Become Her Slave!

My once-vanilla wife loves keeping me as her chaste slave. Find out how we ended up in a Female Led Relationship!

You can enjoy the Femdom lifestyle too, if you dare. Let me show you how to sell yourself to your vanilla wife or girlfriend as a part-time slave!

Wednesday, 1 July 2015

How do I tell whether I am a real sub?

A submissive... craves power exchange.
This comes up from time to time: Am I a a sub, or just a bottom with submissive fantasies, or possibly a switch...

The distinction between sub and bottom is important because each wants a different kind of relationship. Getting them muddled can lead to uncomfortable situations, or simply an inability to ask for what you really want.

A submissive, broadly speaking, craves power exchange. They usually have fantasies about specific kinds of BDSM, but will happily give them up as long as they can enjoy their preferred dynamic. They value authenticity and spontaneity, and though they have limits, don't emphasize scripted scenes...

A bottom... wants specific BDSM action
A bottom, again broadly speaking, takes a submissive stance erotically, but wants specific BDSM action. Their tastes may grow and expand, but it's about the action, not the dynamic. They often fantasize about the action taking place within a dynamic, but quite rightly, tend to shy from actual D/s relationships, or else hem them in with rules, boundaries and traffic signal safe words.

The submissive may seem the more authentic of the two, but the bottom is the most in control. The sub is a slave looking for a master. The bottom is an adventurer exploring the dark side. This probably explains why some obvious subs claim to be bottoms. However, there is also a tendency for bottoms to embrace identity politics and loudly proclaim themselves to be a "sub". People like this are so specific in their actual needs that they often get called "do me subs".

The switch makes things more complicated because they cheerfully go between dom and sub and/or top and bottom  - people use the term interchangeably!  It's perfectly possible for a sub to enjoy switching, but if so they will be "service topping", really just enjoying facilitating the experience of the partner in the submissive stance, who is usually a bottom.

So are you a real sub? I think you are if the majority of the following are true:

  • I still feel submissive after I come.
  • My submissive fantasies focus on feelings rather than action.
  • I feel the urge to submit in non sexual situations, even when they don't turn me on.
  • When submitting sexually, I am happy to go with the flow as long as my partner acts with authority.
  • I am happy to enjoy a BDSM experience that does not lead to my orgasm. 

How submissive you are - that depends how often the above is true.

Don't resign yourself to just getting off on other people's adventures! When we started out, my wife was vanilla. Use my manuals to help you walk the same Femdom path! There's one for him, and one for her

Monday, 29 June 2015

Is Femdom a Neanderthal trait? Look at your toes.

If this is true, then I would expect, long term,
Femdom to turn out to be mostly a European thing,
People, especially poly folk, like to claim that Bonobos, being our cousins, are a better guide to ancestral human behavior than more violent patriarchal primates. Bonobos are basically furry-faced Femdom hippies:
Bonobo communities are peace-loving and egalitarian. Bonobos are considered to have a matriarchal society, meaning that females have a higher social status than males and social interactions are female-centered and female-dominated. Females have strong social bonds amongst themselves, but they do not exclude males.
One in the eye for evo-psych-touting red pill guys! It also provides a nice explanation for Femdom.

Only, alas, for most of history, most humans have not been like Bonobos. Men have mostly been nasty, war-mongering, status-obsessed, woman-beating, gay-bashing patriarchal pigs, and the woman have survived and accommodated that.

This leads to a knotty problem: Femdom seems bizarrely unlikely, because a million years of patriarchy. However, Femdom seems pretty well hardwired for some people, with practitioners often reporting an interest in D/s dynamics from an early age.

It's easy to imagine Femdom pairings happening on the quiet, despite the backdrop, but much much harder to imagine a Femdom track spontaneously evolving in humans.

And yet, it really does feel hardwired.

Where might a Femdom "gene" have come from? Not from the Bonobos! However, it turns out, humans interbred with two other species; Neanderthals and a Mystery Species tagged "Denisovans".

We already know that Neanderthal genes can affect not just our physical health, but also our propensity for nicotine addiction. Why not also our sexual orientation?

There's an old theory that Neanderthals were among other things matriarchal and that their culture has left an echo in our folklore.

So a really neat explanation - for which there is not as yet any actual evidence! - is that Femdom is a Neanderthal trait, or at least the product of a Neanderthal trait for Female dominance colliding with the Homo Sapiens trait for muddling sex and violence.

If this is true, then I would expect, long term, Femdom to turn out to be mostly a European thing, basically following a distribution like this:

A genetic explanation might explain how vanilla couples sometimes simply fall through a Femdom hole. Perhaps we Neanderthals are good at picking each other out based on scent or other clues.

Speaking of which, do you have Neanderthal genes? Allegedly, you can find out by looking at your feet. Is your second toe the same size or larger than your big toe?

