Tuesday, 23 August 2016

New covers for my Femdom self help books!

 Femdom need not be trashy!
A little while back, I updated the covers for both my Femdom self help books!

I like the trashy retro paperback look I developed for my erotica. Sometimes, it's good to be old fashioned.

However, the look just didn't quite suit the self help books.

How to be a Roman Dominatrix needed... deserved to look  a bit classier. I wanted to project the idea that Femdom need not be trashy; that you could do it in an elegant and feminine way and your sub would still be happy.
In the end, it's the dynamic that matters 

Getting her to be your Vanilla Dominatrix... well I wanted to make the point that a dominatrix can look normal.

OK, the model isn't quite girl next door. However, she's not made up like a porn star either. Nor is she wearing fetish clothing.

You can be kinky sexy without latex or wet look leather!

In the end, it's the dynamic that matters, which is what both books are about; dropping the preconceptions and doing wild Femdom for real.

Learn how to how to walk the same Femdom path with your partner! 

CLICK HERE to download my Femdom Erotica (all written while chaste!)
(For ebook format, 
Lulu or iTunes.)

Thursday, 18 August 2016

Consent isn't magic because submission is addictive

The vulnerable position of submissives means that consent
is simply not a magic spell that makes everything moral and OK.
I got 45 lashes last night.

Xena was wielding our new fibreglass cane and it hurt.

Each stroke hurt all on its own in its own right.

I'd wanted the whipping, deserved the whipping what with racked up demerits. It also turned me on almost painfully (bringing with it the knowledge that I have no chance of an orgasm any time soon). However, by the end of it, I just wanted it to stop.

I could have spat out my gag, said the safe word (well what approximates to it; "Xena Jesus that hurts please stop!"), but I didn't.

That wasn't a conscious choice; withdrawing consent was simply unthinkable.

I don't mean unthinkable in some porno-Femdom captioning BS way with caps, as in, "Disobeying Her, My Goddess was Unthinkable."

I mean safe-wording out just wasn't part of my frame of reference. Even if I were bleeding or badly cramped, or having breathing difficulties, those could all be handled within the D/s framework. There's no practical reason for breaking role.

I am addicted to submission and I like it that way.

I am addicted because of two issues -- or are they features? -- with being a submissive, rather than a bottom, or somebody who enjoys acting on submissive fantasies.

The first issue is that I am submissive.

We already had a vanilla domination
and submission dynamic.
We already had a vanilla domination and submission dynamic. Xena has always been the designated grown-up in the relationship. (A lot of non-kinky couples are like us: one partner naturally ends up in the leadership role and the other happily and actively facilitates this.) So I would tend to want to do what Xena wants, even if it didn't suit me, especially if it didn't suit me.

Now our FLR is explicit, everything about being our lifestyle reinforces this kinkier submission.

Just repeatedly acting out a role makes it functionally real over time, and we've been doing this for over two years. Even at the beginning we weren't acting anyway. The D/s worked best when it related to real things, like real domestic service and real orgasm denial that went on for days and months.

Then there's this thing that as a submissive I like to be "forced" into things I don't like -- this is where submission shades over into masochism. So I have no real will to resist things that take me out of my comfort zone.

Worse, looking back on last night's beating turns me on. Anticipating the next one is even more exciting. The more I don't enjoy it, the more satisfying the prospect and the resulting memory, and the less will I have to resist it.

I am so glad I did not safe-word.

The second issue is that I am in a poor negotiating position. 

 ...if I burst the kinky bubble, the
kink might go away for good!

On some level I've wanted this kind of relationship for my entire life. Xena, however, came to Femdom through me. She seems to be really happy in charge, and takes pleasure in the BDSM, but I know (she thinks) she could live without it.

It follows that if I burst the kinky bubble, the kink might go away for good!

This is not blackmail on Xena's part, it's just a relationship fact. If I make her feel awkward about being dominant, she won't feel like going to that place. Withdrawing consent might come at the price of her withdrawing consent forever.

Thus I am trapped in submission by my own submissive needs... which of course is a satisfying place to be.
The more I submit, the worse I suffer, the more submissive I become, the more I need the D/s relationship, the worse my negotiating position, the more trapped I am, the more submissive I feel...
(And yes, that might read better with some "tiddly-poms".)

The upshot is, though I consent to all of this, that consent doesn't mean very much. As long as we stay within the kind of sharp-edged hard limits that are enforced by lawyers or law enforcement and repaired by therapists and hospitals, my response is always going to be "Yes, mistress," or , "If that's what you want, Xena."

Really, I'm at her mercy.
That's a hell of a lot of leeway.

Really, I'm at her mercy.

If she chose to, Xena could make me suffer well beyond what would be remotely erotic.

Last night she could have whipped me until I was weeping and I would have accepted it as my lot. The other week when we were doing deep slavery, she could have made me sleep in my cell overnight then gone to work leaving me hungry (but with water) for the day.

