The Chaste Manifesto: For men in default or permanent chastity and the women who prefer them that way

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A manifesto for the other, darker style of male chastity couple dynamic!

Male chastity is a great kink, but the Internet would have us believe there’s only one way to do it: she’s the “keyholder” and enjoys teasing and edging and pegging and playing games with the key and...

And that’s great. However, there’s another, darker sweet spot for male chastity relationships… one that’s surprisingly sustainable, and surprisingly easy to end up in.

It turns out that some kinky wives and girlfriends take a cheerfully ruthless attitude towards male chastity. To them, it’s a useful and perhaps amusing body modification, not worthy of much attention once it’s done. The sex is great, and would be greater still if he’d shut up about his caged man parts.

Kinky dynamics like this are not necessarily a good idea, and once established, hard to escape.

However, if that’s where you’re at, or what you want, then this manifesto — born of twenty years of chastity experience, and two years of permanent chastity — will help you make it work 

Dare you click through to this dark and probably unwise manifesto?

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CLICK HERE to download my Femdom Erotica (all written while chaste!)

(For ebook format, 

Lulu or iTunes.)

Vanilla Dominatrix now in paperback!

Somebody emailed me asking for the Vanilla Dominatrix in paperback!

And here it is!

Click To Buy Now!

It took a while - formatting for print publication is a real pain in the ass. However, it was a labour of love. Hopefully the new format will bring female-focused Femdom to even more bedrooms across the world...

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Learn how to how to walk the same Femdom path with your partner! 

GET THE "FOR HIM" MANUAL RIGHT NOW!
GET THE "FOR HER" MANUAL RIGHT NOW!

CLICK HERE to download my Femdom Erotica (all written while chaste!)

(For ebook format, 

Lulu or iTunes.)

How we ended up in a Female Led Relationship Part 3: The Withering of the Vanilla

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Vanilla Dominatrix PDF version!

As an experiment, I've added a PDF version of "The Vanilla Dominatrix". It will be very interesting if people still want to use that format!

I like my new cover!

(Click to buy the PDF.)

Why not introduce some Female Centered Femdom to your relationship?

Epub 3rd Edition of Vanilla Dominatrix is here!

The 3rd edition is now up on Lulu! It should propagate to all the other e-pub format outlets over the next week.

(If you have an earlier edition, you should be able to delete it from your device and then re-download to get a free update. Please let me know how this goes!)

Still to come: the PDF and Kindle versions...

Why not introduce some Female Centered Femdom to your relationship?

COMING SOON! Third Edition of "Getting her to be your Vanilla Dominatrix"

 Why not introduce some Female Centered Femdom to your relationship?

More from the 3rd edition of Vanilla DominatrixGodde

Companion

I'm trying to simplify my ideas, make them more focused. I think I've managed to get rid of the PIRI tables without losing the thinking behind them...

From... KNOW YOUR CUSTOMER
...

Identifying her selves

So, which is your partner?

Companion (all about you and her together)?

Diva (all about her)?

Goddess (all about you)?

Hermit (me time)?

Hermit

Actually, she probably has at least three selves depending on her energy levels.

These are useful to know even in vanilla circumstances…. especially in vanilla circumstances. A lot of the griping and sniping in relationships comes from when she’s being one thing and you’re trying to nudge her into another. For example, if she’s being Hermit and watching TV and you’re trying to chat about the show, forcing her into being Companion.

Diva

It’s not so hard to map out her selves. Get a scrap of paper or turn on your computer and open a word processor.

First, let’s get her natural self, who she is most of the time. How is she with her closest friends, the ones she hangs out with? How does she act at parties and social gatherings? Write that down and put a star next to it.

For example, my wife Xena is very much a listener who likes things to be nice for other people, and gets a quiet enjoyment when people appreciate her efforts:

*Goddess

Goddess

Now, we need her selves at different energy levels. Think through each type. When she’s being that person, is she more or less energetic than when in her natural type? List them in descending order.

