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My once-vanilla wife now loves keeping me as her chaste slave. Learn how to get some Femdom in your life too!

Thursday, 11 February 2016

The ups and downs of Submissive as a sexual orientation

If it's not a sexual orientation, then sexual
submissive is as near as damn it to
one as to make no difference.
I was always a sexual submissive. Always interested in bondage and slavery. Always imagining myself as the one chained to a rock in Greek Tales or locked in the dungeon of the old castles we used to visit.

It was like growing up gay in pre-enlightened times, or in a modern conservative community.

I had no idea what I was.

Or at least no idea that what I was had a name.

All I knew was that it was dark and vaguely shameful and that it was My Secret. If people knew I got all hot and bothered over thoughts of being tied up... the world would end.

...a little awareness of kink seeped
 in from TV and movies
Teenage was not an improvement.

I was depressed through most of my teenage and it was never clear why. Looking back, I think it was because the right kind of relationship - a Femdom one - was missing from my life but all I was aware of was the absence and these dark masturbation fantasies that left me feeling guilty.

Then a little awareness of kink seeped in from TV and movies. I now knew what I was, but all submissives seemed to be middle aged businessmen who enjoyed visiting prostitutes for a spanking.

I still had My Secret, but now it was dirty and even more shameful. I tried to sideline it, to discount it as adolescent fantasies. That didn't help me find the right kind of relationship. Worse, I was paranoid about spending the night with a lover. What if I talked in my sleep? Gave away my secret?

Then I read a book called Joy of Sex. It told me fantasies were OK, and bondage games a nice couple game.

So I rebranded myself to myself as merely "kinky". It let me be open with lovers, got me tied up a lot, made me stop worrying about talking in my sleep.

 She might be one of those angry
spiky girls, she might be domineering,
or she might be actually naturally
However - and this is the big thing I've realised recently - I was always, always maintaining a Femdom Relationship track in the background.

I mean that there would always be some young woman to whom I was darkly attracted. She might be one of those angry spiky girls, she might be domineering, or she might be actually naturally dominant.

Sometimes I even dated her, but because I didn't know why I was doing what I was doing, I invariably screwed it up.

I gave off appallingly mixed messages.

Everything about my instinctive, natural, behaviour screamed "Dominate me" but I would fight the undertow of submission and growl, "Don't boss me around." This must have been awful for the girl on the receiving end; me inviting her to take charge then making her feel bad about it.

...botched it by wrapping it
up in fantasy
Then there was the kink.

I wanted to submit, but - again fighting the undertow (I call this sub panic) - I wanted to micromanage it and wrap it up in fantasy; Be my pirate queen, tie me up in this way and do that. And of course I was determined to keep it in the bedroom.

Then I met Xena and repeated the same pattern.

I was sporadically ceding control to her, then taking it away. Begging for kink, then making it too me-centred to interest her.

Meanwhile, I was still running the Femdom Relationship track in the background. I don't mean that I was hanging around other women. Rather that I shifted focus to trying to get her to take control of periods of time but botched it by wrapping it up in fantasy and demands that she service top.

...settled into female-focussed service that
worked for both of us
Thanks in part to Xena's strength of personality, it all came together by trial and error. After a couple of years, I shed the layer of fantasy around the kink and settled into female-focussed service that worked for both of us, especially when I discovered male chastity.

Once Xena really was being genuinely in charge in the bedroom, things were finally set up for longer Femdom adventures - though it took me way too much time to realise this.

Then one day we didn't come back from an adventure and here I am, two years on, still in a Female Led Relationship.

What had held us back - held me back - is that I didn't realise you could have a Female Led Relationship where she's in charge, but doesn't act like a dominatrix all the time.

So, here are the things I wish I'd known:

  • Male chastity turns everything into Femdom
  • Being tied up isn't the only type of submission Often it isn't really submission at all.
  • The best way to get her to dominate you is to really submit to her.
  • Most women will try Femdom as means to a sensual end.  
  • Female Led Relationships can look and feel pretty much like ordinary ones. You can often enter one just by saying, "I like it when you take the lead."

Learn how to how to walk the same Femdom path with your partner! 

