Coming up to the 8th anniversary of our Female Led Relationship and Xena doesn't care (and why that's hot)

It's odd. We're coming up to the 8th anniversary of our FLR and I don't think Xena has any desire to make an occasion of it.

It's the same with my (mechanically) permanent chastity device: she just treats it as if I had had the coil fitted - a good and necessary thing, but not particularly worthy of discussion.

In general, she isn't interested in kink.

 

"I can't imagine going back..."

That used to make me feel insecure until she made it very clear that not only does she like kink, but that it's mandatory; it's her preferred mode of intimacy and domesticity: "I can't imagine going back." And later, "You don't have any choice."

My wife clearly likes being in control, likes having service on demand, likes punishing me, and has a well-developed sadistic streak that turns her on.

Xena is also the one who pushed the envelope. 

Given a little control, she took complete control. Offered me in chastity as an option, she turned it into a default. She's the one who, early on, said "I prefer you this way..." and later "Would you consider always doing it like this?"

Which is why the disinterest is hot.

Though she is my loving wife, best friend, and preferred companion, she is also my mistress. Parts of our relationship play out as if she simply owned me.

"They do a sealed version. Make an appointment."

With the permanent chastity device, it's as if she looked up from her newspaper and casually remarked, "Oh look, they do a sealed version now. I think we'll get you fitted for one. Ring the shop tomorrow and make an appointment for yourself."

And I could only say, "Yes, mistress."

Then perhaps months later, she'd notice the same advert and say, "Oh, did you get that device installed?"

And I'd say, "Yes, mistress."

And she'd go back to reading her paper.

The entire FLR is like that. 

On a gut level, Xena just assumes that's the natural order. She's in charge and I'm not. Big chunks of our relationship centre on her, not me. 

I don't have any choice, so why would the anniversary of my submission matter? Anyway, I don't belong in the centre, that spot belongs to her.

That's hot.

---

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"And now I'm going to masturbate": How permanent chastity has changed our FLR

"And now I'm going to masturbate."

"There's no key," says Xena, "you don't get any choice. And now I'm going to masturbate. Go kneel in the corner."

I do as I'm told and kneel there, hard inside my permanent Custom Saint.

Moments earlier, I'd said,"You know how you never quite know what to say to get the effect you want. I've finally nailed it."

I was rubbing her feet at the time and she was in a particularly good mood. "Go on," she said.

"Chastity is like a rubber wristband. When you twist it a little to tighten it, it's comforting.  So don't talk about releasing me - that makes me feel insecure - talk about how it means you own me, how I have no choice in the matter."

"OK..."

"And when you ping it, it suddenly becomes scary and exciting. Tell me how long you'll keep me locked, mock me about not being able to orgasm."

"So twisting the band..." said Xena. "You're my slave, you're sealed in. There's no key. I prefer you this way and you don't have any choice in the matter."

My penis hardened in its permanent chastity device. At the same time, I felt pleasantly owned.

"And tweaking the band..." said Xena. "You don't get to orgasm for at least a year. I might not ever let you out."

My my poor penis was trying to erect itself, straining and straining against the surgical nylon.

"How was that?" said Xena, sweetly.

I made a hopeless whimpering sound.

And now I'm kneeling in the corner while she plays with herself. I'm well into middle age, but there's something... sacred about being in the room with a masturbating woman.

"How do you feel... slave?" asks Xena.

"Turned on... scared."

"Scared?"

"I can't masturbate. Everything you do is going to rattle around inside my brain for weeks."

"Really?" she says, eyes twinkling. "Put your head under the covers and watch."

So I scramble over and duck my head under the duvet.

There it is, between soft thighs: her pussy, lips bulging and quivering in time to her blurring finger.

"How do you feel now slave?"

"How do you feel now, slave?" she asks.

"Lost..."

"You may put a finger inside... carefully."

So I stretch up between her thighs and hook a finger inside her slippery tunnel. The muscles immediately clamp and writhe around me, setting off sympathetic spasms in my caged cock.

Two weeks earlier, I was also rubbing her feet...

I'd just checked the parcel website. "Looks like the new device will arrive soon. Do you want to make a ceremony of sealing it?"

"No," she said, quite genuinely, without  a hint of tease. "Why should I?"

"Why should I?"

 

"But it's a big change," I said.

"But I already keep you locked. I don't see the difference."

"Well, it's a big difference for me. I can't even ask to be released." I sigh. "I mean, for you it's at least less emotional labour."

"OK," she said. "It's a slight difference for me."

Now I felt weird. I don't like the meta thing of begging to be treated badly. "But you do want me to install it, don't you? I'm not doing this to myself!"

"Yes," she said. "When it arrives I want you to put it on as soon as possible. I just don't want to be involved."

I puzzled over this as she flipped over so I could rub her calves. "Oh," I say. I'm the word person in the relationship. It's my job to articulate things. "It's like I'm having the coil fitted. It matters to you that I'm sealed, but the process isn't interesting. If I could go off to a centre and have a laser piercing and come back with a permanent cage fitted, that would be cool too."

Like having a coil fitted.

"Exactly," said Xena.

A few days later, the device did arrive. I cleaned it, dyed it, cleaned it again. Finally I snapped in the seal and just lay on the floor, not remotely turned on, but very, very comfortable. I felt... completed.

