Wednesday, 9 April 2014

More from the 3rd edition of Vanilla DominatrixGodde

I'm trying to simplify my ideas, make them more focused. I think I've managed to get rid of the PIRI tables without losing the thinking behind them...


Identifying her selves

So, which is your partner?
Companion (all about you and her together)?
Diva (all about her)?
Goddess (all about you)?
Hermit (me time)?
Actually, she probably has at least three selves depending on her energy levels.
These are useful to know even in vanilla circumstances…. especially in vanilla circumstances. A lot of the griping and sniping in relationships comes from when she’s being one thing and you’re trying to nudge her into another. For example, if she’s being Hermit and watching TV and you’re trying to chat about the show, forcing her into being Companion.
It’s not so hard to map out her selves. Get a scrap of paper or turn on your computer and open a word processor.
First, let’s get her natural self, who she is most of the time. How is she with her closest friends, the ones she hangs out with? How does she act at parties and social gatherings? Write that down and put a star next to it.
For example, my wife Xena is very much a listener who likes things to be nice for other people, and gets a quiet enjoyment when people appreciate her efforts:


Now, we need her selves at different energy levels. Think through each type. When she’s being that person, is she more or less energetic than when in her natural type? List them in descending order.
For example, Xena is at her most sociable when very wide awake, or full of coffee, or stimulated by an idea. That puts Companion at the top. As she tires, she becomes impatient and just wants things her way, adding Diva to the list. Once she’s relaxed, she slots into Goddess, her natural self. Finally, when she relaxes, she switches off into cosy “me-time”. This gives me a list like this:


The self at the bottom of the list is her lazy self, you tend to see a lot of that on a Friday night or after a hard day at work. The one on the top is her energetic self, which tends to be rarer as people get older.

This drop through the selves is one explanation for why most couples run into bedroom difficulties after the first couple of years. When you’re courting, you’re feeding off each other’s energy like an electric guitar placed up close to the amplifier. You’re both your energetic selves, where the sheer buzz of love is enough to blow away taboos and inhibitions. Later, when things calm down, or when life and work starts to sap your energy, you may find your lower energy selves are less sexually compatible. Worse, nothing will compare to those high energy days of your early marriage. Femdom can’t give you back your youth, but it can make those low energy selves work together in bed.


So, you now have Self Chart, a list of your partner’s selves (Companion, Diva, Goddess, Hermit) in descending order of energy, with her natural self marked, and her lazy self at the bottom. How does this help with Femdom?
Remember, the aim is to offer her kinky activities that she’ll actually enjoy. Considering her selfs is a great way of predicting this. For example, a Diva isn’t really interested in engaging with you so won’t be particularly up for “teasing and denial”, though might be interested in “denial” itself because that involves forcing her will on you. (If you don’t know these terms, then you’re probably not interested in that particular kink.)
We’ll call a place where Femdom might fit one of her selves a Femdom Window. It’s just a window, mind. (There’s no guarantee it’s open and you have no entitlement to go through.)
There are two types of Femdom Window:
Extensions merely take something she already likes and run with it. For example, if her Companion enjoys physically teasing and stringing out your orgasm, then “Tie me up” is a potential extension. Extensions are the easy ones.
Workaroundsuse kink to remove a barrier to sexual activity. For example, if her Diva doesn’t like penetration, then a potential workaround might be “Add a male chastity device”.
Sometimes, the same barrier exists in all her selves, for example a woman with a conservative upbringing might have a strong inhibition against taking the physical initiative in bed. However, the potential workaround might be very different for each of her selves and the easiest Femdom Window could well be when she’s being a Goddess.
To get through a Femdom Window, you need a "Key", that is a justification for what you are proposing.
Often this can mean “spinning” or “pitching” an activity involving one self in terms of another. Suppose, for another example, she feels sex is something she does when she’s a Companion, when she’s tired goes all Hermit, but this is forbidden because she doesn't think people should use people? Fine. Seen from the right angle, "sexual roleplay" is companionable. Being her slave is pleasurable for you, so it must be OK for her to that when she’s being a Hermit.
It can also mean using her reference points, kinky ideas with which she is familiar. Some women might enjoy being a Vampire Queen, others already have some idea of BDSM culture through reading erotica. It all depends on what books and screen she enjoys.

