Consent in Roma: The Vanilla Dominatrix and Consent Culture

....the Vanilla Dominatrix isn't
interested in consent.

ShinyDiscard on Reddit remarked:

I've read previous articles from you but I find it hard to distinguish the consent in some of your writings.

I promised a follow up article, and this is it. 

(The tldr is; (a) All my consent is by necessity up front. (b) I don't mind putting up with bad things to get to the good things. (c) I'm a submissive, so the fact of putting up with bad things turns me on. (d) I have hard limits, but we never go anywhere near them.)

I don't talk a lot about consent because the Vanilla Dominatrix* isn't interested in consent.
*Generalizing here, your mileage may vary.

I mean, yes, she needs your consent. She's doesn't want to be evil for real, and the fact you consent is what gives her permission to explore being selfish and in charge.

However, she's vanilla -- doesn't identify as kinky -- and therefore has no motivation to make any mental effort in the erotic sphere where she would usually expect to relax.

Put her in charge? Fine.

Ask her to have long discussions about specifics, get affirmative consent for each and every action, or check in with you throughout whatever it is you get up to? Why should she bother?

She's not interested in the BDSM subculture, and therefore not interested in engaging with the complexities of Consent with a capital "C". This was all your idea after all!

This is less of a problem than it sounds. Let's back up a little bit. Why is consent so important in BDSM?

Ask Giles: How do I turn my vanilla man into a sexual submissive?

Look for two kinds of behavior your man exhibits
that you could extend into Femdom. 

Of course, I wouldn't: I'm a straight male and I'm monogamously married to Xena! However, it's interesting to think about because it makes us consider how submission works without the fetish.

So here's what I'd say to a female friend who wanted to turn her vanilla boyfriend or husband into a submissive. 

(The following assumes consent is given for each step of the way. Please also note that introducing Femdom to the wrong person can be playing with fire and potentially dangerous.) 

Look for two kinds of behavior your man exhibits that you could extend into Femdom. I call these "Femdom Windows":

Service Window: He likes doing stuff too or for you, e.g. if he likes giving you long massages followed by oral. Or pampering you for an evening.
Bottoming Window: He likes lying back and "letting" you do things to him, for example a blow job.

Use your instincts to pick the behavior you think you could most easily extend and work out what's in it for him. There are two broad kinds of incentive:

The Plateau Incentive: Men don't normally have much of a plateau phase. Assuming it doesn't switch him off, anything you can do to string out his orgasm will be addictive.
The Pornstar Incentive: Most men love it when women express sexual agency, by which I mean "act dirty", for example using  a sex toy or letting him use it on you, or dressing sexily, or just loudly expressing sexual pleasure.

Most men love it when women express sexual agency...

The precise incentive depends on the two of you, but it should be something he will enjoy for its own sake, but wouldn't normally get.

For example, in a Service Window, perhaps he gets to dress you in clothing that turns him on, then kneel and watch you masturbate.

In a Bottoming Window you might dress the same way, then string out his orgasm.

Make sure you know how to do the kink safely and successfully, then suggest it during the Femdom Window. Do this casually but sexily and focus on the activity itself: "Whenever you do this I imagine you're my slave and it gets me wet" or "If you let me tie you up I'll give you the blow job of your life".

Once you've done this once, do it again a week later. Keep doing it until you've got it perfect and he doesn't just suggest the activity, he pleads for it.

"Rub my feet, then I'll tie you up."

At this point, two factors should give the kink an increasing momentum:

Conditioning Factor: Men quickly learn to get aroused by things they associate with sex. It's where a lot of fetishes come from. By now he's starting to associate Femdom with being very turned on... :)
Femdom Factor: I'm almost sure that female dominant, male submissive is one of several sweet spots in human relationships. Kink aside, it's certainly a very easy and secure place to sit since everybody knows what to do and the sex is guilt free.

This is the point where you start adding things that you like. They can't be things that repulse or trigger him, but they can be things you like more than he does.

