The scary escalatory power of "meh, no"

"Unlock you? Meh..."

I'm 15 months into "permanent chastity", courtesy of Custom Chastity's Saint, permanent edition, and somehow passing milestones for a second time makes it real... my second Christmas, my second New Year, coming up to the second Easter.

And I'm thinking about the power of "no".

The irony about marrying a very dominant woman, is that you quickly get used to hearing "meh, no", especially around sex. It's not just that she's assertive, it's also that she doesn't get swept along in other people's visions.

So a lot of my early attempts at expanding the kink in our relationship foundered in "meh, no."

"Meh, no, I won't edge you."

"Meh, no, I won't dress up tonight."

"Meh, no..."

...it's too much trouble, not what floats my boat, requires too much emotional energy.

Some things got a yes - "Yes, I will beat you... Yes, you can serve me..." - and so that's what we did.

But there was always the odd ambivalent response, "Meh, OK I suppose" which - in hindsight - generally ended up with Xena getting the things she wanted, and me getting lack lustre service topping at the end - a passive no, that adds up over time.

It was like that with the chastity.

Xena always liked having me in chastity, but was always meh about having anything to do with me unlocking; no ritual, no end of lock-up play...

At the time, it felt like imperfect kink: Why can't you do it right?

When I started pushing too hard, I got a "Meh" reaction and the kink went away for a while.

But really, now I see that having me locked felt natural to her, but once I was in, there was never any natural moment when she wanted me unlocked.

It turned out that where kink was divisible, given a chance, Xena would cheerfully discard the parts she didn't like, especially if she could do that by just saying "no" to something,

That explains why kink can suddenly escalate. It's not about pushing limits, it's about removing barriers so the kink can reach its natural limit.

Once she didn't need to worry about hurting me too much, she suddenly became scarier and nastier with the whip. She could just say "no" to second guessing me.

Once she knew I could sleep in my "cell" (OK, her walk-in closet) overnight, she sent me there whenever she felt like having the bed to herself. She could just say "no" to caring about my feelings.

That's why my first period of denial stretched to 150 days or so. Xena knew I wanted some kind of wild finale, so avoided it by not letting me have an orgasm.

And when I first sealed my device, I expected to be stuck for 2-3 months and it stretched on to 10 months. Xena even forgot how long I'd been locked up.

Then along came the nasty Custom Chastity Saint with its carefully constructed slippery slope of a limited number of seals. I handed Xena the seals and she tossed them in her bedside drawer with the same "meh..." that I used to get when I pestered her to tie me up.

Only this time, the "meh, no" is about releasing me, ever.

I thought I'd been offering her kinks so we could evolve our dynamic together.

Really, I've been letting her select the jigsaw pieces to build up a picture that was inevitable right from the start.

If I'd had this device five years ago, I think I'd now be in my fifth year of wearing it.

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Ask Giles: How do I get my willing wife to take charge of chastity lockup?

It all comes down to "what's in it for her?"

One approach is to grant her privileges that would otherwise be unreasonable, but only when you're locked. This could be as simple as "She's in charge" or as specific as "he does all the cooking when locked".

Don't present this as a trade. Rather, when you are locked you are more submissive.

Beyond that, vanilla partners usually have trouble with Masoch's Paradox: Us wanting things we don't like/liking things we don't want.

It might be worth explaining that your kink operates on a continuum from "Fun" through to "Fun to be Scared Of" and that therefore chastity can be both a torture and a punishment.

Once you have that established, two possibilities come to mind:

1. Adopt some elements of FLR. Ask her to set you targets with chastity penalties. These could be specific chores, or - perhaps better - personal improvement targets.

2. Connect your chastity to her orgasms. In our case it amuses Xena that her orgasms add penalty days to my chastity. However, you might want to work it the other way around and have so many of her orgasms required for you to earn one for yourself.

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Learn how to how to walk the same Femdom path with your partner! 

GET THE "FOR HIM" MANUAL RIGHT NOW!
GET THE "FOR HER" MANUAL RIGHT NOW!

CLICK HERE to download my Femdom Erotica (all written while chaste!)

(For ebook format, 

Lulu or iTunes.)

How to get a timid but potentially kinky partner to dominate you in bed

...scared the boundaries
will slip and they'll humiliate
or misuse you in real life.

