As many flavours of femdom as there are couples...

If he's wearing a chastity belt, then it's
still Femdom!

There's a nice reminder on Robert Anthony's blog that there are as many flavours of femdom as there are couples.

He and his wife have an ongoing chastity "game" - she decides when he gets to come and sometimes enjoys teasing and denying him. However - as far as I can gather - that's it. No whips and chains, no domestic service, not really any cringing either. He's not even in a chastity belt! Yes, the chastity - as he reports it, and I tend to believe him - works entirely on the honour system.

That's a lesson it's worth holding in the mind. You don't have to get your Femdom off the shelf, there's no one size fits all.

In fact, your fantasies are probably less important than the power exchange - the raw Femdom.

Don't believe me? Rewind a little.

Before you had relationships, and before you settled down, you probably had all sorts of ideas about the kind of relationship you would have.
And then, when you you fell in love for real, did much of that come true? I'll bet, not.

It takes both parties to build a relationship. The end result is bound to be different from the preconceptions each party brought with them. Some old ideas just don't fit, and some new ideas turn out to hit the spot.

The same goes for a Femdom slave-mistress relationship.

If she's being a dominatrix for her own pleasure, and not just "service topping", then her preferences just aren't going to be a perfect counterpart for yours, not least because some kinks require far more in effort  than she could possibly get out in pleasure.

Even if you feed in ideas... even if she treats your kinks as a kind of menu and adds none of her own... the end result is going to be hers, not yours.

If you've read my book on how to turn your wife or girlfriend into a dominatrix, then you'll know that I  don't think that's a bad thing.

There's a deliciously dark terror in submitting, really submitting, in letting go and becoming a real slave, albeit for an evening or a weekend.

Would you let somebody else write your love letters for you?

A long time ago - in pre-Internet days!- we bought a femdom manual written by an experienced dominatrix. (I won't name it, because I don't want to get into reviewing other people's books.) Most of it was for her to read, not me. At the time, we had boundless time and energy, so my lady went the extra mile and read the thing.

Looking back, it wasn't a disaster. We certainly had fun.

But it was all about how to be a good dominatrix, and by the way this means you get to have a tidy apartment and happy husband. (Joy!)

It treated Femdom as a game, and No Big Thing , which was good. But it also treated it as a performance. In this book, the dominatrix was a facilitator in the way that Cynthia Payne was a facilitator. Any genuine benefit to her was a byproduct, almost an accident...which, from where I'm standing, is not so good. 

This wasn't what I instinctively yearned for then, and certainly is not what I want now. I want my submission to be real, my service to be real, my consensual slavery to be a real gift from me to her. I don't want an act ("Have you been a naughty boy then?"). I don't want to pretend anything I don't have to.


So the book sent us off down the wrong path, or failed to help us onto the right one.


And it was all my fault.

I let a stranger write my love letter for me.