What to do when your submissive won't communicate

"You're in charge! Do kinky stuff to
me! But I'm not telling you what!"

Subs are great for throwing up their hands, dropping to their knees and crying, "You're in charge! Do kinky stuff to me! But I'm not telling you what!"

Subs do this whether they are inexperienced submissive husbands or wives having their first BDSM adventures, or veterans of clubs and munches.

There are lots of possible reasons why they might not want to talk about their BDSM desires and needs.

They may be inexperienced and want to explore without preconceptions. They may be shy or have difficulty owning their kink.

Most of all, they may be more interested in  the dynamic than specific fantasies and genuinely want to submit to you, not some canned experience they got off the Internet - there is a voyeuristic element to this.

However, this leaves you - the dominant - feeling awkward and exposed.

this leaves you - the dominant -
feeling awkward and exposed

And it goes against much of what modern BDSM culture stands for, namely communication leading to informed consent.

Yes, you could lay down the law, but it's not always wise or desirable.

If your sub is your life partner, them so much as asking for kink may seem like a huge step and you want to help them move forward, not lecture them back into the closet.

Or your wannabe sub may be really really hot, or somebody with whom you really want a relationship.

Is it possible to proceed without driving them off with a bad experience or, worse, being a consent-violating monster?

Yes.

Just as we submissives protect our dignity by pretending we are sensation-seeking hedonistic bottoms, you dominants often protect your sense of being a Good Person by leaning heavily on being a service top; "Yes it looks evil, but it's a pre-negotiated scene and look at my rope tying skills and listen to my sub's loud orgasm."

However, subs are grown ups and BDSM is like a sport - the experience is always going to variable; sometimes your team loses. It's not a disaster if we have a bad time, or if things aren't perfect. When we give sweeping the consent, we benefit from an intense the sense of surrender, and accept that sometimes we'll be bored or uncomfortable or disappointed... that itself can be a turn on because it rubs our noses in our own powerlessness.

So if your sub just wants you to be in charge, there's a good chance that's what they'll actually enjoy.

And if they don't? Too bad for them

...there's bound to be some crazy
stuff they haven't considered
that would be a hard limit

You don't actually need service topping as a justification, just consent.  Of course, your uncommunicative sub has already given you that - so the real issue is informed consent.

For all they may say "do what you want" and "no limits" (and really they should at least discuss limits), there's bound to be some crazy stuff they haven't considered that would be a hard limit if they had, and there's always the worry that some of what you like will overlap with that.

There is, I think, a simple way around this:

First set your own ground rules...

• Tell them broadly the kind of thing they are letting themselves in for: e.g. there will be service and beatings and you may not get an orgasm.
• Tell them the attitude you expect them to adopt: e.g. obedient, OK to resist, bratty... it's up to you.
• Tell them an easy-to-remember safe word they can use only for safety (physical and mental - if they are freaking out, then they need to safe word).

Next, take charge...  

• Do and get the things you enjoy. It's OK if these are mainly vanilla services, this is for you not them. That's the deal. Avoid any complex set piece scenes, unless that's what you want to do for yourself.
• Get informed consent by announcing new things ahead of time, but in role. So, for example, don't just ram a dildo into your sub's ass. Instead, wave it in their face, gloat over what you're going to do, give them plenty of opportunity for the safe word.
• Don't do anything intense during the first session. If they have an intense emotional reaction you are uncomfortable with, rather leaping to check in, dial down the activity. Later, during in after care ask them whether they want to take that further next time or avoid it.
• Insist on mutual after care. You need as much validation as your sub does! However, avoid a detailed debrief.

 the power exchange will come to feel real
- which is what at least some of us want... 

Then, repeat over the following weeks, gradually increasing the intensity. 

• Remain focused on your own pleasure - that's still the deal.
• Trust your sub to use their safe word and try not to second guess them. However, don't be afraid to check in if they suddenly behave abnormally compared to previous sessions. (Consent doesn't completely let you off the hook morally.)

The downsides are that this is slower than just negotiating your power exchange, and that you will bump against limits which will be both irritating and embarrassing.

However, within those emerging limits, you will be genuinely in charge and the power exchange will come to feel real - which is what at least some of us want...

---

Don't resign yourself to just getting off on other people's adventures! When we started out, my wife was vanilla. Use my manuals to help you walk the same Femdom path! There's one for him, and one for her. 

Sabbatical in Slave Land - Trust

"What are you doing this evening?" asks my wife just before she goes out with the girls.

"Well," I say, "Since I'm being 'compliant husband', I thought I would work through those chores."