And here I am ten days later, head under the covers watching Xena masturbate while her glorious vagina ripples around my finger.

Being sealed does make a difference. I don't even have the theoretical option to just take the thing off. I don't have to balance the urge to plead for release with the deeper fear of Xena casually caving; she can't just remove the thing either, and the prospect of fuss and inconvenience, not to mention the limited supply of expensive seals, would shift her into the kind of headspace where she would say no.

End result, hopeless lust is inescapable and my only source of sexual pleasure. That thought itself is a turn on, so I spend the next quarter of an hour forlornly wavering so near but so far from ejaculating while Xena enjoys her own orgasm at my expense.

"Enough," she says. Her face is flushed all the way down to her cleavage. "Kneel on the floor."

And I do.

The same thing happens the next night. 

And the weekend after that. We were having a bit of a dry patch thanks to lockdown and middle age stuff... this isn't a dry patch any more.

There's definitely an aphrodisiac effect.

Xena is more casually dominant than ever before.

The relationship and mental effect is harder to pin down, since we were already almost 8 years into an FLR.

I swear Xena is more casually dominant than before. She just assumes she's in charge. If I argue with her, she's surprised then irritated. There's no sense of trading chores for kink; I get a genuine telling off when I don't deliver.

Meanwhile, I feel different. I was always intensely submissive, but now I just am submissive, if that makes any sense? How I see myself in the spectrum of masculinity has also changed, but I can't quit pin that down.

Some of this is amplified by the shear wearability of the device. For example, I can sleep on my side with my legs closed around my genitals just as if I wasn't locked. That creates a sense of normality about having a cage locked around my genitals, yes, similar to a woman having a coil installed except that the coil prevents conception, and the chastity cage prevents erection and ejaculation.

---

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Two Years of the Custom Chastity Saint (a nonstory with pictures)

We're coming up to two years of the Custom Chastity Saint.

It's transformed our already kinky relationship.

Here's an example.

I just completed nearly five and a half months of 24/7 chastity in my Custom Chastity "Saint". 

At the end of January, Xena allowed me an orgasm. Then I locked up and handed her the keys. She didn't give them back until the middle of July when we were about to go on a short beach holiday with some friends.

"Do I get an orgasm?"

"Perhaps after the holiday..."

So, just before we set off, I unlocked my device and stashed it in my luggage. When I inspected my suddenly-naked genitals, there were no chafe marks, no running sores, no blisters or infections.

And that was it.

If you are new to chastity, or have a good high-end device, that might sound like a nonstory.

However, if you are a male chastity veteran like me, or are struggling along with some clunky knockoff device you picked up off Amazon or Ebay, then you'll get that the nonstory is the story.

Here's what didn't happen:

• I didn't develop chafing or an infection and have to beg the key back.
• I didn't need to unlock to socialise or do sport.
• I didn't soldier on stoically suffering chafing and infections and quietly missing out on socialising  occasions and sport.
• During intimate time and discipline, I didn't need to ask to pause to adjusted a heavy cage, or un-turtle myself. 

This is a million miles from the experience of metal cages and standard sized tubes!

Obviously,  the Saint is much more physically pleasant to wear. It's either a sensual presence or no presence at all. However, it's the psychological and relationship effects that are truly stunning.

Psychologically, I know there will be no practical reason to remove the device. If Xena wasn't paranoid about visibility through swimwear, I could potentially stay locked for years on end. As it is, she once left me sealed in for 11 months.  The result is a delicious blend of security - locked means locked - and fear - she could do this to me forever.

Relationship-wise, it means Xena can control my chastity on whim. There's no emotional labour of second guessing me, no need to get into a more responsible head space to forward plan. She can lock me up, or seal me in, and it's a done deal until she changes her mind. It's true that we were already a kinky couple, but this has deepened her dominance. She is no longer wife and domme, with two different roles, she truly is my dominant wife.

So we got back from vacation. She soaked in the bath, I unpacked and ran the washing machine. I also took the opportunity to refresh the dye on my device (picture behind the cut).

That night I returned the key to Xena.

"I didn't get my orgasm."

"No you didn't. Now rub my feet, slave."

And I did. 

So, today I'm locked up and working on the sequel to Trapped in Chastity by a Pretty Goth and I don't know when my next orgasm will be...

(You can see my caged package behind the cut.)

Ask Giles: What do you do if you have a row or spat while in chastity?

There are two aspects to this:

First, dynamic:

Worship isn't the same as "idealise". Nobody is perfect. Worship involves loving a whole person, and doing it from a submissive posture.

And, if you are (mostly) submissive to her in your relationship, it's still an actual relationship. Even the archetypal 50s housewife would put her foot down, push back against manly hubby. It doesn't change the underlying dynamic. FLR type dynamics - we're on the 6th year of ours - aren't day-to-day the same as 24/7 High Protocol relationships.

My experience is that when you're submitting in the bedroom, i.e. doing actual BDSM, in the context of a relationship, it stops being a game. You're submitting to the person, imperfections and all, and that's both hot and spiritually fulfilling: you're cross with her but you still have to do as you're told as if she really owned you... (This is probably dangerous heresy to some people, but it's where the undertow takes me, and it feels great.)

