Friday, 20 February 2015

How to wear the Holy Trainer 2 without lotion (and beat morning wood)

I've been wearing a Holy Trainer 2 male chastity device
most days for about a year.
I've been wearing a Holy Trainer 2 male chastity device most days for about a year. It's not technically secure -- of course -- but it's psychologically secure (longer blog entry on chastity device security here).

Here's what I've learned.

Buying a Holy Trainer 2

Make sure you get a tube that neatly fits your flaccid penis. Too long is disastrous. Much too short is reveals too much shaft when aroused, and also makes you feel your dick is being ripped off.

Similarly, get a small enough ring which is more secure and prevents stray flaps of skin pinching.

The customs people are increasingly wise to small packages coming from Switzerland, so to avoid duty you're best purchasing your chastity device from a local supplier, e.g. in the UK Uberkinky.

When the thing arrives, check it for seams and sand down any you find using fine grade wet and dry paper.

Installing the Holy Trainer 2

You will need your chastity device, a Q-tip and a few moments privacy. (Do your first installation in private so you don't get flustered!)

Don't be tempted to use lotion. Long term this is unhygienic and probably weakens your skin. Short term, it lets the base ring slide making morning wood an unbearable balls-yanking experience.
Without the lotion, the ring grips your scrotum nicely, and doesn't slip much when you get hard.

  1. Install the base ring. Make sure the top is snug with your pubis. At the bottom, leave a couple of fingers width of scrotum free. (This lets you move around.)
  2. Pull your penis through.
  3. Install the tube by pushing your penis down out of the way and starting to slot the tube into place. At the last moment, push your penis up into the tube, then finish installing the tube. (This prevents pinching and gets the penis deeper into the tube.)
  4. Pull the top of the scrotum through the ring so that it's snug and lock the device. Don't be tempted to pull at the front of the scrotum -- that tends to pull your penis back out of the end of the device making peeing harder.
  5. Carefully -- CAREFULLY --insert the Q-tip into the front of the tube and between your penis and the walls. (Avoid pushing the thing into your urethra!!!). Roll the Q-tip around, easing your penis forward until the head is aligned properly against the inside of the pee-hole.
  6. If you're not hard, now push your finger into the back of the tube and ensure all the lose skin is pushed forward into the tube. (This helps prevent the head of your penis rolling back from the end, then getting stuck when you get aroused.)
  7. Now bend over or squat so that your tackle hangs loose. You'll find your penis head has pulled back from the tube end. Repeat steps 5 and 6 then stand up. Your penis should now be securely pressed against the end.
A note on morning wood: Morning Wood is normal and pretty much physiologically unavoidable. It's the bane of chastity device wearers. Typically we wake up in pain, the base ring stretching our balls, the head of our penis swollen and jammed 25% short of the end, and a great length of shaft exposed in a way that feels ugly and vulnerable. 
As you'll have gathered, my trick for beating it is: Use a small enough ring with no lotion so that it grips the scrotum not the balls. Seat the penis properly in the tube, making sure any loose skin is pushed up into it. Avoid pulling on the front of the scrotum so that the skin feeds in when the penis erects.
EDIT: Or you could use the stocking method, which now I have working is pretty amazing. Blog entry to follow once I've worked out how to explain it.

How to urinate in a Holy Trainer 2

The important thing is to get your pee hold lined up hard against the slit. I keep a Q-tip handy to do this, however if I'm out and about my penis is usually shrunken enough that I can merely shake and push on the device to align it.

When peeing, be careful not to lift the device and thus kink your shaft. This makes a mess!

I find I need only expose the tube in order to pee. However, what with the need for a Q-tip, I don't think I'd ever use a public urinal while wearing my chastity device.

Don't resign yourself to just getting off on other people's adventures! When we started out, my wife was vanilla. Use my manuals to help you walk the same Femdom path! There's one for him, and one for her

Sunday, 15 February 2015

Did 50 Shades of Grey miss the trend?: How many women fantasize about sexually dominating their partner?

46.7% of women fantasize about
dominating somebody sexually.
Find out how to not mess it up when you meet one.
Good news! 46.7% of women fantasize about dominating somebody sexually, according to a survey of 1,517 Quebec adults.

64.6%, meanwhile, fantasize about being dominated. So rather than 50 Shades of Grey revealing the dark truth about women's sexuality, it really just revels in one of several dark truths.

Sure, two thirds of women get off on the idea of being dominated, but roughly a half of them quite like the idea of doing the dominating.

Better yet, since 53.3% of men have submissive fantasies, it follows that the true sexually submissive male to potentially sexually dominant female ratio is 1.14:1, pretty much one domme for every sub.

Depending on what female switches really do, this is slightly better or much better than the estimated 1.6:1 to 4:1 ratio in the active fetish community.

But the game changer is: these new statistics are for the whole community, not just the active fetish one.

Just think about it. Half of modern women are potential dominatrixes.

...if a woman has a dominant fantasy
it's likely to be a fairly soft one...
Learn how to sell yourself to her as a slave!
Half of the entire pool... the pool of every single datable woman in your city, the ones you have other stuff in common with, not just the ones who pop up in the Fetish community. Those are pretty good odds if you approach it right.