For example, Xena is at her most sociable when very wide awake, or full of coffee, or stimulated by an idea. That puts Companion at the top. As she tires, she becomes impatient and just wants things her way, adding Diva to the list. Once she’s relaxed, she slots into Goddess, her natural self. Finally, when she relaxes, she switches off into cosy “me-time”. This gives me a list like this:

Companion

Diva

*Goddess

Hermit

The self at the bottom of the list is her lazy self, you tend to see a lot of that on a Friday night or after a hard day at work. The one on the top is her energetic self, which tends to be rarer as people get older.

This drop through the selves is one explanation for why most couples run into bedroom difficulties after the first couple of years. When you’re courting, you’re feeding off each other’s energy like an electric guitar placed up close to the amplifier. You’re both your energetic selves, where the sheer buzz of love is enough to blow away taboos and inhibitions. Later, when things calm down, or when life and work starts to sap your energy, you may find your lower energy selves are less sexually compatible. Worse, nothing will compare to those high energy days of your early marriage. Femdom can’t give you back your youth, but it can make those low energy selves work together in bed.

FIND THE FEMDOM WINDOWS

So, you now have Self Chart, a list of your partner’s selves (Companion, Diva, Goddess, Hermit) in descending order of energy, with her natural self marked, and her lazy self at the bottom. How does this help with Femdom?

Remember, the aim is to offer her kinky activities that she’ll actually enjoy. Considering her selfs is a great way of predicting this. For example, a Diva isn’t really interested in engaging with you so won’t be particularly up for “teasing and denial”, though might be interested in “denial” itself because that involves forcing her will on you. (If you don’t know these terms, then you’re probably not interested in that particular kink.)

We’ll call a place where Femdom might fit one of her selves a Femdom Window. It’s just a window, mind. (There’s no guarantee it’s open and you have no entitlement to go through.)

There are two types of Femdom Window:

“Extensions” merely take something she already likes and run with it. For example, if her Companion enjoys physically teasing and stringing out your orgasm, then “Tie me up” is a potential extension. Extensions are the easy ones.

“Workarounds” use kink to remove a barrier to sexual activity. For example, if her Diva doesn’t like penetration, then a potential workaround might be “Add a male chastity device”.

Sometimes, the same barrier exists in all her selves, for example a woman with a conservative upbringing might have a strong inhibition against taking the physical initiative in bed. However, the potential workaround might be very different for each of her selves and the easiest Femdom Window could well be when she’s being a Goddess.

To get through a Femdom Window, you need a "Key", that is a justification for what you are proposing.

Often this can mean “spinning” or “pitching” an activity involving one self in terms of another. Suppose, for another example, she feels sex is something she does when she’s a Companion, when she’s tired goes all Hermit, but this is forbidden because she doesn't think people should use people? Fine. Seen from the right angle, "sexual roleplay" is companionable. Being her slave is pleasurable for you, so it must be OK for her to that when she’s being a Hermit.

It can also mean using her reference points, kinky ideas with which she is familiar. Some women might enjoy being a Vampire Queen, others already have some idea of BDSM culture through reading erotica. It all depends on what books and screen she enjoys.

All this makes more sense if we work through some examples...

If you buy the current edition of Getting her to be your Vanilla Dominatrix, you can later re-download it to get the 3rd edition...

Sabbatical in Slave Land: Finale - A Damn Good Whipping (and not 'Funishment') Part 3

(Start)
"Hmmm," muses Xena. "Which whip?"

I frantically pump my muscles, trying to summon up a protective hardness in my chastity cage.

Years ago, Xena gave me a gloriously vicious whipping that had me close to tears.

It's her. She's not wearing anything special,
not pretending, just beating me.

We'd been together a few months, and in that sexperimentation stage, and I was being slave to her mistress. I think I was on my knees, wrists chained to ankles, and she beat me with that angry look of hers. But I spoiled it by doing that whole "communicate communicate" thing, by trying to turn her from a novice sadist to a service top.

Now here we are again, years of marriage later. Xena has a whip in her hand, fire in her eyes. It's her. She's not wearing anything special, not pretending, just beating me.

For my benefit or hers?

"Let's see what this one does..."

WHACK! Pain sears my shoulders. "One."

It's the solid riding whip, really just a nylon cane.

WHACK! "Two...!"

I jerk and writhe against my bonds. I've stop worrying about whether she'll follow through, or what's in her mind. I'm in the now, and I want it to stop.

