Monday, 31 March 2014

Revisiting the PIRI Modes

Following on from my last posts, and spurred by a useful comment from one Maarten, here's a diagram that might help:

Now let's see if I can improve the descriptions!

Here's a redraft of the opening of that chapter...


For our purposes, a woman  fits one of four archetypes or stereotypes at any given time. Which depends on her energy levels and her mood.


A Companion shares her feelings and wants to hear about yours. It's all about give and take, interactivity. 

At work, she thrives in brainstorming sessions or small creative teams where people bounce ideas and feed off each other. Socially, she's all about chatting and bantering. She's the same when it comes to courting, she's all about deep conversations or shared flirtatious banter. 

In a relationship, she's all about shared decision making and consensus. She's not a good person to watch TV with unless you want to discuss the program.

In vanilla sex, everything's mutual. If the Companion is done to, she's also doing. If she's underneath, she's shifting and using her muscles. If you're having oral sex, it'll be in the 69 position.

In Femdom, the Companion gravitates to the most mutuality. This could mean turning service top, planning out scenes in detail. However, she's most comfortable going with the flow of your erotic encounter. If she's teasing you on the edge of orgasm, or inflicting pain, she's also getting loudly turned on herself. If she's making you suffer to prove your love, then she's also praising you for your bravery; "Come on honey, just another twenty lashes..."

Your orgasm is usually part of the fun for her, and the tenderness of aftercare sometimes the best bit.


A Goddess doesn't reveal her feelings but is interested in yours.

At work, she's the coolly efficient colleague nobody can do without, but nobody seems to get close to. Socially, she's charming but a better listener than talker. She may also be a quiet show off, enjoying looking good without making a fuss about it. In courtship she's the vamp; the men have to do all the running while she sits there looking good and perhaps a little amused.

In a relationship, she's can go two ways. Everything can be all about you proving your devotion to her. You spend your life fetching and carrying for her, rubbing her feet while she watches TV, and she has the final say on major decisions, all the while taking your compliance for granted. However, she can also surprise you with thoughtful gifts and treats, and go to great lengths to make you happy.

In vanilla sex she's either stunningly passive, or physically dominant. She's happy to lie back while you worship her, covering her in kisses, pouring on the praise. However, if she's feeling energetic, then she turns technician; lie back and have the ride of your life! She may also be an wonderful exhibitionist, but you never know whether it's for you or her.

In Femdom, the Goddess can behave much as she does in vanilla sex. For example, she'll lie back and be worshipped by a gushingly grateful slave, but she may turn his worship into some kind of ordeal test. Perhaps his chastity device stays on, or getting close enough to worship means getting close enough to be whipped. 

When she's in the mood, she's also an awesome "service top", enjoying using kink to push your buttons while giving not much away herself. However, she's equally capable of turning cold sadist or calculating tease. She most certainly will not gag you. Whimper and squirm all you like, it will just feed her enjoyment. And of course, she enjoys ordinary service, as telepathic as possible.

Your orgasm is normally the ultimate tribute (though its denial may be even more interesting for her). Aftercare will amuse her.


A Diva is one of life's steamrollers, a force of nature. You're there just to validate her self image, or as a blank canvas.

At work she's either an inspirational leader, or one of those pushy people who gets things done. She's happiest as a boss, or as the terrifying personal assistant of a boss. If she works alone or as a solo specialist, then she's probably some kind of designer or management consultant. She knows best and will impose her vision on the world. She may also be some kind of performer, a motormouth comedian or stunningly sensual singer.

Socially, she makes things happen but doesn't necessarily stick around to see the results. If you go drinking with her, expect to visit a dozen bars or clubs, have conversations with strangers, and to watch her dance but somehow fail to quite dance with her. In courtship, she's direct and challenging and impatient with social customs. Mostly, a lover's purpose is to prove how magnificent she is.

In a relationship, it's her way or the highway. Where the Goddess likes to get her way to prove how much she is loved, the Diva just likes to get her way. She's the kind of partner who gives you gifts designed to make you  a better person (in her eyes), expect gym memberships, smart suits, improving books. Like the Goddess, she enjoys being pampered, but wants the pampering without the fuss.

In bed, the Diva knows what she likes, expects it and expects you to stick to it. If she says, "Kiss my left breast" she means "left breast", not "nipple", not "flanks", and keep your hands to yourself. Spontaneity on your part will not be rewarded.

She may be disconcertingly noisy, but she's not really interested in hearing your cries of pleasure.  If she does things for you, don't bother giving her feedback, you'll just get a "Who's doing this? You or me?"

In Femdom, the Diva is slightly terrifying. Don't expect her to service top, and any negotiations will be about limits and safewords, not scripts. If she enjoys service, expect it to be backed up by ferocious discipline and expect to be micromanaged.

If she does things to you, then don't expect much tenderness. Where your pleasure is involved, she'll be drawn to toys with on/off buttons, or handling your genitals with rough efficiency. If she's into giving pain, expect pain. And she'll probably gag you. It's enough to know you're suffering, she doesn't need to hear you go on about it. 

She may be interested in your orgasm, but don't expect much in the way of aftercare; you wanted this, so stop fussing and make me a cup of tea.


The Hermit just wants everybody to go away so she can be alone. She has no desire to share her feelings and no interest in yours.

At work, she's a technical specialist or total nerd, the kind you find still at work at 6am surrounded by stacks of pizzas. Give her some instructions and let her get on with it. Please don't invite her to any meetings. If she works alone, then she does something Internet-based that lets her stay in her home office.

Socially she's only a grudging presence and seldom sticks around after putting in an appearance. If she goes to the cinema, it's to see the film, and she's quite happy making solo visits to museums and galleries. In courtship she's usually illusive and impossible to pin down, but can suddenly open up physically, without however making any verbal commitment to anything.