It feels as if something has changed. Are modern women simply more confident and empowered? Is it that there are more dominatrix-like role models on screen and in books?

One thing that I think is very clear is that you can't assume these dominatrix fantasies are off-the-peg ones, or match what the webcam dommes get up to.

"Dominate" implies a dynamic, yes, but only 23.8% of women imagined spanking or whipping somebody, and 10.8% were interested in "forcing" somebody to have sex. However, 41.7% imagined tying somebody up for sexual gratification.

So, if a woman has a dominant fantasy it's likely to be a fairly soft one, and -- I'm betting -- she's still unlikely to have done anything about it, or even be prepared to admit it.

That means that, if you are compatible in other ways, you still need to approach Femdom honestly but with care, always asking yourself "what's in it for her?"

Don't resign yourself to just getting off on other people's adventures! When we started out, my wife was vanilla. Use my manuals to help you walk the same Femdom path! There's one for him, and one for her

Monday, 2 February 2015

Those Fetlife stats and why they don't matter: What are the chances of finding Femdom in the Fetish scene?

What are the chances of finding
Femdom in the Fetish scene?
A single heterosexual sub walks into a munch.

What are his chances of eventually -- since munches aren't singles bars -- finding an ongoing relationship there, rather than the opportunity to take part in scenes at clubs and play parties?

Judging from what people post online, worse than finding a vanilla relationship in the straight dating scene where the ration of men to women can drift as far as 1:4 in your favor.

But how much worse?

Those Fetlife membership statistics

There's no super survey of Femdom in the fetish world. However, somebody posted some stats for Fetlife. Since many Fetlifers are denizens of clubs and munches, we can treat it as a snapshot of what goes on in real life.

Up until this point, the best data I could find was quite old Kinsey statistics from 1993:
14% of men and 11% of women have had some sexual experience with sadomasochism
That's a BDSM male/female ratio of 1.27 to 1... not too bad. However, the proportion of (self-identified) men to women in this Fetlife survey is roughly 1.6:1, actually worse than yesteryear. This may just mean that more men surf one-handed than women, though. Let's just agree that there are roughly as many kinky men as kinky women in the world.

(The Kinsey stat doesn't mention sexual orientation but the Fetlife orientations seem roughly matched -- the same proportion of men and women are available for heterosexual pairings.)

Things get more depressing when we start looking for Femdom.
Kinsey : “A [1995] study looking at message board posts found 71% of heterosexual males but only 11% of heterosexual females... prefer a dominant role when engaging in sexual bondage.” 
That gives an m:F proportion of 6.45:1 assuming equal numbers of men and women. I'm guessing that women were in the minority on the old boards, and that a high proportion of them were pro dommes, not in itself a bad thing, but not necessarily what most subs want long term.

Reddit user "dalalphabet" totaled up:
23,989 submissive males and 14,767 dominant women.
Less than 10% of men and women identified as exclusively same-sex in their orientation, so let's ignore orientation for the moment. That gives Fetlife a proportion of 3:1... not good, but roughly twice as good as a few years ago.

Meanwhile, 32,083 male switches and 20,406 female switches changes the odds somewhere between 1.6:1 to 4:1 depending whether the women will top men.

However this probably doesn't matter, because the precise statistics don't matter. Here's why...

Why the Fetlife statistics probably don't matter anyway if you are looking for a Femdom relationship

Let's just agree that in Femdom world there are more subs than dommes. It certainly fits the sob stories online about male subs greatly outnumbering dommes.

The precise proportion, however, is irrelevant.

Any imbalance in favor of the
dommes means that most of the
dommes will be attached most
of the time
Any imbalance in favor of the dommes means that most of the dommes will be attached most of the time, since subs will do their best to preserve the relationship. Meanwhile the pool of single subs will "churn" as men drift away disheartened and others take their place.

When a sub position does become available, you'll always be competing with several men. A larger group size won't help because you'd need an awful lot of dommes for more than one to be single or looking for a secondary at any given time.

Assuming exclusive relationships and that 3:1 ratio, a community of 40 means you're competing with 19 other spare subs, a community of 400 just means that you're now competing  199 other subs.

If it looks bad for the sub, it's also bad for the domme.  Many unattached dommes report real trouble in finding a partner. I think this is the result of of pool size and "noise".

If you live in a big city, potential vanilla partners are measured in hundreds of thousands, kinky ones in mere thousands.

It's simply 100 times harder to find a truly compatible partner if you limit yourself to the kinky pool. It's about the same as only dating fellow squash players. True, you'll always have some values in common, but that won't be enough in itself.

Although subs want to throw themselves at the feet of anybody who will dominate them, dommes tend to be more wise and less desperate in their choice of partners. However, their pool is limited to a small number of men who won't help them establish whether that compatibility exists. Worse, a good proportion of those men will be rather odd; entitled, pushy, needy, ugly...or just fixed in those expectations.

So is it worth getting involved in the local fetish scene? 

You don't know until you've tried. Communities can vary wildly.  You'll certainly find friends, support, and BDSM know-how.

However, if you are a male sub I would not regard the scene as the automatic answer to all your romantic needs. You'll still probably have to go out and find your own domme in the vanilla world.

And, if you are a married man with submissive urges and a vanilla wife... well the grass is neither greener nor kinkier on the other side of the hedge.