Saturday, 29 September 2012

Her Majesty's Plaything reviews "Getting Her to be a Vanilla Dominatrix"

I've been following Her Majesty's Plaything for ages. He's much harder core  - more Fet scene - than I am, or would want to be:
I have explored kink in the context of my personal relationships and have been known to frequent the occasional dungeon in my travels. My goal is to deeply explore my submissive sexuality and continue to nurture a D/s relationship with the love of my life; my wife of twenty two years.
But that's just down to personal taste and kink/rest-of-life balance. His philosophy is essentially the same as mine; his submission is about his partner, not him. He also doesn't pull his punches.

For this reason I was both thrilled and a little scared when he accepted a review copy of Getting Her to be a Vanilla Dominatrix, and then wrote a review! (If you've just tuned in, this book is all about how to get your vanilla partner to dominate you, and to enjoy doing it.)

He just posed his review of my Femdom manual:

He kicked off by discussing the perils of being a sub and went on to remark:

Flying in the face of... accepted wisdom Giles English proposes that our best chance of finding happiness is to explore Femdom with someone we love.
He goes on to give a very good summary of my book, and finally sums up:
...the idea is to base your Femdom explorations on qualities your lover already possesses rather than trying to build on something that isn't there. I agree with that approach and have [long ago] applied similar principles in my own relationship with Her Majesty to positive effect.
Given how very experienced and how widely-read this Femdom blogger is, I am both thrilled and relieved he approved of my manual!

If this piques your interest in my Femdom manual, take a look at the Amazon preview!

Friday, 28 September 2012

Roman Dominatrix now available in epub format...

Support independent publishing: Buy this e-book on Lulu.After much tinkering, I've managed to get How to be a Roman Dominatrix uploaded to Lulu! So, you can now also have it in epub format, e.g. for Nook or Kobi. (Still available for Kindle, of course.)

I didn't really expect to write this book in the first place!

Ages back,  I grew so frustrated by the obvious and almost tragic mistakes submissive men make with their vanilla partners, that I poured out a long rant into an Word document. What was intended as a blog entry ended up as a book, "Getting her to be a Vanilla Dominatrix"- because you can get a vanilla partner to enjoy Femdom, if you shed your sense of entitlement and approach her the right way, and if your kink can offer her vanilla benefits. The book went through a few evolutions. The heavily revised version of this- my first Femdom self help book - is now available on both Kindle and Lulu (epub).

The Roman book, designed to for vanilla female partners of submissive males, that came later. It turned out that some women are broadminded enough to give Femdom a go, but want to take charge of the whole process and do it on their terms. Surprisingly, there are a lot of women out there like this - How to be a Roman Dominatrix regularly outsells Getting her to be a Vanilla Dominatrix!

What's next? I'd like to make PDFs available for both my Femdom how-to guides - some people don't have ereaders, or just prefer to print out a manual so they can scribble on it! I also quite like the idea of a printed version. We'll see.

Get my Femdom books on both Amazon and Lulu. They are also available at Barnes and Noble and on the iBookstore.

Tuesday, 25 September 2012

Using sex dice to get your vanilla partner to dominate you

A reader of my Getting Her to be a Vanilla Dominatrix came up with a genius idea: sex dice.

His partner is... broadminded and willing to step outside vanilla, but not used to being in control of the sex.

The real ingenuity is that she's in charge of the sex dice. She rolls them and tells him what to do.

So the dice...
  • Grant her permission to be in charge.
  • Grant her permission to enjoy all sorts of activities she might not otherwise ask for.
  • Build trust by demonstrating he can follow instructions in bed, regardless of direct pleasure or not for him.
Later, he plans to suggest some of the following as and when they seem appropriate:
  • She directs him with a leash - though, I wonder whether  a riding whip as a pointer might be a more practical choice.
  • She can re roll the dice when they are "wrong".
  • Kinkier dice - I might consider having a dice bag, from which dice are picked randomly thus putting the responsibility back a level.
Hearing about the journeys of other couples is an unexpected privilege.

(If you've yet to join the kinky adventure, take a look at my Femdom books; perhaps they'll help...)

Monday, 24 September 2012

A better option for time lock chastity

If only there was a CB with bio-feedback like in my novel!
If you read my blog, or my femdom self help guides, you'll know I'm a great fan of using timelock software to control your chastity instead of turning your partner into a keyholder.

Sure, if she likes the idea of holding the key, that's different. However, if your chastity is really about you being chaste/neutered-lite, then the key itself is just another responsibility for her.

Better to use timed encryption software to do the job. This isn't as much of a fiddle as it sounds:

How to use encryption software to timelock your chastity belt

Buy a combination padlock and learn how to set the combination without looking.

Each time you enjoy a period of lockup, set the combination, scan it into your PC, then encrypt the image.

Easy? What about the encryption software

Free timed encryption software for chastity belt use

There are several free programs knocking around. The one I've now started using is PictureLoKiT, which is not only free, it's also straightforward to use. (I'd still rather have an actual keysafe, though...)


Monday, 10 September 2012

Example of PIRI "Resonate" Mode

Here's the goddess-like Marlene Dietrich in full "Resonate" Mode as described in my femdom how-to manual:

She plays the audience, toys with male and female admirers, everything's for effect, but she gives nothing away of herself; it's all about the audience, so that she can privately resonate to their reaction.

Imagine Marlene Dietrich as a dominatrix! She would tease you to the edge, set up your expectations, then dash them, play cat-and-mouse with the whip, all the while maintaining that ironic look.

What kinks would you offer her? Anything that made you suffer or whimper, nothing that entailed her losing control. She would enjoy having you serve her while you wore nothing but nipple clamps and a chastity belt. She might let you go down on her, but don't expect her orgasm to be louder than your frustrated groans.