Or, a better definition:
If the space between your first and second toe appears to be deeper, not wider, but deeper than the space between your second and third toes
Mine is...

If Femdom is your destiny, use my manuals to help you walk that path! There's one for him, and one for her

Sunday, 14 June 2015

Where does Femdom come from? My personal theory

Why Femdom?
Every so often, we ask ourselves, why Femdom?

Why us?

Anecdotal evidence on forums certainly supports D/S as an innate orientation. Most kinksters - like most gays and lesbians - seem to report an interest in their preferred dynamic from a pre- sexual age (see links here).

Where do female dommes come from?

...a scold looks pretty much like
an oppressed domme to me.
It does seem odd that after millennia of patriarchal gender roles - whether through nature or nurture - the human race produces a significant minority of female dommes.

When you look closely at history, this oddness is however an illusion.

Certainly in historically recorded Western culture, there has always been a sense of a battle of the sexes - e.g. you see it in legal cases in Ancient Athens, and in the punishment of "scolds" in early modern Europe, and in humorous illustrations and stories, e.g. Chaucer.

Put it this way.

You don't for instance, need a scold's bridle unless you first have a scold, and a scold looks pretty much like an oppressed domme to me.

Courtly Love
Men controlled the law and the government, had a virtual monopoly on domestic violence, and still there was a battle of the sexes.

I think this means that not only have women have been resisting oppression for a long long time, but also that sexual dominance is innate and particularly strong in some individuals regardless of the cultural context.

When the culture allows it, the Femdom comes out of the woodwork.

Examples include Roman women keeping male slaves for pleasure and more, and the Medieval ideal of Courtly Love and its Arabic equivalent - though to what extent ladies made real knights jump through hoops, serve and suffer is not clear.

Modern Femdom simply allows dommes (and subs) to be themselves, much as liberal legislation does for gays and lesbians who however have always been there.

Modern Femdom allows dommes
 to come out of the woodwork 
and be themselves
Now, if Nurture - culture and upbringing etc - doesn't explain female dommes, then we are left with Nature.

Going down the selfish-gene root, being a dominant female has obvious reproductive advantages in terms of access to protection and resources with the possibility of maintaining sexual autonomy.

We can imagine the extreme example of a pre-human female in primal times who keeps a male around to protect and help feed her and her offspring, but who tends to breed exclusively with the alpha males.

It also makes sense to regard female sexual dominance as something that can often be switched on by particular permissive circumstances, which perhaps suggests the runaway success some subs experience with formerly vanilla partners.

The real mystery, then, is where do the male subs come from?

Where do male subs come from?

...editing himself out of
the gene pool. What is
going on?
Male submissives often experience their orientation as innate. However, clearly, male submission in its most extreme form confers no direct reproductive advantage; the chaste cuckold who waves his wife off to be impregnated by her "bull" might feel totally fulfilled, but is pretty much editing himself out of the gene pool.

What is going on?

One way of looking at this is to borrow from genetic explanations for male homosexuality; the reproductive benefit applies to the gene, not the individual.  

So, scientists have observed that gay men often have very fertile sisters. The implication is that the hypothetical gay gene passes so effectively from mother to many daughters that it doesn't matter that the sons don't breed.

Similarly, there is a theory that being a little bit gay makes you very attractive to women and thus more likely to breed; in a nutshell, gay men have brothers with large families.

Perhaps being a little bit submissive 
makes you better at courtship
So, imagine there is a "male sub gene".

Perhaps male subs have hot sisters. Perhaps being a little bit submissive makes you better at courtship. It doesn't matter if one son ends up as a happy cuckold, because the daughters or other sons, depending on the theory, reproduce successfully to offset this

The link could also be totally obscure, and apply only to a lost corner of our primal history. Perhaps male subs are better at smelling the approach of sabertooth tigers?

Another - and not mutually exclusive - approach is to consider specific fetishes - cuckolding, boots, chastity, cross-dressing etc - as merely culturally-determined expressions of the desired underlying dynamic.

Perhaps, before the advent of modern contraception and chastity devices, male submission was actually an effective breeding strategy? (NB not a conscious strategy, rather something that results from instincts and urges. Anytime we talk about evolutionary psychology, we have to be careful to distinguish between personal subjective motivation and why nature "favors" a behavior.)

...when a modern young man puts
himself in the "friend zone" 
Male submission could be a good way of adding a extra reproductive years to a primal male's short life. Girls mature a few years ahead of boys. Teenage boys are fertile, but usually too weedy to stand up to the adult males or - in primal times - to win an adult female's attention through dominance display.