Second, chastity:

I think there's really two styles of chastity: keyholding and "neutering lite", in other words one is about dynamic, the other is about something akin gender identity. If you're drawn to long term chastity, then there's probably a bit of the second kind going on.

By way of illustration (not saying they are equivalent), you wouldn't stop being gay or trans or whatever just because you had a row with your partner; in the same way you need not stop being chaste.

Day 40 of permanent chastity (45 days locked)

 I might also become uninterested in letting you out.

So I hit day 40 sealed in, 45 locked.

There's not much to report. It feels same as it did in the first week and after the third week - no chafing, no impending issues.

The swept back head section has passed the test of time: it really does eliminate turtling. So I have reason to be proud of my little innovation! It makes the device just that bit more practical - no poking around when I need to pee - and aesthetically pleasing - it always looks like a second skin, not a shell in which the penis can hide.

This is a busy couple of months for Xena - one of the reasons for this adventure - so I have no Femdom pyrotechnics to report. Knowing how much locked as default pushes her buttons, I have high expectations for when there's time and energy.

The effect on our relationship has been subtle.

Day 1 of (?) Permanent Chastity

Woke, saw Xena off to work, worked, cleaned, exercised, worked some more, cooked dinner, ate with Xena, cleaned up, jogged, showered, rubbed Xena's feet while she read, went to sleep...

All very normal.

But different.

For a start, no emergency key.

I don't really think I need one for actual emergencies - if I'm lying in an ambulance, rooting around with a key in my underpants will be just as excruciatingly embarrassing as  asking them to bring out the shears to cut the nylon. Also, with no metal parts, the device isn't going to get in the way of  a scan.

However, the emergency key did mean I always had the theoretical possibility of wimping out and unlocking for any given activity, for example for a spontaneous pint with the lads. Turns out I was making all sorts of background decisions I'm only now aware of because when I hit the decision point, it's no longer there. That gives me a panicky feeling I had not expected.

The other thing is, no chance of suddenly being unlocked.

Up until now, there's always been a key around, either in Xena's drawer, or, if that one is in the time safe, the security sealed emergency key in my my wallet. Though the latter is supposed to be a last resort, there's always been the possibility that Xena might suddenly want me out for sex - we had actual sex twice on vacation! - or that she might just decide I should have an orgasm the next day.

Knowing that can't happen is... odd.

---

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My wife just sealed me in permanent chastity!

"That sounds great. Do it."

"Can I talk to you about next month?"

It's Sunday night and I'm folding Xena's clothes away while she lounges in bed with a book.

"What about it?"

"You're away at conferences a lot, and you'll be trying to clear your desk before you go, then catch up when you return. I wanted to talk about how to make it work for me."

"I'll fit things in as best I can," she says. She means beatings and occasional orgasms for her.

"That's great," I say, not entirely believing her. "But discipline is already a bit irregular."

"You've not been pulling your weight," she said, "you've been forgetting things."

"That's your fault," I say.

"I just can't be bothered chasing you up."

My shoulders sink. "I hate it when you drift off and withdraw!"

"Well you're getting four demerits for forgetting to compost the flowers," she says. There's a sudden glint in her eyes.

"It's more than discipline..," I say. "I need..."

A few weeks back, while on vacation, we had a talk. Oddly we had had actual penis-in-vagina sex twice. After a run down the beach we discussed, for the first time in years, my needs, how I get anxious if I don't feel "owned", and how she can get the best out of me by making me feel owned.

I recite, "To be Controlled, Affirmed, Scared and Exploited." (Yes, there's an acronym there, but I don't make a fuss about it. It does help me remember.)

Don't read that as a trade: good husbanding for kink. I'm very much telling her how to get things she wants, and those things go far beyond what she could expect even from a stay home husband. And she likes... loves being in charge.

"Hmm," she says and goes back to her book.

I finish the clothes, take a shower and towel myself off while we chat. I'm naked except for my customised Custom Chastity Saint. "The new device is going great," I remark. "Five days in and not even any dry skin or red patches. Fire and forget."

Friendly Polymorph Plastic

"Right," she says, sitting up in bed. "I think we should lock you up for a very long time. Six weeks perhaps..."

My cock inflates like an airbag. I start shaking. There's something on my bucket list, something I've already prepped for. But it has to be something she does to me.

"That would certainly count as Controlled and Scared,"  I say.

"At least until we take a holiday in October," she continues. She glances in the direction of my bedside table where the time lock safe normally keeps my key. "Check the calendar and..."

"How about just using the friendly plastic seal?" I blurt.

"How would that work?"

"Plastic that melts in very hot water," I say. "I take out the locker and push the stuff in. Once it's set, I'd need an hour with a hairdryer or a long hot bath* to get free. I'd basically be stuck until you remembered to free me."

*UPDATE It turns out the long hot bath doesn't work! 

Escape will require careful use of a hairdryer.

"What about if you needed to get out?"

"I've thought about it," I say. "Any circumstances in which I needed an emergency key would already be excruciatingly embarrassing.  And in a medical emergency, they could always cut it off - it's only surgical nylon."

"OK," she says, "That sounds great. Do it."

