Sunday, 25 May 2014

A glimpse of permanent chastity: 113 days without an orgasm!

Permanent chastity is one of my favorite fantasies.

Now, somehow, I've passed the 100 day mark and sailed on into my second orgasm-free hundred days and there's no end it sight. It's no longer about a certain time span. Instead, Xena just likes me chaste.

So though it's not formally permanent chastity, it's certainly indefinite. It's certainly given me an insight into my fantasy.

A month ago, over on the Reddit Permanent Chastity Forum, I responded to a "what's attractive about permanent chastity thread" and "dfwdf" commented:
70 days, wow.
If you still remember at this point, around what day did you start leaking? Did your libido ever reach a level where your willpower broke, but the device held? When did it "peak" for you, and can you describe your mental state now that you've had time to "level back out" again?
First let me say I am not in my device 24/7. It comes off for socializing, running and the gym. However it's chastity not denial because it lasts until Xena releases me. She doesn't deny me on an orgasm-by-orgasm basis, not is my penis ever out for erotic activity.

At this stage it just feels like my life.

It started as something I did as a lead-in to a period of Femdom. Seventeen days in, I reported:
It's been easier than I thought.
Mental adjustment helped me to enjoy the sensual benefits.
Consciously, I let the feelings of lust come and go, acknowledge the hungry tingle in my groin, but don't engage with it (though it seems to give me energy).
Unconsciously... well, after a while - so I've read - your unconscious gets with the program and backs up any specific and practical conscious decisions you've made. Timelocks and anti-pullout systems are pretty decisive, and my unconscious has just given in.
However, what really made it easy was that more than ever before chastity and denial is a real act of submission on my part.
Xena long ago she admitted that she prefers me chaste in bed. Recently, she's also confessed to finding my longer term "plight" amusing and pleasing.
Since she sort of took control over my orgasms, I also detect a certain relish in her intimate power over me. (Not being kinky, I think she expected Sadism to feel different from other emotions, but of course it's not.)
Even without the sensual pleasures and submissive satisfaction, the denial and subsequent chastity has been worthwhile because it provides a foundation for our dynamic. It demonstrates to Xena that I really am serious about this and capable of making myself "suffer" and also ensures that however vanilla our interactions are - since I am time-locked into a chastity cage - I'm always at a disadvantage.
This hasn't really changed. After an initial couple of weeks of twitchiness I just settled into the existence.

  • I'm rewired. If I'm horny I crave going doing on Xena or receiving a beating, both of which make me leak enough to get some release. 
  • There's no peak. However I'm now as responsive as I was as a teenager. Just touching Xena's feet when I massage her gets me hard and drippy.
  • I have no desire to be released (which is a bit scary when I think about it hard, but absolutely true. If it was practical I would find it very hard to refuse to have a device fixed on permanently.)
How is this possible? 

I am a submissive, and it's what Xena wants. I enjoy the plateau sensations anyway. And it's a constant connection to the woman I love.

Learn how to how to walk the same Femdom path with your partner! 

Friday, 23 May 2014

How we ended up in a Female Led Relationship Part 4: Conclusions

(I'm backtracking to work out how we ended up in a Female Led Relationship --  see part  1. )

So, now we're in a Female Led Relationship.

Not only does Xena set me chores and targets, I also anticipate them, and she hands out demerits and then beatings if I don't meet her expectations.

The bedroom phase of our evening starts with me kneeling in the corner awaiting orders, which she takes entirely for granted.

She gets a good foot rub and often a massage each night. At the weekend I sometimes get lucky and get to pleasure her. Sometimes things get more intense and there are whips and chains, and boots and stockings.

Meanwhile I'm in chastity.

I'm always in a device when practical and always for any intimate action. I haven't had an orgasm for over 100 days. When I am horny, I crave not a fuck or a chance to wank, but rather a chance to pleasure her and enjoy the reflected orgasm.

I don't know how I feel about all this.

Though I've fantasized about being a real life modern slave since my adolescence, part of the kick of the fantasy was its darkness. I certainly didn't imagine this is what my domestic life would look like in my late 40s!

I can't claim that this doesn't make me happy. Since my total surrender to Xena, we've both noticed that I am more relaxed, more focused.

Part of that is to do with personality. The roots of my submissive streak are existential, not erotic. Part of me wants to be controlled, to submit, to shrug off the burden of choice.

