How to tell which BDSM fantasies are OK to do in real life

Whips from Fred Norman

The other night, Xena merrily beat the hell out of me with  a selection of whips that Fred Norman sent us, including one he'd thoughtfully marked, "Xena use with love."

It hurt like hell.

I was yelping, groaning, straining.

However, I couldn't get away. I was strapped into a bondage bar. I couldn't get free if I wanted to.

I could have, in theory, used a safe word. However, that's not really in my mindset.

So I was to all intents and purposes utterly at Xena's mercy while she actually punished me for actual things that made her actually cross.

Oh and I was also locked into a chastity device, with no prospect of an orgasm for at least a few days.

Xena merrily beat the hell out of me 

So real punishment. Real denial. Fifty lashes that left me shaking, just short of weeping, and deliciously terrified of my wife, and still in need of an orgasm.

It turns me on just writing about it. However, the experience was so painful that I'm scared of the next time - which is perfect, because it was supposed to be punishment. Oh and living under the threat of such harsh treatment is both psychologically satisfying and a turn on - a pity about the chastity device I'm locked into right now...

Not really a game in any practical sense of the word.

Ten years ago, I would have fantasised about this, perhaps tried to get Xena to simulate the experience in nerfed form: lighter whips or a nice soft flogger, and I would have been allowed to get myself off at the end. "Have you been a naughty boy then....?"

Metal bondage, for example, can lead to
nerve damage. 

Which leads me to: How can you tell which fantasies it's OK to experience for real?

I'd say you can do a fantasy for real if you can answer "yes" to the following three questions:


1. Can the fantasy be done by consenting adults? We can skip this first point - it should be a no-brainer.

2. Is the fantasy realistic? A lot of fantasies ignore the awkward or unpleasant realities. Most extreme fantasies can and should fall at this hurdle, because deep down people know that, for example, mutilation really, really hurts, other men smell of male sweat and semen, and with the exception of vaginal juices, most of us find other people's bodily fluids taste and smell foul... unless we don't, or swing that way.

3. Is the fantasy safe to do? Assuming that your fantasy only involves consenting adults and is also close to the reality, then really all that matters is whether it's physically and emotionally safe to do.

 The person who actually lives out a fantasy
is surely less of a "loser" than the
mere fantasist!

Some BDSM activities are more physically dangerous than they seem, sometimes to the point of being life changing or potentially lethal. Metal bondage, for example, can lead to nerve damage. There are also, for example, things that shouldn't happen to your anus. The only way to be sure is to research whatever you're into and adjust accordingly.

Depending on who we are, some BDSM activities may be psychologically dangerous. 

People often exaggerate this fear! Is there really much difference between being a person who masturbates over a kinky activity and one who actually does it for real? Surely, matter how sordid and humiliating the act, the person who actually lives it out is surely less of a "loser" than the one who merely jerks off to it!

However, if you've been abused, or assaulted, if you have some deep-seated ideas about masculinity, then there are things that may trigger you or damage your self image. It's your job to introspect or even talk to a therapist to work out whether you're going to be OK. It may also be wise to approach doing it for real, whatever it is, slowly and with a sympathetic and fully informed partner.

BDSM isn't radioactive waste. 

Similar cautions apply to fantasies that may damage your relationship. If, for example, cuckolding is your bag (it's not mine, but horses for courses), and assuming your partner really does consent, then you still need to consider what this will do to your relationship... the one in which you have invested precious years and perhaps built a family around. 

If the fantasy passes these three tests, then it's probably OK to try it in real life.  

There's no guarantee you'll actually "like" it. 

You may find yourself irritated, angry, in pain, bored... 

It doesn't really matter! 

BDSM isn't radioactive waste. It's not a disaster if something you thought you might like turns out to be a let down. Just be sure to thank your playmate or partner for giving it a shot. You've not really lost anything.

However, my experience is that if it's consensual, realistic and safe, then the reality of a fantasy is far better than the, um, fantasy of the fantasy...

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Learn how to how to walk the same Femdom path with your partner! 

GET THE "FOR HIM" MANUAL RIGHT NOW!
GET THE "FOR HER" MANUAL RIGHT NOW!

CLICK HERE to download my Femdom Erotica (all written while chaste!)

(For ebook format, 

Lulu or iTunes.)

Are BDSM fantasies good when you do them for real? Would I do the things in my books?

My erotica takes me to darkly kinky places.
(Click here to download this book.)

My erotica takes me to darkly kinky places.

I'd like to claim that they are all escapist BDSM fantasies, not manifestos.

However, I didn't honestly expect to enjoy any of the intense kinky things that are now part of my life.

Back when I was young, I liked getting tied up and edged. There was a clear sensual benefit - long plateau phase followed by powerful orgasm. The other stuff I filed under "fantasy".

I mean, who would really want to be whipped hard? (Me, actually.) Or to spend hours kneeling being ignored? Or chained up in a cell? Or slaving away at domestic service? Or to spend weeks or months locked in chastity?

