Wednesday, 6 July 2016

Please don't identify as a submissive if you are not

The point about being a submissive
is that you... submit.

The point about being a submissive is that you... submit.

It's not about one-true way, it's about truth in self-advertising.

Submissives can - must - have limits, but they mark the edge of the sandbox for the dominant.

Submissives usually have fetishes and fantasies, but they present these as tools for the dominant to get what they want.

If most of the kinky sandbox is off limits, if your fetishes and fantasies are must-haves or preconditions, then really you are a bottom.

It's OK to be a bottom.  Bottoms are kinky hedonists who negotiate and horse trade with tops to get specific kicks.

Submitting and bottoming are different activities and offer different benefits to your partner or playmate. The dominant expects to be in charge. The top expects to enjoy building a scene together. (And sometimes dominants like to top, but that's a different story.)

 The top expects enjoy building a
scene together.
It's tempting for bottoms to present themselves as submissives, not least because the term "bottom" has become unfashionable and the waters muddy.

Bottoms may be carried away by the fantasy around their preferred kink, or like to use the fantasy of submission to justify going through with a degrading activity.

Also, though bottoms have the edge on dignity and self determination, some protestant streak in our culture rebels against pure hedonism: it's sometimes more comfortable to embrace a submissive identity than that of a mere kinky pleasure seeker.

Finally, misidentifying looks awfully like a dishonest dating strategy in order to gain access to dominant women: the kink equivalent of one of those awful Red Pill tricks.

Presenting as a submissive when you are a bottom is like taking somebody for a meal then telling them what to eat! It's rude and dishonest, makes real submissives look bad, and drives dominants away from the dating scene.

If you don't want to use the term "bottom", describe yourself as having "submissive fantasies" or as enjoying "submissive kinks."

Just don't identify as an actual submissive unless you are.


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  1. This is an excellent distinction, Giles.

    1. One that seems to be being eroded...

    2. I can't argue with that, but much of it seems rooted more in ignorance (now) than wishful thinking (in the past). The internet has changed since I was last active... it is rather strange to me.

  2. I would hate to hear of beautiful Mistresses giving up on finding a nice submissive man for the sea of posers. I have always said that a few deep conversations (which is just good practice) can flag posers quite quickly. I agree a person should be careful of how one advertises ones self.It was an interesting read.

  3. Yes, good points!

  4. Thanks so much...........


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