In a relationship, the Hermit feels more like a roommate than a lover. She'll negotiate quite reasonably, but then regard things as settled once and for all. Her attitude is, "Of course I still love you, otherwise I would have left. Now, pass the TV remote control."

In bed, the Hermit is usually cold an uninvolving. Sex is just mutual masturbation, please don't make a fuss about it. Once she's done, she loses interest. Don't forget to grab your coat on the way out... and if you live with her, try not to snore.

In Femdom, the Hermit is not interested in making any effort whatsoever. Don't expect kinky clothing or cool sex toys. She probably won't even shave her legs. However, she will cheerfully use you as a real slave. Be seen and not heard, willing to fetch and carry or wait quietly for what will seem like hours and you may find yourself giving her a massage or serving her orally. Forget your orgasm, though, or any chance of after care.

* * *
Hopefully you'll recognize these people! However, you'll also have observed that very few normal people are the same person in all circumstances. For example, a woman who is a Diva at work may be a Hermit at home, and a Goddess when courting. Bed may be the only place where she feels free to be a Companion, or she may flip between Goddess and Diva depending on her mood.

You'll also notice that Goddess and Diva are two sides of the same coin. The Goddess is good at listening, the Diva at talking, but neither are any good at conversation. Some people are like this in bed, unable to handle the messiness of mutuality, but able to comfortably give (Goddess) and take (Diva).

The trick when introducing Femdom to a vanilla partner is to suggest activities to fit her available modes. For example, a Diva won't be much interested in tying you up and teasing you!

Which modes are available depends on five things (I'll introduce them here, and then go into them in detail in the rest of the chapter):
  • What's her natural mode, the person she is most comfortable being? Femdom may fit most easily into that mode, or may come as a fantastic relief. A natural Diva, for example, may find vanilla sex awkward and unsustainable.
  • What's her lazy mode, the person she is when she is mentally or physically tired? In along term relationship, what with work and modern living, this is the person you are most likely to see in bed on a Friday night. A natural Companion, might subside into a sleepy Goddess.
  • What relevant erotic taboos does she have? Most people have sexual taboos, things they feel they are not supposed to do. We're interested in ones to do with mode. For example, a woman with romantic notions might feel that sex should never take place in Hermit mode.
  • What relevant erotic prescriptions does she have? Most people prescriptions about how sex should be. Again, we're interested in the ones we can put on the mode chart. For example, a woman might feel that one should "never give in to men", meaning she can't have sex in Goddess mode.
  • Finally, what erotic inhibitions does she have? These don't really show up on the chart, but matter for two reasons. First, they identify things we should not suggest. If she is inhibited about natural functions, then anal play is probably off the menu! Second, they suggest kinky workarounds. For example if she is inhibited about penis-in-vagina sex, you might want to wear a male chastity device.

Taken together, natural mode, lazy mode, taboos, prescriptions and inhibitions often conspire to get in the way of vanilla sex, especially as we get older and the hormonal drives fade.

Approached right, kink, especially Femdom, can be a fix for this in one of two ways:
  • It can act as a workaround against taboos, inhibitions and prescriptions. We've already seen the chastity device against a penetration taboo. Suppose, for another example, she feels sex belongs in Companion mode (prescription) but her Lazy mode is Hermit, and she doesn't think people should use people (Taboo)? Fine. Seen from the right angle, "sexual roleplay" is companionable. Being her slave is pleasurable for you, so it must be OK to do that in Hermit mode.
  • It can act as an extension of what she already likes. For example, suppose she already likes her sex in Goddess mode? Offering to be her chaste worshipper might just push her buttons.
The rest of this chapter will help you get to grips with this system by working through some examples...

[EDIT: Image updated. New edition is shaping up to be simpler and more streamlined even than this. If you buy the current edition, you can update to the new edition when it comes by re-downloading from your amazon library.]

Friday, 28 March 2014

Naming help, anybody? (Better terms for the PIRI modes)

The main criticism of my Vanilla Dominatrix book boils down to it requiring you to be a bit geeky or intellectual to get the central idea, the PIRI Modes:

  • Interact: Talking, playing, making love. Interacting with the people around her. 
  • Project: Bossing, managing, creating, expressing, discoursing, lecturing, playing music. Giving a blow job. Projecting herself on the people around her. 
  • Resonate: Listening, basking in adulation, watching, absorbing. Receiving cunnilingus. Resonating to the people around her. 
  • Ignore: Getting on with things in her own space. Masturbating. Ignoring the people around her. 

These modes are really helpful in making sense of what kinky activities your vanilla partner might enjoy:

...especially if you look at energy levels:
So, for example, in this diagram both Extrovert and Introvert start off in Interact, then take different routes to Ignore.

I think the biggest issue is that the names are not intuitive enough, and thus hard to remember. My problem is that the names need to make equal sense in non sexual, vanilla sexual and kinky situations!

Possible schemes include:

Jazz Era:


Fairy Tale:

Modern archetypes:

Connected Mode
 Diva Mode
Goddess Mode
 Me Time Mode

None of these schemes are perfect! Suggestions welcome...

Why not introduce some Female Centered Femdom to your relationship?

Thursday, 27 March 2014

Showering in your Holy Trainer 2

Since I am now under orders to wear my chastity device whenever practical, I thought I had better test out showering in it.

So, this morning I took a shower in my Holy Trainer 2.

It was a proper shower.

I soaped my man-parts and used the shower-head to squirt water up the tube. I can't speak for the earlier version, but the Version 2 showed no signs of softening in the heat, just a slight tackiness to the surface.

I dried, using the hair drier on my genitals (low setting). I had to take some care over the angle between cock and balls, since that's one spot that doesn't get air circulation. I also blew cool air direct into the tube, which circulated well enough.

The scrotum seemed to look after itself! Unlike with my Chinese device, there was no need to pull the skin back and forward to removed trapped water from the A-ring; the Holy Trainer's plastic seems to repel water.

Then I started my morning routine of chasing contracts.