Friday, 5 February 2016

Padlock or integrated lock for your male chastity device? Survey Results with surprising conclusions

Conventional padlock - rattles
and moves around.
I've been putting this question to the kinky half of the Internet! The threads are ongoing, but I think I can see a consensus emerge:

Results of Chastity Locking System Survey

Locked Men Dot Net 

As of right now, 10 responses (all male), all preferring integrated for security - impossible to cut off without damaging the device  - and aesthetics:
  • Looks nicer, 2
  • More secure, 3
  • More invisible (or quieter), 4
  • Doesn't wreck clothes like a padlock does, 2
  • Brass magic lockers more corrosion  resistant if you swim, 1
However two responders thought padlock might be better for long distance keyholding, and one liked the visual symbolism and rattle of the padlock.

Reddit Chastity Training

Holy Trainer 2 with integral locking
system - lacks symbolic impact but
more secure.
As of right now, 3 responses preferring integrated but mostly because padlocks shift around painfully and click. (Not actually an issue with my Custom Chastity design, by the way.)

One response preferred a padlock for symbolic reasons.


3 votes, all pro integrated.

Chastity Mansion

4 responses
  • Integrated for aesthetic reasons, 2
  • Liked the padlock for the symbolism 1
  • Pulled in both directions, 1

Chastity Forums

5 responses
  • Integral  because padlocks shift around and rattle, 4
  • Liked the padlock for the symbolism, 1


Custom Chastity captive padlock
system, best of both worlds?
The majority of male chastity device users prefer an integrated lock like that of the Holy Trainer 2!

However, surprisingly, this is for practical rather than aesthetic reasons. Primarily the padlock is disliked because it moves around causing discomfort and rattling. Presumably they would be equally satisfied by the Custom Chastity captive padlock system.

Meanwhile, though it is less secure - you can dremmel it without damaging the expensive device - the padlock is the preferred option for (a) those who enjoy its symbolism and (b) those in long distance keyholding relationships (as people can send each other padlocks).

Speaking both as a male chastity device user and an erotic novelist, I can see several obvious conclusions for chastity device manufacturers:

First, padlock devices:

  • Padlocks aren't going away because (a) symbolism, and (b) long distance keyholding.
  • You should probably work to design out the downsides of padlocks so people don't have to mess with rubber bands etc to stop the rattling and protect themselves and their underwear.
Second, integral locking devices
  • A core of users love the aesthetics, however practicality is still the paramount advantage.
  • The ideal device would actually have (a) a highly visible lock, which (b) could be closed securely before being locked so the keyholder would get to turn the key.
  • Useful add-ons could include noise makers and padlock points.

Frankly, I'm a little surprised. My own preference is for an utterly invisible lock so that my chastity device is more like a skin.

So, amongst perverts I find myself a pervert...

Learn how to how to walk the same Femdom path with your partner! 

Thursday, 4 February 2016

6 Things the Internet Gets Wrong About Female Led Relationships

I'm still feeling cross and a little horrified.

There is no standard
Female Led Relationship 
A friend sent me the link to a Female Led Relationship site which offered "training courses". It was amazingly wrong headed and almost designed to discourage normal couples from considering  a Female Led Relationship.

I googled around and found more of this rot. I can't decide whether it's all male fantasy fodder, but it's certainly not representative of what you see on real FLR forums like At Her Feet.

So here are some corrections...

We like chastity and
1. There is no standard Female Led Relationship.  There's no one right way to do an FLR because the "R" stands for relationship, and that's formed by both parties. Even in extreme cases where she dictates everything, the relationship is still defined by her preferences and what he will accept.

2. Female Led Relationships do not go through a standard progression. True, an FLR is a journey. However it's a journey together. More than one site describes the inevitable end point as her becoming a promiscuous "cougar" and him a hormone-popping chaste "cuck" who only gets access to her to clean up after a "bull". There's nothing wrong with people who want to live like that, but the reaction of most normal couples will be "Ewww!" Really, sites promoting this progression are mostly intended for masturbatory consumption.

Some FLR couples are entirely
kink free.
3. Most Female Relationships do not resemble 24/7 Femdom. OK, technically, if she's in charge, then it is "female dominant". However, it's not usually Femdom in the sense of  continuous protocol and erotic activity. Very few couples spend all their private time with, say, her in latex and him in a French maid's outfit.

