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From Vanilla to Femdom: Two case studies revealing that the kink was already there

Sometimes vanilla 
couples just turn kinky!

Sometimes vanilla couples just turn kinky. This seems to happen a lot more often than you'd expect as long as the initiating partner doesn't screw up.

Obviously, my Femdom manuals can help you. However, that's because there's already something very basic at work.

To get a handle on this, here are two case studies -- quoted with permission -- of men who used my Femdom manuals to introduce kink to their relationships.

Mr A gets more Femdom than he bargained for

Mr A, anonymous commentator on this blog made some mistakes but through heroic self-discipline managed to ensure that things turned out OK:

I bought both books. Getting Her to be a Vanilla Dominatrix was good, pointed out a lot of things I did wrong early in our relationship.

That made me smile! I put a lot of work into that book. However, interestingly, he preferred my other Femdom guide:

However, The Roman Dominatrix is amazing. Creating that firewall and the psychological aspects of getting her to feel comfortable in the role were especially helpful. Looking forward to seeing how it all works out. Thank you!

That one is certainly simpler and has a consistent theme. However, he asked his wife to read it. Naughty! You're not supposed to do that; your fantasy, you do the work!

He also stored up trouble for himself with another blooper:

I also informed her that I would no longer taking care of myself on my own, but that I would only seek pleasure in her company. No chastity, no kink, just a simple pledge from a husband to a wife.

Though Mr A spins it as vanilla, this crosses the line because it hands over power to her, thus setting up a Femdom dynamic -- great if you want  a Female Led Relationship, not so good if not. Both my books are all about maintaining a kinky safe space behind a firewall to prevent the Femdom leaking out into the relationship.

Naturally, she didn't read my book. However, something interesting happened:

"...dealt with it as you describe a
Servus should."
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A week went by, I was beside myself with want. I felt like a horny teenager again. We had amazing sex for the first time in years.

Assuming she shared this opinion, she obviously liked the power he'd given her. Mr A very wisely shut up about his fantasies and played  a long game:

Two more weeks passed. I remained good to my word. I've never gone that long in my life. I didn't bring up the book. I kind of felt like I was being tested. Like she was waiting for me to get moody, pushy or overly demanding. I stayed true and dealt with it as you describe a Servus should.

This is heroic stuff. If you've not done this, I can tell you from experience that it takes a hell of a lot of maturity! He was rewarded, and through self discipline avoided screwing up:

Then Saturday morning she reveals to me that she's been doing some reading. Needless to say my heart skipped a beat.

Light teasing ensued and she started teasing me/flirting with me throughout the day. 
After amazing sex again the following morning she remarked that I may be in big trouble... 
She's starting to come into her own. Touching me, teasing me throughout the day and evenings. I still kept all my past issues/kinks/etc in check.

"Then last night the dam broke. This woman 
who I love turned into a force of nature." 
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Then last night the dam broke. This woman who I love turned into a force of nature. I've never seen anything like it.

....She informs me... I should be wary because I've created a monster. Frankly I am a little nervous after last night. But I wouldn't have it any other way.
Thank you!

"It wasn't that she didn't
have kinks, she didn't like 
all the bs fetish fantasy."

What's interesting is that she is very obviously enjoying herself. Mr A commented:

...your discussion of the Servus and the mind frame required is what really hit home for me and I think what ultimately did it for her as I put it in practice.

Once she realized that she could be completely self indulgent it was like setting off a powder keg. 

...I considered myself the kinky one, it turns out I completely misjudged her. It wasn't that she didn't have kinks, she didn't like all the bs fetish fantasy that typically comes with the male fantasy. She also didn't think it was safe to share her kinks (I've made a lot of mistakes in our marriage).

She revealed all sorts of exciting things she plans to do to me that had knees buckling. After last night, she woke me up by stroking me and having me take care of her again! AND she says be prepared for another rough night. :)

Power corrupts ;)

So far two obvious factors are at work:

1. Power corrupts -- once she realizes she can be self indulgent, she indulges herself.

2. She already has kinks but needed to feel free of the porno-femdom expectations. (Not a surprise about the kinks. For example, nearly half of women do have Femdom fantasies.)