It was as simple as that--

--which kind of surprised me. I did not expect a tube chastity device to be quite so practical.

A few hours later, I removed the tube to take a look. Everything was dry.

I've no idea if other middle range devices are as good as this. However, it seems to me that the Holy Trainer 2 is fine for showering in, and so suitable for longer term 24/7 wear.

I wear my chastity device because my mistress wife tells me to. Why not find out how to introduce Femdom to your relationship?

Tuesday, 25 March 2014

Holy Trainer 2 Review: 5 nights sleeping in chastity

"I used to feel I had to ask your permission to belt up before sleep," I remark as I give Xena her pre-sleep backrub.

51 days of denial mean that I get hard just touching her skin... of course the Holy Trainer doesn't let me get an erection. Earlier rubbing her feet I went into a kind of fugue state and she gave me a demerit.

"Now," I continue, "I feel I have to ask your permission not to belt up."

It is not always easy to settle down to sleep in a chastity device
when you're sharing the bed with a beautiful woman you love.
"Too right," says Xena.

"So," I continue, risking pushing a little. "I've been wearing the Holy Trainer most nights, but what are the rules?"

"Where it whenever it's needed," says my wife.

I chuckle. "You need to be more specific than that."

"At night," says Xena. "Otherwise you might masturbate - which is how this all started."

"What? Oh." This is news to me. "And during the day when on my own?"

"Yes," says Xena.

"OK," I say, and I can say OK because the so far the Holy Trainer has been no trouble at all.

No period of adjustment, no chafing or teething troubles.

I could have taken it straight out of the box when it
arrived, cleaned it and installed it and just left it on!
I honestly believe I could have taken it straight out of the box when it arrived, cleaned it and installed it and just left it on!

So that's how we've lived for the last five days.

I wear the Holy Trainer each night, take it off to go to the local gym, then belt up for the rest of the day unless I have some evening sporting activity. I'm not wearing 24/7, but I'm more in than out and I've slept five nights in the device.

It is not always easy to settle down to sleep in a chastity device when you're sharing the bed with a beautiful woman you love! Sometimes I just have to lie there and squirm, waves of lust rippling out from my trapped penis.

Even so, I have generally slept very soundly indeed.

For a start - with a good snug fit - answering the call of nature is no problem. If the head of my cock is squished against the end of the tube, then the slit is aligned with the slot. I don't even have to look. No messing around with Q-tips and endless handfuls of toilet paper.

The snugly fitting tube lies quite naturally against the balls, meaning that everything is where it normally is. There's no need to lie in an odd position;  I can even lie on my front! There's also no need to wear briefs to provide support (it helps that the Holy Trainer is really light), and no padlock to clunk around, getting in the way and unbalancing things. The A-ring also conforms to the body. Mostly I hardly know it's there.

In general, erections are no problem. The tube format means no bars to dig into the sensitive penis head or to chafe my shaft. The erection remains pointed down, there's no sense that the device is going to slide off.

The Holy Trainer doesn't prevent morning wood, but nor does it turn it into a physical torture. My penis inflates so strongly that the Holy Trainer ends up perched over the head like one of those penicap devices! Even so, the device remains in place and, more importantly, there's no pain. I remember being woken up with by the Chinese, feeling like my cock was being forced through a colander while a gorilla was trying to rear off my balls. No so the Holy Trainer. The sensation is odd, and tight, but not painful. EDIT: Smaller ring appears to fix morning wood problem.

So, when I'm turned on, the Holy Trainer is there, trapping, restraining, sealing, but never hurting. When I'm relaxed and sleepy, it's just a comforting presence around my genitals. I sleep soundly and wake refreshed and perhaps a little smug.

(I would like very much to wear the device for 24 hours solid some time soon, and I certainly plan to test having a shower while wearing it.)

If you aren't careful what you wish for, then why not try using my Femdom self help books to add some chastity to your relationship?

Monday, 24 March 2014

Amibivalence: Sadism, Masochism and Slavery in our Female Led Relationship

...we never really came back from our
"romantic" weekend away
What started off as a two week chaste lead-in to a week of playing at slavery has ended up as 51 days (and counting!) of chastity and denial within the context of a Female Led Relationship.

In a sense, we never really came back from our "romantic" weekend away.

I find it very difficult to explain my feelings about all this. It used to be simple; I could distinguish between my Fantasy Slave Self and my Vanilla Normal Self. Now the two have collapsed together leaving me a little confused.

The Female Led Relationship just feels comfortable (not something I expected).

We don't argue about chores any more, Xena is less stressed because she can come home to a neat house, and her ability to give me demerits stops her feeling cross because I'm forcing her to nag. Similarly, just giving up and surrendering control of the sex to her is an immense relief since I've been the one carrying the banner for the marriage bed for the last few years.

Now we come to my enslavement.

Xena is matter of fact about being in charge, but shows no inclination to disrupt my life outside the home, or make important decisions without me. However, beneath the day to day companionship, I am very much Xena's slave. Though I might complain sometimes, or even call her crazy (51 days of denial! WTF?), I can't imagine disobeying her.

 I find being her slave
surprisingly comfortable
and even romantic
I do all the housework to whatever standard she sets. In the evening I wait on her hand on foot - not in a high protocol way, but when she calls I come and do her bidding. If I displease her, she gives me demerits which lead to unpleasant beatings, and she controls my orgasms.

Again, I find being her slave surprisingly comfortable and even romantic. On a deep level I feel possessed or owned. This makes her sometimes arbitrary power deeply reassuring and at the same time very sexy.

However, being a (consenting, of course!) slave is also an adventure the way going trekking in the Himalayas is an adventure.

Doing the chores has become an exciting game with a beating as reward for failure; Dust-bunnies in the hall? 3 demerits. (Ouch!) Our sex life has become a roller coaster ride over which I have absolutely no control.

And then there are the hazards of slavery; chastity and punishment. Like the domestic service, they are also real.

