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Friday, 29 July 2016

Why Feminism and Femdom are good for each other

Femdom long predates Feminism
I am a feminist, not because I am a submissive man, but because I am not an arse.

Being a male sub doesn't automatically make you a feminist. There are plenty of pushy self-entitled subs, and Femdom long predates Feminism: Victorian gents who paid for female domination did not rush out to throw bricks with the Suffragettes (though I am sure they masturbated over fantasies involving them).

Nor is Femdom the natural end point of Feminism. Feminism is about equality and freedom of choice. Wanting women to be in charge of society is to be a Female Supremacist, not a Feminist.

Even so, I think Feminism and Femdom are good for each other.

Why Feminism is good for Femdom

...a would-be domme would
need to 
learn new unladylike
Feminism is good for Femdom because Feminism undermines the gender roles forced on us by the old patriarchy.

Feminism says it's OK for women to take charge in the world, be assertive in a relationship, seek pleasure in bed, and be forthright about all that.

In the once-upon-a-time of subtle manipulation, feminine wiles and coy hints, a would-be domme would need to learn new unladylike behaviour just to achieve a baseline of dominance. Nowadays she merely has to temporarily stop being polite and fair, to transition from "Please go down on me and I'll give you a blow job" to "Go down on me".

So Feminism may not generate dommes, but it does make it easier for women to develop or express a dominant streak.

Feminism also says it's OK for men not to be strong, and for us to be facilitating in a relationship, and giving in bed. The male sub of yesteryear had to cope not only with the shame of being unmanly, but also with his wife's horror (if she found out). Now he merely has to turn the conversation to shared fantasies or suggest kinky activities to "spice things up".

Of course Feminism does not turn men into subs! However, it does give those of us with a submissive streak a much easier ride.

Feminism says, "Pick your own roles, be yourselves" and that makes it easier for us Femdom people to do just that.

Why Femdom is good for Feminism

Being in charge can only be empowering
I have to be careful here. I don't think Feminism is a reason to do Femdom! I'm also aware that Femdom can be presented as an erotic parody of Feminism with the implication being that only women who are latex clad hyper-vixens can be empowered.

All that said, I think Femdom can have a feminist effect within a relationship and thus the existence of Femdom is good for Feminism.

Being in charge, even if just for bedroom roleplay, can only be empowering. Despite improvements, we still have casual and structural sexism, and the remnants of patriarchy. Exploring a sexually dominant role must have the same benefits for a woman's confidence and assertiveness as would taking a leadership position in, say, a sports club or charitable organisation.

The existence of dommes as an extreme example also potentially makes it easier for vanilla women just to ask for what they want in bed, or in a relationship, and thus become more empowered in general. Dominatrices demonstrate that women can take charge and the world doesn't end!

And, anything that empowers women in the personal sphere also helps to empower them in the wider world, which is good for the Feminist cause in general.

So, it's not like political lesbianism (though the idea of "Political Femdomism" as a college movement is... exciting). However, in a small way I think Femdom helps the Feminist cause.

Learn how to how to walk the same Femdom path with your partner! 

CLICK HERE to download my Femdom Erotica (all written while chaste!)
(For ebook format, 
Lulu or iTunes.)

Wednesday, 6 July 2016

Please don't identify as a submissive if you are not

The point about being a submissive
is that you... submit.

The point about being a submissive is that you... submit.

It's not about one-true way, it's about truth in self-advertising.

Submissives can - must - have limits, but they mark the edge of the sandbox for the dominant.

Submissives usually have fetishes and fantasies, but they present these as tools for the dominant to get what they want.

If most of the kinky sandbox is off limits, if your fetishes and fantasies are must-haves or preconditions, then really you are a bottom.

It's OK to be a bottom.  Bottoms are kinky hedonists who negotiate and horse trade with tops to get specific kicks.

Submitting and bottoming are different activities and offer different benefits to your partner or playmate. The dominant expects to be in charge. The top expects to enjoy building a scene together. (And sometimes dominants like to top, but that's a different story.)

 The top expects enjoy building a
scene together.
It's tempting for bottoms to present themselves as submissives, not least because the term "bottom" has become unfashionable and the waters muddy.

Bottoms may be carried away by the fantasy around their preferred kink, or like to use the fantasy of submission to justify going through with a degrading activity.

Also, though bottoms have the edge on dignity and self determination, some protestant streak in our culture rebels against pure hedonism: it's sometimes more comfortable to embrace a submissive identity than that of a mere kinky pleasure seeker.

Finally, misidentifying looks awfully like a dishonest dating strategy in order to gain access to dominant women: the kink equivalent of one of those awful Red Pill tricks.

Presenting as a submissive when you are a bottom is like taking somebody for a meal then telling them what to eat! It's rude and dishonest, makes real submissives look bad, and drives dominants away from the dating scene.

If you don't want to use the term "bottom", describe yourself as having "submissive fantasies" or as enjoying "submissive kinks."

Just don't identify as an actual submissive unless you are.


Learn how to how to walk the same Femdom path with your partner! 
CLICK HERE to download my Femdom Erotica (all written while chaste!)
(For ebook format, 
Lulu or iTunes.)