Part-time Femdom can be darker than FLR

Wife Led Marriages, FLR or 24/7/365 Femdom... I'm not personally a fan. But some people do want to replicate a reversal of old-fashioned marriage. The snag is that doing this doesn't automatically dish up a dose of unfettered Femdom. Here's Kathy at Femdom101:

There is a huge difference between the role of a dominatrix and the role of a mistress wife. For one thing a mistress wife generally cares about her husband, and wants him to have a life that is pleasing and worthwhile. Yes, she will expect obedience. Yes, she will assign her husband chores, and from time to time there will be punishment. However, there is no wife that I know of who has an all encompassing desire to work her husband to death or to make his life miserable. If anything, the mistress wife adopted femdom out of a need to be the best wife she could be for her man.

In other words, the Female Led Relationship has to be sustainable 24/7 practically, morally and emotionally. So, when a typical life-style sub looks at his partner, he sees somebody who basically cares about him.

Why a part-time Femdom relationship can go deeper and darker

Now a part-time Femdom relationship with your partner (of the kind I describe in my two femdom manuals) is a bit different.

It's still authentic - she's still in charge doing as she pleases in a space where her vanilla tastes and your fantasies intersect. However, it only has to be sustainable for a few hours or days at a time. This means there's no need for her to square the moral circle. She can do all the nurturing and caring whens he's being a wife or girlfriend. Right now, beyond physical safety, she is under no obligation to give a damn about your experience; slavery is an evil institution, and when she's enjoying it she's being evil or at least amoral.

The Femdom relationship has no reality outside this dark place. So, when a part-time sub looks at his part-time mistress, he sees only somebody to be feared or worshipped.

Can a "wife mistress" also be a Roman Dominatrix?

Actually, yes. The trick would be to establish a distinct mood or mode to distinguish the dark parts from the day-to-day female led relationship.

For more on being a Roman Dominatrix, try my book!

The problem with Vanilla Subs

A dominant mate of mine was told by his vanilla ex - "Thank god I don't have to do any of that nasty stuff again."

Privately, he reckoned this was rubbish. “Orgasms don’t lie,” he said.

As a sub myself, I think it’s more complicated.

Even though it’s consensual, D&S simulates evil and feels real to the primitive parts of the brain. (Yes, I know there’s also fluffy stuff in there about trust and intimacy.)

This simulated evil is at least half the fun. However, it creates problems with vanilla people who haven’t had the years to work it through.

Bad for a vanilla dom to whom it simply *feels* morally wrong. Worse for the vanilla sub.

The vanilla sub experiences the simulated evil direct and unmediated… the violation of will and body, the humbling and humiliation, the forced intimacy…

…and they get off on it.

This is a supremely dark place to be and one that challenges a person’s very identity, especially if they’ve had to fight for self determination in this big mean world of ours.

I think the best approach is to be very careful how you “frame” the D/S part of your relationship.

Are you all D/S is darkly romantic, authentic, significant?

Perhaps it would be better to cushion your sub by treating it as just a bit of fun: no big thing, just make believe or an erotic sport. Joke that you do most of the actual work and she gets most of the orgasms.

Most of all, in the immediate aftermath of your sessions, get back to normal as quick as possible!

Got a 5-star Review on Amazon

Awesome! "How to be a Roman Dominatrix" got a 5-star review on Amazon!

I have just finished reading Giles English's latest book, The Roman Dominatrix. It was wonderful. A lot of our discussions in the femdom blog world have been about women who are having a hard time reconciling being dominant with being a nice girl.

They feel pressured by their partners as well as the BDSM community to be more kinky, to be more into BDSM, when they are really just basically vanilla. That scares a lot of women off.

The book, The Roman Dominatrix gives me a different point of view, and a workable method for being a vanilla domme, and yet keep a happy sub. The AVE method is spelled out, easy to follow and fun for both partners. I recommend this book very highly for new and questioning dominants. 

I'm more relieved than pleased - I've had quite a few sales, but such is the nature of erotic publishing that people don't usually check back to write a review. I want this book out there putting right the relationship damage that mostly male subs inflict.

How to be a Roman Dominatrix published!

My new femdom how-to guide is now available on Kindle! It's for adventurous female readers who want to dominate their man, but are "vanilla", meaning not naturally kinky.

As you might imagine from the title, it's based on the (very hot) idea that Ancient Roman ladies routinely owned male slaves for pleasure!

What Roman slavery can teach  us about enjoying modern Femdom

Why the obsession with Ancient Roman slave owners?

This -

 

Yes,  a Roman lady... enjoying her slave. 

Authentic slavery means kink for him, vanilla for her

From her point of view, nothing kinky is going on. She's just enjoying  a quick licking the way a modern woman might take out her vibrator. 

From his point of view... well, it ticks many of the Femdom boxes: Oral Service, Male Nude Female Clothed, Humiliation, Objectification, Denial, Teasing (accidental) and, if he's wearing a theca, Male Chastity! If she's feeling playful, then there will be other kinks as well.

Roman-style slavery just works!

This asymmetry is a revelation! What if, instead of trying to tune in to her submissive husband or boyfriend's fantasies, the modern vanilla dominatrix simply treated him as an authentic slave?

Sure, it wouldn't deliver everything he'd spent years imagining, but it would give him a dose of 100% authentic slavery - no guilt, no second guessing, just service and suffering. 

Better yet, she'd know exactly what to do with her slave, because she'd be entirely suiting herself and relying on the situation to generate the kink for him.

And that's what my book "How to be a Roman Dominatrix" is about.

FAQ: How do I dominate my partner? (It's what they want)

My first book is supposed to help them to empower you to dominate them. Get them to read that.

If you have the time, try my second book How to be a Roman Dominatrix.

But if you're in a rush, if they're nagging and wheedling and you sort of want to dominate them, but feel a little lost, here's the potted version:

Tell your partner that, before any of their submissive fantasies can make it onto the menu, you need to explore your dom side. Tell them that this means - in session - you'll be doing exactly what you want, there'll be no make-believe, no play, except the fiction of the power exchange. Warn them that they'll be tested.

To prepare, rewind and work out what vanilla things you enjoy might extend into being a dom. If you're flirt, perhaps you'd like to tease. If you're sometimes a bit controlling, great, this is you opportunity to control. If you enjoy being served, congratulations, you have a slave for the evening, or day, or weekend...
When you do have a session, of course you can't physically dominate your partner. However, you can completely dominate them by controlling all the action and making sure it revolves around you.

Have a whip to hand and be ready to use it to chivy them along. Assuming safety, hit them hard enough to get the response YOU want. The fact of the whipping may turn them on, but they'll still flinch and obey. The monkey self doesn't like getting hurt.

When they're not busy serving you, or being victimised, they should be waiting on you quietly, kneeling at your feet or standing at your shoulder, without squirming or complaining....

In fact, that last, is probably a good place to start.

Make them run the gauntlet of quiet submission before they get to the good stuff. "fetch my book. Pour my wine. Now kneel at my feet and wait." And make them wait, really wait, long enough to get bored, then turned on by the fact they're bored and can't do anything about it.

Eventually, once you have explored what you want from domming, then there's an opportunity for those of their fantasies that fit, as entries, interludes and finales--if they still want them :)

For spicing up your sex life with some time-limited FLR and Femdom, see my Femdom self-help guides....