12 Rules for Malesub Life

1. Never remove your invisible collar

Your invisible collar

If you collar your submission, if you own it, then you can control it or at least know when it's subverting you.

Most of the worse sins of malesubs result from flip flopping between abject submission and total rejection of submission. Most of our worst relationship foul-ups result from being in deep denial that we are in fact submissives.

Wear your mental collar to remind you that you are never not a sub.

2. But be your own protector

Ultimately you are the one responsible for yourself and your own happiness. It's OK to be careful where you give your submission, and to withdraw it when a relationship makes you unhappy.

3. Get on your knees

It's the simple dynamic that matters

Accept that it's the simple dynamic that matters, not the masturbation fantasies and fetishes we develop. Don't over think or over ask.

4. And bravely do it for real

All the fantasy play, complex negotiations, and scene jargon? The prominence of dominatrix culture where all is simulation and the intensity adapts to you like a video game?

They're all ways to walk around the elephant in the room: the starkness of the urge to submit and the urge to dominate. Of course you need the communication and the consent, but they are mere safety lines that free you to plunge into the delicious darkness.

5. Submit by offering her the tools to get what she wants

What she wants

Whoever she is, she has her own motivations and desires. You can submit more ethically, more sustainable by submitting to those. However, remember the bit about being your own protector?

There's nothing wrong with doing this by offering her your kinks as tools to get what she wants, as long as they make some kind of sense.

She is unlikely to want some of the things you spin as a "service", but she may be happy to use them to get other things.

6. And revel in the resulting asymmetry

 Not everything she wants will turn her on.

If you're being used for real, wallow in the authenticity of your submission, but do not complain that she does not reciprocate your excitement. Not everything she wants will turn her on. Not everything that gets her off will get you hard.

7. Make yourself worthy

Begin your submission well before you meet her. Get fit. Attend to your personal grooming. Learn to dress yourself. You are not a loser, and positioning yourself as such may feel submissive, but it's not attractive.

While we are at it, learn to do the services you'd like to offer. Know how to truly clean a room, make a meal, massage a back and serve at table. And the kinks. With notable exceptions, most women aren't gearheads or bondage geeks. You need to know how to make complex kinks work, and test any equipment well beyond what you'll ever ask for.

8. Embrace the vanilla

The root of all kinky action is vanilla. 

All long term kinky relationships have to at least survive in the vanilla world, meaning you need to be good enough at vanilla life in order to be able to make and keep commitments. Most real long term kinky relationships are also vanilla ones, meaning you need vanilla as well as kinky relationship skills.

The root of all kinky action is vanilla. Tease and deny is just weaponised flirting. Corporal punishment is just amplified power play, or one-sided martial arts. A chastity device is a penis wedding ring. Service is service.

This means that you can find new kink in your partner's vanilla tastes and that - happily - even if she isn't a fetishist, she may well enjoy what kink has to offer.

It also means that you can find kink in vanilla places.

9. Seek kink with brave honesty

When you ask for kink, actually ask for it. Don't hide your desires until the relationship is established - that's bait and switch; immoral but also foolish. Just as men have no leg to stand on complaining when they end up in the friend zone, malesubs have only themselves to blame if we end up in the vanilla zone.

10. Wander humbly, don't be a pilgrim or a thrill seeker

It's tempting to orbit around a dominant
woman being an enabler

Kink isn't a quest to get to a certain goal. Have the humility to accept that you won't know whether you truly want something until you experience it. You can only escalate so far before you become dangerous to yourself and others. At some point you need to settle into wandering around your kinky comfort zone.

11. Don't be a vanilla enabler or a pushy sub

It's tempting to orbit a dominant woman being an enabler, blindly supporting her, encouraging her to drift further and further from acceptable real world behaviour. You may tell yourself it's a form of submission, but really it's exploitation.

And in kink, especially with an inexperienced domme, it's sometimes easy through pushiness to nudge her into a service topping relationship... for a while before she dumps you or the femdom goes away. Don't do this.

12. Enjoy the other stuff in life

It's not all about kink. Just because you are kinky doesn't mean your life has to revolve around it. Get out and enjoy the world.

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Ask Giles: Do you have any advice for a Domme coming into her own?