So if you're working on a Bottoming Window, you could make it conditional on him licking you, or get some service first; "Rub my feet, then I'll tie you up." If it's a Service Window, you could extend the service or start introducing discipline. Whatever you do, make sure it's sexy and uses at least one of the Incentives. If he's tidying the apartment, make sure there's a nice surprise waiting for him in the bedroom.

After that, it's rinse and repeat. Keep extending the Femdom Widow either spontaneously or in a planned way. Sooner or later, you'll evolve a dynamic that suits the both of you.

---

Why not introduce some Female Centered Femdom to your relationship?

Nice review of How to be a Roman Dominatrix!

It's short, so I'll quote it in full:

I found this a very good guide (for women) to introduce and develop a realistic and workable femdom/wife- girlfriend-led relationship. I recognised much of what was written in how my marital relationship has developed with my wife. It has taken many years to refine, but the advice and ideas in this book will save any couple who wish to embark on such a relationship a great deal of time by jumping straight to the point where it will ultimately end up!

People tend not to put up reviews of erotic manuals, so this is soul food for me!

---

Roman Dominatrix is the "For her" Femdom guide, but there's also a male one. Go take a look!

How we ended up in a Female Led Relationship Part 4: Conclusions

(I'm backtracking to work out how we ended up in a Female Led Relationship --  see part  1. )

So, now we're in a Female Led Relationship.

Not only does Xena set me chores and targets, I also anticipate them, and she hands out demerits and then beatings if I don't meet her expectations.

The bedroom phase of our evening starts with me kneeling in the corner awaiting orders, which she takes entirely for granted.

She gets a good foot rub and often a massage each night. At the weekend I sometimes get lucky and get to pleasure her. Sometimes things get more intense and there are whips and chains, and boots and stockings.

Meanwhile I'm in chastity.

I'm always in a device when practical and always for any intimate action. I haven't had an orgasm for over 100 days. When I am horny, I crave not a fuck or a chance to wank, but rather a chance to pleasure her and enjoy the reflected orgasm.

I don't know how I feel about all this.

Though I've fantasized about being a real life modern slave since my adolescence, part of the kick of the fantasy was its darkness. I certainly didn't imagine this is what my domestic life would look like in my late 40s!

I can't claim that this doesn't make me happy. Since my total surrender to Xena, we've both noticed that I am more relaxed, more focused.

Part of that is to do with personality. The roots of my submissive streak are existential, not erotic. Part of me wants to be controlled, to submit, to shrug off the burden of choice.

Mostly, though, it's a relationship thing.

When I'm not a sexual submissive
I am a raunchy, playful sex maniac.

When I'm not a sexual submissive I am a raunchy, playful sex maniac.

What I wanted -- and expected -- from marriage was to be like that couple in Local Hero, romantic with an infinite appetite for each other, always sloping off for a quicky. It turns out that for most of us, marriage doesn't work out that way. We end up spiraling towards the dead bedroom, occasionally clawing our way outward with tricks like new lingerie, experimental sex positions, and second honeymoons. The more the higher-desire partner pushes, the more the lower desire partner recoils. Throw in job loss and money worries, and what you have is a virtually sex free marriage.

Until the start of this year, I saw my role as keeper of our sex life. It was my job to read self help books and pester Xena into bed. It was stressful, unrewarding, and since it turned the sex into my thing, unfruitful. It's a lot easier to accept the inevitable and embrace chaste Femdom in the bedroom.

It's a similar story for the domesticity. As breadwinner, Xena feels cheated and let down if I don't hold up my side of the partnership by running our home to her standards. I have a simple choice between arguing about housework and feeling guilty all the time, or just doing as I am told.

Now we don't argue anymore and our sex
life is wildly erotic compared to the last
decade 

So, in short, I was making myself miserable trying to have an equal relationship with Xena when that simply wasn't available. Now we don't argue anymore and our sex life is wildly erotic compared to the last decade. So of course I'm happier than I was.

However, I can't stand on the outside to get a perspective on all this! Experiences shape us, immersive experiences do so at an alarming rate. Also, my new role pervades my entire life. I haven't had an orgasm since the beginning of our FLR.