Mostly, though, it's a relationship thing.

When I'm not a sexual submissive
I am a raunchy, playful sex maniac.
When I'm not a sexual submissive I am a raunchy, playful sex maniac.

What I wanted -- and expected -- from marriage was to be like that couple in Local Hero, romantic with an infinite appetite for each other, always sloping off for a quicky. It turns out that for most of us, marriage doesn't work out that way. We end up spiraling towards the dead bedroom, occasionally clawing our way outward with tricks like new lingerie, experimental sex positions, and second honeymoons. The more the higher-desire partner pushes, the more the lower desire partner recoils. Throw in job loss and money worries, and what you have is a virtually sex free marriage.

Until the start of this year, I saw my role as keeper of our sex life. It was my job to read self help books and pester Xena into bed. It was stressful, unrewarding, and since it turned the sex into my thing, unfruitful. It's a lot easier to accept the inevitable and embrace chaste Femdom in the bedroom.

It's a similar story for the domesticity. As breadwinner, Xena feels cheated and let down if I don't hold up my side of the partnership by running our home to her standards. I have a simple choice between arguing about housework and feeling guilty all the time, or just doing as I am told.

Now we don't argue anymore and our sex
life is wildly erotic compared to the last
So, in short, I was making myself miserable trying to have an equal relationship with Xena when that simply wasn't available. Now we don't argue anymore and our sex life is wildly erotic compared to the last decade. So of course I'm happier than I was.

However, I can't stand on the outside to get a perspective on all this! Experiences shape us, immersive experiences do so at an alarming rate. Also, my new role pervades my entire life. I haven't had an orgasm since the beginning of our FLR.

Which leads me to another point. I cannot claim to have acted particularly wisely.

More than once I was driven by short term turn on when I nudged things in the direction of a Female Led Relationship. I didn't have to hand over my orgasms to Xena, and surely I must have seen where things would go when I suggested she demerit me outside of Femdom sessions. I also did most of my negotiating while chaste.

Was I following some primal instinct, or just a kinky fool risking his relationship? I have no way of knowing.

Finally, there's the question of how we ended up here. Though I've set out numbered stages, I am not sure the precise order really mattered. It's more like a perfect storm.

  1. We developed a part-time Femdom dynamic that was pretty much a more intense version of an FLR.
  2. In our vanilla relationship, circumstances shifted the power and control in Xena's direction. Supporting her and meeting her reasonable domestic expectations became indistinguishable from submitting to her. Maintaining boundaries caused friction. I had to choose between vanilla and Femdom.
  3. Since, thanks to the Dead Bedroom, Femdom had long become our only mutually satisfying sexual outlet, it was better to give up on autonomy I did not have than to damage the precious intimacy with the woman I love.
  4. Therefore, Female Led Relationship.

...ultimately, the economy made
me a slave.
However, the Dead Bedroom is partly a result of circumstances -- me losing my job, Xena worrying about money and so working long and hard and getting stressed. If I got a high-paying job tomorrow, hired domestic help and paid off our credit cards, we might well return to a romance-fuelled vigorous, if a little sporadic, vanilla sex life with a Femdom track just like before only better--you don't need to be in a FLR to enjoy Femdom!

So ultimately, the economy made me a slave.

I wouldn't suggest economic dependency as a strategy for a man seeking to turn his marriage to a Female Led Relationship. Rather than slip into dominating me, other wives would have left or cheated, or simply moved into the spare bedroom and retreated into a sexless life routine of work and TV.

However, if the idea of a Female Led Relationship makes you happy, then I think the best strategy is to develop a female-focused Femdom track to your relationship. Once you have that, then Vanilla to Femdom becomes a spectrum, not a gulf.

My books can help you introduce Female Centered Femdom to your relationship. It's much much more satisfying than just reading about it and yearning!

Thursday, 22 May 2014

How we ended up in a Female Led Relationship Part 3: The Withering of the Vanilla

(I'm backtracking to work out how we ended up in a Female Led Relationship --  see part  1. )

This is where it gets blurry because the stages were often to do with accepting a change that had already happened.

Stage 9: Routinely using the Demerit Counter outside Femdom time (around two months ago)

...enough demerits to
merit a whipping!
In the lead up to our romantic weekend, I was concerned I would not have enough demerits to merit a whipping.