I'm not surprised. My wife loves having me in chastity, hates having to engage with the fuss of deciding lockups and setting timers. I've basically offered her locked by default. This suits her down to the ground. I have a horrible feeling that only qualms about the practicality have held her back from doing this.

That black blob is the overflow
of the plastic seal.

Still shaking, I go to the kitchen to get a cup of hot water. I've already prepped a rod of just the right size. I let it soak until it's pliable, remove the magic locker from my device and replace it with the plastic.

Which hardens.

As does my cock.

Voila! I'm sealed in. Permanent - or at least open ended - chastity.

I return to the bedroom. "It's set, mistress," I say.

"Excellent," she says. She glances at me, amused, satisfied.

Here's what she sees behind the cut (i.e. cock in chastity picture):

Really not roleplaying our Female Led Relationship

"So you're in charge, and I'm chaste,
and they come as package,
and I have no choice about it?"

"I checked and it's been two years before we had a proper contract negotiation."

"Yes," says Xena. I'm rubbing her feet. She's tired but happy to answer questions (I checked first).

"So we seem to have drifted into Xena's in charge by default," I press.

"Exactly... do my legs."

I oblige, running my hands over her oiled calves. "So, basically, we keep going until you decide otherwise."

"That's right," says my wife.

"Do I have any say in it?" I ask, my cock hardening in its cage.

"No," she says, and I know she actually means it.

"What about the chastity? Can I opt out of that arrangement?"

"Expand?"

I'm caressing her from knee to shapely foot now. "Take back control of my orgasm. Masturbate when I want to?"

"Certainly not." She means that too.

"So you're in charge, and I'm chaste, and they come as package, and I have no choice about it?"

"Yes," says my wife of two decades. "Correct."

"OK..." I say. My penis rears up and tries to split its cage - no chance of that. It doesn't help that I haven't come for months.

This is, of course, not how you're supposed to negotiate BDSM contracts. In fact, that wasn't even a negotiation.

An articulate older and apparently experienced poster on Chastity Mansion said:

Once you establish limits, it becomes role playing. The domme cannot dominate without the subs consent. The sub has the power, not the domme. Utter a safe word and all comes to a halt. The domme has no such word to utter to make you submissive again.

So, what if I'd wanted to argue or insist on a review date? Or insisted that I go back to unfettered masturbation, or that we should move back toward vanilla sex?

Even Roman slaves
had their limits beyond
which they would run away

What if I had insisted on negotiating?

The Femdom would have gone away, leaving us with the dead bedroom we had five years ago. I would have had a choice of (A) too much of a good thing, or (B) not enough of a mediocre thing.

Because the sub doesn't have a magic word to make the domme dominant if she doesn't want to.

So, given I am kinky, love my wife, and want a fulfilling erotic life, Xena really has most of the power in the relationship. Up to my hard limits, my consent doesn't really much matter. That fact, of course, turns me on horribly, meaning that I do actually consent. Because beyond cold pragmatic decisions to consent, I am also deeply, deeply submissive.

No, she can't make me cross my hard limits. She doesn't own me in the sense a Roman slave was owned.

However, even Roman slaves had their limits beyond which they would run away, rebel or simply break and become useless. You would not make your estate manager blow your boyfriend, or send your secretary to pleasure the local garrison.

So Xena's power over me isn't absolute, but we aren't merely role-playing. She can make me do an awful lot of things I don't want to do, and certainly wouldn't without orders...

---

Learn how to how to walk the same Femdom path with your partner! 

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Punishment - don't create a moral hazard!

"I like to wait until at least 60
before I whip you. That
way's more fun."

"Hmm," I say. "That's 30 demerits. They're rather mounting up." I'm writing lots of Femdom porn at the moment, and desperate for a dose of the real thing. (It doesn't help that I'm still stuck with my chastity regime, and unable to masturbate after writing even the hottest scenes.)

"That's OK," says Xena brightly. "I like to wait until at least 60 before I whip you. That way's more fun."

The way she says it, not hamming it up, not being all porno-domme, makes me hard inside my Holy Trainer 2 chastity device.

I'm still hard as I kneel in the corner waiting for lights out, and later, lying next to her.

But in the morning I don't quite feel the visceral fear of the lash.

You see, on the one hand, I do flinch from the prospect of being hit. A few demerits genuinely makes me squirm.

On the other hand, I live for those moments where Xena really does step into her mistress role.

So now, being slapdash, leaving tasks undone... that's a way of bringing on another Femdom session. Worse, the question is now not How many lashes? but merely When?

That night I explain this to her as I rub her feet, not in terms of her spoiling my Femdom experience, but just how it undermines the system.

"I know. It's just this once," she says and goes back to her book.

I'm sure it wasn't just this once, but I don't argue. I don't need to be right, just enslaved...

---

Don't resign yourself to just getting off on other people's adventures! When we started out, my wife was vanilla. Use my manuals to help you walk the same Femdom path! There's one for him, and one for her. 

Lifestyle Relationships: How to turn funishment into real punishment

 Over on Locked Men, a friend messaged me:

So you are in FLR, me too. But my problem is that my gf only spanks me for sexual pleasure and I want her to punish me too when I have been bad or done something stupid. Just a hard spanking so I can´t sit down for a few days and remember not to be bad again.... I want it to be punishment only, nothing I will like or want again. How to do?