Which leads me to another point. I cannot claim to have acted particularly wisely.

More than once I was driven by short term turn on when I nudged things in the direction of a Female Led Relationship. I didn't have to hand over my orgasms to Xena, and surely I must have seen where things would go when I suggested she demerit me outside of Femdom sessions. I also did most of my negotiating while chaste.

Was I following some primal instinct, or just a kinky fool risking his relationship? I have no way of knowing.

Finally, there's the question of how we ended up here. Though I've set out numbered stages, I am not sure the precise order really mattered. It's more like a perfect storm.

1. We developed a part-time Femdom dynamic that was pretty much a more intense version of an FLR.
2. In our vanilla relationship, circumstances shifted the power and control in Xena's direction. Supporting her and meeting her reasonable domestic expectations became indistinguishable from submitting to her. Maintaining boundaries caused friction. I had to choose between vanilla and Femdom.
3. Since, thanks to the Dead Bedroom, Femdom had long become our only mutually satisfying sexual outlet, it was better to give up on autonomy I did not have than to damage the precious intimacy with the woman I love.
4. Therefore, Female Led Relationship.

...ultimately, the economy made
me a slave.

However, the Dead Bedroom is partly a result of circumstances -- me losing my job, Xena worrying about money and so working long and hard and getting stressed. If I got a high-paying job tomorrow, hired domestic help and paid off our credit cards, we might well return to a romance-fuelled vigorous, if a little sporadic, vanilla sex life with a Femdom track just like before only better--you don't need to be in a FLR to enjoy Femdom!

So ultimately, the economy made me a slave.

I wouldn't suggest economic dependency as a strategy for a man seeking to turn his marriage to a Female Led Relationship. Rather than slip into dominating me, other wives would have left or cheated, or simply moved into the spare bedroom and retreated into a sexless life routine of work and TV.

However, if the idea of a Female Led Relationship makes you happy, then I think the best strategy is to develop a female-focused Femdom track to your relationship. Once you have that, then Vanilla to Femdom becomes a spectrum, not a gulf.

My books can help you introduce Female Centered Femdom to your relationship. It's much much more satisfying than just reading about it and yearning!

How we ended up in a Female Led Relationship Part 2: 360 Degree Trust

(I'm backtracking to work out how we ended up in a Female Led Relationship --  see part  1.)

Stage 5: Femdom Sabbaticals start (about a year ago)

About a year ago, there was a two-week hole in my diary; no contracts, not sporting engagements. Xena agreed that I could spend it as her slave, then more or less forgot (though interestingly she didn't notice that I had been submissive for two days running!) and needed reminded.

...my god it hurt

It was an interesting two weeks. I learned the uncomfortable truth that I really am a submissive, and we both enjoyed the lack of conflict and the tidy house. In other words, we had a sample of the FLR lifestyle and found it fitted us both beautifully.

It was also something of a shakedown cruise. I nearly ruined the whole thing by over-sharing and topping from the bottom, all things that put Xena off Femdom in the past. However (as we shall see) I learned my lesson, and Xena handled my failings within the Femdom context.

From then on, whenever a weekend or part of a weekend was clear, we'd make a sabbatical of it; me serving and going to sleep as her chaste slave, then serving the next day until whatever commitment our busy lives had lined up.

Stage 6: Real angry punishment and full 360 degree trust (about a year ago)

During that first sabbatical, I was bugging and demanding, and Xena's irritation mounted. However, rather than calling the whole thing off, she handed out demerits and then gave me my first genuine punishment. It really was a punishment, she really was angry, and my god it hurt.

Victorian-style thigh-high socks!

Apart from being incredibly hot to think about, and to serve in the shadow of, this was a watershed. I could trust her not to break role, even when I  genuinely made her angry.  She could trust me to be her slave, even when she dished out experiences I would rather avoid. Call it 360-degree trust.