"Five!" She stops. "Let's see what this one does."

The sensation fades and I want it back. Out of the corner of my eye, I see her pick up the Fred Norman flogger. Damn. It's a wonderful piece of workmanship, but it's wide soft leather makes for erotic impact, not pain.

Xena starts counting out the blows, and the sensation is... pleasant. She gets to ten then announces, "This is tiring." She puts aside the flogger and leaves me alone in the room.

I kneel there feeling disappointed, worrying about the whether, not the what. When she returns an age later and picks up the flogger again, I hiss, "That one doesn't do anything. It's just pleasant."

 Suddenly she's swinging the thing
like a tennis pro. 

"Really?" She flies into a rage. Simulated? Irritation behind pretend anger, then blending it? I don't know. It feels real. Suddenly she's swinging the thing like a tennis pro. "Does this hurt!" WHUMP! "Or this?"WHUMP!

I don't even writhe. I just kneel their moaning, wishing the pain would stop, yet unable to even contemplate unclipping my bonds. That loss of power, sense of being owned - it's satisfying in ways that are impossible to describe.

Xena stops. "Well?"

"Jesus that hurt!"

She laughs. "Too bad. Since you complained, none of these counted. We'll start again when I get back."

And that's how the next hour goes. Random breaks and angry whippings.

At last, she takes her break by getting into bed - remember, I'm chained across the foot of our kingsize. She starts to read, utterly ignoring me while I kneel there throbbing from head to toe.

Great, I'll get to go down on her.

But I hear this moist scratching sound, and the pages turn faster and Xena gives a little sigh. Sated, Xena gets up, gives me a final beating then tells me to clean up.

Soon we're tucked up in bed. She's asleep and I'm lying there, still locked in my chastity cage. My life is a success.

* * *

So, nearly a month later, I still don't know what happened that night. Was it for me? Or her? Did she pretend to herself she was doing me a favor, then get lost in it. I haven't asked.

I do know that next time, I shall approach my whipping with considerable fear, and so I am content.

If you'd like to experience something similar, take a look at my Femdom self-help guides....

Spot the dominatrix

From my Getting her to be a Vanilla Dominatrix:

According to the Kinsey Institute website:

A study looking at message board posts found 71% of heterosexual males but only 11% of heterosexual females and 12% of homosexual males prefer a dominant role when engaging in sexual bondage.

And

14% of men and 11% of women have had some sexual experience with sadomasochism”

Let’s assume that these figures are roughly correct. Roughly a tenth of straight women have played BDSM games. Out of them, one tenth identify as sexually dominant.

So, imagine there are 100 women in your widest possible social circle, only 10 of them are remotely likely to be the kind of person who’s easily BDSM friendly, and out of them one (1) identifies as sexually dominant.

If you can find her, you’re competing with between one and three other guys, and one of them’s probably her long-term partner or playmate.

For adding Femdom to your otherwise vanilla relationship, take a look at my kinky self-help guides....

Sabbatical in Slave Land: Finale - A Damn Good Whipping (and not 'Funishment') Part 2

...will Xena follow through
with gusto...?

So, I'm due at least 28 lashes, but will Xena follow through with gusto, or will it be a lack-luster perfunctory couple of flicks with the flogger? Or is my Vanilla wife too irritated to beat me?

I dither over whether the preparations I have in mind will make things better or worse. Then I realize she's in the mood to do this properly, or she's not.

I'll take the chance and go for the full fantasy.

I unpack the restraints and attach them to the foot of the bed. They're cheap Velcro webbing off Amazon but they have a massive advantage: no work for Xena - I can get in and out of them with ease, as long as I'm not distracted by, perhaps - I don't know... - somebody hitting me with a whip.

I've added a bit of chain and a luggage strap belt so that they keep me kneeling bent across the foot of the bed.

Now I won't have to use willpower to stay still for the beating. I'll be able to let go and writhe, and Xena may enjoy my helplessness and feel... empowered by it.

...tweaks an old
fantasy...

I put on an iron collar. I'm more excited by chastity belts these days. However it tweaks an old fantasy and distinguishes between me in low-key submission mode, and me as a prisoner awaiting punishment.