So I worked on ways to simulate these experiences, either nerfing them - soft whips, just a 30 mins chained or in chastity -- or roleplaying that they were true - "Hah! Slave! I condemn you to eternal chastity! Bwahahaha!"

Neither approaches felt particularly satisfying. Nor did either work well with partners.

Most people aren't talented actors or good at improvised role playing. Moreover, all that simulating required my partners to drop into the role of facilitator, certainly hard work, but also not really compatible with the dominant personalities of the women I tended to date (and have now married).

So gradually, partly by accident, I started experiencing my fantasies for real.

I started experiencing my
fantasies for real.
(Find out how!)

I am now routinely whipped hard enough to make me squeal, long enough for me to want it to stop, and though "enjoyment" isn't the right word, I'm certainly happy that it's part of my life. The effect is exactly what I imagined: thrilling fear, deep submission, intense sensations, loss of self....

I've knelt for hours at a time, and spent entire evenings chained in a makeshift cell. Again, it had the effect I imagined: I was deliciously frustrated, wonderfully relaxed, scarily powerless, deeply surrendered.

Then there's extended chastity... it seems odd, but it's an awesome experience I could not however undergo without being forced to. My sensuality is expanded, my plateau phase extended, my submission deeper and more acknowledged, my power exchange relationship more ever-present.

Finally, our Female Led Relationship, which a few years ago I would have dismissed as a foolish fantasy, but which now makes us both so happy.

And here I am, churning out books about men who are permanently enslaved and condemned to permanent chastity with permanent orgasm denial. Whose wives or girlfriends cuckold them with other women. Who descend into total power exchange.

Who would really want to be
whipped hard? (Me, actually.)

It really feels like a slippery slope!

So, how do you tell what BDSM fantasies would work out for real, not just in your head when you masturbate?

I think it's down to realism and consequences.

Realism is the gatekeeper. If your fantasy is not realistic, then it's not going to work out in practice.

Some fantasies are clearly not realistic. People into being eaten in the non-cunnilingus sense, are usually aware that the sensations they imagine are not the ones they would experience. Less reflective men who hack off their own man parts for erotic reasons are often surprised to find it hurts.

Some fantasies are also unrealistic if you research them. For example, long periods tightly bound are impractical because of cramp (and thrombosis!) and because of the need to pee. There are similar problems with stress positions or being human furniture. Days of intense 24/7 Femdom would also be too physically draining for most participants.

Realism is the gatekeeper. 

Most detailed just-so fantasies are hard to replicate in practice. Real people aren't telepathic so can't guarantee on getting inside your head to play you like a musical instrument, or do things with the right intensity at just the right moment.

And of course, some kinky behaviour doesn't produce the desired response in other people. Public sissy-style cross-dressing may trigger polite indifference, rather than humiliation, or perhaps a thorough beating from homophobic thugs. Putting on a chastity device isn't guaranteed to turn your conventional middle aged wife into a nymphomaniac cougar.

So if your fantasy isn't close to the reality, you are unlikely to get the experience you were looking for. At best you'll be disappointed and perhaps cause irritation to your partner. At worst, you'll get hurt emotionally or physically... which leads us to consequences.

Fear of consequences can spoil kinky experiences, no matter how realistic our expectations are.

So, to take an extreme example, somebody who gets off on the fear of a castration, would genuinely be afraid when faced by the real thing - the fantasy is realistic as far as it goes - but would probably not enjoy themselves because the consequences - not having a willy, extreme pain, violation of self... - would loom too large.

Similarly, even if our exhibitionist does get just the reaction he expected, his pleasure may be spoiled by fear of legal, social, moral and professional consequences.

However, I think it's fear of more personal consequences that keeps people from exploring kink: the consequences for their sense of self and their relationship.

Who I am at work is different from who
I am when I lick my own semen from my
wife's feet

Scarily - and here's the slippery slope - it turns out that most of these consequences are damp squibs.

Unless we have unresolved traumas, our sense of self is far more robust than we might expect.

We can do the wildest, most humiliating, things and still be the same person after.

This is partly because self is context dependent: who I am at work is different from who I am when I lick my own semen from my wife's feet.

However, it's also because if we want to do kink then we are already kinky. If anything, carrying around a secret kink is a burden. It actually turns out to be quite validating to just do it.

Kink can have consequences for relationships, but often they are either ones we secretly want - like our Female Led Relationship - or else don't actually manifest.

A broadminded partner can do dirty things with you in bed, and still respect you in the morning. Properly handled to insulate from practical consequences, couples can survive all sorts of shenanigans, from extreme power exchange through to the whole cuckold, hot wife and bull thing - not my cup of tea unless the bull was a lesbian...

Which leads me to: Would I want to be in my own Femdom fiction? I'll get to that in another blog entry.

---

Learn how to how to walk the same Femdom path with your partner! 

GET THE "FOR HIM" MANUAL RIGHT NOW!
GET THE "FOR HER" MANUAL RIGHT NOW!

CLICK HERE to download my Femdom Erotica (all written while chaste!)

(For ebook format, 

Lulu or iTunes.)