Wednesday, 9 April 2014

More from the 3rd edition of Vanilla DominatrixGodde

I'm trying to simplify my ideas, make them more focused. I think I've managed to get rid of the PIRI tables without losing the thinking behind them...


Identifying her selves

So, which is your partner?
Companion (all about you and her together)?
Diva (all about her)?
Goddess (all about you)?
Hermit (me time)?
Actually, she probably has at least three selves depending on her energy levels.
These are useful to know even in vanilla circumstances…. especially in vanilla circumstances. A lot of the griping and sniping in relationships comes from when she’s being one thing and you’re trying to nudge her into another. For example, if she’s being Hermit and watching TV and you’re trying to chat about the show, forcing her into being Companion.
It’s not so hard to map out her selves. Get a scrap of paper or turn on your computer and open a word processor.
First, let’s get her natural self, who she is most of the time. How is she with her closest friends, the ones she hangs out with? How does she act at parties and social gatherings? Write that down and put a star next to it.
For example, my wife Xena is very much a listener who likes things to be nice for other people, and gets a quiet enjoyment when people appreciate her efforts:


Now, we need her selves at different energy levels. Think through each type. When she’s being that person, is she more or less energetic than when in her natural type? List them in descending order.
For example, Xena is at her most sociable when very wide awake, or full of coffee, or stimulated by an idea. That puts Companion at the top. As she tires, she becomes impatient and just wants things her way, adding Diva to the list. Once she’s relaxed, she slots into Goddess, her natural self. Finally, when she relaxes, she switches off into cosy “me-time”. This gives me a list like this:


The self at the bottom of the list is her lazy self, you tend to see a lot of that on a Friday night or after a hard day at work. The one on the top is her energetic self, which tends to be rarer as people get older.

This drop through the selves is one explanation for why most couples run into bedroom difficulties after the first couple of years. When you’re courting, you’re feeding off each other’s energy like an electric guitar placed up close to the amplifier. You’re both your energetic selves, where the sheer buzz of love is enough to blow away taboos and inhibitions. Later, when things calm down, or when life and work starts to sap your energy, you may find your lower energy selves are less sexually compatible. Worse, nothing will compare to those high energy days of your early marriage. Femdom can’t give you back your youth, but it can make those low energy selves work together in bed.


So, you now have Self Chart, a list of your partner’s selves (Companion, Diva, Goddess, Hermit) in descending order of energy, with her natural self marked, and her lazy self at the bottom. How does this help with Femdom?
Remember, the aim is to offer her kinky activities that she’ll actually enjoy. Considering her selfs is a great way of predicting this. For example, a Diva isn’t really interested in engaging with you so won’t be particularly up for “teasing and denial”, though might be interested in “denial” itself because that involves forcing her will on you. (If you don’t know these terms, then you’re probably not interested in that particular kink.)
We’ll call a place where Femdom might fit one of her selves a Femdom Window. It’s just a window, mind. (There’s no guarantee it’s open and you have no entitlement to go through.)
There are two types of Femdom Window:
Extensions merely take something she already likes and run with it. For example, if her Companion enjoys physically teasing and stringing out your orgasm, then “Tie me up” is a potential extension. Extensions are the easy ones.
Workaroundsuse kink to remove a barrier to sexual activity. For example, if her Diva doesn’t like penetration, then a potential workaround might be “Add a male chastity device”.
Sometimes, the same barrier exists in all her selves, for example a woman with a conservative upbringing might have a strong inhibition against taking the physical initiative in bed. However, the potential workaround might be very different for each of her selves and the easiest Femdom Window could well be when she’s being a Goddess.
To get through a Femdom Window, you need a "Key", that is a justification for what you are proposing.
Often this can mean “spinning” or “pitching” an activity involving one self in terms of another. Suppose, for another example, she feels sex is something she does when she’s a Companion, when she’s tired goes all Hermit, but this is forbidden because she doesn't think people should use people? Fine. Seen from the right angle, "sexual roleplay" is companionable. Being her slave is pleasurable for you, so it must be OK for her to that when she’s being a Hermit.
It can also mean using her reference points, kinky ideas with which she is familiar. Some women might enjoy being a Vampire Queen, others already have some idea of BDSM culture through reading erotica. It all depends on what books and screen she enjoys.

All this makes more sense if we work through some examples...

If you buy the current edition of Getting her to be your Vanilla Dominatrix, you can later re-download it to get the 3rd edition...


  1. Great work! Personally I would maintain the PIRI map, the version you made in the other post has become useful due to the named columns and rows. It can help to identify the archetype by answering some simple questions about the column and row titles. In the original book the PIRI map is very prominent used trough out the next chapters, there the archetype and modes can come in handy without using the PIRI map, but as a first step I think it is still valuable.

  2. Good point about the named rows. I might keep repeating the table as a reminder.


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