His lady, it seems is quite happy to be in charge -- in another pm he told me that she already liked Femdom and FLR when they met -- but that spankings are only ever erotic, and he wants to live under discipline.

Our demerit counter!

The simplest answer is to just ask. 

However, he may get an immediate "No!", not because she is averse to punishing him, but because maintaining this kind of discipline is a nuisance.

Either she has to drop what she's doing and punish him -- annoying or impractical if she was busy doing something else and not in a Femdom headspace -- or else she has to remember that he did something wrong, which will just add to her irritation.

So rather than just ask for discipline, my friend would be better to suggest a specific discipline scheme. 

The one that works for us is to have a demerit counter; a clicker counter easily purchased off Amazon. Whenever I annoy Xena, she gives me a demerit. It's usually my responsibility to add it to the counter. The matter is then forgotten until it's punishment time. 

The demerits then have their own logic, and it's much easier for her to blame me for what she's doing to me. This is much better than her having to think back through one or more weeks and decide how good or bad I have been.

(Assuming he's not a physical masochist, he also needs to explain to her that although it excites him to live under the threat of a spanking, a serious spanking is something he's actually scared of, and that she won't be merely rewarding him for bad behavior. He should also encourage her to hit him hard enough to make him flinch. Possibly she needs to use an implement in order to save her hand.

Why punishment that we find sexy works to modify our behavior is another story.)

EDIT: Oh interesting. I got downvoted on Reddit AGAIN. If you do like this little article, please express your approval accordingly.

---

Don't resign yourself to just getting off on other people's adventures! When we started out, my wife was vanilla. Use my manuals to help you walk the same Femdom path! There's one for him, and one for her. 

Sunday Night Whipping: #2 Xena gags me with a dildo and beats me some more...

Now she has her stockinged feet resting on my
smarting back, and she's using the vibrator

Learn how to live out your wildest dreams 

together! 

(Read part 1)
So I'm bound across the foot of the bed. Xena's just given me a painful whipping. Now she has her stockinged feet resting on my smarting back, and she's using the vibrator.

Under our FLR rules, if she masturbates in the same room, my own Orgasm Day gets deferred to the next available day. So, since Monday is my one window next week, just by switching on the vibrator she's condemned me to wait until a week Monday. Looking will shift it to Tuesday.

The fantasy is exciting, but the reality is grim enough that I lie there staring at her discarded brogues. I really need to come right now, not the week after next, and certainly not halfway through that week.

The vibrator buzzes wetly. My back and buttocks throb. A ripple goes through my chastity cage.

Damn it! I can't not look.

...the shaft glistens.
Your life could be like this!

I crane my neck around so I can just see over my shoulder. Stockingtops frame bare thighs, and between those soft white expanses of flesh flourishes her pubic bush. She has the vibrator burrowing between her lips. Every time she shifts it, the shaft glistens.

Each stroke makes me writhe and suck on
the vibrator. I want it to end, but at the same
time I'm wallowing in her raw power over me. 
Make this happen in your marriage!

I whimper and stare until the strain makes me look away. The buzzing continues and, despite my arms aching, I twist again and watch until my wife sighs and swings off the bed. I watch her stockinged legs as she paces over to where the whips lie draped on a stool.

This isn't a scene. It's not pre-negotiated. Xena is doing what pleases her. Sometimes I get what I want. Sometimes it's a let down. It's the only terms on which she'll do Femdom. It's also dreadfully exciting. Will she beat me now and end the session? Will she save the remaining strokes for later?

"Would you like to lick?" she asks.

My cock lurches. I haven't licked her pussy for months. "Yes," I gasp. I raise my hands as far as my bonds will let me -- just velcro, but to release myself would be unthinkable. "But I appear to be --"

"Good." Xena bends over and pushes the vibrator into my mouth.

"What's the blue dildo for?"
Find out how to ask for kink!

She's never done this before!

I suck wildly, more turned on by the juices than sucking on a dildo-shaped vibrator.

"We'll use that as a gag," says Xena, and begins to whip me.

Each stroke makes me writhe and suck on the vibrator. I want it to end, but at the same time I'm wallowing in her raw power over me.

Finally she finishes. "Release yourself and go kneel in the corner."

Dripping from my chastity device I limp over to kneel in the corner. Xena picks up her kindle, sighs happily and starts to read.

"Which end goes in me?"
This could be your wife!

So much for aftercare!

But then the beating didn't scratch an itch, making me revert to normal. I still feel submissive and I'm happy to kneel in my own space thinking about all that just happened, staring at Xena's gorgeous legs in their warm woolen stockings. Just not our dynamic.

After a while, she tells me to clear up. As I unclip my fetters from the bed, she points at the sex toys where they are laid out on a chair, "What's the blue dildo for?"

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My heart leaps. She means the Feeldoe. "That one's a strapless double-headed dildo."

"Oh? I don't understand. Which end goes in me?"

My mouth goes a little dry. "The bulbous end. It's supposed to give you a penis so you can penetrate me."

"Hmmm," says Xena. "Not sure that's my thing."