All this makes more sense if we work through some examples...

If you buy the current edition of Getting her to be your Vanilla Dominatrix, you can later re-download it to get the 3rd edition...

Thursday, 3 April 2014

6 things I'd like to see in the Holy Trainer 3

So far my experience of the Holy Trainer 2 has been fantastic! It's a lockable second skin that doesn't let you get an erection.

However, there is technology I'd love to see in the Holy Trainer 3. Here it is in reverse order of plausibility.

  1. More sizes!
    Especially smaller. 
  2. More colors!
    Especially realistic skin tones.
  3. Regular plastic if that's tougher!
    Though it's nice, there's no need to bother with the bio-resin. Plastic is fine as long as its tough.
  4. Built-in time lock! 
    Nice if this were clockwork, but digital would do. This would get around the whole self bondage shenanigans, and also be great fun for the key-holder since a sentence would be irrevocable.
  5. Pull-out detector!
    No ball trap device can be 100% secure without piercings. However, it must be possible to devise something that detects pullout. This could be as simple as a spring-loaded button that blocks the tube if you pull your dick out, or as complicated as an electronic gizmo that beeps and flashes randomly and doesn't stop until the device is unlocked.
  6. Blue-tooth bio monitor telemetry thingy!
    Let's have a magic button that provides telemetry to the keyholders, especially detecting tumescence and emission.

However, while I'm waiting for the future to come along, I'll "enjoy" my Holy Trainer 2.

Why not introduce some Female Centered Femdom to your relationship?

Wednesday, 2 April 2014

Installing your Holy Trainer 2 chastity device

All pictures borrowed from
the Holy Trainer website
To say that the Holy Trainer 2 is snug is probably an understatement. It's as close to what you'd get if you dipped your dick in molten plastic and let it set in place (but without the trip to the ER!).

One it's on, you'll easily forget you're wearing it. Sleeping is no problem, nor does it get in the way of work or (most) exercise.

However that snugness makes it just  a little bit hard to "install" properly. The instructions on the site are well illustrated  (I'm going to borrow them here), but not quite detailed enough, so I've written some new ones.

Once you get the hang of putting on your device, you'll find you can do it very quickly indeed.

Before you begin

You need a Holy Trainer 2 that fits snugly. This means that the tube should be the same length or slightly shorter than your flaccid penis, thus ensuring your peehole lines up with the slot. (If you fit the DHGATE A080, then the smaller Holy Trainer 2 is for you.) The base ring needs to be tight but not insanely tight. Measure and experiment before ordering.

When you get your device, check for any sharp edges and corners. I don't mean sharp as in "slice your dick sharp"! However the downside of the precise molding is that some of the corners can feel spiky. You can fix this with a fine file or sandpaper. Don't go crazy, just take the edge down a tiny amount and test with your tongue.

To get the device on you need a few minutes of privacy somewhere warm and either body-friendly lotion or a nice shower. (Showering and then drying is surprisingly easy in the Holy Trainer 2.)

Step 1: Lube the device or shower it and yourself

Either spread some lube inside the penis tube, or else shower yourself and the device then rinse off thoroughly.

Step 2: Get your balls through the base ring

Yes, this is likely to happen the first time
you put on your Holy Trainer
Pull some scrotum (your sack) through the ring, then push one ball at a time through from behind.

The ring should feel tight but not torture.

Step 3: Get your cock through the base ring

If you got hard, wait until you've calmed down a bit (the body seems to get used to this, so after a while your erection will go away on contact with the ring).

Hook the fingers of one hand back through the ring so as to protect the cock from the corners of the locking assembly.

With the other hand, if you can, push the head of the penis into the shaft as if turning your cock inside out (ewww), then push it down into the ring.

Finally pull your penis through and push the ring back so it is seated properly.

Step 4: Install the penis tube

Either lube up the tube or give it as quirt from the shower. Angle it down and carefully slide it into place avoiding nipping your skin.

You will notice that your dick isn't anywhere near the end of the tube. Don't worry, we'll come to that.

Step 5: Lock the device

This can be hard unless you know how, after which it becomes easy.