"Oh!" She laughs. "I hadn't realized."

I wave my hand at here. I'm wearing a discrete wrist band. "Remember? We talked about this."

Compliant Husband

"Ah. I was thinking that the wristband was supposed to mean something."

Now it's my turn to laugh. "I've been 'compliant husband' all day yesterday and today! Are you saying you couldn't tell the difference?"

"Well I was feeling well looked after..."

* * *

We're at the start of what in my How to be a Roman Dominatrix book I call a "sabbatical".

I'm on the beach  at home for a couple of weeks and she's working weekdays only and not on call. A while back she agreed I could be her "compliant husband" during this golden window.

Compliant Husband is our low key mode. I'm not much different from a submissive old fashioned housewife except for the chastity device, the demerit counter, and the possibility of darker slave/mistress sessions. I'm myself, but I don't argue with her and I do chores to her satisfaction. Pretty much time-limited FLR.

We also agreed in general I would flag my chaste compliant status with a wristband; this gives her a "take it or leave it" choice without having to actually say "no".

But she's forgotten everything!

* * *

I mentally squirm because this is not a moment for talking about erotic things. I'm scared of rejection, scared of losing the Femdom. But we're not talking about sex or fetish here, just service so I stick to my guns.

"So, what do you want me to do?" I ask - a nice neutral question that could let her terminate the experience if she wants.

"Oh well. Give the bedroom a proper clean - dust and vacuum. And there's a wash that needs to go on..."

She comes back later, tired and full of food;  she has work tomorrow and no kind of sex is on the menu tonight. I give her a foot rub which turns me on horribly, but just makes her ready to sleep.

I don't pester. The point of being a compliant husband is that I comply! So soon we're sitting up in bed reading.

"What are you going to do tomorrow?" she asks.

"I'm trying to decide..." I say, an open answer to an open question.

"Do the kitchen," she says, "I proper deep clean."

"OK," I say.

"And leave that thing of yours on."

"OK. That way you'll get better service in the morning."

"That's what I was thinking." She gives me a cat like expression. "And in the evening." She kisses me. "Good night."

My penis rears up inside its cage and I'm still hard when I come back from tossing the key in bushes outside our front door. She, however, is asleep.

* * *

People talk about "trust" in D&S. In our kind of relationship, the most important trust is the one she has in me: she trusts me not to presume or pester, to really be a compliant husband or slave. (The fabulous Ferns says something similar.)

There may, or may not, be wilder BDSM later this week. If it happens, it'll be all the more intense for several days of chastity on my part.

And the house will be clean and tidy.

For spicing up your sex life with some time limited FLR, see my Femdom self-help guides....

A dominatrix's vulnerability - don't do this at home!

Fern's has written a wonderful post on what it feels like to be the dominatrix in seemingly trivial domestic situations. Her sub has run out of toilet roll. She wants him to fetch some but...

“Really?” he asked, “But it’s *snowing*!” [Hmmm... okay is he really resisting, or just needing a push?]“Yes, really,” I said. [A little push.]“What?!! Come on!” [I try to read him. He is half kidding with this over-the-top response, I can feel it. I'm pretty sure he will do it, even if he is pushing back...]

Skip over and read the rest of Fern's post - it's awesome, as are the comments.

Now, consider the circumstances. Ferns is a self-identified dominatrix, so the power balance within the relationship is about 50/50. If she pushes him too hard, or in the wrong way, then she may lose the sub.

If you have persuaded your existing partner to turn vanilla dominatrix, then your situation is different.

 "...for all matters domestic you need to think like a s
tereotype pre-Feminist housewife..." (pic source)

Both my Femdom self help books focus on the idea of what's in it for her?

If she's not kinky, she can still enjoy owning a slave in the same way Roman ladies enjoyed owning male slaves; guilt free domestic service plus massages with happy endings can be a pretty strong proposition.

This falls down as soon as she has to second guess herself before sending you out to buy toilet roll!

Yes, if she wants some heavy BDSM action, or hits your triggers, you need negotiation and safe words. However, for all matters domestic you need to think like a stereotype pre-Feminist housewife.

The vanilla dominatrix project only works if you accept the risks of authentic slavery; in any given session, you may be bored, uncomfortable, sad, or frustrated.

In the long run it will be worth it...

For more on Femdom for vanilla wives and girlfriends,  see my Femdom self-help guides....

