it's all Lady This and Mistress That and Her Divine Will etc. It's as if these women lived in Gothic mansions with latex sissy maids at their beck and call.

    What's actually happening is that you're either not really seeing the Scene - these are pro-dommes rather magnificently weaving a fantasy for prospective clients - or else your attention is being drawn by the more flamboyant scene personas projected by dommes.

    In both cases, the public image is not necessarily false as far as it goes, but it's part of the fun and definitely not the whole story.

    The reality - if you stop to read blogs and twitter feeds, or have any real-life BDSM experience - is that dommes (and pro dommes) are real people just like you: ordinary people who experience boring first world problems, get sick from time to time, have complex relationships with their families, and non-kink hobbies such as Dungeons and Dragons.

    This is important because outside the Scene, you're likely to encounter your future domme in street clothes drinking coffee in Costas. Don't lose hope because none of the women you like wear thigh-length boots to work.

    BDSM is all about negotiation, consent, and aftercare (Wrong!)

    ...when your dominant is mostly or originally vanilla,
    the real challenge is to get them to
    do anything kinky at all! 
    Since they're hard to get right and reasonable expectations are subject to discussion, the Scene generates a lot of online material about negotiation, consent, and after care.

    To confuse things further, some dominants make themselves feel better about their preferences by talking as if that was what BDSM was really about - one lady, for example, described herself as a "consent fetishist".

    The reality, of course, is that the Scene is about the BDSM action. Negotiation, consent and aftercare are vital, but only because they are what makes that socially and ethically possible.

    The misconception - that it's about these - can be unhelpful in two ways:

    First, when your dominant is mostly or originally vanilla, the real challenge is to get them to do kink at all!
    ...aftercare at home need be nothing
    more than snuggling up in
    bed together.

    Anything that makes things even more complicated for them is likely to make the kink go away. So outside safety issues (including psychological safety), you're pretty much going to have to take the rough with the smooth if you want to get any kink whatsoever.

    Second, it encourages you to apply the most stringent standards designed for relative strangers to what should be a comfortable relationship based on underlying trust.

    Yes of course two strangers need to establish affirmative consent when doing a flogging scene in a club ("I'm going to hit you with this? Are you OK with that?"). However, if it's part of your routine and nothing has changed, then at home with your partner, it's probably OK to agree that the whipping will just happen (still subject to safewords).

    Similarly, aftercare at home need be nothing more than snuggling up in bed together.

    The BDSM Scene is the only place to find BDSM (Wrong!)

     ...there are plenty of kinky people
    who never go anywhere near
    the Scene
    Finally, when people in the Scene talk about dating, they normally talk about dating in the scene because that's where they live. For the same reason, when somebody asks for advice about finding a kinky partner, they instead offer up advice about getting involved in the Scene, going "poly" if necessary.

    This is not usually realistic for middle aged married people, or for single but otherwise conventional people - the Scene does not necessarily look like a good place to find a mainstream monogamous relationship.

    It's also unhelpful because it encourages wannabe subs who are single to only look in the scene, where churn may create poor odds, or to give up if they are not comfortable with munches and clubs.

    In reality, there are plenty of kinky people who never go anywhere near the Scene, perhaps because they are private people or not joiners, or are only found around it's edges because they are geeks or Goths.

    It is also unhelpful because it encourages people to think that once they have kink in their relationship, they should rush and join the local BDSM Scene. This is pretty much the equivalent of persuading your partner out for a Sunday ride on a bicycle, then insisting you both join the local cycle touring club.

    Make no mistake. The BDSM Scene can be an amazing place, 
    and it's full of amazing people. Just don't 
    let its online shadow mislead you...

    Learn how to how to walk the same Femdom path with your partner! 

    CLICK HERE to download my Femdom Erotica (all written while chaste!)
    (For ebook format, 
    Lulu or iTunes.)

    Friday, 17 June 2016

    NEW RELEASE! How to Ask For Kink: A Very Short Guide

    Click to buy!
    There has never been a better time to ask for kink! Thanks to the media and… a particular book, the cat o’ nine tails is out of the bag; kink is in the air!

    Even so, for those already in relationships, it's hard to open up and make yourself vulnerable by asking for the unusual in bed. 

    It’s also possible to get in a muddle and go horribly wrong, forever losing the chance of getting the kink you could have had.

    In this very short guide, experienced kinkster Giles English shows you how to effectively ask for any sort of kink without being pushy, annoying or whiny. (He also covers how not to do it and why not...)

    Concise chapters cover:
    • Why it's a good time to ask for kink (as long as it's between consenting adults). 
    • What your responsibilities are. 
    • Why commonly suggested approaches are bad ideas. 
    • How to pick which kinks to ask for. 
    • How and when to ask (which is both simpler and more complicated than it seems). 

    It's short. It's sensible. Click here to read it and take the first steps to exploring your kink, whatever it is.

    Learn how to how to walk the same Femdom path with your partner! 

    CLICK HERE to download my Femdom Erotica (all written while chaste!)
    (For ebook format, 
    Lulu or iTunes.)