 I will whimper and plead, and
even, maybe weep
It's eight weeks since I had an orgasm and, when Xena takes up the riding whip to administer my rapidly accumulating demerits I will whimper and plead, and even, maybe weep.

This is where the ambivalence--being of two minds--starts to come in. Without these hazards, there would be no wonderful sense of slavery. The snag is, they have to be real. Funishment, a pretend whipping for erotic kicks, wouldn't make me a "real" slave. In fact, it would undermine my sense of Xena as my owner.

The same goes for the indeterminate period of chastity and denial, though that's a little more complicated.

Sure, there is a sense of enduring and suffering frustration. However, the longer I stay chaste, the more it feels normal--even preferable!--, the more feel myself losing my grip on my manhood.

Finally we come to my masochism and Xena's growing sadism.

The thing is that my powerless suffering turns me on. Masochism is the point where the different brain modules go their different ways. When some of my brain modules are going, "Argh! Arg! Let me out of here!" my sex module is going "Wow! I am turned on."

So though a beating turns me off while it's happening, the fact of a beating makes my cock rear in its prison. Similarly, the fact of my seemingly endless sexual frustration turns me on, making me even more frustrated.

In other words, if I liked any of this stuff, it would get me hard.

Meanwhile, Xena is developing sadistic tendencies. If I liked any of this stuff, she wouldn't do it.

Of course, the panicky awareness of how much my wife enjoys mistreating me is itself a turn on...

And, looking up at all this I feel at once triumphant that I am living my fantasy, and a little shocked at how far we have drifted from normality.


You too could be equally confused! Why use my books to introduce some Female Centered Femdom to your relationship?

Saturday, 22 March 2014

Xena whimsically puts off my release yet another day!

"49 days!" I gasped.
Last night I was rubbing Xena's feet and the clock passed midnight. "49 days!" I gasped.

Xena didn't even look up from her book.

Suddenly the enormity of it hit me. I got suddenly very, very hard inside my new Holy Trainer. (An odd sensation, different from the cage, but the plastic held, thank god!) I groaned, writhed as best I could kneeling.

"Keep rubbing my feet," said Xena.

I had a sensation like a bead forcing its way out of my head and the pressure eased. I went back to her feet. Later doing my ablutions, I found I had leaked a little precum.

Happy and contented, I slept well and woke triumphant; the Holy Trainer is the first device I've had that is no problem at night.

Triumph quickly turned to disaster.

I unlocked and dashed off to a sporting activity leaving the kitchen a mess, and no milk in the fridge. Worse some of the lads and their wives were due to come by for lunch, meaning Xena had to tidy up before we arrived.

I learned all this when she rang me to complain. However, she did not hand out any demerits.

I hate that! Without demerits, I'm just a henpecked husband who doesn't get any sex.

Tonight, before I did the kitchen I apologized... not in a theatrical way, just said sorry for leaving everything like that. Xena said that the worst of it was having to drink her tea black.

Finally I cracked. "You didn't give me any demerits."

Xena's eyes blazed, half amused, half triumphant. "Well you can have five - one for milk, four for the kitchen."

"Ouch!" I click the counter, bringing it up to 39. I'm not looking forward to the whipping, but her power over me makes my cock rear.

"Will we do demerits tonight?" I ask.

"I'm not really in a demerit mood," says Xena.

"But if I don't get whipped, then I don't get to come," I say, sounding rather plaintive. This is all getting too real.

Xena smiles sweetly. "Too bad," she says.

As I tidy the kitchen, I realize for the hundredth time that this is how it works. Xena is no sort of service top. It's only satisfying for her if it is real, meaning she's always going to push things just beyond what I would consent to and, because of my kink, there is nothing I can do about it.

Don't just read this and feel wistful! One of my Femdom self help books can help you introduce kink to your relationship even if your wife is firmly vanilla!

Friday, 21 March 2014

Holy Trainer 2.0 (2014) Review: First impressions

"Omigod I never want to take this thing off!"
Find out how to get some of this in your life!
"Omigod I never want to take this thing off!"

I'm looking at myself in the mirror. The new Holy Trainer, a "gift" from Xena, sits on my genitals like it belongs.

The absence of a padlock makes it at once more pleasing on the eye and more scary. It also has a designed rather than engineered feel.

Later that evening I show it to my wife.

"It looks pretty good," she says.
Find out how to get some of this in your life!
"It looks pretty good," she says.

It's the first time my wife has said anything positive about the various chastity devices I've worn and her praise makes me want to preen.

So, OK, it passes the aesthetics test. It does look good.

What else? Mostly everything Thumper said in his review of the earlier version of the Holy Trainer.

I can pee standing up while wearing the Holy Trainer with no problem. I took Thumper's advice and went for the smaller version so that it was snug. The head of my dick generally fits the end nicely and the slit lines up with the slot. If I'm a bit shriveled due to the British climate, I can press the tube in towards my body and the slit automatically lines up.

It's comfortable, scarily "you never need take this off ever again" comfortable. Smooth contours and snug fit mean that it's pretty much what you'd get if you - God forbid! - daubed your dick with plastic; it lies naturally, neither sticking out too much nor squishing your balls into an odd shape. I slept the night in it with no problem, and no morning wood grief.

The small version is sized just about the same as the A080 Chinese device from DHGate, though it fits more snugly and lies better.

EDIT: Be careful with ring sizing.

It's secure; not escape proof, because ball traps aren't but the snug fit, the shape of the tube, the raised and forward position of the A-ring, and a neat little projection at the opening, make it proof against casual fingers and probably impossible to escape when hard. The slot at the end is just wide enough for hygiene, but short enough to prevent stimulation of the underside of the head of the penis.

Will it break or chafe? I suspect not. However, only time will tell. Longer review next week, I think.

EDIT: It did break, three times! Twice the company replaced the device. If you are only using the device from time to time, it's still a pretty good deal. However, you might want to wait for the Holy Trainer 3. 
UPDATE: The replacement is fine after nearly 6 months, so I suspect they've fixed their materials.