"How about you set me tasks and assign demerits if I fail?" I said. "not routine things... extra things you want."

"OK," said Xena. "For a start I'm sick of the way the area around the coffee machine is always a mess."

"Right," I said, already getting hard.

It turned out there were a lot of areas ripe for improvement, and I racked up enough demerits for a spectacularly painful whipping at the end of our weekend.

When the weekend was over, since it seemed a good way of making a game out of the housework, we just continued. We are still using the demerit counter. (See stage 12, below.)

Stage 10:  Indefinite Chastity (around two months ago)

Xena had taken control of my orgasm a few weeks before our romantic weekend. However, that was just supposed to be a kind of setup for a kinky couple of days in a seaside cottage.

she was more interested in me being chaste than
having any particular release date.
When we came back, there were always reasons for me not having an orgasm, including the need to administer my demerits first.

More recently Xena admitted that she was more interested in me being chaste than having any particular release date. If this isn't permanent chastity, it's certainly indefinite!

So that's how it came about that this week I passed the 100th day without an orgasm.

Stage 11: Holy Trainer 2, a practical chastity device  (around two months ago)

The new Holy Trainer 2 came out. We were fresh back from our romantic weekend, so I risked asking Xena if we could invest in one. As soon as it arrived, I locked up overnight as a test, then just got into the habit. After five nights we finally talked about it and Xena admitted that this was now my standing order.

I ended up perpetually enslaved because
I was perpetually chaste
For several years, I'd always worn a chastity device when slaving, Xena just acted as if it worked the other way around.

Dear reader, I ended up perpetually enslaved because I was perpetually chaste!

All this was only possible because there was clearly no downside to wearing the Holy Trainer 2.

I didn't chafe, never had to make odd adjustments, nor did it hamper my movements. Xena could order me to wear it without storing up trouble for herself (her sleepy mode is Hermit so she hates me making a fuss).

Stage 12: Accepting that the relationship had to revolve around Xena anyway (around two months ago)

I realized this between our sabbatical and our weekend away.

Xena wanted a foot massage. I wasn't in slave mode, so gave her the massage but insisted on conversation, which caused a row. Kink or no kink, Xena had had a long day at work and needed just to switch off.

The economy had pitched me into the role of
old-fashioned housewife and I damn
well needed to live up to it!
I realized afterward that me being unemployed (except for the odd contract doing what I do) means that it was my job to be supportive and that support and submission are often indistinguishable!

The next time, I just submitted and rubbed her feet even though there had been no formal switch into slave mode.

During our romantic weekend we talked about how to make Xena's life easier and I finally got that she needed to come home to a tidy clean house with food in the fridge and a meal on the table. The economy had pitched me into the role of old-fashioned housewife and I damn well needed to live up to it!

At the time I responded that we'd make a game of it and that she could use the demerit counter once we were back. (See above, Stage 9).

A couple of weeks after the romantic break, I realized that I had painted myself into a corner:

  • Xena now controlled the sex. Without the Femdom, intimacy would consist of massages, cunnilingus if I was lucky, and me jerking off. Being her slave was actually sexier and more dignified, even without the orgasm.
  • Xena now controlled my chores. Without the Femdom, she would still be calling the shots domestically, and still getting irritated when things weren't done. Being her slave was actually less stressful, since she no longer felt uncomfortable telling me what to do, I could accept the chores and do them cheerfully, and demerits and a beating were actually better for our relationship than a background irritation.

Only my professional and social life remained. However, one is limited by the economy, the other by the need to support her.

So really, I didn't have any sort of choice. I could be a disgruntled, henpecked  middle-aged husband who didn't get any sex, or contented compliant husband and sometime slave.

Stage 13: Accepting we are in a 24/7 Female Led Relationship (a perhaps month ago) 

 ...we were in a Female
Led Relationship
I'm vague about this because it happened over several conversations. 

There was no single tipping point. Whenever Xena pushed the limits, I would mutter about having no choice anyway.

Eventually, as I knelt on the floor massaging her feet, I pointed out the obvious: we were in a Female Led Relationship.

Xena laughed and agreed. She said she liked things this way.

Now all we had to do was make the FLR work properly.

However, that's for another series of posts!