The trick is to firmly pinch the device between your fingers (on the tube ring) and the thumb (on the tube) so that the two parts are pusher together in the correct alignment.

The magic locking thingy should slide in easily.

Step 6: Position your penis inside the chastity tube

When I first tried this using a Q-tip, I ended up stabbing myself in the urethra! However, after a while I came up with a better system. Here it is:

Chastity is more fun when you have
somebody to serve
If you are in the shower, turn the output to cold and squirt the water up the inside of the tube, thus shrinking your dick. If not, do something else for a few minutes to let your penis calm down. This is a good time to shave, for example.

Next tug the scrotum to make sure the ring is positioned against the body.

Now shake the device to unstick your dick from its roof then tilt the tube up as if you were having an erection and at the same time push the tube gently down the shaft. 

Do this several times.

The head of your dick should now be firmly lodged against the inside of the tip of the device. 


Chastity is more fun when you have somevody to serve! Find out how to introduce some Female Centered Femdom to your relationship!

Monday, 31 March 2014

Revisiting the PIRI Modes

Following on from my last posts, and spurred by a useful comment from one Maarten, here's a diagram that might help:

Now let's see if I can improve the descriptions!

Here's a redraft of the opening of that chapter...


For our purposes, a woman  fits one of four archetypes or stereotypes at any given time. Which depends on her energy levels and her mood.


A Companion shares her feelings and wants to hear about yours. It's all about give and take, interactivity. 

At work, she thrives in brainstorming sessions or small creative teams where people bounce ideas and feed off each other. Socially, she's all about chatting and bantering. She's the same when it comes to courting, she's all about deep conversations or shared flirtatious banter. 

In a relationship, she's all about shared decision making and consensus. She's not a good person to watch TV with unless you want to discuss the program.

In vanilla sex, everything's mutual. If the Companion is done to, she's also doing. If she's underneath, she's shifting and using her muscles. If you're having oral sex, it'll be in the 69 position.

In Femdom, the Companion gravitates to the most mutuality. This could mean turning service top, planning out scenes in detail. However, she's most comfortable going with the flow of your erotic encounter. If she's teasing you on the edge of orgasm, or inflicting pain, she's also getting loudly turned on herself. If she's making you suffer to prove your love, then she's also praising you for your bravery; "Come on honey, just another twenty lashes..."

Your orgasm is usually part of the fun for her, and the tenderness of aftercare sometimes the best bit.


A Goddess doesn't reveal her feelings but is interested in yours.

At work, she's the coolly efficient colleague nobody can do without, but nobody seems to get close to. Socially, she's charming but a better listener than talker. She may also be a quiet show off, enjoying looking good without making a fuss about it. In courtship she's the vamp; the men have to do all the running while she sits there looking good and perhaps a little amused.

In a relationship, she's can go two ways. Everything can be all about you proving your devotion to her. You spend your life fetching and carrying for her, rubbing her feet while she watches TV, and she has the final say on major decisions, all the while taking your compliance for granted. However, she can also surprise you with thoughtful gifts and treats, and go to great lengths to make you happy.

In vanilla sex she's either stunningly passive, or physically dominant. She's happy to lie back while you worship her, covering her in kisses, pouring on the praise. However, if she's feeling energetic, then she turns technician; lie back and have the ride of your life! She may also be an wonderful exhibitionist, but you never know whether it's for you or her.

In Femdom, the Goddess can behave much as she does in vanilla sex. For example, she'll lie back and be worshipped by a gushingly grateful slave, but she may turn his worship into some kind of ordeal test. Perhaps his chastity device stays on, or getting close enough to worship means getting close enough to be whipped. 

When she's in the mood, she's also an awesome "service top", enjoying using kink to push your buttons while giving not much away herself. However, she's equally capable of turning cold sadist or calculating tease. She most certainly will not gag you. Whimper and squirm all you like, it will just feed her enjoyment. And of course, she enjoys ordinary service, as telepathic as possible.

Your orgasm is normally the ultimate tribute (though its denial may be even more interesting for her). Aftercare will amuse her.


A Diva is one of life's steamrollers, a force of nature. You're there just to validate her self image, or as a blank canvas.