"I... er... wouldn't you like to know what you look like with a penis?" I ask. "It's a big fantasy for me so it would be particularly tormenting for me to see you wearing it..."

Xena smiles. "Oh, OK."

Dazedly I pace over to the sex toys. As I pick up the double-headed dildo I remember the clause in our contract, "Spontaneous or unlicensed ejaculation, 5 weeks plus 40 demerits."

---

Don't resign yourself to just getting off on other people's adventures! When we started out, my wife was vanilla. Use my manuals to help you walk the same Femdom path! There's one for him, and one for her. 

Our Female Led Relationship Contract line by line

Find out how to ask for this!

As promised, here's a line by line explanation of our Female Led Relationship contract. I read it out to Xena as she did her yoga. She was a bit "Oh god do we have to do it right now" at first, but as I read got into it.

The comments are going to make the format ugly, so I'll put in a read more break.

Wearing a chastity device 24/7 (and Xena talks about how she likes to whip me)

...a rare sleepy intimate chat about Femdom.
Find out how to get some of this in your life!

The other night I we have a rare sleepy intimate chat about Femdom. I remind Xena of this conversation:

"I feel I have to ask your permission not to belt up."
It is not always easy to settle down to sleep in a chastity device
when you're sharing the bed with a beautiful woman you love.
"Too right," says Xena.
"So," I continue, risking pushing a little. "I've been wearing the Holy Trainer most nights, but what are the rules?"
"Where it whenever it's needed," says my wife.
I chuckle. "You need to be more specific than that."
"At night," says Xena. "Otherwise you might masturbate - which is how this all started."
"What? Oh." This is news to me. "And during the day when on my own?"
"Yes," says Xena.
"OK," I say, 

"See," I say into her back.  "You do forget things."

Her laughter comes through the dark of our bedroom. "Well sometimes I get ideas on the spur of the moment and don't always remember later."

"That's fine," I say. "But that's how I've been living since then, and when you said you didn't care about the day, you made me feel like a middle-aged pervert."

She likes beating me, but only when it
makes some kind of sense.
Find out how to get some of this in your life!

Amusement bubbles through her voice. "But you are a middle-aged pervert. But OK. Sorry. That is what I wanted."

"Are we still talking sexy things?" I ask.

"Go on..."

"Well I wondered..."

Xena finds this funny. I'm much less forthright these days, I guess. "Go on, spit it out!"

"Well, you know how you like beating me...?"

"Yes...?"

I squirm. Her casual admission turns me on horribly.

"Would you ever like to just beat me? I mean no demerits. Just..."

"No. That would be weird. Though sometimes if I feel like it I do add extra."

We chat around it. She likes beating me, but only when it makes some kind of sense. It has to be punishment, not just for the hell of it -- confirmation that the demerit counter was a very good idea.

It's odd wearing a chastity device
24/7 through all the ins
 and outs of normal life.
Find out how to get some of this in your life!

Moments later, she's asleep and I'm lying there in the dark, hard inside my chastity device.

It's odd wearing a chastity device 24/7 through all the ins and outs of normal life.

It's certainly not erotic. I mean most of the time I don't notice the Holy Trainer 2 is there. When I do notice it, it's frankly comforting. So much so that when I had to escape to for my midweek swim I actually felt a mounting sense of panic.

Slave Giles only existed in the
bedroom...
Find out how to get some of this in your life!

Possibly I was nervous of breaking the £100 sex toy -- remember I have to warm the ring to bend it back, and that's only going to work a few times. However that sense of nervousness has blended with the psychological barrier against pull-out. Some of this is bound up in Xena clearly wanting me chaste, even though she doesn't always "own" that thought. The longer I spend locked up, the harder it is to contemplate removing the chastity device.

What it is most certainly is a blurring of identities.

Once upon a time, there was a Slave Giles and a Regular Giles.

Slave Giles only existed in the bedroom, then around the house for sexy weekends, then in the house all the time and if we went off together. Slave Giles listened to different kinds of music, didn't read the kind of manly thrillers Regular Giles like, didn't do man stuff in general except home improvement...

Now it turns out that they are the same person. I'm typing this listening to Guns 'n Roses. In a little while I'll go shopping. I might meet a friend for coffee... and I'm still the same person. Some processing to do, I think.

---

Don't resign yourself to just getting off on other people's adventures! When we started out, my wife was vanilla. Use my manuals to help you walk the same Femdom path! There's one for him, and one for her. 

My wife really likes me to kneel in the corner at bedtime!

We spent yesterday tidying
up our garden for the onset
 of Autumn, Xena
giving orders 
Find out how to get some of this in your life!

We spent yesterday tidying up our garden for the onset of Autumn, Xena giving orders but not explicit Femdom; our garden is pretty private, but Xena worries about her voice carrying or somebody popping their head over the fence, which is sensible enough I think.

I was anticipating some more intense Femdom in the evening, but Xena fell asleep while I was kneeling in the corner.

I waited ten minutes in an agony of indecision.

Would she be cross if I didn't come to bed?

She's sensitive to me trying to piggyback my masochism off normal life, and also gets cross if I try to land her with extra responsibility; would she feel it a burden to remember to tell me to come to bed before drifting off?

Eventually I decided to at least turn off her reading light and put her tablet on the bedside table. I rolled forward onto my knees.