Other Reviews of the Holy Trainer Chastity Device

Don't resign yourself to wearing a device in secret, or -- worse -- reading reviews and never buying! When we started out, my wife was vanilla. Use my manuals to help you walk the same Femdom path! There's one for him, and one for her

Thursday, 20 March 2014

Final review of cheap Chinese Chastity devices A080 and A081 from DHGate

I'm wearing my new Holy Trainer 2.0 as I type this, so I guess I won't be using my stainless steel chastity devices from China again (unless something goes wrong)!

I settled on the A080
The Chinese devices - well, device really, since I settled on the A080, deserve a review since they changed our marriage.

Ultimately, the money we paid for the Holy Trainer was peanuts. However, over GBP 100 for a sex toy feels like an extravagance!

This purchase was only possible because Xena had embraced the idea... actually picked it up and run with it, leaving me chaste for what's looking like 49 days of chastity and denial.

That enthusiasm was only possible because of the cheap Chinese Chastity devices now available!

It's hard, almost impossible, to get a partner to embrace a kink unless they can experience it. However, until recently, the financial barrier to entry to the male chastity experience was way beyond the level of an impulse purchase. There was also the problem of knowing what to get. Buying a chastity device online is a bit like ordering shoes for a sport you are new to, ones that you can't return if they don't fit...

Then along came DHGate and the cheap Chinese knock-offs. For less than the price of a couple of pizzas, you can get a device to experiment with. To a certain extent, you get what you pay for and I have been fortunate that both my devices appear to be stainless steel and are made to a reasonable standard.

So, here's my review:


Both chastity devices arrived well within the promised delivery time and were as described.


Welding etc seemed fine. There were no sharp edges, though the corners on the A-ring locking post can feel spiky.


I have worn the A080 chastity device for up to five days with no problems. Peeing was no problem. The usual advice applies; shower carefully, pull the scrotum around to wash the entire surface, and do the same when drying with a hairdryer on a low heat setting.


It's a ball-gripping chastity cage. It's not secure. However, it never fell off randomly, and I was able to apply my piercing-free anti-pullout system.


As long as you mask the rattle of the padlock and don't wear skintight clothes, nobody will notice.


Once I got the right size, the device was comfortable to wear. (The main thing is to get the smallest device you know will fit.)

Morning wood wasn't a problem at first, however after a few days it became uncomfortable. This was in part the effect of tumescence repeatedly mashing the head of the penis against the bars. Presumably after a few days it becomes bruised and sensitive! That sensation I could cope with.

However, the main issues was feeling that the A-ring was trying to tear off my balls! The square cross section is fine for a couple of days, but then starts to chafe. The fix is to use a bigger ring and put some plastic pipe over it.

Long term wear

In my experience, unmodified, this design is only good for up to five days, less if you are physically active.

My customization might extend that, but then there's the issue of getting water between the piping and the A-ring.


If you identify a reliable supplier, then one of these two cheap Chinese chastity devices is a great lo-risk way of introducing your partner to male chastity without spending so much money they simply get cross with you.

Eventually, you'll want to move on to something more expensive. When you do, you'll have a much better understanding of what you want, and experience with sizing.

Also, the higher end chastity devices will have improved--for example, the Holy Trainer 2.0 I'm wearing now has only just come onto the market. I'm glad I waited a year before upgrading!

Once you have a chastity device, you still have to introduce your partner to the idea. I've written some books that might help you. Why not take a look?

Sunday, 16 March 2014

Xena casually extends my chastity and denial period by one week!

"Oh well," says Xena sweetly. "You might as well wait until next weekend."

"What? You're crazy!" I say, even as my cock rears up in its cage. "That's nearly 50 days!"

"Well if you won't take your demerits then you don't get an orgasm," says Xena.

It's Saturday night.

In theory I should be getting my orgasm after a forty two day period of chastity and denial. However, and I'm tired, too tired to face the beating I'm due.

...she's wearing some rather nice thigh-length socks - or are they stockings?
The problem is that I didn't sleep well on Friday. Xena was exhausted from work, too exhausted to enjoy more than a massage.

When I suggested "a quicky" she banned me from taking the sexual initiative ever again then fell asleep with an "I love you."

I lay there squirming, vaguely horrified that she had casually taken complete control of my sexuality and at the same time horribly turned on by it.

Meanwhile a strong wind got up making our old Victorian house creak and rattle. What I really needed to do was masturbate just to calm myself down, but of course I hadn't been able to do that for forty two days!

So now, Saturday, I just can't face 30 or so strokes of the riding whip. Even so I'm horny as hell as I give Xena her back rub. It doesn't help that she's wearing some rather nice thigh-length socks - or are they stockings? - and looks as if she's stepped out of my Seafood flapper porn novel.

I laugh.

"What?" she says.

I say, "I can't believe you just did that. And that I can't stop you."

Xena sounds matter of fact. (Sometimes she reminds me of Anya from Buffy)"You wanted me to be in control. So I am."

Earlier in the evening, she'd remarked, "You might want to go and buy a nice bottle of wine."

I'd hurried off into the wind and rain and brought back her favorite red. However it had made me feel out of sorts. On arriving home I'd explained that she needed to be clear when she was giving an order;  "I need you to do..." or even, "Go and do...". Otherwise I would never know when it was OK to argue with her - she doesn't want me to stop being a companion and partner! - and I would never have the opportunity to make a romantic gesture.

So I guess she took that onboard!

"It's for the sake of your eyesight," she jokes. To her it's just funny.

As I thumb her back and shoulder blades, stealing glimpses of the way her warm socks hug her thighs, it comes home to me that I can't even suggest going down on her. I realize - not for the first time - that I have no power anyway. Consent is something of  a joke when your negotiating position is so poor!