Reading back what I've written, I realize these entries have been drier than my usual writing style. I guess it's hard to write a summary report and still sound interesting.

I'll try to be perkier in the next and last post of this series when I try to make sense of it all and come to some conclusions. (See Part 4)

In the mean time, how about introducing some Female Centered Femdom to your relationship?

Tuesday, 20 May 2014

How we ended up in a Female Led Relationship Part 2: 360 Degree Trust

(I'm backtracking to work out how we ended up in a Female Led Relationship --  see part  1.)

Stage 5: Femdom Sabbaticals start (about a year ago)

About a year ago, there was a two-week hole in my diary; no contracts, not sporting engagements. Xena agreed that I could spend it as her slave, then more or less forgot (though interestingly she didn't notice that I had been submissive for two days running!) and needed reminded. god it hurt
It was an interesting two weeks. I learned the uncomfortable truth that I really am a submissive, and we both enjoyed the lack of conflict and the tidy house. In other words, we had a sample of the FLR lifestyle and found it fitted us both beautifully.

It was also something of a shakedown cruise. I nearly ruined the whole thing by over-sharing and topping from the bottom, all things that put Xena off Femdom in the past. However (as we shall see) I learned my lesson, and Xena handled my failings within the Femdom context.

From then on, whenever a weekend or part of a weekend was clear, we'd make a sabbatical of it; me serving and going to sleep as her chaste slave, then serving the next day until whatever commitment our busy lives had lined up.

Stage 6: Real angry punishment and full 360 degree trust (about a year ago)

During that first sabbatical, I was bugging and demanding, and Xena's irritation mounted. However, rather than calling the whole thing off, she handed out demerits and then gave me my first genuine punishment. It really was a punishment, she really was angry, and my god it hurt.

Victorian-style thigh-high socks!
Apart from being incredibly hot to think about, and to serve in the shadow of, this was a watershed. I could trust her not to break role, even when I  genuinely made her angry.  She could trust me to be her slave, even when she dished out experiences I would rather avoid. Call it 360-degree trust.

Christmas boots

Stage 7: Xena takes ownership of the Femdom (just under five months ago)

We had a romantic weekend planned, and Xena declared she would "bring her Christmas boots", meaning the sexy knee-length boots she bought in the Christmas Sales, the ones she knew I wanted her to wear when she dommed me.

This was the first time ever she had spontaneously suggested something to make the Femdom sexier. The way was open for me to get her to help pick Victorian-style thigh-high socks and shop for sex toys.

Stage 8: Xena turns sadist

There followed a second entirely successful two-week sabbatical at home, then our "romantic" weekend. By the end of it, Xena had definitely started to embrace her sadistic side. (Ouch).

100% authentic, mutually enjoyable
 and reliable part-time Femdom
At this point we had finally arrived at 100% authentic, mutually enjoyable and reliable part-time Femdom, pretty much my Holy Grail.

True, the only "sex" we were having was Femdom sex.

However (a) at least we were having that -- many middle-aged couples just have a dead bedroom, and (b) this was supposed to be a temporary holding strategy.

We could have continued like this indefinitely. However, instead, we toppled over into a Female Led Relationship. I think this was almost entirely because of our particular personalities, and our respective work situations. However, it will take some more thought to untangle.

(See Part 3)

Don't just read about other people enjoying Femdom! Why not introduce some Female Centered Femdom to your relationship?

Saturday, 17 May 2014

How we ended up in a Female Led Relationship Part 1: Making it real and routine

More than a hundred days in, and we're still in a Female Led Relationship. I'm trying to work out how we got here!

There are clues in my blog, but most of the important steps only turn out to be important looking back. Worse, Xena isn't big on talking about stuff like this!

Here's what I think happened..

Stage 1: The Femdom became 100% real and routine (leading up to two years ago)

...she really was treating
me as a slave.
Over the preceding five years or so, I'd taken the approach set out in Getting Her to be a Vanilla Dominatrix; I tried to tailor all my Femdom suggestions around Xena and her various moods. There were setbacks, I messed up a few times. Even so, Xena started to ask for her slave from time-to-time. 

The big breakthrough came -- as she once let slip -- when she realized she could treat me "how the hell I like". First this meant falling asleep without considering my erotic needs. Finally, one memorable weekend away, she realized that she could enjoy Femdom without any erotic action at all. She ordered a massage and then fell asleep, leaving me chaste.