There's a chance it will put Xena in the right mood. (It will also protect the back of my neck from collateral damage - Xena isn't noted for her accuracy with any kind of whip.)

I remove my wedding ring and put it somewhere safe. This is not  a moment for any kind of tenderness. (Did she notice? I don't know.)

...knotted leather thongs that hurt like hailstones...

I lay out the whips. There are four of them; a short riding whip that smarts, a long dressage whip that stings like hell, a nasty home-made scourge with knotted leather thongs that hurt like hailstones... and a wonderfully crafted Fred Norman flogger.

I hesitate over the Fred Norman because it doesn't make me flinch; it's more erotic than painful. However, I'm a little unfocused in my thinking and have a vague idea Xena might use it towards the end when I am too tender for the other implements.

The demerit counter goes next to the whips. This has been a great way to let Xena hand out punishment in situations when she doesn't want to think about whips and chains. (But will she follow through....?)

Finally, the butt plug. Yes, something totally for me, and not in the spirit of punishment. However, I'm really keen to introduce it to our menu, and I know the idea intrigues and amuses her. She can always order me to it out. Ironically, as soon as I slide it in, I go limp inside my chastity cage!

I'm running out of time, so I put on the restraints and clip myself into position, waiting for my whipping. Theme music drifts over from the den. Xena's program is over. Now I'm frantically clenching and unclenching my muscles, trying to muster up the protective hardness. Nothing! Now I am scared of the beating.

More theme music - she's watching another episode. My feelings orbit between outraged and cross, to helpless and turned on--

It's her!  Not a role, or a
character she's taken on.
She really is angry..!

--until my shoulders begin to hurt. The restraints are adjustable so, panicking in case she comes in, I unclip my wrists and reattach them with the chain less taut. It's better but the the discomfort soon returns. I can only wriggle up onto the bed, and listen tensely for footfalls on the landing.

An eternity later, I hear Xena's coming towards the bedroom door. I slide back onto my knees just as it opens and she sweeps in. She's wearing a comfy T-shirt dress and sports leggings; nothing fetishistic or even elegant, though it does let me admire her curves.

Xena  glances at me, shows no surprise or particular emotion, and pads around to where I laid out the whips.

I crane my neck to see.

Xena has the demerit counter. "Twenty eight demerits, Giles! How did you earn that many?"

"I'm very irritating, mistress," I say, which is the truth.

Xena's eyes blaze.

I feel a wave or relief, followed by a delicious panic.

It's her!

Not a role, or a character she's taken on. She really is angry, and that anger is trapped inside our mistress-slave relationship. It has nowhere to go except into me!

"Yes you are, Giles," she says, and picks up the riding whip.

Oh shit, I think, straining against my bonds. She is going to follow through.

If you'd like to experience something similar, take a look at my Femdom self-help guides....

 Part 2

Sabbatical in Slave Land - 4 Day Time Lock Chastity

My hand hovers on the mouse. "OMG! I can't believe I'm going to do this:

I click through Check, Save, Start... and there I am locked up until Friday.

Up until this point I've been locking myself in increments - Overnight... 24 hours and so on. There's always been a potential end point near to hand. This time I've launched myself at Mars and gambled everything on the equipment working.

The padlock combination is encrypted and now I really can't get out, not without using tools and feeling like a failure while I do it.

And I feel aroused, awestruck and strangely relaxed. Absence of choice is a blessing. For the next four days I'll just have to live with the frustration. (I felt quite macho too, until I saw that Locked n Denied has riveted on his chastity device for a life of permanent chastity!)

And Mrs English? She likes me chaste and compliant and is coldly indifferent to my suffering... which is itself a horrible turn on for me.

It also works very well for both of us. I "enjoy" being chaste. I don't enjoy the will I?/ won't I? experience. It's just irritating. Meanwhile part of what my wife enjoys about our shadow relationship is that she can just shut off her empathy and get things done her way. Having the key would give her responsibility, or at least force her to engage with me.

For actually building a Femdom corner of your relationship where you can both enjoy playing with male chastity, see my Femdom how-to guides...

Sabbatical in Slave Land - First Night Disaster - More Trust

So my wife falls asleep and I'm lying there in my chastity cage. I'm sensibly wearing supporting underwear, but  there are other problems:

I've drunk too much coffee that day and had curry for dinner - end result I keep having the urge to pee.