Christmas boots

Stage 7: Xena takes ownership of the Femdom (just under five months ago)

We had a romantic weekend planned, and Xena declared she would "bring her Christmas boots", meaning the sexy knee-length boots she bought in the Christmas Sales, the ones she knew I wanted her to wear when she dommed me.

This was the first time ever she had spontaneously suggested something to make the Femdom sexier. The way was open for me to get her to help pick Victorian-style thigh-high socks and shop for sex toys.

Stage 8: Xena turns sadist

There followed a second entirely successful two-week sabbatical at home, then our "romantic" weekend. By the end of it, Xena had definitely started to embrace her sadistic side. (Ouch).

---

100% authentic, mutually enjoyable
 and reliable part-time Femdom

At this point we had finally arrived at 100% authentic, mutually enjoyable and reliable part-time Femdom, pretty much my Holy Grail.

True, the only "sex" we were having was Femdom sex.

However (a) at least we were having that -- many middle-aged couples just have a dead bedroom, and (b) this was supposed to be a temporary holding strategy.

We could have continued like this indefinitely. However, instead, we toppled over into a Female Led Relationship. I think this was almost entirely because of our particular personalities, and our respective work situations. However, it will take some more thought to untangle.

(See Part 3)

Don't just read about other people enjoying Femdom! Why not introduce some Female Centered Femdom to your relationship?

Top and also Dominatrix? Why this matters if your partner is vanilla...

Top

I just had an interesting discussion over on Reddit that hinged on the distinction between "Topping" and "Dominating".

Of course definitions are not set in stone, but "Topping" tends to refer to activities that are the BDSM equivalent of lovemaking.

Rather than bringing her partner to the peak of ecstasy through her pelvic muscles and oral technique, the Top renders him a quivering wreck or pleading cum-monkey, depending on her objectives. Just as in love-making, the reactions of the partner - the "Bottom" - shape the actions of the Top. This often-negotiated experience is interactive, a conversation in pain and groans, and is known as a Scene.

Sadist

The Dominant, however, is simply the person in charge in BDSM relationship, whether it be part-time, permanent or a fleeting hook up. The Dominant does not need to top, may never feel like it.

In the real-world BDSM club culture, I doubt this distinction matters because public play is all about Scenes, i.e. Topping and Bottoming.

However, this is a critical distinction where the BDSM is part of an actual Domination and Submission relationship. It just doesn't work if the ostensible sub is really after specific scripted experiences... the "do me sub" who tops from the bottom.

Ice Queen

This distinction is even more critical if your dominatrix (or dom but I'm a male sub) is "vanilla".

If you're read my Getting her to be a vanilla dominatrix,  then you will have encountered my PIRI modes.

They're just a way of mapping the moods of your partner. This is not a manipulative technique so much as a systematic reality check, something male subs seem to need:

Goddess

There's nothing magical about this. People - your partner included - have four possible ways of relating with other people and their environment:

• Interact: Talking, playing, making love. Interacting with the people around her.
• Project: Bossing, managing, creating, expressing, discoursing, lecturing, playing music. Giving a blow job. Projecting herself on the people around her.
• Resonate: Listening, basking in adulation, watching, absorbing. Receiving cunnilingus. Resonating to the people around her.
• Ignore: Getting on with things in her own space. Masturbating. Ignoring the people around her. 

Obviously, different sorts of BDSM activities. Her are some typical BDSM archetypes for each mode:

• Top: Engages with your experience in order to toy with you.
• Sadist: "Forces" an experience on you. (NB most BDSM folk would count a sadist as a kind of top.)
• Goddess: Basks in your adulation. 
• Ice Queen: Gets what she wants. Doesn't care what you think.

Well and good, but think about how her energy levels dictate her PIRI Mode. Everybody is different, and each person has their own prohibitions and injunctions - which is why you need to read my book! - but two typical personality types are are "introvert" and "extrovert".