There's a third more important factor, but I'll come to that.

Now, remember when Mr A started handing over power to her? This chicken is coming home to roost:

Alarm bells are going off in my head. Is this too fast? I don't want to ruin it, after all we still haven't even made it to Roma, but then again, I don't want to try to exert any control and consequently ruin as well. I think the answer is, as I've answered every question to myself along this journey is "What would a Servus do?"

"..really pushy in ways that I wasn't
prepared to go." 

And two more chickens:

I'm pretty sure I just ruined it. She still hadn't read the book and was getting really pushy in ways that I wasn't prepared to go. Sure I have service as a fantasy and I thought Roma was the perfect solution. A way to escape to a fantasy. However, FLR is not something I'm prepared to do.

I kept it all to myself, but I started feeling hurt that it's been a month and she still couldn't be bothered to read your book... She... pressed to know what was wrong. I tried to delicately explain that I was hurt she hadn't bothered to read the book.

She accused me of topping from the bottom and ruining it again. I disagree, I feel like it's a mutual respect issue.

Add on top of that I'm feeling pretty moody due fact that I'm being good and only having pleasure in her presence (days 4 and 5 seem to be tough). I'm starting to really doubt the long term efficacy of this whole thing.

At this point things have gone well offtrack!

Mr A has accidentally handed over relationship power to her, and she's gleefully exploiting it. He is getting Femdom, mostly thanks to the kinds of techniques described in Vanilla Dominatrix, but still pestering her to read the book he shouldn't really have given her. Meanwhile the chastity is driving him nuts.

I've been there!

At this point things have gone
well offtrack! 

He's having an intense experience and actually handling it better than I would. Submission is both addictive and terrifying. The more we experience it, the more we lose control, which, if we normal, sends is into a kind of panic. This is especially true if the D&S has gotten into the normal relationship. So we claw for control by "topping from the bottom", hence I think Mr A clinging to the idea that she should read the book.

At this point I was starting to feel guilty! If only I'd been more forthcoming when our exchange began! If only I'd said some of the stuff I've just written down here! So I belatedly sat down and wrote a long response, basically telling him to talk to her and set some boundaries.

Thankfully, it worked:

So I took your advice. Talked it over with her, played the long game and it's paid off. She's been awesome and playful, really coming into her own. I've been really good with my promise to her and she's told me it's brought the passion back. Which in turn seems to have lit her furnace.

She wants the fun to continue!

Buy Getting Her to be a Vanilla Dominatrix!

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I'm down to 10% of the orgasms I've had previously, while hers are way up.
In the last couple weeks my "vanilla" wife revealed kinks to me that made me blush. I had no idea! She's planning a weekend away from the kids for us to explore... sounds like it's going to be one of those "be careful what you wish for" type of scenarios. I can't wait!
Thanks again for the solid advice!

The important thing here is that once your partner embraces Femdom, you actually have a good negotiating position. She wants the fun stuff to continue.

So Mr A has had an epic journey, and -- ultimately -- navigated it with guts and honesty.

On the face of it, he's been fantastically lucky. What good fortune to just happen to marry a woman with dommish fantasies? 

However, let's look at another one...

Mr R from Reddit takes it up the ass

Ages back, I sent a review copy of Vanilla Dominatrix to Mr R of Reddit. Recently we had a quick chat via PM:

Me:Did it work?

"She's become quite
the assfreak"

Mr R: Hi there!
Yes-in a way. I learned that I didn't necessarily want to truly dominated as much as I wanted a more aggressive and creative partner. I especially wanted to engage in some assplay with me (which is being a domme, to a degree). So we talked about it, I bought a few toys, and the rest is history. She's become quite the assfreak, and her favorite thing is to use a toy on me while she sucks me. That drives me wild, which in turn drives her wild. I see some pegging in my future.
So-yes it worked, but not in the way I initially envisioned. But I'm quite happy. Sometimes, when you explore, you wind up in a different place than where you initially envisioned, you know?

Me: Yes indeed. The main thing is to engage with the other person. So very glad things worked out for you.