Then there's the issue of not being able to masturbate. It's been a long few weeks at work and - thanks also to the coffee - my brain keeps going round and round. I'm not pornographically turned on, but normally I'd calm myself by taking a mental trip to one of my  fantasy worlds, get off and go to sleep.

Now, instead I'm tossing - the wrong sort! - and turning and making toilet trips. Add to that the problem of not feeling like I would ever get to sleep, which is self-fulfilling!

Thus, neither of us had a good night's rest, and it was all my fault; I should have had alternative sleeping arrangements as a backup.

The next night, we're both exhausted and any sort of sexual activity is off the menu. I get a little passively pushy, she gets irritated and I start to panic that she'll pull the rug out. But - get this! - she gives me a demerit for disorganizing her wardrobe when putting clothes away (click!), one for the broken night (click!), and one for being pushy (click!). Each click of the counter reverberates in my cage.

Wife gets a foot and back rub - no extras! - and a cuddle,  then passes out.

I've got a sleeping bag in the lounge, but I don't need it. I'm out like a light. It's part that I know I can go to sleep - after all I dropped off on the previous night, but mostly that I trust her to stay in role. If I make her cross, there will be consequences, but they'll be Femdom ones.

It was a very secure "compliant husband" who fell asleep that night.

In the morning, she ate breakfast in bed and gave me my tasks as if it were the most natural thing in the world.

For spicing up your sex life with some time limited FLR, see my Femdom self-help guides....

Sabbatical in Slave Land - Trust

"What are you doing this evening?" asks my wife just before she goes out with the girls.

"Well," I say, "Since I'm being 'compliant husband', I thought I would work through those chores."

"Oh!" She laughs. "I hadn't realized."

I wave my hand at here. I'm wearing a discrete wrist band. "Remember? We talked about this."

Compliant Husband

"Ah. I was thinking that the wristband was supposed to mean something."

Now it's my turn to laugh. "I've been 'compliant husband' all day yesterday and today! Are you saying you couldn't tell the difference?"

"Well I was feeling well looked after..."

* * *

We're at the start of what in my How to be a Roman Dominatrix book I call a "sabbatical".

I'm on the beach  at home for a couple of weeks and she's working weekdays only and not on call. A while back she agreed I could be her "compliant husband" during this golden window.

Compliant Husband is our low key mode. I'm not much different from a submissive old fashioned housewife except for the chastity device, the demerit counter, and the possibility of darker slave/mistress sessions. I'm myself, but I don't argue with her and I do chores to her satisfaction. Pretty much time-limited FLR.

We also agreed in general I would flag my chaste compliant status with a wristband; this gives her a "take it or leave it" choice without having to actually say "no".

But she's forgotten everything!

* * *

I mentally squirm because this is not a moment for talking about erotic things. I'm scared of rejection, scared of losing the Femdom. But we're not talking about sex or fetish here, just service so I stick to my guns.

"So, what do you want me to do?" I ask - a nice neutral question that could let her terminate the experience if she wants.

"Oh well. Give the bedroom a proper clean - dust and vacuum. And there's a wash that needs to go on..."

She comes back later, tired and full of food;  she has work tomorrow and no kind of sex is on the menu tonight. I give her a foot rub which turns me on horribly, but just makes her ready to sleep.

I don't pester. The point of being a compliant husband is that I comply! So soon we're sitting up in bed reading.

"What are you going to do tomorrow?" she asks.

"I'm trying to decide..." I say, an open answer to an open question.

"Do the kitchen," she says, "I proper deep clean."

"OK," I say.

"And leave that thing of yours on."

"OK. That way you'll get better service in the morning."

"That's what I was thinking." She gives me a cat like expression. "And in the evening." She kisses me. "Good night."

My penis rears up inside its cage and I'm still hard when I come back from tossing the key in bushes outside our front door. She, however, is asleep.

* * *

People talk about "trust" in D&S. In our kind of relationship, the most important trust is the one she has in me: she trusts me not to presume or pester, to really be a compliant husband or slave. (The fabulous Ferns says something similar.)

