Without that trust, I can’t exercise my dominance. I can’t. Because I will be second guessing myself over and over. Without trust in him, I will feel like I am not at all able to understand where he is in it, it will be as if I am blind in trying to read him, like I am groping around in the dark while worrying that I am going to knock him over some cliff and I won’t even see it coming. And that doesn’t work for me.She's talking about the need for the dominant to trust the sub.
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| Treat the power relationship as real, and it will become real! |
In other words, the dominant has to trust the submissive to actually - guess what? - submit, and also trust them to provide safety feedback (emotional and physical) when required.
It is incredibly jarring to be in dominant mode and to be suddenly jolted back to vanilla world and perhaps - worse - be made to feel foolish. It's also impossible to relax and enjoy dominating if you can't rely on the submissive to tell you when something is really wrong.
Ferns identifies as a dominatrix from one relationship to the next. When she can't trust a sub, she reconsiders the relationship.
However, if your dominatrix is also your wife or girlfriend, and she can't trust you as her sub, then she'll reconsider being a dominatrix! Ever.
Treat the power relationship as real, and it will become real. Treat it as packaging for some kinks, and both the power relationship and the kinks will go away.
For how to make Femdom work in your relationship, see my kinky self help guides.
"The wise, dominant and articulate Ferns says (among other things)..."
ReplyDelete*smile* Thank you for the lovely compliment!
"... the dominant has to trust the submissive to actually - guess what? - submit, and also trust them to provide safety feedback (emotional and physical) when required."
Yes. It seems so obvious doesn't it? And when you *do* trust that he will do that, *then* you can go harder, *then* you can push and *then* you can skip around the edges.
Ferns
The interesting thing is that this should hold true for vanilla dominants as well; there's plenty of evidence that when people enjoy authority without moral or social consequences, they can quickly drift towards selfish and sadistic behavior. A terrible thing in real life, but a wonderful thing if it happens in the Femdom corner of a relationship.
ReplyDelete(Hi Ferns - Nice to see you in my comments thread, by the way! )
I just finished reading through your blog and found it very instructive. In your pages I discovered logical explanations of why my wife (who is very vanilla, bu the way) has started to enjoy things that would consider evil before and why I became much more succesful when I decided that what I called submission 'lite' was better than no submission at all. I realize now that when I stopped playing the whinny sub all the time, my wife felt more confident in being dominant in our private space.
ReplyDeleteSorry, forgot to mention that I just quoted from my favorite post of yours into my blog. I hope that's okay.
DeleteThanks - I may quote that in a post! And, of course, go ahead and quote from my blog (as long as you attribute, of course).
DeleteI'm so glad you've found what I have to say useful. Remember -don't push her to admit how far she's come. It's the actions we need, not the validation.
Have you got a copy of my book?
Don't forget this post, btw: http://becomeherslave.blogspot.co.uk/2012/04/why-she-wont-admit-to-enjoying-femdom.html
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