Here's how Introverts and Extroverts pass through the PIRI Modes as their energy levels diminish - not just in BDSM, but in real life too:

• Extrovert begins in Interact. Paying attention to other people requires effort so as she becomes tired, she drifts into Project and stops listening to other people. Finally, when exhausted, she enters Ignore.
• Introvert also begins in Interact. However, she finds exposing herself to be exhausting, so as she fatigues, she drifts into a passive Resonate, before shutting down in Ignore. 

Ignore Mode

Now we can see the problem with Topping! 

For both Introvert and Extrovert, the interactivity of true Topping is tiring. She has to really want to do it before it's worth the effort. 

Energy wise, it's much easier to - respectively - slip into being worshiped or making the sub suffer in the manner of her choosing, and even easier for both to switch off and enjoy being served in Ignore Mode.

There's more, of course. It's generally easier to persuade somebody to be selfish than cruel. However, even if you can get past self image and moral qualms, in the long run, it will be energy levels that determine what kind of Femdom you enjoy as a couple.

For help in introducing your vanilla wife or girlfriend to Femdom, try my BDSM self-help guides....

Sabbatical in Slave Land - Trust

"What are you doing this evening?" asks my wife just before she goes out with the girls.

"Well," I say, "Since I'm being 'compliant husband', I thought I would work through those chores."

"Oh!" She laughs. "I hadn't realized."

I wave my hand at here. I'm wearing a discrete wrist band. "Remember? We talked about this."

Compliant Husband

"Ah. I was thinking that the wristband was supposed to mean something."

Now it's my turn to laugh. "I've been 'compliant husband' all day yesterday and today! Are you saying you couldn't tell the difference?"

"Well I was feeling well looked after..."

* * *

We're at the start of what in my How to be a Roman Dominatrix book I call a "sabbatical".

I'm on the beach  at home for a couple of weeks and she's working weekdays only and not on call. A while back she agreed I could be her "compliant husband" during this golden window.

Compliant Husband is our low key mode. I'm not much different from a submissive old fashioned housewife except for the chastity device, the demerit counter, and the possibility of darker slave/mistress sessions. I'm myself, but I don't argue with her and I do chores to her satisfaction. Pretty much time-limited FLR.

We also agreed in general I would flag my chaste compliant status with a wristband; this gives her a "take it or leave it" choice without having to actually say "no".

But she's forgotten everything!

* * *

I mentally squirm because this is not a moment for talking about erotic things. I'm scared of rejection, scared of losing the Femdom. But we're not talking about sex or fetish here, just service so I stick to my guns.

"So, what do you want me to do?" I ask - a nice neutral question that could let her terminate the experience if she wants.

"Oh well. Give the bedroom a proper clean - dust and vacuum. And there's a wash that needs to go on..."

She comes back later, tired and full of food;  she has work tomorrow and no kind of sex is on the menu tonight. I give her a foot rub which turns me on horribly, but just makes her ready to sleep.

I don't pester. The point of being a compliant husband is that I comply! So soon we're sitting up in bed reading.

"What are you going to do tomorrow?" she asks.

"I'm trying to decide..." I say, an open answer to an open question.

"Do the kitchen," she says, "I proper deep clean."

"OK," I say.

"And leave that thing of yours on."

"OK. That way you'll get better service in the morning."

"That's what I was thinking." She gives me a cat like expression. "And in the evening." She kisses me. "Good night."

My penis rears up inside its cage and I'm still hard when I come back from tossing the key in bushes outside our front door. She, however, is asleep.

* * *

People talk about "trust" in D&S. In our kind of relationship, the most important trust is the one she has in me: she trusts me not to presume or pester, to really be a compliant husband or slave. (The fabulous Ferns says something similar.)

There may, or may not, be wilder BDSM later this week. If it happens, it'll be all the more intense for several days of chastity on my part.

And the house will be clean and tidy.

For spicing up your sex life with some time limited FLR, see my Femdom self-help guides....

