How we ended up in a Female Led Relationship Part 4: Conclusions

(I'm backtracking to work out how we ended up in a Female Led Relationship --  see part  1. )

So, now we're in a Female Led Relationship.

Not only does Xena set me chores and targets, I also anticipate them, and she hands out demerits and then beatings if I don't meet her expectations.

The bedroom phase of our evening starts with me kneeling in the corner awaiting orders, which she takes entirely for granted.

She gets a good foot rub and often a massage each night. At the weekend I sometimes get lucky and get to pleasure her. Sometimes things get more intense and there are whips and chains, and boots and stockings.

Meanwhile I'm in chastity.

I'm always in a device when practical and always for any intimate action. I haven't had an orgasm for over 100 days. When I am horny, I crave not a fuck or a chance to wank, but rather a chance to pleasure her and enjoy the reflected orgasm.

I don't know how I feel about all this.

Though I've fantasized about being a real life modern slave since my adolescence, part of the kick of the fantasy was its darkness. I certainly didn't imagine this is what my domestic life would look like in my late 40s!

I can't claim that this doesn't make me happy. Since my total surrender to Xena, we've both noticed that I am more relaxed, more focused.

Part of that is to do with personality. The roots of my submissive streak are existential, not erotic. Part of me wants to be controlled, to submit, to shrug off the burden of choice.

Mostly, though, it's a relationship thing.

When I'm not a sexual submissive
I am a raunchy, playful sex maniac.

When I'm not a sexual submissive I am a raunchy, playful sex maniac.

What I wanted -- and expected -- from marriage was to be like that couple in Local Hero, romantic with an infinite appetite for each other, always sloping off for a quicky. It turns out that for most of us, marriage doesn't work out that way. We end up spiraling towards the dead bedroom, occasionally clawing our way outward with tricks like new lingerie, experimental sex positions, and second honeymoons. The more the higher-desire partner pushes, the more the lower desire partner recoils. Throw in job loss and money worries, and what you have is a virtually sex free marriage.

Until the start of this year, I saw my role as keeper of our sex life. It was my job to read self help books and pester Xena into bed. It was stressful, unrewarding, and since it turned the sex into my thing, unfruitful. It's a lot easier to accept the inevitable and embrace chaste Femdom in the bedroom.

It's a similar story for the domesticity. As breadwinner, Xena feels cheated and let down if I don't hold up my side of the partnership by running our home to her standards. I have a simple choice between arguing about housework and feeling guilty all the time, or just doing as I am told.

Now we don't argue anymore and our sex
life is wildly erotic compared to the last
decade 

So, in short, I was making myself miserable trying to have an equal relationship with Xena when that simply wasn't available. Now we don't argue anymore and our sex life is wildly erotic compared to the last decade. So of course I'm happier than I was.

However, I can't stand on the outside to get a perspective on all this! Experiences shape us, immersive experiences do so at an alarming rate. Also, my new role pervades my entire life. I haven't had an orgasm since the beginning of our FLR.

Which leads me to another point. I cannot claim to have acted particularly wisely.

More than once I was driven by short term turn on when I nudged things in the direction of a Female Led Relationship. I didn't have to hand over my orgasms to Xena, and surely I must have seen where things would go when I suggested she demerit me outside of Femdom sessions. I also did most of my negotiating while chaste.

Was I following some primal instinct, or just a kinky fool risking his relationship? I have no way of knowing.

Finally, there's the question of how we ended up here. Though I've set out numbered stages, I am not sure the precise order really mattered. It's more like a perfect storm.

1. We developed a part-time Femdom dynamic that was pretty much a more intense version of an FLR.
2. In our vanilla relationship, circumstances shifted the power and control in Xena's direction. Supporting her and meeting her reasonable domestic expectations became indistinguishable from submitting to her. Maintaining boundaries caused friction. I had to choose between vanilla and Femdom.
3. Since, thanks to the Dead Bedroom, Femdom had long become our only mutually satisfying sexual outlet, it was better to give up on autonomy I did not have than to damage the precious intimacy with the woman I love.
4. Therefore, Female Led Relationship.

...ultimately, the economy made
me a slave.

However, the Dead Bedroom is partly a result of circumstances -- me losing my job, Xena worrying about money and so working long and hard and getting stressed. If I got a high-paying job tomorrow, hired domestic help and paid off our credit cards, we might well return to a romance-fuelled vigorous, if a little sporadic, vanilla sex life with a Femdom track just like before only better--you don't need to be in a FLR to enjoy Femdom!

So ultimately, the economy made me a slave.

I wouldn't suggest economic dependency as a strategy for a man seeking to turn his marriage to a Female Led Relationship. Rather than slip into dominating me, other wives would have left or cheated, or simply moved into the spare bedroom and retreated into a sexless life routine of work and TV.

However, if the idea of a Female Led Relationship makes you happy, then I think the best strategy is to develop a female-focused Femdom track to your relationship. Once you have that, then Vanilla to Femdom becomes a spectrum, not a gulf.

My books can help you introduce Female Centered Femdom to your relationship. It's much much more satisfying than just reading about it and yearning!

How we ended up in a Female Led Relationship Part 3: The Withering of the Vanilla

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How we ended up in a Female Led Relationship Part 2: 360 Degree Trust

(I'm backtracking to work out how we ended up in a Female Led Relationship --  see part  1.)