4. Feminisation is not a standard part of a Female Led Relationship, nor is any other kink. The kink in a relationship depends on both partners. It can reflect shared preferences, or individual tolerance, or a trade off, but it rarely ticks all the porno boxes. We like chastity and discipline. Some couples are entirely kink free. Some like chastity with the honour system. Some like cross dressing. I know one couple where he is dominant in bed, but she decides whether or not to let him out of his chastity device.  I suspect that chastity and discipline are the most common elements, but the only certain sweeping statement is that an FLR is usually a Femdom friendly environment.

....not based on her feminine wiles
5. A Female Led Relationship is not based on her feminine wiles, nor her dominance, nor her ability to manipulate her man using sex.  This one really bugs me. Of course, all of this does go on in FLRs, but rarely all in the same FLR because - drum roll - it all depends on her leadership style. So the guy I read whining on about "why wouldn't she use flirtation to get her way?" Perhaps he married a modern assertive woman who wouldn't know the first thing about acting like a 1950s man eater. The whole point of an FLR is Female Leadership. A couple agree that she is in charge and - usually - pick tools she can use for quality control. If she needs to beat him or bully him or tease him just to get the dishes done, that's not FLR. He should be obeying her anyway.

If she needs to beat him or bully him
or tease him just to get the dishes done,
that's not FLR.
6. Submissive men are not weak, nor are all men fitted for Female Led Relationships. A lot of FLRs reek of domism, the idea that dommes are innately superior to subs. While it's true that FLR men welcome female leadership, they may in all other ways be competent and even alpha members of society! Submissive is an orientation. It says nothing about your other traits and skills. Similarly, other sites push a gynosupremacist line, that - since they are naturally inferior - all men should submit to all women. This is - frankly - mostly wank material, like the ranting captions people like to add to erotic pictures. Though implicit FLRs seem common in the couples I know, there are also couples where he calls the shots, and also - rarer - where they are peers right down the line.

Honestly, when most couples transition to a Female Led Relationship, the shape of their relationship hardly changes, it just works better and they do more Femdom...

Learn how to how to walk the same Femdom path with your partner! 

Monday, 1 February 2016

Why Implicit Female Led Relationships are bad for everybody involved

A vanilla submissive does things
 ‘when he feels like it’.
Dominant relationship and sex blogger Ferns talks about the problem with vanilla submissives versus D/s submissives:
A vanilla submissive does things ‘when he feels like it’. A non-vanilla submissive does things ‘when he feels like it, but even if he doesn’t because that’s what we agreed, so he will do it anyway and be happy that I used my authority to push him to do it’. (source)
To roughly summarize the post:
Ferns prefers a Female Led Relationship. She needs to know that she really is explicitly charge outside the bedroom, and that her partner experiences her authority as an expression of love. Otherwise he'll get bored, feel things are unfair then push back and ultimately leave.
I think this exactly mirrors the submissive male experience of  vanilla D/s relationships, ones where the dynamic is unacknowledged even if there is bedroom kink. I call these iFLRs (implicit Female Led Relationships).

 ...she does not respect us when
we submit
We subs easily drift into iFLRs especially when we're young because we have a strong drive to submit. We may also knowingly "stealth submit", ceding power to our partner without getting her buy-in. This also results in an iFLR.

Implicit Female Led Relationships are bad for everybody involved.

There's often a big ethical problem with iFLRs because we tend to submit to domineering women rather than dominant ones, meaning we latch onto a woman who has issues with the way she relates to other people - typical traits include selfish, narcissistic, spiteful, impulsive, lacking in empathy - and then enable her to go further down that road.

Essentially, we take somebody a bit crazy and nudge them into being even crazier because it pushes our buttons. Not very ethical.

There are still problems even if we do manage to find a genuinely dominant partner because we fail to negotiate an actual Female Led Relationship.

For a start, we can't trust her to remain dominant and to also respect us. She may at any moment demand we "man up", or try to goad us into a reaction. This can be because she reads our submission as passive aggression, or because she worries about being evil, or because she does not respect us when we submit. Conversely, she may need to justify the iFLR by disrespecting us - bad for the sex and the relationship as a whole. Either way, any bedroom Femdom may actually make matters worse.