Part-time Femdom can be darker than FLR

Wife Led Marriages, FLR or 24/7/365 Femdom... I'm not personally a fan. But some people do want to replicate a reversal of old-fashioned marriage. The snag is that doing this doesn't automatically dish up a dose of unfettered Femdom. Here's Kathy at Femdom101:

There is a huge difference between the role of a dominatrix and the role of a mistress wife. For one thing a mistress wife generally cares about her husband, and wants him to have a life that is pleasing and worthwhile. Yes, she will expect obedience. Yes, she will assign her husband chores, and from time to time there will be punishment. However, there is no wife that I know of who has an all encompassing desire to work her husband to death or to make his life miserable. If anything, the mistress wife adopted femdom out of a need to be the best wife she could be for her man.

In other words, the Female Led Relationship has to be sustainable 24/7 practically, morally and emotionally. So, when a typical life-style sub looks at his partner, he sees somebody who basically cares about him.

Why a part-time Femdom relationship can go deeper and darker

Now a part-time Femdom relationship with your partner (of the kind I describe in my two femdom manuals) is a bit different.

It's still authentic - she's still in charge doing as she pleases in a space where her vanilla tastes and your fantasies intersect. However, it only has to be sustainable for a few hours or days at a time. This means there's no need for her to square the moral circle. She can do all the nurturing and caring whens he's being a wife or girlfriend. Right now, beyond physical safety, she is under no obligation to give a damn about your experience; slavery is an evil institution, and when she's enjoying it she's being evil or at least amoral.

The Femdom relationship has no reality outside this dark place. So, when a part-time sub looks at his part-time mistress, he sees only somebody to be feared or worshipped.

Can a "wife mistress" also be a Roman Dominatrix?

Actually, yes. The trick would be to establish a distinct mood or mode to distinguish the dark parts from the day-to-day female led relationship.

For more on being a Roman Dominatrix, try my book!

As many flavours of femdom as there are couples...

If he's wearing a chastity belt, then it's
still Femdom!

There's a nice reminder on Robert Anthony's blog that there are as many flavours of femdom as there are couples.

He and his wife have an ongoing chastity "game" - she decides when he gets to come and sometimes enjoys teasing and denying him. However - as far as I can gather - that's it. No whips and chains, no domestic service, not really any cringing either. He's not even in a chastity belt! Yes, the chastity - as he reports it, and I tend to believe him - works entirely on the honour system.

That's a lesson it's worth holding in the mind. You don't have to get your Femdom off the shelf, there's no one size fits all.

In fact, your fantasies are probably less important than the power exchange - the raw Femdom.

Don't believe me? Rewind a little.

Before you had relationships, and before you settled down, you probably had all sorts of ideas about the kind of relationship you would have.
And then, when you you fell in love for real, did much of that come true? I'll bet, not.

It takes both parties to build a relationship. The end result is bound to be different from the preconceptions each party brought with them. Some old ideas just don't fit, and some new ideas turn out to hit the spot.

The same goes for a Femdom slave-mistress relationship.

If she's being a dominatrix for her own pleasure, and not just "service topping", then her preferences just aren't going to be a perfect counterpart for yours, not least because some kinks require far more in effort  than she could possibly get out in pleasure.

Even if you feed in ideas... even if she treats your kinks as a kind of menu and adds none of her own... the end result is going to be hers, not yours.

If you've read my book on how to turn your wife or girlfriend into a dominatrix, then you'll know that I  don't think that's a bad thing.

There's a deliciously dark terror in submitting, really submitting, in letting go and becoming a real slave, albeit for an evening or a weekend.

Vintage picture captures the Vanilla Dominatrix dynamic

This picture from 1897 perfectly captures the Vanilla Dominatrix dynamic.

Of course it's supposed to be a satire, or a dire warning; the couple have exchanged traditional roles.

However, it's easy to imagine that he's her slave, perhaps with a chastity belt under his trousers. Right now he's doing the chores and she's interrupting him to get her shoe polished.

After that, she'll haul down her britches and demand oral sex. He'll meekly obey. Then she'll go off to enjoy her bicycle ride, and he'll get back to work, frustrated and turned on.

From her point of view, everything is comfortable and satisfying in a vanilla way - who doesn't like the housework done and an orgasm on demand?

From his point of view... :)