What started me - and so, us - on this road was a
particular Ancient Roman fresco from Pompeii

Somebody PM'd me:

I was looking into some of your other blog posts and found them very interesting. It seemed like a long process to get where you are in your relationship.

I have always been an intimidating lady. I like to be the Head Bitch in Charge in all aspects of my life. However I struggle with wanting to make sure my partners needs are fulfilled as well. In the past this turns me into a more timid person, which leads to problems in the relationship, which leads to loss of interest and eventual break up.

As I have been discovering BDSM, kink, and female lead relationships I have realized that this is what I want from a partner and life.

As a sub in your situation(you mentioned in your blog being a "couple first") who had to help his Mistress take a leading role, do you have any advice or tips for a Domme coming into her own?

We're talking relationships here, rather than how to find your place in the BDSM Scene (which is not our thing).

Well obviously, I have my book How to be a Roman Dominatrix which assumes a vanilla female reader. If you are kinky, the transition should be easier but the some of the underlying challenges remain the same.

You do things entirely for your own benefit. Your sub 

agrees to take the rough with the smooth.

What started me - and so, us - on this road was a particular Ancient Roman fresco from Pompeii (see above).

Since he's dressed and she is not, it's reasonable to interpret this as a male slave servicing his owner.

What's interesting about this is that she is just getting what she wants with no sense of fetish or BDSM, and yet if a modern male submissive with a time machine parachuted into the slave's role, it would tick a whole load of kink boxes: objectification, tease and denial, CMNF, service...

So the lesson is that an awful lot of male submissive satisfaction can be generated as a by-product of a super-empowered woman just getting vanilla things she wants.

If she also wants her own kinks, that's a bonus. However what matters, what lends spice to the submissive's experience, is that she has real authority in the relationship. When she's doing kink, he knows that's what she wants and that knowledge itself is a turn on. When he's bored, frustrated or uncomfortable, then he knows that it's because she's in charge, which is also an intense turn on.

Of course this only works if he 

really is a sub..

My advice, then, is pretty much what's in my books. Agree to a set period - a month, initially, is good - in which...

• You do things entirely for your own benefit.
• Your sub agrees to take the rough with the smooth (unless you hit a hard limit).

This will get you both into the habit of female authority as the default (rather than dominance, which requires effort). It will also establish whether this is something you both enjoy, and give you confidence that your sub really is enjoying himself.

It's important for it to be for a set period because otherwise both of you will keep revisiting the decision as to whether to carry on another day or evening when instead you should be reaching an accommodation with your roles.

If you intend to take this out of the bedroom, then I think task lists and some kind of discipline system is a good idea. Not only does this establish female authority, but it is also one of the major benefits of FLR for a man; we know where we stand, we don't get nagged, we do get to atone for our failings.

However, the other advice for doing FLR outside the bedroom is to avoid lots of protocol and to mostly be a couple first where however it's OK for her to get her way and state her preferences.

I think of this as the reverse of an old fashioned marriage. We can argue. We can discuss things. However, Xena has the underlying authority.

Of course this only works if he really is a sub, rather than a bottom who uses submissive fantasies to give some context to his kinks. There's nothing wrong with just being a bottom, but it's important not to confuse the two.

I hope that helps!

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Don't resign yourself to just getting off on other people's adventures! When we started out, my wife was vanilla. Use my manuals to help you walk the same Femdom path! There's one for him, and one for her. 

So do I need to write a new self help book?

Recent conversations have made me wonder about this.

In days gone by, a lot of forum postings were along the lines of, "Help! How do I introduce my vanilla wife to Femdom??" The Vanilla Dominatrix answers that question: carefully tailored baby steps.

Then posts like this turned up; "I've agreed to dominate my husband. OMG what do I do?" And that's what The Roman Dominatrix is for. It's all about empowering the female partner to get the most out of Femdom. It also plunges the couple straight in at the deep end of power exchange, then phases in the kink.

Now, however, things seemed to have changed. Women seem more open to Femdom, but expect their men to help shape the relationship. The questions now seem focused on making it work.

Hmmm.

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Don't resign yourself to just getting off on other people's adventures! When we started out, my wife was vanilla. Use my manuals to help you walk the same Femdom path! There's one for him, and one for her.