At work she's either an inspirational leader, or one of those pushy people who gets things done. She's happiest as a boss, or as the terrifying personal assistant of a boss. If she works alone or as a solo specialist, then she's probably some kind of designer or management consultant. She knows best and will impose her vision on the world. She may also be some kind of performer, a motormouth comedian or stunningly sensual singer.

Socially, she makes things happen but doesn't necessarily stick around to see the results. If you go drinking with her, expect to visit a dozen bars or clubs, have conversations with strangers, and to watch her dance but somehow fail to quite dance with her. In courtship, she's direct and challenging and impatient with social customs. Mostly, a lover's purpose is to prove how magnificent she is.

In a relationship, it's her way or the highway. Where the Goddess likes to get her way to prove how much she is loved, the Diva just likes to get her way. She's the kind of partner who gives you gifts designed to make you  a better person (in her eyes), expect gym memberships, smart suits, improving books. Like the Goddess, she enjoys being pampered, but wants the pampering without the fuss.

In bed, the Diva knows what she likes, expects it and expects you to stick to it. If she says, "Kiss my left breast" she means "left breast", not "nipple", not "flanks", and keep your hands to yourself. Spontaneity on your part will not be rewarded.

She may be disconcertingly noisy, but she's not really interested in hearing your cries of pleasure.  If she does things for you, don't bother giving her feedback, you'll just get a "Who's doing this? You or me?"

In Femdom, the Diva is slightly terrifying. Don't expect her to service top, and any negotiations will be about limits and safewords, not scripts. If she enjoys service, expect it to be backed up by ferocious discipline and expect to be micromanaged.

If she does things to you, then don't expect much tenderness. Where your pleasure is involved, she'll be drawn to toys with on/off buttons, or handling your genitals with rough efficiency. If she's into giving pain, expect pain. And she'll probably gag you. It's enough to know you're suffering, she doesn't need to hear you go on about it. 

She may be interested in your orgasm, but don't expect much in the way of aftercare; you wanted this, so stop fussing and make me a cup of tea.


The Hermit just wants everybody to go away so she can be alone. She has no desire to share her feelings and no interest in yours.

At work, she's a technical specialist or total nerd, the kind you find still at work at 6am surrounded by stacks of pizzas. Give her some instructions and let her get on with it. Please don't invite her to any meetings. If she works alone, then she does something Internet-based that lets her stay in her home office.

Socially she's only a grudging presence and seldom sticks around after putting in an appearance. If she goes to the cinema, it's to see the film, and she's quite happy making solo visits to museums and galleries. In courtship she's usually illusive and impossible to pin down, but can suddenly open up physically, without however making any verbal commitment to anything.

In a relationship, the Hermit feels more like a roommate than a lover. She'll negotiate quite reasonably, but then regard things as settled once and for all. Her attitude is, "Of course I still love you, otherwise I would have left. Now, pass the TV remote control."

In bed, the Hermit is usually cold an uninvolving. Sex is just mutual masturbation, please don't make a fuss about it. Once she's done, she loses interest. Don't forget to grab your coat on the way out... and if you live with her, try not to snore.

In Femdom, the Hermit is not interested in making any effort whatsoever. Don't expect kinky clothing or cool sex toys. She probably won't even shave her legs. However, she will cheerfully use you as a real slave. Be seen and not heard, willing to fetch and carry or wait quietly for what will seem like hours and you may find yourself giving her a massage or serving her orally. Forget your orgasm, though, or any chance of after care.

* * *
Hopefully you'll recognize these people! However, you'll also have observed that very few normal people are the same person in all circumstances. For example, a woman who is a Diva at work may be a Hermit at home, and a Goddess when courting. Bed may be the only place where she feels free to be a Companion, or she may flip between Goddess and Diva depending on her mood.

You'll also notice that Goddess and Diva are two sides of the same coin. The Goddess is good at listening, the Diva at talking, but neither are any good at conversation. Some people are like this in bed, unable to handle the messiness of mutuality, but able to comfortably give (Goddess) and take (Diva).

The trick when introducing Femdom to a vanilla partner is to suggest activities to fit her available modes. For example, a Diva won't be much interested in tying you up and teasing you!