Perhaps submission once translated as being very agreeable and compliant in the "hope" of mating a couple of times. The years would be a reproductive write-off anyway, so there would be no real cost to hanging around laying siege to a potential mate.

young male subs are often
drawn to angry young
That would explain why some men adopt vanilla submissive stances as teenagers, the classic being when a modern young man puts himself in the "friend zone" (a status almost always self inflicted by the man, by the way).

It would also explain how men acquire submissive fetishes - it's easy to imagine eroticising the experience of girls being justifiably mean to you (I certainly did), and that then becoming a fetish.

However, it does not explain how submission could be a life-long orientation identifiable in pre-sexual stages. Not all kids play at tying up!

Nor does it explain why young male subs are often drawn to angry young women.

Ultimately, what's left is that male submission is really good for pairing off with a female dominant!

Femdom roles seem innate in
some people.
If that's true, then primal proto-Femdom couples must have been at least as good as breeding as their vanilla peers.

Final thoughts

In the end, all this speculation is no more useful than any other parlor game.

It doesn't tell us how to do Femdom better, and all that's required for us to feel better about our orientations is the thought at the start of this blog entry: Femdom roles are probably innate in some people. 

Just because something is natural, doesn't mean it's good or compulsory. However, it does mean that it is a fact of life.

Since Femdom does no harm, it follows that we might as well relax and focus on how to enjoy it, rather than where it comes from.

Don't resign yourself to just getting off on other people's adventures! When we started out, my wife was vanilla. Use my manuals to help you walk the same Femdom path! There's one for him, and one for her

Tuesday, 26 May 2015

Ask Giles: I'm a sub (f) but I want to switch with my boyfriend

"He wants me to lead, and he wants
 to thoroughly please me...."
I'm starting an Ask Giles column, mostly posting -- with permission -- conversations I've had on reddit. 

A lady who normally identifies as a sub sent me a long question:
I'm in a bind, and I wonder if you would be kind enough to share some advice with me.
Essentially, I'm a very sexually submissive and service-oriented woman with a fair amount of experience in D/s relationships, and I'm now dating a man who is kinky but doesn't entirely identify with the bdsm scene.
He hasn't let me be completely submissive with him yet, but we're new, and sex for me is amazing with him regardless. He's recently told me he wants me to switch and be more dominant with him. He is a great lover, and he can switch to be just dominant enough for me (minimum), mostly when I ask for pain play or rough sex, but he's said he doesn't think he can be totally sexually satisfied without also, at least occasionally, me initiating for him to be submissive to me.
He wants me to lead, and he wants to thoroughly please me....
We met without knowing anything about each other's kinks until several dates in, and now we've been dating for a few months and finding a way to make this work has been a frequent conversation topic. The thought of us being fundamentally mismatched just because we both enjoy being submissive is really heartbreaking for me, and I want so badly to make him happy.
I love service, pain play, bondage, collars, rules & protocol, and I've been in 24/7 D/s relationships. I feel I'm so far to the extreme sub side of the submissive-dominant spectrum that it seems so far out of my element to be dominant in any sexual context.
In work and other social settings, I can delegate and take leadership roles when I need to get things done a certain way, though I don't prefer to.
I've been in enough scenes and seen enough dommes in action to have ideas of things I COULD do, but it is almost a turn-off for me to take/use power and control rather than to give it. Even receiving oral sex, which he loves to give, is hard for me to enjoy without feeling like I have too much control/privilege/attention unless I'm restrained or 'forced' to receive it.
I do love sex, I love the physical sensations of sex, I love physical attention and affection, and I do love being adored and cared for. It's just so easy to enjoy it as a submissive, and seems so hard to relax into it in any other role. I want to give him what he wants, and I feel like I don't know how to be or think or feel in a dominant role.
Can you give me any advice from your own experience to help me satisfy his need to switch? Any help would be appreciated.
Note how they met -- "We met without knowing anything about each other's kinks until several dates in" -- which is so common an experience, I'm starting to believe in kinkdar.
I responded:
I'd be very surprised if you can't find a way to make this work! Fetishes tend to be a bit random, but dynamic is inherent in the person, and you two people were together before discussing kink.
It sounds as if his urges are actually submissive rather than bottomish. He's not after particular play, so much as an experience of a particular dynamic.
If this is correct, you don't need to play dom or emulate the dominatrixes you've seen. He's not a scene person anyway. He will measure his experience against what he's previously done, not what he's seen on xtube. In fact, I wonder whether the best approach might be to take off your kinky hat and think just self-centered.