It's startlingly common for a vanilla partner to try out a dominant role, enjoy it, but be afraid of that enjoyment.

I once had a girlfriend tell me, "I'm not comfortable with that kind of power." However, it's mostly a male thing; Dominating your wife or girlfriend goes against both traditional chivalry and modern feminist upbringing.

The three common problems are:

• Not really believing you can want to be dominated like this.
• Being scared the boundaries will slip and they'll humiliate or misuse you in real life.
• Feeling that it's potentially a lot of effort just to get you off (since they are uncomfortable with embracing their own interest).

Here's what seems to work:

First, rather than trying to educate your partner - lecture them on BDSM culture, talk through the ethics and so on - explore with them.  Do some verbal only roleplaying in bed, weaving a fantasy together. If you it doesn't make you feel silly, use a non-real world setting; "I imagine you're a Viking and I'm your wilful Celtic slave..." or whatever to give it some distance. Take it in turns to add bits to the story. When you get really turned on, don't rush to bring out the bondage gear. Instead enjoy some mutual masturbation or sex.

Second, get a play collar. Tell your partner that they are ONLY allowed to dominate you when you're wearing it. This has two benefits: it's makes it really clear when you are and aren't playing - that should reassure him; and makes it easier for both of you to ask for kink - "Shall I/would you like to use the collar tonight?"

Third, when you do play, make it as sexy as hell for your partner. If you are female, bring out the stockings or whatever floats your lover's boat. If you are male, wear something they like, or - more plausibly - suggest starting with you providing a sensual massage while in a submissive role.

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Learn how to how to walk the same Femdom path with your partner! 

GET THE "FOR HIM" MANUAL RIGHT NOW!
GET THE "FOR HER" MANUAL RIGHT NOW!

CLICK HERE to download my Femdom Erotica (all written while chaste!)

(For ebook format, 

Lulu or iTunes.)

So how easy is it to get women to dominate you when vanilla dating?

...looking back -- I persuaded an inordinate
proportion of my girlfriends to do Femdom

I was dating pre-Internet, pre highly-visible BDSM. Judging from Nancy Friday's My Secret Garden -- which was pretty much all we had -- mainstream women's fantasies rarely stretched to Femdom.

Even so -- looking back -- I persuaded an inordinate proportion of my girlfriends to do Femdom.

I can recall in detail ten girlfriends before Xena. (If you recall, 70% of my past girlfriends didn't really need my penis, and 40% didn't really want it.)

• My first, I never asked. We had some oblique conversations about fantasies. I suspect she wanted me to tie her up.
• One flat out refused to do it. 
• One did it a couple of times but wasn't that interested.
• One did it, really enjoyed it, but was uncomfortable with the idea of "having that kind of power".
• Two did it, really enjoyed it, and cheerfully initiated it again.
• Three enjoyed tying me up whenever I asked -- either it was fine as part of their sexual repertoire, or else they really enjoyed it but needed permission.
• One dommed me once, was pretty incredible -- actually a bit scary -- but I spoiled it by topping from the bottom.

...my kind of girls; strong, adventurous,
broad-minded.

These were all my kind of girls; strong, adventurous, broad-minded. However, none of them could really be described as alternative or connected to the "scene", which barely existed for young people back then.

Even so, all but two of them gave it a go, and six of them seemed to enjoy the basic concept. That's a 60% success rate -- pretty good odds when looking for any sort of compatibility when dating, 

The trick was... wait for it... Just Ask (but without making a fuss).

Looking back, I was an appalling "do-me sub" mainly obsessed with getting tied up -- I didn't know any better!

Had I been more focused on what's in it for her?, the girl that wasn't interested might have enjoyed other Femdom activities, and the one who was good at it would have had an opportunity to explore her own desires rather than mine.

The trick was... wait for it... Just Ask
(but without making a fuss).

And, of course, the Femdom would have been more in all the relationships where it was present.

Now we live in an age where almost everybody knows about BDSM and almost half of women admit to having Femdom fantasies.

So go look for play partners in the Scene if you want, but don't give up on the idea of dating within the vanilla world!

EDIT: Interesting Reddit threads here , here and here.

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Don't resign yourself to just getting off on other people's adventures! When we started out, my wife was vanilla. Use my manuals to help you walk the same Femdom path! There's one for him, and one for her.