The effect would have been the same. I would have accepted the suffering as my lot. It would have reinforced my submission. The memory would turn me on, as would the thrill of fear in anticipation of the next time.

What if Xena wanted something more extreme?

Nobody's cutting my balls off or feeding me hormones -- and she wouldn't want to. But what about a pierced penis? Or a permanent brand? Could I say no?

I would want to say no, but I would be aware of my poor negotiating position and I would consent in order to preserve the kink. The worst of it is that that lack of power would turn me on.

I don't want to be "cuckolded by a bull".
But what about another women?
Then there's relationship stuff.

Xena enjoys my company and doesn't seem to want to call up slave mode that often. But what if work became more draining? She could reduce me to a full slave for months on end and I would be unable to resist. The bleakness, the suffering and, frankly, boredom would trap me in a state of deep submission.

No I don't want to be "cuckolded by a bull". But what about another women?

Xena isn't bi as far as I know, but what if that changed? Yes of course I like the idea of serving more than one woman, or of watching. But what if she decided she just wanted to date another woman without me present?

I'd be trapped in the same loop.

And I'd give my consent. And that would turn me on.

And if she decided to push me, I have no idea how far I would go down into the darkness.

The moral responsibility rests with
the dominant.
All this means that negotiation and communication -- those shibboleths of BDSM culture -- don't really apply. 

Xena can't meaningfully negotiate for something she wants because my submissiveness and the power imbalance work together to make me consent to anything that won't destroy one or both of us.

Where's the moral responsibility?

In D/s relationships like this -- which are not unique -- the dominant partner is the only person who can really put the brakes on.

Unfair though this is, that means that regardless of the consent given by the submissive, the moral responsibility ultimately rests with the dominant.

Sorry! The vulnerable position of submissives means that consent is simply not a magic spell that makes everything moral and OK.

The take home for submissives is not just, "Careful what you wish for!" It's also, "Careful who you give yourself to!"

Learn how to how to walk the same Femdom path with your partner! 

CLICK HERE to download my Femdom Erotica (all written while chaste!)
(For ebook format, 
Lulu or iTunes.)

Monday, 15 August 2016

Is Angry Femdom a Feminist Issue?

It came up again today on Reddit: Is it OK for a dominant to administer a whipping in anger?

In the particular case, it was probably a bad idea.

However, one of the replies summed up the BDSM "establishment view" and went a bit like this:
Whipping in anger is wrong because you are out of control, and showing lack of respect and compassion for the other person. All this makes it abusive.
The implication is that you can only whip somebody if you are dispassionate, respectful and nurturing, in other words, a service top.

This is bollocks disingenuous.

What's happening is that dominants want to think of themselves as good people, and submissives don't want to think of themselves as losers.

Kinksters want the experience, but they want to pretend it's not real, as if the monkey brain that turns us on has a grasp of context and ethics.

Service topping is OK, but there are only three authentic dominant motivations for hurting a submissive (as opposed to scratching their masochistic itch from a position of power):

  • Instrumental: To get what you want, usually by punishing non- compliance or failure.
  • Anger: Because you feel angry with them or with what they are.
  • Sadism: Because it gives you pleasure to inflict pain.

  • None of these is a nice motivation. That's the point. This is the dark side.

    Despite the service assumption, sadism seems acceptable in most real world BDSM circles. However, can you be truly sure that your sadism is not tainted by... gasp... anger?

    Can you be truly sure that your 
    sadism is not tainted by... 
    gasp... anger? 

    Also, though there is debate about its efficacy, lifestyle BDSM people also use whippings as punishment. How can they be sure that their instrumental motivation is not mingled with irritation?

    And is sadism really any safer than anger?

    Aren't you actually more likely to get carried away if inflicting pain makes the blood rush from your brain to your genitals than if you are merely venting your anger, given that anger spends itself?

    Oh dear!

    The possibility of committing a thought crime! Better to attend a workshop on consent or do BDSM online than wield a whip if your motivations are not guaranteed 100% pure.

    Your pardon if as a submissive this service culture leaves me cold.

    I want to actually submit, not pretend-have-you-bean-a-naughty-boy submit.

    I like it when Xena wields the whip in anger. It's not just the thrill of genuine fear, it's also the reassurance that our D/s relationship won't just fall apart when things go wrong between us.

    And, if service top is the gold standard, what of dominants who have the urge to actually dominate with whip and flogger?

    Homing in on Femdom, I think there's a feminist issue emerging:

    Just as the Sexual Revolution mostly "freed" sexually active women to act like unpaid prostitutes, is the modern Kink Revolution in danger of "empowering" dominant women to act like unpaid pro-dommes?*
    *Not of course that there's anything wrong with sex workers! 

    Learn how to how to walk the same Femdom path with your partner! 

    CLICK HERE to download my Femdom Erotica (all written while chaste!)
    (For ebook format, 
    Lulu or iTunes.)