There may, or may not, be wilder BDSM later this week. If it happens, it'll be all the more intense for several days of chastity on my part.

And the house will be clean and tidy.

For spicing up your sex life with some time limited FLR, see my Femdom self-help guides....

Her Majesty's Plaything reviews "Getting Her to be a Vanilla Dominatrix"

I've been following Her Majesty's Plaything for ages. He's much harder core  - more Fet scene - than I am, or would want to be:

I have explored kink in the context of my personal relationships and have been known to frequent the occasional dungeon in my travels. My goal is to deeply explore my submissive sexuality and continue to nurture a D/s relationship with the love of my life; my wife of twenty two years.

But that's just down to personal taste and kink/rest-of-life balance. His philosophy is essentially the same as mine; his submission is about his partner, not him. He also doesn't pull his punches.

For this reason I was both thrilled and a little scared when he accepted a review copy of Getting Her to be a Vanilla Dominatrix, and then wrote a review! (If you've just tuned in, this book is all about how to get your vanilla partner to dominate you, and to enjoy doing it.)

He just posed his review of my Femdom manual:

[iTunes][Epub][Kindle][Nook]

He kicked off by discussing the perils of being a sub and went on to remark:

Flying in the face of... accepted wisdom Giles English proposes that our best chance of finding happiness is to explore Femdom with someone we love.

He goes on to give a very good summary of my book, and finally sums up:

...the idea is to base your Femdom explorations on qualities your lover already possesses rather than trying to build on something that isn't there. I agree with that approach and have [long ago] applied similar principles in my own relationship with Her Majesty to positive effect.

Given how very experienced and how widely-read this Femdom blogger is, I am both thrilled and relieved he approved of my manual!

If this piques your interest in my Femdom manual, take a look at the Amazon preview!

How to be a Roman Dominatrix published!

My new femdom how-to guide is now available on Kindle! It's for adventurous female readers who want to dominate their man, but are "vanilla", meaning not naturally kinky.

As you might imagine from the title, it's based on the (very hot) idea that Ancient Roman ladies routinely owned male slaves for pleasure!

What Roman slavery can teach  us about enjoying modern Femdom

Why the obsession with Ancient Roman slave owners?

This -

 

Yes,  a Roman lady... enjoying her slave. 

Authentic slavery means kink for him, vanilla for her

From her point of view, nothing kinky is going on. She's just enjoying  a quick licking the way a modern woman might take out her vibrator. 

From his point of view... well, it ticks many of the Femdom boxes: Oral Service, Male Nude Female Clothed, Humiliation, Objectification, Denial, Teasing (accidental) and, if he's wearing a theca, Male Chastity! If she's feeling playful, then there will be other kinks as well.

Roman-style slavery just works!

This asymmetry is a revelation! What if, instead of trying to tune in to her submissive husband or boyfriend's fantasies, the modern vanilla dominatrix simply treated him as an authentic slave?

Sure, it wouldn't deliver everything he'd spent years imagining, but it would give him a dose of 100% authentic slavery - no guilt, no second guessing, just service and suffering. 

Better yet, she'd know exactly what to do with her slave, because she'd be entirely suiting herself and relying on the situation to generate the kink for him.

And that's what my book "How to be a Roman Dominatrix" is about.

Why she won't admit to enjoying Femdom even if she does

Can she face herself?

So, you've introduced Femdom to your relationship. It's probably not as theatrical as you'd like, but your wife or girlfriend seems to go along with it quite happily. Perhaps she teases and torments you with gusto, or has no qualms lying back and being served and serviced. She's certainly getting her rocks off.

But you still feel tense about the whole thing, as if one wrong word and the Femdom will go away.

If only she'd admit to enjoying Femdom! Or better yet ask for it! Then you could relax.

There's a good chance she won't anytime soon.

The position of a Vanilla Dominatrix is far more complicated than that of a subbish partner.


Morally, domming feels wrong. Nice people don't exploit, tease, humiliate or hurt their lovers, or anybody else. It takes a while to come to terms with being a little bit evil, and then to feel safe in admitting that to a partner. Perhaps she feels guilty because your kink doesn't turn her on, but all the things it provides does.