...a sepia-tinted vision of Xena in woolen stockings just like the
old photos of Flappers that turn me on so
I wouldn't do anything to risk the Femdom anyway, but without it, I'd have no real sexual relationship with the woman I love.

Better to have uncomfortably long periods of chastity than no chastity! Better to have couple nights when nothing happens than never have anything happen on a couple night!

Better to be a slave in an erotically charged boudoir than a frustrated husband in a dead bedroom.

After a while, Xena rolls over and pulls the covers up and lets me wait under the duvet at her feet.

The light under the duvet is monochrome, and I am treated to a sepia-tinted vision of Xena in woolen stockings just like the old photos of Flappers that so turn me on.

It's enough.

I can go without sex, without orgasm forever, if that forever is punctuated by moments like this when reality tips over and pours into fantasy!

At last she orders me to go down on her. I enter the picture face first, hard in my chastity device.

Life is good.

EDIT The next day she lets me order a Holy Trainer 2!

If you've read this far, I bet you'd like to introduce some Female Centered Femdom to your relationship!

Friday, 14 March 2014

How to make your cheap Chinese Chastity Device comfortable

I wore my A081 chastity device 24/7 during our intense Femdom sabbatical.

At first it was great. A cage lets you do things, go places, a full belt doesn't (which is why I threw away my old DIY chastity device). The pubic hair anti-pullout fix worked fine.

However, after a while I started to chafe... badly. Worse, "morning wood" felt like my cock was trying to rip off my testicles.

My first response was "Damn it, if this is my sex life, then I'm getting a decent device." I probably will - the Holy Trainer Version 2 looks good.

However, remember the bit about being semi-employed? It's not easy to justify blowing so much cash on a sex toy.

So, when I got home, I set about making the device I had comfortable. It was surprisingly easy:

  • I already had a neoprene strip as a shroud for the bolt.
  • A soft plastic pipe salvaged from a plumbing part fitted neatly around the slightly larger A-ring I had from an earlier device. (Very important to bevel the edges so that they squash into each other when you close it, thus avoiding pinching.)

This is what the end result looked like:

It feels much much more comfortable. Morning wood is no problem whatsoever - I just lie in bed and flashback to all the hot Femdom I've been experiencing :)

Even so, the cage end bruises my cock if I keep I getting aroused and even with the shroud, the locking post digs into my pubis when I bend over. These are not short term issues, but I think in the long run I want a Holy Trainer.

EDIT: I now have a Holy Trainer 2 Male Chastity Device. Read my reviews!

Why not introduce some Female Centered Femdom to your relationship?

Thursday, 13 March 2014

Demerits and Domestic Service

Our Sabbatical in Slaveland is long over, but I'm 
still subject to demerits for domestic chores, 
which Xena is increasingly matter of fact 
about applying.
The corner shop doesn't have first class stamps. I think, To hell with it, I'll wait until Xena gets home. She'll have stamps in her handbag.

But even as I'm thinking that, I'm already heading off to walk three blocks to the next shop.

And so Xena's application form goes off well and truly on time.

When I get home, I hang out the washing. Later, after spending most of the day chasing a contract - looking good, by the way - I bring in the washing, add it to the mound of fresh clothes... then carefully sort and fold away everything.

It keeps happening like this. I keep going the extra mile.

Our Sabbatical in Slaveland is long over, but I'm still subject to demerits for domestic chores, which Xena is increasingly matter of fact about applying. For instance, the other day I forgot to buy yogurt for desert... we're sitting at the table having a normal conversation like a normal couple, but Xena casually tells me to add another demerit.

I'm not afraid of the whippings, even though 
they are real punishment
I'm not afraid of the whippings, even though they are real punishment and nothing I would subject myself to just for erotic kicks - what with the sports I do, I'm quite robust - but my unconscious is.

Or perhaps submitting to discipline is enough to make my unconscious take my servitude seriously?

The odd thing is how much I am enjoying this arrangement!

I really don't get a kick out of the chores themselves. Domestic service was always something I played at.

It was an excuse for a whipping, or a kind of bribe to Xena to get her to do Femdom. Now I'm a contented house slave, chasing dust bunnies and cleaning up smudges.

What I think is now going on is this:

  • The chores need doing anyway, so the prospect of demerits and hence a whipping turns the drudgery into an adventure.
  • Total surrender is less stressful than deciding when and how to push back against Xena's domestic demands - exactly what share should a semi-employed househusband do?
  • There's a zen to just getting on with a task to a high standard.
  • It's an expression of our relationship... I mean, if we were having lots of romantic sex, then I would probably do the chores in a romantic way and feel good about it. As it is, we're having lots of Femdom one-sided sex, so domestic servitude works in a similar way.
  • Domestic service is satisfying by association, since it implies demerits implies acknowledging our shared sexuality in non-sexual situations. For a middle aged married couple, any acknowledgment like that is a wonderful thing.
  • A pristine house makes Xena happy. Slavery is an act of giving.

Why not introduce some Female Centered Femdom to your relationship?

Tuesday, 11 March 2014

Become her Roman Slave: Using Female-centered Femdom to bring kinky life to your dead bedroom (Draft introduction)

(I've finally got my act together to start work on "Become her Roman Slave: Using Female-centered Femdom to bring kinky life to your dead bedroom.")

