Monday, 4 September 2017

Really not roleplaying our Female Led Relationship

"So you're in charge, and I'm chaste,
and they come as package,
and I have no choice about it?"
"I checked and it's been two years before we had a proper contract negotiation."

"Yes," says Xena. I'm rubbing her feet. She's tired but happy to answer questions (I checked first).

"So we seem to have drifted into Xena's in charge by default," I press.

"Exactly... do my legs."

I oblige, running my hands over her oiled calves. "So, basically, we keep going until you decide otherwise."

"That's right," says my wife.

"Do I have any say in it?" I ask, my cock hardening in its cage.

"No," she says, and I know she actually means it.

"What about the chastity? Can I opt out of that arrangement?"


I'm caressing her from knee to shapely foot now. "Take back control of my orgasm. Masturbate when I want to?"

"Certainly not." She means that too.

"So you're in charge, and I'm chaste, and they come as package, and I have no choice about it?"

"Yes," says my wife of two decades. "Correct."

"OK..." I say. My penis rears up and tries to split its cage - no chance of that. It doesn't help that I haven't come for months.

This is, of course, not how you're supposed to negotiate BDSM contracts. In fact, that wasn't even a negotiation.

An articulate older and apparently experienced poster on Chastity Mansion said:
Once you establish limits, it becomes role playing. The domme cannot dominate without the subs consent. The sub has the power, not the domme. Utter a safe word and all comes to a halt. The domme has no such word to utter to make you submissive again.
So, what if I'd wanted to argue or insist on a review date? Or insisted that I go back to unfettered masturbation, or that we should move back toward vanilla sex?

Even Roman slaves
had their limits beyond
which they would run away
What if I had insisted on negotiating?

The Femdom would have gone away, leaving us with the dead bedroom we had five years ago. I would have had a choice of (A) too much of a good thing, or (B) not enough of a mediocre thing.

Because the sub doesn't have a magic word to make the domme dominant if she doesn't want to.

So, given I am kinky, love my wife, and want a fulfilling erotic life, Xena really has most of the power in the relationship. Up to my hard limits, my consent doesn't really much matter. That fact, of course, turns me on horribly, meaning that I do actually consent. Because beyond cold pragmatic decisions to consent, I am also deeply, deeply submissive.

No, she can't make me cross my hard limits. She doesn't own me in the sense a Roman slave was owned.

However, even Roman slaves had their limits beyond which they would run away, rebel or simply break and become useless. You would not make your estate manager blow your boyfriend, or send your secretary to pleasure the local garrison.

So Xena's power over me isn't absolute, but we aren't merely role-playing. She can make me do an awful lot of things I don't want to do, and certainly wouldn't without orders...

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  1. What I read here is that her power in your relationship pivots on the fact that she doesn't seem to have anywhere near as much interest in kinks as you do -- ultimately in any relationship (or aspect of it) the side that has more to lose/more investment has more overall power.

    And following from that, the most interesting implication is that a fundamentally sexually vanilla person will have more power in a sexual sphere than the kinky person, roles notwithstanding -- it seems that "not having femdom" would be a bigger loss for you than for her?

    1. Ironic, isn't it? Yes, logically, the less kinky the D-type, the more actual RL power they wield over the S-type!

      In Xena's case, she possibly is more invested in it than she tells herself - she doesn't introspect over sex, which drives me nuts! However, I don't really want to go there and find out...

      As a general rule, the lower desire partner, whether male or female, controls the sex in a relationship. What seems to damage relationships long term is that the HDP pushes and the LDP recoils. That's how we ended up with a dead bedroom in the first place.

  2. An aesthetic question: what is the painting at the top? I like Greco-Roman CFNM!

    - Mr. Bump

  3. Roleplaying long enough and the subjective feeling of real is the expected psychology or outcome.

    1. True. But in BDSM, "roleplaying" is often a fig leaf. In our case, the only element that's not real in the sense of being in our heads is our power exchange. However, if that's roleplay, then so is marriage.


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