She may also want to control the descent into kink. Becoming openly enthusiastic might trigger more demands from you that she'll enjoy less. What else do you have lurking in the toy box?


Finally... well... there's the possibility that she enjoys you in a chastity belt more than without, and doesn't want to tell you this in case it hurts your feelings.

I know that BDSM culture has a strong emphasis on communication. However, that's between players who are already  comfortable with their roles. In this case, wait and see.

If it ain't broke, don't fix it!

For more advice on getting your wife or girlfriend to dominate you, take a look at my Femdom guide, now available for Nook.

How to turn your wife or girlfriend into a sadist...

Well, you can't. And if you could - if you could press a mind modification button to make it happen - you shouldn't. 

However, if you give her the opportunity to explore Femdom in the right way, then experience shows she may well discover a sadistic streak. I've just read a book by Steven Pinker that in briefly talking about sadism explains how this works:

When we experience something we don't like, we feel aversion. When the experience stops, we feel a buzz of relief.

The neat thing is that the aversion wears out, leaving us with an increasingly intense buzz. This is why some things are an acquired taste. Chili, for example, or bungee jumping.

Why the - call it - rebound buzz? Perhaps the aversion module temporally burns out, so the buzz is there by contrast, like when you hit the shower after a run. Perhaps it's some Darwinian thing - the buzz is a reward for persisting in something you don't enjoy.

It doesn't really matter. The point is that the rebound buzz happens at the animal level, is visceral and automatic.

So if your partner whips, first beats to spanks you, then at first she may feel a very human aversion to causing pain, but when she stops doing it, she gets a rebound buzz. After a while, the rebound buzz becomes more intense and the aversion fades away.

Congratulations, your wife or girlfriend now enjoys hurting you. That makes her a sadist.

But how do you get her to hit you in the first place? Use the techniques in my Femdom how-to book, The Vanilla Dominatrix. Pick activities you think she'll like, suggest them, and, with consent, follow through (for godssake) by setting them up.

If you do this - only introduce activities that offer her something - then the whip or hairbrush usually first appear as a means to an end of her liking: "Here's a whip. Feel free to use it to direct me as I make love to you/do the chores."

Steven Pinker calls this "Instrumental Violence", violence done as a way of getting something. It's something humans cheerfully use whenever they feel morally OK about it, not just in the dim distant past, or in 3rd-world hellholes and 1st-world crime zones, but also on the civilised sports field. This makes it the easy one to get her to do, especially if it demonstrably produces results she enjoys ("Lick faster!" THWACK!!!)

(from "he stoops to worhsip")

Now the taboo's broken, the way opens for two more delicious kinds of violence: "Dominance Violence", in which she strikes you to show she's in charge; and  "Revenge Violence", which extends this into retaliation for slights - in other words, if she's cross, she hits you.

As described in my book, once you've got all three kinds of violence going, you've arrived at that dark point where the Femdom corner of your relationship feels real.

If Steven Pinker's theories are right, it should be round about now that she also starts to enjoy beating you for it's own sake. You'd better have a good firewall in place...

Q: Why isn't this a book for my wife to read so she can learn how to dominate me?

(Click for erotic fantasy)

Well, first, would you let a stranger write your love letters for you?

But also, if you're in any doubt that she'll be instantly enthusiastic to try Femdom in bed, do you think there's much chance of her reading a book on it?

Generally, if you want to introduce a friend or partner to a new hobby, you, not she, must make the effort.

If it was golf, or hill walking, or tango dancing, you'd arrange a taster session, and make it as easy and pleasant as possible so she could discover whether and how she liked it herself, without your pressure to put her off.

Why should Femdom be different? Your fantasy, your responsibility!

Ancient Roman femdom

A million miles and 2000 years
from a fetish dominatrix...

So, what's so special about Roman women?

If you read forum Femdom advice, it's all about how he can persuade her to do this or that, or how she can make him feel something, usually "used", "objectified" or "denied".

If you're persuading and she's making you feel something, then it's all an illusion! For example, she can't be using and objectifying you, because in setting out to create that effect she is treating you as a person.

And another one; how can she become more dominant? If you're truly submitting, why would she need to be dominant?