Stage 5: Femdom Sabbaticals start (about a year ago)

About a year ago, there was a two-week hole in my diary; no contracts, not sporting engagements. Xena agreed that I could spend it as her slave, then more or less forgot (though interestingly she didn't notice that I had been submissive for two days running!) and needed reminded.

...my god it hurt

It was an interesting two weeks. I learned the uncomfortable truth that I really am a submissive, and we both enjoyed the lack of conflict and the tidy house. In other words, we had a sample of the FLR lifestyle and found it fitted us both beautifully.

It was also something of a shakedown cruise. I nearly ruined the whole thing by over-sharing and topping from the bottom, all things that put Xena off Femdom in the past. However (as we shall see) I learned my lesson, and Xena handled my failings within the Femdom context.

From then on, whenever a weekend or part of a weekend was clear, we'd make a sabbatical of it; me serving and going to sleep as her chaste slave, then serving the next day until whatever commitment our busy lives had lined up.

Stage 6: Real angry punishment and full 360 degree trust (about a year ago)

During that first sabbatical, I was bugging and demanding, and Xena's irritation mounted. However, rather than calling the whole thing off, she handed out demerits and then gave me my first genuine punishment. It really was a punishment, she really was angry, and my god it hurt.

Victorian-style thigh-high socks!

Apart from being incredibly hot to think about, and to serve in the shadow of, this was a watershed. I could trust her not to break role, even when I  genuinely made her angry.  She could trust me to be her slave, even when she dished out experiences I would rather avoid. Call it 360-degree trust.

Christmas boots

Stage 7: Xena takes ownership of the Femdom (just under five months ago)

We had a romantic weekend planned, and Xena declared she would "bring her Christmas boots", meaning the sexy knee-length boots she bought in the Christmas Sales, the ones she knew I wanted her to wear when she dommed me.

This was the first time ever she had spontaneously suggested something to make the Femdom sexier. The way was open for me to get her to help pick Victorian-style thigh-high socks and shop for sex toys.

Stage 8: Xena turns sadist

There followed a second entirely successful two-week sabbatical at home, then our "romantic" weekend. By the end of it, Xena had definitely started to embrace her sadistic side. (Ouch).

---

100% authentic, mutually enjoyable
 and reliable part-time Femdom

At this point we had finally arrived at 100% authentic, mutually enjoyable and reliable part-time Femdom, pretty much my Holy Grail.

True, the only "sex" we were having was Femdom sex.

However (a) at least we were having that -- many middle-aged couples just have a dead bedroom, and (b) this was supposed to be a temporary holding strategy.

We could have continued like this indefinitely. However, instead, we toppled over into a Female Led Relationship. I think this was almost entirely because of our particular personalities, and our respective work situations. However, it will take some more thought to untangle.

(See Part 3)

Don't just read about other people enjoying Femdom! Why not introduce some Female Centered Femdom to your relationship?

How we ended up in a Female Led Relationship Part 1: Making it real and routine

More than a hundred days in, and we're still in a Female Led Relationship. I'm trying to work out how we got here!

There are clues in my blog, but most of the important steps only turn out to be important looking back. Worse, Xena isn't big on talking about stuff like this!

Here's what I think happened..

Stage 1: The Femdom became 100% real and routine (leading up to two years ago)

...she really was treating
me as a slave.

Over the preceding five years or so, I'd taken the approach set out in Getting Her to be a Vanilla Dominatrix; I tried to tailor all my Femdom suggestions around Xena and her various moods. There were setbacks, I messed up a few times. Even so, Xena started to ask for her slave from time-to-time. 

The big breakthrough came -- as she once let slip -- when she realized she could treat me "how the hell I like". First this meant falling asleep without considering my erotic needs. Finally, one memorable weekend away, she realized that she could enjoy Femdom without any erotic action at all. She ordered a massage and then fell asleep, leaving me chaste.

If that sounds frustrating, it was. However, it was also utterly hot and deeply satisfying because she really was treating me as a slave. 

Stage 2: Dead Bedroom except for Femdom (culminating about a year and a half ago)

The Femdom "sex"...was doing fine

This happens to an alarming proportion of married couples in middle age. Despite loving me, and being an affectionate wife, Xena simply lost interest in our sex life. Lots of things were to blame: boredom and familiarity; stress at work; and me losing my job, which seems to have triggered an odd evolutionary psychological effect in her. Vanilla sex became uninvolving, infrequent, unintimate. The Femdom "sex" -- with me in a chastity device -- however, was doing fine.

I read the usual self help guides for married couples, some useful, some dry as dust. However nothing made much difference because she simply wasn't interested. Sometime during the next few stages I simply gave up; I had already found a cure for the Dead Bedroom.

Stage 3: Xena asks for Femdom to be the default intimacy (a year and a half ago ago)

About a year ago, Xena asked -- in her round about way -- if we could stop having penetrative sex and stick to Femdom in the bedroom. I initially hedged, but ultimately agreed. The Femdom was so much more exciting than the depressing vanilla sex, and I would in any case trade my orgasms for hers.

Stage 4: A practical 24/7 male chastity device (a year and a half ago)

...a cheap Chinese chastity device

Spurred on by Xena's request, I splashed out and bought a cheap Chinese chastity device. (It was fine, though I would advise anybody now to go straight to the Holy Trainer 2.)

Up to this point I had been using a DIY chastity device made out of polypropylene webbing. It was actually pretty good, however not really practical for spending time outside the house or in the company of others. 

The way was open for longer periods as a slave...

(See Part 2)

Dare you introduce some Female Centered Femdom to your relationship?