Ferns: Trust works both ways

The wise, dominant and articulate Ferns says (among other things):

Without that trust, I can’t exercise my dominance. I can’t. Because I will be second guessing myself over and over. Without trust in him, I will feel like I am not at all able to understand where he is in it, it will be as if I am blind in trying to read him, like I am groping around in the dark while worrying that I am going to knock him over some cliff and I won’t even see it coming. And that doesn’t work for me.

She's talking about the need for the dominant to trust the sub.

Treat the power relationship as real,
and it will become real!

Yes, BDSM culture talks about trust, but usually dwells on how the dominant must earn the trust of the sub. However, for a relationship to be sustainable, then the trust has to go both ways; the submissive must also earn the trust of the dominant.

In other words, the dominant has to trust the submissive to actually - guess what? - submit, and also trust them to provide safety feedback (emotional and physical) when required.

It is incredibly jarring to be in dominant mode and to be suddenly jolted back to vanilla world and perhaps - worse - be made to feel foolish. It's also impossible to relax and enjoy dominating if you can't rely on the submissive to tell you when something is really wrong.

Ferns identifies as a dominatrix from one relationship to the next. When she can't trust a sub, she reconsiders the relationship.

However,  if your dominatrix is also your wife or girlfriend, and she can't trust you as her sub, then she'll reconsider being a dominatrix! Ever.

Treat the power relationship as real, and it will become real. Treat it as packaging for some kinks, and both the power relationship and the kinks will go away.

For how to make Femdom work in your relationship, see my kinky self help guides.

Why communication is overrated in an authentic Femdom relationship

Well Robert Anthony has discovered that it's a bad idea for his wife to read his blog.

It's not that she objects to him blogging about their Femdom relationship. The problem is that she's on her own journey that's supposed to be about her own empowerment, and reading his blog is making her second guess herself.

In short, by communicating (rated a good thing in fetish circles) he's been topping from the bottom  (a bad thing in the same  circles).
 WTF?

The problem is that there are lots of modes for Femdom (all equally fun and valid):

• Femdom as service really is all about communication. She's there to make your dreams come true. The prerequisite is that she enjoys facilitating your fantasies, more than once. This is the equivalent of a blow job.
• Femdom as trade is all about negotiation. She'll force you to wear panties, if you'll agree to let her beat the crap out of you, but only so much... The prerequisite is that she has very specific BDSM needs, and is happy to trade them against yours. This is the equivalent of taking it in turn to go down on each other.
• Authentic Femdom is  not about communication or negotiation. She's in charge and you do what you're told. This is the equivalent of going down on her, but not expecting her to reciprocate. The prerequisite is that she accepts being in charge... only it's not that simple.

Now, if you're trying for a FLR, or - as per my femdom manual - creating a Femdom corner in your relationship, then you're after the last option. And, if your partner isn't particularly driven to kink, then this is your default. Femdom as service is fine for a lazy sexy Sunday afternoon, but not for a Friday night when she's tired from work, or when life saps her mental energy. Femdom as trade is no good if she has nothing to trade for. So that leaves Authentic Femdom: even a vanilla person enjoys being selfish if there's permission and freedom from consequences.

The snag is that we male slaves (using the term as short hand) have usually spent  a lot more time thinking about all this than our mistresses. It's up to us to set the table for the Femdom relationship, and provide a menu... which is a tricky balancing act.

If we say, "Here's a place in our relationship where you're really in charge and here are some of the things I think you might enjoy - and yes I really will enjoy this," then in that space, our partner really is in charge. We're really being used, objectified, whatever - not being made to feel that way. There's no illusion.

But, as soon as we force things onto the menu that don't belong, try to nudge our customer to eat the tofu, and whine if they don't, we're manipulating her into service role, and the fun goes out of it for both of us. The same goes if we give her detailed feedback... "That turned me on, that didn't". We're turning Femdom into a game of Cluedo.

So once underway, communication has a minimal role in an authentic Femdom relationship:

• Safety ("Not the throat...!")
• Permission to extend what she already does: "It's OK to hit me harder/lock me up longer/not let me come..."
• Extensions to the menu via sharing noncouple-specific fantasies (rather than wish lists): "I have this fantasy about being a Roman slave..."

But that doesn't stop us wanting and yearning. And that's fine. There's even a meta turn on. When I'm bored being a slave, the knowledge that I am trapped in that role is a turn on.... and I bet you're the same.

The thing is, not to share that yearning. She can't be empowered and service you at the same time.

So, if you blog like Robert and I do - and others - by all means have no secrets. Tell her you have the blog. Let her know the name of it so she can Google to it. But, don't ask her to read it!