Monday, 31 October 2011

Is it worth looking for the origins of a man's Femdom fantasies?

Like semen, fetish has a way of spreading over everything it touches.

Imagine an adolescent male who masturbates over bondage fantasies because he enjoys the sense of peril and the stretched sensation.

The imagination being what it is, he wraps a story around the fantasy to give it some context. Who would tie him up? A "traditional dominatrix"? Gradually he develops a fetish for latex ladies. Or has he been looking at too many Boris illustrations? Now chain mail bikinis are also his turn on.

What else would she make him do? A dungeon-full of props and activities become a turn on. At first they just point to the bondage fantasy. Soon they become fetishes in their own right.

Then, this lust-dripping fantasy world becomes a playground where he can work out his frustrations and issues. Possibly he has no idea how to get laid, let alone what it would be like. Even thinking about the terrifying process of courtship is stressful. How much easier to imagine the girls that he fancies as part of his femdom inner world.

If he's scared of women or ambivalent about his masculinity, then he'll invent scenarios that work around this... she's in charge, he doesn't get to come... The sense of release fuels the fetish. Some young women are easier to imagine as dominatrixes than others. The class bitch will get more than a few walk on roles.

Meanwhile, submission in its own right becomes a fetish, because it points to all this kinky goodness. However, the new fantasies grow from the submission fetish. "True" submission packs a panicky erotic punch and draws him away from fantasies where he is the centre of attention. The original bondage fantasy no longer fits, and quietly fades away. 
 Does the history of his Femdom fantasies matter?

I don't think so. It's simply not useful. For example, the man who was a boy in this tale wouldn't be particularly interested in playing bondage games, unless they obviously excited his partner.

It is, however, useful to be aware that fantasies colonise by association. Any "compromise" Femdom action he and his partner arrive at has a good chance of becoming erotically charged.

For example, suppose she's happy to boss him around, but only if she can wear what she likes; after all, she's supposed to be relaxing. He can have a day as her slave, but she's going to wear her old jogging pants and baggy T-shirt. At first this is a bit of a let down. Then two things happen...

He realises that her casual dress code reflects his total lack of power. She doesn't have to put on a show for him, doesn't have to look good, because she is totally in control. At the same time, he's getting all the slavery he wants, complete with service and (mild) beatings. She only has to put on the jogging pants to make him get hard.

Monday, 24 October 2011

An actual Vanilla Dominatrix reviews of "The Vanilla Dominatrix"

"Kisanji" says:
I am constantly on the look out for info/books that could help would be Vanilla-ish Dommes and/or guys who are hoping to introduce the idea of F/m interactions into their relationships. I've come across a couple of recommendable books, and recently I had the chance to read another recommendable ebook. "The Vanilla Dominatrix" by Giles English. (found at… )
Giles guides the (male) reader through
  • observing his girlfriend/wife,
  • figuring out her communication and energy modes,
  • using that information to figure out windows of opportunities for FemDom activities,
  • how to introduce ideas specific to those windows of opportunities,
  • and basically, how to maximize the benefits and minimize the costs for her.
While Giles gave plenty of examples and exercises, I would have liked to have seen a more detailed process of what was actually observed in the female's actions that led him to the conclusion of her modes. I would also have liked to see a method for checking that the observations and conclusions actually applied to that particular female, as a way of reducing fantasy and desires influencing the male's observations. Reducing these influences might reduce possible fuck-ups during the observation and figuring out processes. As for myself, having the greater detail in these two first, most important, steps might make it easier for me to figure out my own modes. As is, I feel a bit like I'm floundering in this part.
The steps and processes after that seem easy enough to work out. I love the idea he gives of using those windows of opportunities as a way of getting one's foot in the door. A side-effect of this part is that the female might feel as if her guy has honestly paid attention to her needs, or read her mind. This stems from the guy having actually spent time getting to know her modes, before even bringing up kink. And what kink he does bring up, is specific to her modes and needs. A great cycle.
It's a smallish sized ebook, but it lacks much of the filler content I find in other books, making the 89 pages a decent size. It's written specifically for the guys, though an interested female might make some use of the info. It's price point is a bit high for an impulse buy, but considering what many submissive/kinky males will pay for less useful information, it's an understandable price. However, it might reduce vanilla-ish female dominants from purchasing it in their own searches..but then...again, she's not really the primary target. His blog site has mentioned the idea of writing an ebook for Her, so perhaps she will benefit from what he's learned from making and selling this first book.
There are a few minor grammar errors, mostly those that occur during an editing process where part of one idea or sentence was partially deleted, but a couple of words like 'in' or 'be' got left out. But...since I'm not a grammar nazi, those errors didn't really bother me.
  Yep, it is short. It took a lot of effort to compress all the thoughts into so few words :)

I'd love to add more specific tips on "window spotting", especially the testing and verification process. I'll, hoping eventually I'll be able to gather some examples from readers.

Sensible advice on scams from Ferns

There are scammers who will invest in you..

Go read!

Saturday, 15 October 2011

DreamLover device is real!

Discussion over on Fetlife indicates that the DreamLover device actually exists! I love the idea of it; a remote control that stimulates or punishes the wearer of a chastity belt. It's just the kind of low-overhead thing a vanilla dominatrix would enjoy using. Pity about the price...