Which modes are available depends on five things (I'll introduce them here, and then go into them in detail in the rest of the chapter):
  • What's her natural mode, the person she is most comfortable being? Femdom may fit most easily into that mode, or may come as a fantastic relief. A natural Diva, for example, may find vanilla sex awkward and unsustainable.
  • What's her lazy mode, the person she is when she is mentally or physically tired? In along term relationship, what with work and modern living, this is the person you are most likely to see in bed on a Friday night. A natural Companion, might subside into a sleepy Goddess.
  • What relevant erotic taboos does she have? Most people have sexual taboos, things they feel they are not supposed to do. We're interested in ones to do with mode. For example, a woman with romantic notions might feel that sex should never take place in Hermit mode.
  • What relevant erotic prescriptions does she have? Most people prescriptions about how sex should be. Again, we're interested in the ones we can put on the mode chart. For example, a woman might feel that one should "never give in to men", meaning she can't have sex in Goddess mode.
  • Finally, what erotic inhibitions does she have? These don't really show up on the chart, but matter for two reasons. First, they identify things we should not suggest. If she is inhibited about natural functions, then anal play is probably off the menu! Second, they suggest kinky workarounds. For example if she is inhibited about penis-in-vagina sex, you might want to wear a male chastity device.

Taken together, natural mode, lazy mode, taboos, prescriptions and inhibitions often conspire to get in the way of vanilla sex, especially as we get older and the hormonal drives fade.

Approached right, kink, especially Femdom, can be a fix for this in one of two ways:
  • It can act as a workaround against taboos, inhibitions and prescriptions. We've already seen the chastity device against a penetration taboo. Suppose, for another example, she feels sex belongs in Companion mode (prescription) but her Lazy mode is Hermit, and she doesn't think people should use people (Taboo)? Fine. Seen from the right angle, "sexual roleplay" is companionable. Being her slave is pleasurable for you, so it must be OK to do that in Hermit mode.
  • It can act as an extension of what she already likes. For example, suppose she already likes her sex in Goddess mode? Offering to be her chaste worshipper might just push her buttons.
The rest of this chapter will help you get to grips with this system by working through some examples...

[EDIT: Image updated. New edition is shaping up to be simpler and more streamlined even than this. If you buy the current edition, you can update to the new edition when it comes by re-downloading from your amazon library.]

Friday, 28 March 2014

Naming help, anybody? (Better terms for the PIRI modes)

The main criticism of my Vanilla Dominatrix book boils down to it requiring you to be a bit geeky or intellectual to get the central idea, the PIRI Modes:

  • Interact: Talking, playing, making love. Interacting with the people around her. 
  • Project: Bossing, managing, creating, expressing, discoursing, lecturing, playing music. Giving a blow job. Projecting herself on the people around her. 
  • Resonate: Listening, basking in adulation, watching, absorbing. Receiving cunnilingus. Resonating to the people around her. 
  • Ignore: Getting on with things in her own space. Masturbating. Ignoring the people around her. 

These modes are really helpful in making sense of what kinky activities your vanilla partner might enjoy:

...especially if you look at energy levels:
So, for example, in this diagram both Extrovert and Introvert start off in Interact, then take different routes to Ignore.

I think the biggest issue is that the names are not intuitive enough, and thus hard to remember. My problem is that the names need to make equal sense in non sexual, vanilla sexual and kinky situations!

Possible schemes include:

Jazz Era:


Fairy Tale:

Modern archetypes:

Connected Mode
 Diva Mode
Goddess Mode
 Me Time Mode

None of these schemes are perfect! Suggestions welcome...

Why not introduce some Female Centered Femdom to your relationship?

Thursday, 27 March 2014

Showering in your Holy Trainer 2

Since I am now under orders to wear my chastity device whenever practical, I thought I had better test out showering in it.

So, this morning I took a shower in my Holy Trainer 2.

It was a proper shower.

I soaped my man-parts and used the shower-head to squirt water up the tube. I can't speak for the earlier version, but the Version 2 showed no signs of softening in the heat, just a slight tackiness to the surface.