Xena's eyes snapped open.
"Back in your corner."
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Like a movie vampire, Xena's eyes snapped open. "Back in your corner."

Later, when she did call me to bed, I said, "Sorry, I don't know what to do when you fall asleep."

"Stay sitting in the corner," she said with no hint of hesitation.

"By sitting I take it you mean kneeling?" I said.

"Yes," she said. "But if you are sure I am asleep, you may change position."

I settled down with a profound sense of relief, two ambiguities solved. First, the practical one. I now know what to do.

The second, subtler. I now know for sure that the corner thing is as much for her as for me. I'm not just being humored. That thought kept me hard inside my Holy Trainer for quite a while as I drifted into sleep.

---

Don't resign yourself to just reading other people's Femdom adventures! When we started out, my wife was vanilla. Use my manuals to help you walk the same Femdom path! There's one for him, and one for her. 

Xena crosses a line with demerits (I'm not complaining)

"You never actually finish a room when
you clean it! Five demerits."Dare to add some Femdom to your love life!

Last week Xena comes home from work, storms around the house, and declares, "You never actually finish a room when you clean it! Five demerits."

"Oh."

I'm more surprised than turned on.

Xena obviously likes the control the demerit system gives her, enjoys dishing out the resulting beating, but still has some difficulty owning her half of the relationship outside specifically kinky time. But here she is promising me five painful strokes with a riding whip.

"I'm sorry," says Xena sounding defensive. "But I really need to come home to a tidy house and this seems the only way."

"No. I've been rubbish. That's what demerits are for." And it's true. I felt guilty, redeemed, and hopelessly turned on.

This is how I like it. Without demerits I'm just a henpecked husband whose wife lets him wear a chastity device as long as he doesn't fuss. More importantly than that, demerits are a way to stop her from being irritated with me. If I get something wrong, she can give me a demerit and the issue is closed as long as I take her seriously, which I do.

So when we started out earlier this year, I got into the habit of coaching her. Whenever she said anything that required an apology from me, I'd say, "I suppose that was another demerit?" It usually was. Sometimes it was more. But that meant she could say that being whipped was my idea, which I also hate.

Back to last week.

On Friday, I take a gamble and tell her I'm going to stop suggesting demerits. If she wants the benefits of a slave, then she has to treat me like one.

I realize she's crossed a line
with those three demerits.Find out how to get to start the journey
to this place!

I expect to have to bite my lip and let potential demerits slide, but they arrive one after the other, day by day. Then last night I make my report. I've met all my targets -- erotica word count, diet, cleaning.

"Very good," she says and I know she means it. She likes being in charge. 

"Was everything else the way you like it?" I ask.

She wrinkles her brow. "Yes."

"So no demerits," I say with a real sense of relief. I'm already at 35 demerits and though the prospect excites me, I know that that's a lot of strokes to take. I'm not going to enjoy that beating.

"Wait," says Xena. "Earlier on you talked over my dialogue--"

It's true. She was watching TV and I interrupted to ask how long the show lasted so I could decide whether to settle to an activity or go to bed with a book. I obviously chose the wrong moment and she growled at me.

"--so give yourself three demerits."

Even in vanilla time, I'm now
living under the shadow of the whip.Find out how to get some of this in your life!

"Yes mistress," I say and go to kneel in the corner.

She quickly calls me back to give her a foot and leg massage that lasts just under an hour. No conversation, just me mutely serving. Very much the slave.

I lavish attention on her curves. There's nowhere to go with this, no chance of an orgasm, no benefit in yearning to creep further up to her thighs and pussy but that's fine. It's like being a teenager again -- OMG I'm touching a woman's leg! Running my hands over it! I would be a walking--kneeling-- horn, except that the Holy Trainer 2 keeps my cock pointing down.

And as I rub and thumb and stroke, I realize she's crossed a line with those three demerits.

Up until now, demerits outside kinky space have always been about my duties and our shared domestic  life. Did I clean up after myself? Did I complete my tasks? Did I break some crockery? Even the time I cost us money by missing a special offer on some jewelry related to something she'd asked me to do.

These new demerits were about a pretty mundane husband-wife interaction. I'd talked over her TV show, she'd got cross with me. It's a subtle thing, but it's definitely a new development. She's started to use demerits as leverage in our day-to-day relationship!

Even in vanilla time, I'm now living under the shadow of the whip.

That thought tips me over the edge and I'm leaking by the time she tells me to come to bed.

"That's a lot of demerits to administer," I say.

"Oh," she says with a smile. "I'll manage."

---

Don't resign yourself to just getting off on other people's adventures! When we started out, my wife was vanilla. Use my manuals to help you walk the same Femdom path! There's one for him, and one for her. 

My Chastity Hell: Trading her orgasms for mine

"You can kneel in the corner, slave, while I masturbate.
"Find out how to get some of this in your life!

Tuesday night, almost midnight.

I put the now-cool casserole into the fridge and hurry back to the bedroom ready to turn in.

Xena looks up from her book. "You can kneel in the corner, slave, while I masturbate."

"Oh god," I blurt. "It's during the week. That's going to cost me 2 days."

A few weeks ago we agreed new rules. I get to masturbate privately every Monday during the day.