It’s the dark secret of modern marriage - no matter how deep your love, the middle-aged master bedroom is a dead one.
Sure, it sees moments of passion by chance, or on vacation, or at those moments when life changes and you feel sexually alive to each other. Mostly though, you consider yourself fortunate if you have lack-luster sex once a month.
They didn’t tell us this when we got married (unless those remarks about the importance of working at relationships were code for “the sex runs out, try to take up an absorbing hobby”). Even so, it’s a secret hidden in plain sight. It’s there in popular humor, in those awful seaside postcards of yesteryear, in the jokes people make at work, and in TV comedy. It’s also there in the sex therapy industry - all those self help books, couple’s retreats, and marriage therapists driving around in expensive cars. And then there are the sex studies.
It all boils down to a three uncomfortable facts of life:
(1)Romantic love lasts a year if you are lucky.
(2)Sexual interest wanes after about seven years.
(3)The more equal and stable the couple, the less sex they have.
Most of us accept the fading of romantic love as long as it sparks from time to time. We just can’t cope with that level of intensity day-in-day out, and we’re happy to trade it for the deeper more solid love that comes from a long term relationship.
However, we’re horrified by the waning of sexual interest.
Why the waning?
Some couple therapists think the “higher desire partner” chases the “lower desire partner” into a corner. In other words, the partner who wants sex the most pesters the less horny partner for sex so much that it turns them off rather than on.
Perhaps this is true in the short term.
However, if that was the whole truth, you’d expect the “lower desire partner” to be in a rush to set limits and get the sex working again, which is not — frankly — what you see in real life. Instead, the “lower desire partner” simply disinvests in sex, leaving the higher desire partner high and dry, bouncing between anger and self-doubt: “Let’s go to sex therapy so we can have more sex” - “But I’m not interested in having more sex.”
This is not “men are horny but women want cuddles thing”. Either partner can be the “higher desire one”. However, if you are reading this book, then you are a husband trying to restore your sex life with your wife.
(For brevity, I’ll use “husband and wife” to mean “man and woman in permanent monogamous relationship whether or not you are formally married”. I’m not trying to exclude gay couples; it’s just that I can’t write confidently about them. If you’re gay and any of this works for you, please let me know…)
Why has your wife disinvested in sex? (Remember, husbands do this too, but that’s not what this book is about.)
It’s possible that you have become a sexist slob and so now turn her off. However I bet you’ve already gone to a lot of effort to lose the beer gut, curb your bad temper and support her in her career, so let’s assume not.
It’s possible she’s exhausted by the demands of middle-aged life, typically work and children. However, studies show that horny couples find time and energy anyway. After all, in theory she could give up yoga or step aerobics to practice the Kama Sutra with you instead.
If it’s not you or your lifestyle, what is it?
Could it be that the dead bedroom is “natural”.
For all that we remain strongly bonded by love, perhaps we’re not “supposed” to keep having sex after seven or eight years. Back in the pre-birth control primal past, seven years would be about time to stop making babies and make a good job of raising the ones we have. In the grand scheme of things, securing the future of the next generation far outweighs a little middle-aged sexual frustration.
Perhaps our sense of adventure acts as a built in timer. When we’re young, sex is an adventure but it’s hard to feel like Indiana Jones when the territory is mapped and all the pitfalls known. Similarly, the things that make for good companionship further erode the sense of mystery, and hence the sexual tension.
Finally, there’s mounting evidence that the old fashioned gender roles, though the suck, work well in the bedroom. This disheartening information is also not very useful, since we would not want to turn the clock back to the repulsive world of the Mad Men.
This takes us to the third uncomfortable fact I mentioned: The more equal and stable the couple, the less sex they have.
WTF? How unfair is that?
Embrace equality - Feminism, if you like - regard your wife as your equal, your best friend, your life companion, and you’ll have less sex than the knuckle dragging Neanderthal next door. Worse - if the studies are to be believed - it’ll be less mutually satisfactory sex. Yes, Mrs Neanderthal likes it that way (which is presumably why she married him). The same goes for stability - stormy couples with deep seated issues get plenty of makeup sex (which is perhaps why they do it), just like in that Fleetwood Mac song.
Again this is probably nature at work. However, that’s not very helpful. You’re not a sexist pig and your wife wouldn’t want you to be that way. Nor are you in some crazy chaotic marriage that crowds out your other hopes and dreams, hence perhaps your dead bedroom.
So the dead bedroom could be hardwired (by God or Evolution, or both, take your pick), a natural phenomenon like droughts and forest fires, and hurricanes… I don’t know about you, but I’d rather be happy than natural.
So now you’re at a crossroads with four paths:
1. Divorce - but you love your wife, and there’s a shared life—kids, perhaps—in which you are deeply invested. Also, who’s to say this won’t happen all over again.
2. Affairs - some couples make this work with “open relationships” and polyamory. That could be your path (if so; good luck, play safe, go buy a different self help book) but it sounds rather time consuming and risky, not to mention that if you are like me, you would prefer to be monogamous.
3. Therapy - whether in-office or self help, but that requires time and money and buy-in from your wife, and is also perhaps unrealistic; we saw that the dead bedroom is probably natural.
4. Kink - “Spicing things up” is almost a cliche, but that’s what a lot of middle aged couples do. If your wife just read 50 Shades of Grey and wants you to dominate her, put this book down and go learn to “top”. Otherwise, given the title, I guess you are hoping spicing things up means, experimenting with Femdom. That’s what this book is about, which leads me to to the title; Become her Roman Slave.
Take a look at my favorite picture on earth:

