A dominant mate
of mine was told by his vanilla ex - "Thank god I don't have to do any of that nasty stuff again."
Privately, he reckoned this was rubbish. “Orgasms don’t lie,” he said.
As a sub myself, I
think it’s more complicated.
Even though it’s consensual, D&S
simulates evil and feels real to the primitive parts of the brain. (Yes, I know
there’s also fluffy stuff in there about trust and intimacy.)
This simulated evil is at least half the
fun. However, it creates problems with vanilla people who haven’t had the years
to work it through.
Bad for a vanilla dom to whom it simply
*feels* morally wrong. Worse for the vanilla sub.
The vanilla sub experiences the simulated
evil direct and unmediated… the violation of will and body, the humbling and
humiliation, the forced intimacy…
…and they get off on it.
This is a supremely dark place to be and
one that challenges a person’s very identity, especially if they’ve had to
fight for self determination in this big mean world of ours.
I think the best approach is to be very
careful how you “frame” the D/S part of your relationship.
Are you all D/S is darkly romantic,
Perhaps it would be better to cushion your sub by treating it as just a bit of fun: no big thing, just make believe or an
erotic sport. Joke that you do most of the actual work and she gets most of the
Most of all, in the immediate aftermath of
your sessions, get back to normal as quick as possible!