In my self help books I keep harking back to the concept of the Roman dominatrix. She isn't actually, kinky, she just happens to own a male slave, which lets her get her way. Don't think "dom", just think "in control".
It follows that you need to work on just being comfortable giving orders. Intellectually, you must know how mind-blowing it is for him to have his kink satisfied, so your block is at the gut-reaction level. I think you can get around this by initially emphasizing the service side of things. Forget erotic for an hour or so, and just get him cleaning your apartment, sorting your book collection, whatever, with you not domming him, just giving orders.
Another thought - an alternative, or something that might also help - is that you could try setting up experiences that pushed both your sets of buttons. For example, imagine if he was locked into a male chastity device - there are ways of making this a timed thing, outside both your control - and had a butt plug in (thus ticking the anal play box). Anything sensual you did to him would be at once a service to him and a torment, and one of the best ways of getting him close to orgasm would be by letting him go down on you.
I'll send you a copy of my Roman Dominatrix book. It's not quite what you're looking for because it assumes the lady reader is vanilla. However, you might find it's general thrust useful.
She responded:
I love your suggestions of removing myself from the idea that I need to "dom" for him to be satisfied and to begin with service-oriented submission. I have been bossy and self-centered in non-kink contexts before and it's a great idea to try it with him outside of the bedroom.
He will be traveling for work for the next few ways, so while I anticipate his return, I can be thinking about other creative ways of making sensual pleasure "at once a service to him and a torment," as you said so well.
I asked him to write out some short fantasies for me while he is away, and for me to do the same. I presented it as a way to tease each other, but I'm hoping to gain more insight from what he writes on the type of experience he would be looking for as a submissive.
Thank you again for your time. It really helped me to hear your perspective. :) I'll let you know how it goes.
I'll be interested to see how this one plays out...

Don't resign yourself to just getting off on other people's adventures! When we started out, my wife was vanilla. Use my manuals to help you walk the same Femdom path! There's one for him, and one for her

Monday, 25 May 2015

New cover for Roman Dominatrix

I'm upgrading my covers! Here's the next one:

Don't resign yourself to just getting off on other people's adventures! When we started out, my wife was vanilla. Use my manuals to help you walk the same Femdom path! There's one for him, and one for her

Thursday, 21 May 2015

Lifestyle Relationships: How to turn funishment into real punishment

 Over on Locked Men, a friend messaged me:
So you are in FLR, me too. But my problem is that my gf only spanks me for sexual pleasure and I want her to punish me too when I have been bad or done something stupid. Just a hard spanking so I can´t sit down for a few days and remember not to be bad again.... I want it to be punishment only, nothing I will like or want again. How to do?
His lady, it seems is quite happy to be in charge -- in another pm he told me that she already liked Femdom and FLR when they met -- but that spankings are only ever erotic, and he wants to live under discipline.
Our demerit counter!
The simplest answer is to just ask. 

However, he may get an immediate "No!", not because she is averse to punishing him, but because maintaining this kind of discipline is a nuisance.

Either she has to drop what she's doing and punish him -- annoying or impractical if she was busy doing something else and not in a Femdom headspace -- or else she has to remember that he did something wrong, which will just add to her irritation.

So rather than just ask for discipline, my friend would be better to suggest a specific discipline scheme. 

The one that works for us is to have a demerit counter; a clicker counter easily purchased off Amazon. Whenever I annoy Xena, she gives me a demerit. It's usually my responsibility to add it to the counter. The matter is then forgotten until it's punishment time

The demerits then have their own logic, and it's much easier for her to blame me for what she's doing to me. This is much better than her having to think back through one or more weeks and decide how good or bad I have been.

(Assuming he's not a physical masochist, he also needs to explain to her that although it excites him to live under the threat of a spanking, a serious spanking is something he's actually scared of, and that she won't be merely rewarding him for bad behavior. He should also encourage her to hit him hard enough to make him flinch. Possibly she needs to use an implement in order to save her hand.

Why punishment that we find sexy works to modify our behavior is another story.)

EDIT: Oh interesting. I got downvoted on Reddit AGAIN. If you do like this little article, please express your approval accordingly.

Don't resign yourself to just getting off on other people's adventures! When we started out, my wife was vanilla. Use my manuals to help you walk the same Femdom path! There's one for him, and one for her

Saturday, 16 May 2015

So do I need to write a new self help book?

Recent conversations have made me wonder about this.

In days gone by, a lot of forum postings were along the lines of, "Help! How do I introduce my vanilla wife to Femdom??" The Vanilla Dominatrix answers that question: carefully tailored baby steps.

Then posts like this turned up; "I've agreed to dominate my husband. OMG what do I do?" And that's what The Roman Dominatrix is for. It's all about empowering the female partner to get the most out of Femdom. It also plunges the couple straight in at the deep end of power exchange, then phases in the kink.

Now, however, things seemed to have changed. Women seem more open to Femdom, but expect their men to help shape the relationship. The questions now seem focused on making it work.


Don't resign yourself to just getting off on other people's adventures! When we started out, my wife was vanilla. Use my manuals to help you walk the same Femdom path! There's one for him, and one for her