Thursday, 13 October 2011

Robert Anthony reviews "The Vanilla Dominatrix"

I sent Robert Anthony a copy of my femdom manual and he was kind enough to post a review. It's quite a balanced piece, which means that I'm all the more pleased that he was able to say:

This book is written from an almost academic standpoint, with references to ancient Greece in the early parts of the book and a scientific approach to the task at hand. Rest assured this book has a purpose and anyone purchasing in the hope of being titillated will be disappointed. This is written like a text book, which does make it a little dry for the casual reader, but if you are considering purchasing this book then you are probably not a casual reader.
Giles gets you to analyse your own circumstances and uses examples to show how you can 'manipulate' situations to get the things you want without crossing your wife/lover's boundaries. The word manipulate always carries negative connotations, but in this instance I don't see that it should. Manipulation is exactly what is being suggested, but if that has the positive outcome that is the aim of the book, and everyone is happy in the end, then I don't see the harm.
The truth is most women would probably baulk at the idea of male submission and chastity, until they try it, but how do you convince them if they flatly refuse to try it? What this book sets out to do is to suggest ways you can steer your relationship gradually the way you would like it to go. I still think there are a few jumps in assumption here and there, and the fact is all you can do is try and show your wife/lover the benefits to her of accepting your proposal, and seeing how it goes.
I'd rather he hadn't used the word "manipulate", though I can see why he does. I prefer "extend", in that I never say lie to your partner, or cynically exploit them. Instead, try to extend their vanilla pleasures into kink, while being honest (but without spilling your guts).

Judge for yourself - you can read the preview of the Vanilla Dominatrix by clicking this link...

Monday, 10 October 2011

Time lock safe for timed chastity etc?

If you've read my femdom how-to guide, you'll know that I'm a fan of not giving her the keys (unless she wants them). Turning her into a keyholder shifts the focus from being locked up, to when she will decide to release you. That's a lot of pressure for an inexperienced dominatrix, and rather distracting for you - it's hard to relax into the experience if you are wondering whether she'll suddenly "relent" in the heat of the moment.  Better for her not to have the keys in the first place!

The cheapest way to do this, is using free timlock software. However, that involves a little preparation, including scanning in your padlock combination. A better option would be a time-locked safe.

I've only found one, and until yesterday, I hadn't seen any reviews of it.  It's called CapturedDiscipline, and has a quaint website that earnestly pushes all the possible non-erotic uses :)

It's only USD 99, or a abotu GBP 100 including postage. However,I've no idea how good these guys are, or how reliable.

Does anybody have this? Or, has anybody seen any reviews?

Wednesday, 5 October 2011

Revised Version of The Vanilla Dominatrix!

Just to say I've revised my femdom manual in response to all the feedback. If you've already purchased a copy, please email it back to me and I'll send you a free update. (Obviously, I won't be doing this forever, but it seems fair.)

Sunday, 2 October 2011

Next Project? "How to be a Vanilla Dominatrix"

A book for her to read?
On and elsewhere, women sometimes seek advice on how to dominate their partner. One even private messaged me and asked whether my femdom how-to guide would help her.

I'm... unsure about this.

On the one hand, it seems wrong for a man to tell a woman how to be dominant.

On the other... well, I've learned what works and what doesn't through my own failures, and rare successes, and through listening to others. I think I would confidently advise a friend, so why not people who would be friends if I knew them in real life?

Not all men can talk about their fantasies, or have had time to think about them enough. Perhaps they're the kind of man who can't learn from a book, or are too young or too romantic to think they should. In such a case, if their partner is willing to explore femdom and wants to take charge of the direction things are going... perhaps I can help.

The important thing, the thing that makes all this work, is the idea of the Vanilla Dominatrix.

A Vanilla Dominatrix is a woman who, from time-to-time, dominates her partner in a consensual but unscripted way, but neither identifies as kinky, nor gets a buzz from being kinky. She may engage in femdom at the prompting of her partner, but she enjoys exactly the same benefits that she would  if the power relationship were real.

These benefits all relate to her real personality, not some fantasy role, and are extensions of things she already enjoys. Namely, these are: services, things she enjoys having done for her; and games, her natural playfulness taken to the next level. For example, if she enjoys a back rub with a "happy ending", then in session, she can get those on tap, with no obligation to satisfy her partner (service). If she enjoys flirting, then in session, she can tease her partner until he drips (game).

If the services and games are enjoyable enough for her, she may grant her partner perks in return, for example opening with some erotic ritual, or agreeing to some props or clothing. Otherwise, the focus of the session is entirely on her real needs and whims.

What? No latex?
The Vanilla Dominatrix differs from some Dominatrixes as described in other books and places:
  • The focus is on her pleasing herself, rather than her partner - though of course pleasing him, may be something that pleases her. There's no script, or advice on theatrics.
  • Services, if she enjoys them, are not byproducts or fringe benefits. They can be at the core of her experience.
  • The exchange of power is assumed. There's no need to manipulate, or coerce, unless that's what she wants.
  • The relationship is strictly part-time. This is more realistic that 24/7, and does away with all the considerations of whether she really wants a subordinate partner. It also allows things to be deeper and nastier, without a sense of setting a new standard.

Is it worth suggesting how this might work from her perspective? I haven't decided yet.