It’s from an Ancient Roman wall painting in Pompeii, Italy. Some Roman ladies, you see, used their male slaves for pleasure. (We know he’s her slave because he is dressed and she is not, and because Romans thought cunnilingus was demeaning and unmanly.)
What you’re seeing here isn’t a sex act. She’s merely enjoying slave-assisted masturbation. Prior to going down on her, he probably gave her a nice massage. He’ll still be horny later when he serves her wine while she reads a book or chats to friends. He may even be locked into a male chastity device - the Romans called these “seed pods”. And of course, if he falls short of expectations then he can look forward to a whipping.
Imagine being her Roman slave for just one day. You’d be getting as much kink as you could handle; chastity, denial, objectification, humiliation, domestic service, oral service, teasing (though not intentional), and finally corporal punishment… all those things and yet without her needing to feel kinky or even notice your existence.
That’s Phase One of the Roman Slave approach; establishing yourself as her “real” slave so that you can make an end run around her lack of interest in sex and land squarely in her relaxation and masturbation space. It’s much much easier to get somebody to be selfish than to be cruel, not least because being selfish is easy whereas cruelty requires effort.
With luck, the cruelty — the delicious sadism - happens naturally in Phase Two, though I will show you how to help it along. Power really does corrupt, especially if backed by a sense of permission and entitlement, which is of course what the first phase creates…
You’ll notice, though, that the Roman slave has little or no control and that the “dynamic” doesn’t have much to do with modern BDSM culture. He doesn’t negotiate scenes with his mistress, nor try to direct the action through a battery of safewords. No matter how much he may enjoy the action, everything that happens is for her benefit or else is part of the logic of slavery.
So, that’s what this book is about; how to approach your wife in the right way and establish yourself as her Roman-style slave so convincingly that the power feels real to both of you, leading her to move from using and abusing you to playing out sadistic games at your expense.
Around about now, you’re probably wandering whether this is all a little manipulative!
I hope not.
There’s nothing wrong with thinking about your relationship, nor with reading books to help you do this. Nor is it wrong to be tactical in your approaches to your wife. If you wanted a blow job, or an expensive set of golf clubs, you would chose your moment and pick your words with care. Why does Femdom have to be different?
Or perhaps you feel uncomfortable with the idea of pursuing a secret program, of approaching the bedroom with an agenda?
Don’t worry. I’m not asking you to lie to your wife. You can tell her the truth about this book; that it will help you explore Femdom with her and that not everything in it will be her or your cup of tea, which is fine because she’s very much in charge.
After a while, that mistress-slave relationship will start to feel natural, so natural that you may start to wonder whether perhaps Femdom is as natural a arrangement as the knuckle dragging alternative.

Read on if you dare…

This book will be a while coming! In the mean time, why not try one of my other Female Centered Femdom self help books?

Monday, 10 March 2014

"Consent Lite": Consensual non-consent, safewords and authentic slavery

Previously on Become Her Slave: I stroke her hair and she teases me about how many days I must to wait before an orgasm, I say, "Just so you know, that whipping was wasn't remotely erotic. I really wanted it to end..."

Xena interrupts with a laugh. "I know."

"...but nothing on earth would have made me ask you to stop," I complete.

 "And if you had asked, I still wouldn't have stopped," says Xena sweetly, and I know instantly that she means it. 
I want her to take my submission for

Find out how to make this happen in your life!
Later, I mentioned the time she fell asleep after oral sex, leaving me on my knees at her feet.

Xena smiled and said, "That's when I realized I could do what the hell I liked with you."

Just hearing those words got me hard inside my chastity device. They also gave me a strong sense of contentment and validation.

I want her to take my submission for granted.

Letting go and accepting my slavery is the best relationship thing I have ever done. I have not been so happy with my sex life since I first got laid. Oddly, though, I have not had actual sex for months...

Why no safewords?

Yes, though BDSM culture is big on safe words, we aren't... and that makes us both happy.

Actually, not only don't we have a safe word, we don't have a traffic light system which would enable me to steer Xena away from particular activities or intensities without breaking character.

 want to be her real slave
 Learn how you can become the 
real slave of the woman you love!
It's partly because Xena's attitude to Femdom is "my way or the highway".

Like most vanilla wives and girlfriends of enthusiastic subs, she doesn't actually need kink the way I do.

Femdom is only worth her while if it is little or no trouble - she's not really interested in topping - gets her genuine services she enjoys, and satisfies her sadistic streak.

This last means that she's precisely interested in the things that a traffic light system is designed to stop her doing; ignoring me too long, using me without reward, hurting me beyond anything I can enjoy.

It's also because I want to be her real slave.

I want to live in fear of a whipping.

I want to let go and serve.

I want to be so much in her power that when I am bored and frustrated or in pain, I think in terms of my slavery, and not whether or not to use a safe word.

Femdom without safewords

So, how do we get away without using any kind of safe word?

First, we would use a safe word if we were doing anything that required it. For example, if I were gagged or put in such an extreme situation that it would be hard to be coherent, then we would adopt one. ("Xena stop!" I think.)

37 days without an orgasm at time of
writing (image source)

Dare to add some Femdom to your love life!
Second, we have de facto safe words. Xena, who doesn't adopt any kind of persona, even during intense sessions, is happy to make me cry, but she doesn't want to damage me.

If I said, "cramp" or "dangerous" or "about to throw up" she'd react accordingly without any sense of inconsistency.

Similarly, if the ongoing denial - 37 days without an orgasm at time of writing, I think - were making me "irritable" or "professionally incompetent", then it would cease.

Finally, I'm lucky enough to be psychologically robust without any triggers left over from an unpleasant past. She can't really say anything that would traumatize me.

If I did have triggers, then she would avoid them for the same reason she avoids physically damaging me. (And she's unlikely to say anything that would gross me out because it would have the same effect on her.)

The end result is a kind of consent-lite that I like to think of as authentic slavery. I consent to have no consent. Things I enjoy, I enjoy. Things I don't enjoy, I enjoy because they remind me I am a "real" slave.

This is not much different from going on a wilderness adventure or taking up an extreme sport. The hazards are part of the experience.

Should you try Femdom without safewords?

As long as she knows you could use a safe word,
she can relax and feel a sense of permission

Learn how to be on the "wrong" end of this!
Probably not, unless you've been married or together a long time and your dynamic is similar to ours.

A safe word is not just about the sub's physical and psychological comfort; it's also about the moral comfort of the domme!

As long as she knows you could use a safe word, she can relax and feel a sense of permission; she's not a Bad Person, she's just enjoying sexual role play.

However, if your bedroom dynamic is more Domination/Submission than Top/Bottom, then you would do well to avoid the traffic lights, let go and try toughing out anything that takes you outside your comfort zone.

You might be surprised how good it feels...

Life is too short to spend yearning for Femdom! My manuals can help you introduce mutually satisfying Femdom to your relationship! There's one for him, and one for her