All this is reason enough for subs in iFLRs to push back, even if we are kinky. Occasionally we will try to assert a more traditional masculinity, which means behaving like a dick - not something our partner will appreciate.

It's far, far better to have an explicit agreement so you
both know where you stand - or kneel
Finally, not acknowledging your FLR means you can't communicate about it. This leads to tense conversations in which she's trying to get her way without admitting being the dominant partner, and you're trying to submit without seeming to be a doormat. "What are you in the mood for?"/"What did you have in mind?"/"That depends..."  Worse, you can't set or negotiate limits, so she may second guess herself to the point of irritation.

So implicit Female Led Relationships are a minefield. It's far, far better to have an explicit agreement so you both know where you stand - or kneel - and can actually talk about it. That way you can skip to the bit where you both enjoy the domination and submission in the bedroom and in the rest of your life.

The chances are that if you are already in an iFLR with a dominant woman, you probably both know what's going on. You've probably even been stealth submitting.

Perhaps it's time to have an honest conversation?

Learn how to how to walk the Femdom path with your partner! 

Friday, 29 January 2016

The DickBit, or how a digital device will help male chastity go mainstream

Male chastity has a lot to
offer the mainstream...
Male chastity has a lot to offer the mainstream (article here), but can't really become mainstream until male chastity devices actually work as male chastity devices!

At the moment, unless you have a piercing, the chastity device only really stays on because it creates a self-amplifying submissive feedback loop. You can also easily defeat it using a vibrator.

People have tried lots of different designs, but none of them really prevent pullout while soft. Nor do any of them stop the wearer getting off by using a vibrator.

So we need something different.

How about, instead of prevention, working on deterrence?

Here's where a digital device would fix everything. I've called it the DickBit and I should be very surprised if nobody was working on won. (Please feel free to use this name if you are, but I'd love a review copy.)

The Basic DickBit Chastity Enforcer

Obviously, there'd be an option to
have erections set back the
release time.
The DickBit is a small digital device resembling a FitBit. It locks onto male chastity devices or is integrated with them. Depending on the model, it connects to other digital devices via mUSB, Bluetooth and WiFi.

The basic DickBit has the following:

  • Pulse Monitor - Detects pull out.
  • Vibration Monitor - Detects use of a vibrator.
  • Audio Alarm - Can be configured so that the monitors set it of. Various options include socially embarrassing messages or mood killing jingles. Only times out after an hour or so.
  • Visual Telltale - Triggered by the detectors. Red light winks until reset by keyholder.
  • Upload information to other devices for the keyholder.

This would meet the key requirements of all the typical vanilla uses for male chastity. The possibility of embarrassment would... encourage impulse control, so the device would work in the bedroom as a couple toy and also to prevent infidelity and private masturbation.

The upload feature would keep the key holder informed, making them feel reassured - if that's what they need - and acting as another layer of deterrent.

The Delux DickBit Chastity Enforcer

As an erotic novelist, I can think of some nice features I would add to a delux version:
  • Erection Monitor - Detects how hard you are. Possibly this could also detect ejaculation.
  • Settable Time Lock - This need not be a physical locking device; it could simply prevent the security features from deactivating. Obviously, there'd be an option to have erections set back the release time.
  • Micro Electric Shocker: Apparently this is now technically feasible. It could be set up so that the monitors trigger it.
  • Ink Bomb: A smaller version of what they use in retail. Pull-out triggers this one-use device, which sprays non-toxic indelible ink all over the wearer. If it could work reliably - false positives would be a problem! - then this would be very popular with self bondage enthusiasts, since for most practical purposes, they really would be stuck in their device until unlocked.

When is the DickBit Chastity Enforcer going to come?

It's feasible right now! The basic version would use components that already exist. 

It would still cost money to develop, though. So we have to wait until somebody thinks its worthwhile. Perhaps it'll be crowd funded like the Ambrosia Vibe ("world's first bionic strap-on that vibrates when touched").

Learn how to how to walk the same Femdom path with your partner! 

Tuesday, 26 January 2016

Can Real Life be Like Femdom Erotica?
I never write erotica on days I'm allowed to come.