Mr A: Yes-It's interesting. I was afraid to tell her about my love of assplay. But once I did she chided me for not telling her earlier.

So my book Vanilla Dominatrix actually put him off broad submission! This is really a win, since the idea is to be happy in bed, not freaked out or mired in mutual awkwardness.

Even so, look at what happened. He tentatively approached his wife for some assplay and she turned out to be an "assfreak". 

You'd think that kind of thing only happens in porn. However it is, mercifully, more common than you'd think. Here's why...

What's going on? Our kink is us!

...kink is just an extension of an activity
we'd do anyway... Sticking a collar on
just takes it to the next level. 
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People often treat their kink as if it were toxic waste; something external that just happens to have stuck to them.

Some regard it as a terrible blight -- if only I could clean off this radioactive goo, I could become normal again! -- others as a kind of super power -- OMG! Look at me orgasm thanks to this glowing stuff!

I'm pretty sure that the truth is usually different. Yes, of course, very specific fetishes can be a bit random and have clear external causes. However, our brains don't contain special kink organs. 

Our kink is us. 

If we're honest with ourselves, then our kink is just an extension of an activity we'd do anyway given a chance. For example, I've always liked looking after women. Sticking a collar on just takes it to the next level. 

...there's often no real
converting to do! 

No wonder then that kinksters often easily convert their partners -- there's often no real converting to do! 

Take Mr and Mrs A. She clearly enjoys flirting and teasing and he clearly enjoys being on the other end of it. They were already erotically compatible, which is why they married in the first place. Adding kinky power exchange doesn't change the relationship, just takes it to another place (Roma!).

Meanwhile, we don't know much about her, but perhaps Mrs R "likes it dirty", or enjoys heaping small indignities on her sexual partner. 

Perhaps both ladies hides these urges. It doesn't matter. Meet Shop Window Theory:

So, both of you put calm in the shop
window, but have a backroom
full of rage.

The book “Families and how to survive them” by Robin Skynner and John Cleese has a section on Shop Window Theory: “It’s the front that attracts them—the shop window. But the front's the way it is because of what's behind.” 

The idea is that, when courting, people with issues put the opposite in the “shop window”. This isn't a sinister thing, just what happens when people make an effort.

So, for example, if you have issues with anger, you might do your best to appear the way you want to be: super calm. Then, joy! You meet a lady who is tranquility personified. A whirlwind romance leads to marriage. Unfortunately, she appears tranquil because she’s determined not to be ruled by her anger. So, both of you put calm in the shop window, but have a backroom full of rage.

(Whoops.)

In a functional relationship, this can really work out. You understand each other’s issues, and both know where you’re trying to go. 

In a dysfunctional relationship, the demons escape your respective backrooms and… breed. The worst of it is that it somehow feels right to let yourselves be carried off into the darkness. Relationships like this usually end up as abusive. But what about in a Femdom relationship?

Quoted from Vanilla Dominatrix [iTunes][Epub][Kindle][UK Kindle][Nook][PDF]

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So, even if both couples hid their potentially kinky sides from themselves and each other (which we don't know they did), then they still end up together. 

Perhaps Mr A was all "Sex now please!" and Mrs A was all "Coming right up!" 

Perhaps Mr and Mrs R were all hygiene and shaved pubes? 

It doesn't matter. Put it up front or hide it in the back, you still end up with a compatible partner.

So, the real take home is: you're still you during kink. It follows that the kink you most need is probably already there in your relationship, you just need to persuade your partner to stick a collar on it, or a chastity device, or...

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Don't resign yourself to just getting off on other people's adventures! When we started out, my wife was vanilla. Use my manuals to help you walk the same Femdom path! There's one for him, and one for her. 

Calling my wife "Mistress"

"That's yes, mistress."
Find out how to get some of this in your life!

"And the lawn needs mowing tomorrow," says my wife.

I'm tidying away whips, restraints and dildos before sleep. I'm still hard inside my chastity device. My back is prickly from the beating she just gave me. My mouth is full of her aftertaste. however, xena is sated and thinking of other things.

 "Yes Xena," I mumble. "The lawn."