I dried, using the hair drier on my genitals (low setting). I had to take some care over the angle between cock and balls, since that's one spot that doesn't get air circulation. I also blew cool air direct into the tube, which circulated well enough.

The scrotum seemed to look after itself! Unlike with my Chinese device, there was no need to pull the skin back and forward to removed trapped water from the A-ring; the Holy Trainer's plastic seems to repel water.

Then I started my morning routine of chasing contracts.

It was as simple as that--

--which kind of surprised me. I did not expect a tube chastity device to be quite so practical.

A few hours later, I removed the tube to take a look. Everything was dry.

I've no idea if other middle range devices are as good as this. However, it seems to me that the Holy Trainer 2 is fine for showering in, and so suitable for longer term 24/7 wear.

I wear my chastity device because my mistress wife tells me to. Why not find out how to introduce Femdom to your relationship?

Tuesday, 25 March 2014

Holy Trainer 2 Review: 5 nights sleeping in chastity

"I used to feel I had to ask your permission to belt up before sleep," I remark as I give Xena her pre-sleep backrub.

51 days of denial mean that I get hard just touching her skin... of course the Holy Trainer doesn't let me get an erection. Earlier rubbing her feet I went into a kind of fugue state and she gave me a demerit.

"Now," I continue, "I feel I have to ask your permission not to belt up."

It is not always easy to settle down to sleep in a chastity device
when you're sharing the bed with a beautiful woman you love.
"Too right," says Xena.

"So," I continue, risking pushing a little. "I've been wearing the Holy Trainer most nights, but what are the rules?"

"Where it whenever it's needed," says my wife.

I chuckle. "You need to be more specific than that."

"At night," says Xena. "Otherwise you might masturbate - which is how this all started."

"What? Oh." This is news to me. "And during the day when on my own?"

"Yes," says Xena.

"OK," I say, and I can say OK because the so far the Holy Trainer has been no trouble at all.

No period of adjustment, no chafing or teething troubles.

I could have taken it straight out of the box when it
arrived, cleaned it and installed it and just left it on!
I honestly believe I could have taken it straight out of the box when it arrived, cleaned it and installed it and just left it on!

So that's how we've lived for the last five days.

I wear the Holy Trainer each night, take it off to go to the local gym, then belt up for the rest of the day unless I have some evening sporting activity. I'm not wearing 24/7, but I'm more in than out and I've slept five nights in the device.

It is not always easy to settle down to sleep in a chastity device when you're sharing the bed with a beautiful woman you love! Sometimes I just have to lie there and squirm, waves of lust rippling out from my trapped penis.

Even so, I have generally slept very soundly indeed.

For a start - with a good snug fit - answering the call of nature is no problem. If the head of my cock is squished against the end of the tube, then the slit is aligned with the slot. I don't even have to look. No messing around with Q-tips and endless handfuls of toilet paper.

The snugly fitting tube lies quite naturally against the balls, meaning that everything is where it normally is. There's no need to lie in an odd position;  I can even lie on my front! There's also no need to wear briefs to provide support (it helps that the Holy Trainer is really light), and no padlock to clunk around, getting in the way and unbalancing things. The A-ring also conforms to the body. Mostly I hardly know it's there.

In general, erections are no problem. The tube format means no bars to dig into the sensitive penis head or to chafe my shaft. The erection remains pointed down, there's no sense that the device is going to slide off.

The Holy Trainer doesn't prevent morning wood, but nor does it turn it into a physical torture. My penis inflates so strongly that the Holy Trainer ends up perched over the head like one of those penicap devices! Even so, the device remains in place and, more importantly, there's no pain. I remember being woken up with by the Chinese, feeling like my cock was being forced through a colander while a gorilla was trying to rear off my balls. No so the Holy Trainer. The sensation is odd, and tight, but not painful.

So, when I'm turned on, the Holy Trainer is there, trapping, restraining, sealing, but never hurting. When I'm relaxed and sleepy, it's just a comforting presence around my genitals. I sleep soundly and wake refreshed and perhaps a little smug.

(I would like very much to wear the device for 24 hours solid some time soon, and I certainly plan to test having a shower while wearing it.)

If you aren't careful what you wish for, then why not try using my Femdom self help books to add some chastity to your relationship?