I don't know how other writers do it, but if I can only manage about 30 mins of writing porn before I really need an orgasm. Once I've got off, then the erotica muse deserts me.

However, on chaste days - six days a week, seven at the moment - the frustration doesn't just keep me writing, it drags me into the story away from my comfort zone.

I'm not sure what my comfort zone is any more!

Generally my fantasies about real-world BDSM adventures divide into...

Doable Fantasies: Things I expect to do - like pegging and extended deep slavery - or have already done - bondage, whippings, being teased, long-term chastity and orgasm denial.

I'm amazed by how much of this stuff I've experienced in real life - I got whipped at the weekend and I wake up every morning in my Holy Trainer 2 chastity device.

Unrealistic Fantasies: Things I'm sure I'd like to do but will never get to.

Xena is straight, for example, so I don't think I'll ever serve two women. Even so, I'm fairly sure that - just like in the Enslaved by Posh Totty series I'm writing right now - I'd be very content to be a slave in a F/F household, as long as I could truly be a fly on the wall and possibly serve as a sex toy (also unrealistic for obvious reasons).

I'd probably also enjoy spending a really extended period - say more than a month - in deep slavery. However, I think Xena enjoys the normal parts of our relationship too much for this to happen.

Dream Fantasies: Things that take Doable and Unrealistic fantasies to their logical conclusion and beyond the point at which I would enjoy them. This can be as simple as permanent chastity, or as extreme as "real" slavery.

It's disturbing in an exciting way how many of my fantasies have moved up that list and spawned more extreme versions.

When I was young, being a slave for an evening was a Dream fantasy. I couldn't imagine, e.g., actually enjoying waiting around on my knees. When it turned out I enjoyed dipping into the reality, then it became Doable. However my fantasies about doing it for longer also become Doable, with extended slavery shifting to merely Unrealistic and permanent slavery became a more developed Dream fantasy.

In the same way, 24 hour male chastity also started as a Dream fantasy. Once I experienced a little overnight chastity, it became Doable and my more extreme Dream fantasy, 24/7 chastity, shifted to merely Unrealistic. And we know how that worked out...

So yes, reality can be like Femdom erotica.

Is there a way to tell which fantasies work in reality? I suspect it's to do with real world cost. But that's a blog post for another time.

Learn how to how to walk the same Femdom path with your partner! 

Sunday, 24 January 2016

How I lost 1 kg every month thanks to Femdom and Male Chastity!

Femdom works miracles if you treat
it as real.
Femdom works miracles if you treat it as real.

(Well actually, I think it is real as soon as it becomes about what she wants. BDSM has a culture of pretending it's a game, forgetting that some games, like soccer, are real.)

Xena rations and controls my orgasms. She also gives me demerits resulting in strokes of the whip - it's all in our Female Led Relationship Contract.

All this excites me, but the frustration is sometimes unbearable and the whipping is always painful enough to make me want to avoid it. So the discipline may be kinky, but it's real.

Also in our FLR contract is the following clause:
He will report any measurable professional or personal targets Xena might want to manage.
I'm overweight (much less overweight now than I was, but we'll get to that). I've tried various diet and exercise regimes, but the one that works is really simple:
Of course, Xena can lower my weight 
ceiling at any time... 
  • I weigh myself daily and record the result. Missing a weigh-in or increasing weight earns me a demerit.
  • Going over a ceiling set by Xena costs me a penalty day, meaning my weekly orgasm is put back.
  • Missing a monthly target also set by Xena results in dire punishment.
(EDIT: This is pretty much an enhanced version of the weight-loss system spelled out in this NHS article. See the first comment (below) for some sensible dietary advice from "HH".)

Doing this, I steadily lost one kilogramme a month through most of last year. Over Christmas, I managed to put on a kilogramme and a half. 

Needless to say, I haven't had an orgasm since before Christmas and I've been very very motivated to lose the weight again. 

I've succeeded, but not fast enough to stop the the penalty days from mounting up (the twist is that only weekdays count, so five penalty days earn me a week of chastity). 

So now I can't have an orgasm until early next month. This has concentrated my mind like nothing else and I'm back on track. 

Of course, Xena can lower my weight ceiling at any time... 

Learn how to how to walk the same Femdom path with your partner!