If that sounds frustrating, it was. However, it was also utterly hot and deeply satisfying because she really was treating me as a slave. 

Stage 2: Dead Bedroom except for Femdom (culminating about a year and a half ago)

The Femdom "sex"...was doing fine
This happens to an alarming proportion of married couples in middle age. Despite loving me, and being an affectionate wife, Xena simply lost interest in our sex life. Lots of things were to blame: boredom and familiarity; stress at work; and me losing my job, which seems to have triggered an odd evolutionary psychological effect in her. Vanilla sex became uninvolving, infrequent, unintimate. The Femdom "sex" -- with me in a chastity device -- however, was doing fine.

I read the usual self help guides for married couples, some useful, some dry as dust. However nothing made much difference because she simply wasn't interested. Sometime during the next few stages I simply gave up; I had already found a cure for the Dead Bedroom.

Stage 3: Xena asks for Femdom to be the default intimacy (a year and a half ago ago)

About a year ago, Xena asked -- in her round about way -- if we could stop having penetrative sex and stick to Femdom in the bedroom. I initially hedged, but ultimately agreed. The Femdom was so much more exciting than the depressing vanilla sex, and I would in any case trade my orgasms for hers.

Stage 4: A practical 24/7 male chastity device (a year and a half ago)

...a cheap Chinese chastity device
Spurred on by Xena's request, I splashed out and bought a cheap Chinese chastity device. (It was fine, though I would advise anybody now to go straight to the Holy Trainer 2.)

Up to this point I had been using a DIY chastity device made out of polypropylene webbing. It was actually pretty good, however not really practical for spending time outside the house or in the company of others. 

The way was open for longer periods as a slave...

(See Part 2)

Dare you introduce some Female Centered Femdom to your relationship?

Wednesday, 7 May 2014

Pamela Mask reviews the Holy Trainer 2

Reposted with permission:
Holy Trainer Version 2: I bought this one recently (2 months ago). I was actually shopping around for a metal device, and got an email from the HT manufacturer that they had a new improved Holy Trainer with integrated locking mechanism. After a couple of emails with the manufacturer (very fast and courteous responses) I decided to order it. Got it in a few days, tried it on and immediately felt the improvements.  
The new locking mechanism is very well designed. First it holds the ring and tube solidly together and in place. There is virtually no "play" or ability to move the tube away from the ring, or side-to-side, in spite of the device being plastic. When locked in place it feels very much like one solid and secure device. 
As others have said the comfort level is as good as can be expected for any ring/tube type device. A second big benefit is the elimination of the external padlock. It so much nicer without having that padlock clicking, poking and moving around all the time. 
The internal lock also eliminates the mechanical "play" introduced by the padlock, resulting in better comfort and security. I had become so accustomed to the unpleasant aspects of the padlock that it is taking some time to get used to it not being there (a good thing every time I realize its not there). 
Anyway, Holy Trainer Version 2 is the best device I have experienced to date. I'll post another update after I've done a longer chastity term in it (which should be soon).

Why not introduce some Female Centered Femdom to your relationship?

Saturday, 3 May 2014

Holy Trainer 2 Review: 42nd night in the Swiss bioresin chastity device

The chastity, the denial (the beating tonight)
-- all Xena's idea. I guess she's not very
vanilla anymore...
Tonight will be my 42nd night in the Holy Trainer 2 chastity device!

That's two stints of 21 nights each with a three day gap in the middle.

During this time, I haven't been wearing 24/7 - I'm just not comfortable with taking part in sport or hanging out with friends while wearing. However, I have worn the Holy Trainer during the day unless socializing or attending meetings and interviews.

Psychologically, it's be interesting. Since this is pretty much Xena's idea, instead of feeling like a guilty pleasure, locking up morning and night has become routine, and wearing a pleasant duty.

Physically, I have a constant background tingling in my penis and a certain weight in my balls. That's also from over 90 days of denial, again Xena's idea.

Beyond that, there's nothing to report. No discomfort, no chafing, no sore spots, no burning sensations. The Holy Trainer 2 remains diabolically comfortable.

Don't just read blogs about Femdom! The third edition of "Getting her to be a Vanilla Dominatrix" is now available! Why not introduce some Female Centered Femdom to your relationship?