There's nothing wrong with her setting out to create a kinky effect on you, but now we're in the territory of Femdom as service - fine if she's already kinky, or has the time an energy to be playful, but not so easy when she just wants to kick back and relax, or if she doesn't regard Femdom as a hobby.

It's also true that the reality is darker and more enticing than the game. Wouldn't it be nice to truly be used, objectified, or toyed with and tormented? To be a real slave, if only for a short time and with a safety net?

I decided to explore this in some erotica about Ancient Rome, where women really did own male slaves. However, what I found catapulted me into completing the femdom manual I'd been tinkering with.

In a nutshell, the Femdom fantasies were all true!

Some Roman women did casually use their male slaves as sex toys or lovers, and did keep them in male chastity belts called "thecas" or "seedpods". There's even good evidence for male prostitutes, presumably slaves, providing cunnilingus to female clients.

Real slavery is nasty and evil, but the Romans didn't see things that way. They took it for granted. So these all-using, all-objectifying Roman dominatrixes weren't kinky fetishists. Nor did they have to negotiate, or dress up in thigh boots and strut. They were just vanilla women who took for granted that they had power over a male slave.

..and yet capable of spreading their legs and ordering "lick"
without even thinking about the slave's reaction.

The women may have been vanilla, but the results were kinky!

Plenty of  accidental teasing and denial, permanent chastity, corporal punishment, objectification and worship. Better yet, the men - the slaves - didn't have to plead or nag for it.

Now, I'm sure many or most of those real slaves were utterly miserable. However, imagine if you had a chance to take one's place for a day...?

And that's what's important about the Roman slave mistress.

Her  power is real, she is utterly unselfconsciously self-centred in her dealings with her slave, and yet that genuine power relationship generates awesomely hot femdom action.

Better yet, she is actually prepared to pay for a slave - a far cry from modern wives and girlfriends having one foisted on them by drooling partners acting like double-glazing salesmen!

Despite being vanilla, the Roman mistress chooses to keep a male slave because her total power over him ensures that she can get what she wants and no more. The benefits far outweigh the inconvenience of managing a slave.

Wouldn't it be... interesting... to offer your partner the same sort of power, with the rider that if she wants you to act like a slave, then she must also treat you like one? That's what The Vanilla Dominatrix is all about.

UPDATE: I've also written a  book for female readers - How to be a Roman Dominatrix.

Why write a Femdom relationship book?

I am in  a relationship with a happy Femdom element. However, when I started down this road, I made a lot of mistakes. It took me ages to realise that they even were mistakes, to shed my sense of entitlement.

Hanging out on the Internet helped, and it didn't help. There's a lot of bad advice and one-handed typing out there. There are also too many one-size-fits all solutions.

While finding my own path, I've watched other people succeed, fail, and of course fantasise. I've also compared notes with kinky friends in real life, and online.

So, over the year, I've had the good fortune to work out how it's done, not just for myself, but for others.

By it, I mean authentic Femdom.

And by authentic Femdom, I mean a style of relationship where she really is in charge, getting what she wants and enjoying it too--

--and that's without you nagging, steal submitting, or manipulating your way to it.

The trick, I realised, is that there is no trick - just as there's no perfect chat up line. Stop telling her what she can do to make you her slave, and start working out what you as a slave can do for her.

It means giving up on a few fantasies that don't quite fit who you both are.

It also means accepting that Femdom mimics ancient evils, either patriachy inverted, or slavery. Rather than try to get around this by constructing a crumbling gynosupremicist philosophy, it's better to embrace that evil within a firewall.

Finally, it means accepting that this is a male fantasy, so the man has to do most of the work to make it happen.

So, I was never going to write a Uniquely Rika, focused on guiding a woman to take control 24/7. There's nothing wrong with FLR/WLM, but it's not for me, and nor is it a realistic outlet for most men with submissive urges.

Instead, I wanted to show submissive men how to sell themselves as part-time slaves to their wives or girlfriends, entirely on the vanilla benefits.

Really, it's fine if, for her, a back rub is just a back rub, or oral sex is just oral sex. The kink is in the way she gets it on demand, without consequences or obligations.

However, I still needed an angle. Something to hang the idea on.

And then I discovered something scary and fabulous about Ancient Roman ladies and their male slaves...