Next Project? "How to be a Vanilla Dominatrix"

A book for her to read?

On Fetlife.com and elsewhere, women sometimes seek advice on how to dominate their partner. One even private messaged me and asked whether my femdom how-to guide would help her.


I'm... unsure about this.

On the one hand, it seems wrong for a man to tell a woman how to be dominant.

On the other... well, I've learned what works and what doesn't through my own failures, and rare successes, and through listening to others. I think I would confidently advise a friend, so why not people who would be friends if I knew them in real life?

Not all men can talk about their fantasies, or have had time to think about them enough. Perhaps they're the kind of man who can't learn from a book, or are too young or too romantic to think they should. In such a case, if their partner is willing to explore femdom and wants to take charge of the direction things are going... perhaps I can help.

The important thing, the thing that makes all this work, is the idea of the Vanilla Dominatrix.

A Vanilla Dominatrix is a woman who, from time-to-time, dominates her partner in a consensual but unscripted way, but neither identifies as kinky, nor gets a buzz from being kinky. She may engage in femdom at the prompting of her partner, but she enjoys exactly the same benefits that she would  if the power relationship were real.

These benefits all relate to her real personality, not some fantasy role, and are extensions of things she already enjoys. Namely, these are: services, things she enjoys having done for her; and games, her natural playfulness taken to the next level. For example, if she enjoys a back rub with a "happy ending", then in session, she can get those on tap, with no obligation to satisfy her partner (service). If she enjoys flirting, then in session, she can tease her partner until he drips (game).

If the services and games are enjoyable enough for her, she may grant her partner perks in return, for example opening with some erotic ritual, or agreeing to some props or clothing. Otherwise, the focus of the session is entirely on her real needs and whims.

What? No latex?

The Vanilla Dominatrix differs from some Dominatrixes as described in other books and places:

• The focus is on her pleasing herself, rather than her partner - though of course pleasing him, may be something that pleases her. There's no script, or advice on theatrics.
• Services, if she enjoys them, are not byproducts or fringe benefits. They can be at the core of her experience.
• The exchange of power is assumed. There's no need to manipulate, or coerce, unless that's what she wants.
• The relationship is strictly part-time. This is more realistic that 24/7, and does away with all the considerations of whether she really wants a subordinate partner. It also allows things to be deeper and nastier, without a sense of setting a new standard.

Is it worth suggesting how this might work from her perspective? I haven't decided yet.