However, if Xena has an orgasm, it puts back my masturbation day as follows:

---

Chastity Rules Controlling My Orgasm

• If I'm in the room, 1 day.
• If I get to watch,  2 days.
• If I'm involved, 3 days.
• If I get to use the strap on, 4 days.
• If it's during the week, double.
• No masturbation in the weekends.
• If I do ejaculate by some means, that's borrowing my orgasm from the future.

This is my idea but Xena seems to quite like it; the idea of her pleasure stealing mine piques her sadism.

For me it's more complex.

During my 150 day denial, there was a period when Xena was too tired or stressed for erotic or sensual activity and I felt utterly neglected, as if my sexuality had been parked, as if the joke was on me.

It turned out not to be and we had an amazing week of Femdom and I still grin when I wake up and find myself locked in my chastity device.

Even so I wanted to set up a system that was sustainable and self correcting and didn't make me feel like an idiot. This way, low periods are enlivened by the prospect of me getting to masturbate, and there is the strong possibility that Xena will be tempted into more regular orgasms, just like right now...

---

"I didn't even get to come properly on Monday," I add ruefully. It's true.  I managed to kind of peg myself to more of an ejaculation than an orgasm.

"I don't care. Go kneel."

And I do.

The demerit system doesn't remotely
feel like a game anymore...
Find out how to get some of this in your life!

It feels a lifetime ago, but it was only a month ago when we entered another FLR period. This time it feels 100% real.

Disobeying, arguing, wheedling are all unthinkable, and Xena has taken to casually handing out demerits during seemingly vanilla time. Not properly completing any one room? 2 demerits. Grumpy in the morning due to headache? 3 demerits. Late coming to bed? 1 demerit. 

The demerit system doesn't remotely feel like a game anymore, if it ever was.

She glances my way - that's new - then it's her default under-the-covers wank, not the pyrotechnic exhibitionism I "enjoyed" earlier in the month. There's not much to see, just her hand making her breast quiver, and all I can hear is the click click of her Kindle as she flicks through whatever porn she's getting off to.

Meanwhile, I kneel in the corner ignored, as invisible as if I were spying on her through a keyhole.

Playing voyeur on a private moment more than makes up for the unshowy masturbation going on under the covers. After all, this is how most women must get off when there's no audience: no rose petals, warm clothing, comfy bed, reading glasses if needed...

Perhaps deep down part of my fetish life comes
 from the feeling that female sexuality is emasculating.
Find out how to get some of this in your life!

So I'm as hard as a rock inside my Holy Trainer 2, each twitch of hand on nipple sending seismic pulses through my imprisoned groin.

And then I realize that this is costing me two more days without an orgasm! 

Perhaps that's why she's doing it -- that glance? -- or perhaps she just fancies a quiet frigging session. It doesn't matter. The thing that's turning me on is also eroding my own capacity to masturbate.

Perhaps deep down part of my fetish life comes from the feeling that female sexuality is emasculating. Now things are set up in our bedroom so this is almost literally true. The feeling or aroused panic is... exquisite.

Xena puts away her kindle. "You may come to bed, slave."

As I slip under the covers, I say, "That puts things off to Wednesday."

"Too bad," says Xena. "Good night."

---

Don't resign yourself to just getting off on other people's adventures! When we started out, my wife was vanilla. Use my manuals to help you walk the same Femdom path! There's one for him, and one for her. 

Femdom phone tease

...despite being in her forties, my wife reminds me of one of those
bubbly flappers I so love.
Find out how to get some of this in your life!

"That's cheap," says Xena. I can hear her footsteps in the background. She's walking home.

We're talking about a new kettle at a local bargain store. "I don't think it's a counterfeit," I say. "I've had several cups of tea and I'm fine..." I throw her a line in case she wants to play; "...except this odd erectile dysfunction."

Xena giggles and despite being in her forties, my wife reminds me of one of those bubbly flappers I so love.  "I think that's caused by other issues."

 I might as well have stepped through
 a door to one of my fantasy worlds.

My penis comes alive in its chastity device. "Which reminds me, you're mean..." I say, squirming.

"Of course I am."

"...that thing you said last night." (After a beating me and making me help her masturbate, she told me to go to sleep without thinking about the big dildo going in and out of her vagina.) "Have you any idea how hard it is not to think of it? I suddenly start to drift off and I think, Oh good, I've stopped thinking about it and then WHAM! And this morning and all the way into town. And back!"

Xena sounds gleeful. "And there's nothing you can do about it."

Now my chastity device is so tight I can barely stand. "Oh god. Oh god."

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"Just think," says Xena. "You have ten demerits already. What will happen tonight...?"

I slump into a chair and clutch my imprisoned groin. "Help..." I say and I mean it. I'm so far out of my comfort zone on this that I might as well have stepped through a door to one of my fantasy worlds.

I tell her about blogging last night, and how many hits we're getting -- which seems to please her -- then ask if she'll pick up desert and cheese from the shops.

Xena is not pleased. She gives me a demerit over the phone. And that was just for the cheese.

(What happened next...)

---

Don't resign yourself to just getting off on other people's adventures! When we started out, my wife was vanilla. Use my manuals to help you walk the same Femdom path! There's one for him, and one for her.