"That's yes, mistress," corrects Xena.

"Oh." She's surprised me. It always felt too cheesy, too melodramatic to call her that. "You want me to call you mistress, mistress?"

Xena nods. "Yes... but not all the time."

"Just in the bedroom, mistress?"

"Exactly."

"Yes, mistress."

Last night she fell asleep over her book
leaving me kneeling in the corner.Find out how to get some of this in your life!

And that's how it's been for the last month. Our bedtime routine is as before. I kneel in the corner waiting orders. She has me run errands, tidy up around her. Usually she wants a foot rub. Sometimes something more happens. Then it's back to the corner. Finally, when she's ready to sleep, she lets me come to bed.

Except before, there would be a little chatter. Sometimes I'd initiate it. Often I'd get it wrong. Now the word "mistress" hangs between us like a barrier, and for those precious couple of hours she's as distant from me as a Roman domina from her slave.

Last night she fell asleep over her book leaving me kneeling in the corner.

I knelt there, wrapped in the scary, sexy knowledge that she takes my slavery utterly for granted. It's no big thing for her to have me kneeling in the corner. That's just what slaves do.

That thought was enough to make my chastity device tightened and my mouth run dry.

Ten minutes later, Xena woke up and went back to her book. She didn't even glance my way.

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Don't just read other people's adventures! My manuals can help you walk the Femdom path! There's one for him, and one for her. 

Three ways to find a dominatrix when dating in the vanilla world

...wishful thinking (and hot BDSM sex)
may make you stick around.

It's probably irresolvable.

If you date in the kinky world, then the kink is like an elephant in the room making it hard to see the other aspects of the relationship.

Worse, wishful thinking (and hot BDSM sex) may make you stick around in a relationship that has no future.

Finally, by going for kink first you may be missing out on soul mates with whom you could later develop a kinky relationship.

You're putting the cart before the horse.

However, if you date in the vanilla world, you might get deeply involved in a relationship only to find you're never going to get the kink you need.

You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make it drink.

...soul mates with whom
you could later develop
a kinky relationship.

There's no easy answer.

However, I can tell you that vanilla dating can work. I found my wife in the vanilla world after a series of relationships, all of which involved a kink element.

What I learned is:

- Since our kinks reflect who we are, there is a good chance that if you are compatible in other ways, you will also be kinkily compatible. However this will be a compatibility of dynamic rather than specific fantasies.

- People will do almost anything during the sexploration phase, but quickly grow bored unless there's something in it for them.

With this in mind, here's my advice on how to find a dominatrix through vanilla dating:

1. Date strong women

...strong women

Look for adventurous self-confident women who are broadminded, comfortable in their own bodies, like to get their own way, and who you respect.

If you don't know women like this, work out how to be where they are.

If your prevailing culture is culturally conservative, either move away from it or focus on women who are physically adventurous: the sportswomen, the climbers, the runners, the dancers... the ones who don't mind moving around and getting sweaty.

(Meanwhile, work on making yourself a worthy partner. Shed any sense of being a loser.)

2. Introduce Femdom during the sexploration phase

...the sexploration phase

Introduce the Femdom early, during the sexploration phase when you're having lots of crazy sex anyway.

I know it's tempting to hide your "secret" until you feel secure in the relationship. However this is fundamentally dishonest (bait and switch!), misses the vital sexploration phase where almost anything goes, and potentially leaves you deeply in love with somebody with whom you can never have a satisfactory erotic relationship.

3. Focus the Femdom on her

Don't be fooled.

People will do all sorts of kink during the sexploration phase. However the main thrill is "doing hot transgressive stuff with new lover". Once the love isn't new, the kink becomes a chore.

...mindblowingly good things that she couldn't -- shouldn't! --
get from a vanilla relationship.

For this reason, you need to shed your specific fantasies and make the Femdom about her.

Make it a way for her to get mindblowingly good things that she couldn't -- shouldn't! -- get from a vanilla relationship.

Take things she already likes and use Femdom to enhance them.

My book Getting Her to be a Vanilla Dominatrix can help with this!

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Why not introduce some Female Centered Femdom to your relationship?