Sunday, 9 September 2012

Example of PIRI "Project" Mode

Remember Blackadder Goes Forth? I always thought "Queenie" would make a fabulous dominatrix.

In the PIRI classification set out in my Getting her to be a Vanilla Dominatrix, Good Queen Bess would count as an extreme example of somebody stuck in Project Mode - everything is about her; other people only exist to validate or enable her:

Me me me me! Mmmmm.

What femdom kinks would you offer Miranda Richardson's Queenie? What would she be like as a dominatrix?

Nothing that involved topping skills! If she ties you up, then she's not going to work at keeping you on the edge. She might declare that you deserve five minutes of stroking, but that you are not allowed to come during that time, and she'll expect you to be grateful for the attention.

If she lets you serve her, then she expects you to feel what she feels. If she's relaxed in the bath, then you're relaxed. If she's satisfied by her orgasm, then so are you; "Why would you want to get out of the chastity belt? I'm done! Now make me a hot chocolate so we can sleep."

Thursday, 6 September 2012

4 rules for when you're caught doing kink

"Caught in the act!"
Find out how to get some of this 
in your life!

So, you've established a part-time Femdom relationship. And you're having fun, and then--

 --you're caught at it, or somebody finds your stash of BDSM toys... OMG!

What do you do?

What is the right thing to do?

In kink, the right to privacy goes both ways

Obviously, you have a right to practice consensual kink in privacy - not to be interrupted, judged or defined by your kink.

However, other people have the right not to have your kink rubbed in their faces.

Even people who are kinky
themselves don't necessarily
want to get flashbacks of
your twitching buttocks.

Find out how to get some of this 
in your life!
Since kink, especially domination and submission, is often intentionally transgressive - i.e. mimics evil - and can look abusive, your idea of fun can be triggering for non-consenting witnesses. Perhaps the uptight spinster across the street got that way because she saw her mother raped - it's hardly fair to expose her to your consensual rape play, is it?

Kink is also visceral.

Even people who are kinky themselves don't necessarily want to get flashbacks of your twitching buttocks. That kind of thing can ruin a precious friendship, and put strain on even a close family...

And talking about family, I think offspring - even grown up ones - deserve not to know what you get up to. Aside from just freaking them out, you may be giving them the sense that what you do for play is actually normal in real life. And if they themselves grow up to be kinky, then it's hardly fair that their first kinky sessions will be marred with visions of their middle aged folks at it! (Remember that episode of Friends?)

So privacy has to be two-way. That means first and foremost, you shouldn't get caught.

Rule #1 Don't get caught being kinky

Lock the bloody bedroom door! 
Find out how to get some of 
this in your life!
Lock the bloody bedroom door! Really. A locked door will never be as embarrassing or traumatic as the kink it hides.The same goes for if you share your living space with friends, relatives or roommates. Also consider the front door to your apartment or house. If a relative has the key, put the snib on before you bring out the whips and chains.

Consider audio privacy. How far does the sound carry?  Can you mask it using the right kind of music. If possible run tests. You can always visit neighbors to apologize for the noise of home improvements while your partner makes appropriate sounds in the bedroom.

Finally, have a secure place for your toys and use it. Pick something that locks, and isn't too obvious. A suitcase is good. A Gothic trunk with "TOY BOX" stenciled on it, less good. Be aware that older relatives like to help with laundry unasked, that visiting children like to hide in closets and rummage in cupboards...

Even if you do all this, be prepared for a privacy fail.

Rule #2 Be prepared

Murphy's Law says what can go wrong, will go wrong. I don't think we need to be quite that pessimistic.

However, things go wrong, routines get interrupted, toys get left lying about, people peek through keyholes.

So, have a response prepared. This will enable you to deal with any discovery right away.

Rule #3 Respond rapidly

People don't like change.

there's a good chance that somebody
who catches you...
will push away
the inconvenient knowledge.

Find out how to get some of this 
in your life!
Things that don't fit their view of the world cause cognitive dissonance, meaning that they will cheerfully lie to themselves, or believe an obvious falsehood just to avoid the discomfort and inconvenience of adjusting their view of reality.

Thus if you act quickly, there's a good chance that somebody who catches you in kinkiness will push away the inconvenient knowledge and do their best to forget about it.

After a while, they won't even be sure what they remember! Only consider addressing the revelation later if the person is being weird with you.

Of course, this only works if you say something that minimizes the impact in the first place.

Rule #4 Reveal as little as possible

This is a time for damage control, not taking any sort of stand.

Take a breath to consider what they actually saw, heard or found and then pick an option based on order of desirability:

1. Plausible lie (What kink? There is no kink here!)

If they didn't see you do it, then lie. If they did see you but are innocent or unsophisticated, then also lie.

Yes, lie. Honesty would be self-indulgent. The only moral course is to restore that precious two-way privacy we talked about.
"The riding whip is left over from an
equestrian holiday."

Find out how to get some of this 
in your life!

The lie only has to be plausible enough so that the discoverer can decide to believe it, or decide to pretend to believe it:
The toy is modern art, was sent as a prank, was left by somebody else, or relates to some non-kinky activity. The costume relates to a fancy dress party. The female clothes in male size result from an Ebay mispurchase. The scourge is a prop from a play. The riding whip is left over from an equestrian holiday. The sounds you heard were me practicing martial arts/pelvic floor exercises/yogic breathing/tickling/a foreign film. Those marks relate to a martial art/DIY accident/animal attack/fall onto barbed wire/skin condition.

2. Partial truth

"We like to spice things up."
Find out how to get some of this 
in your life!
If you've actually been caught at it, then serve up an explanation that gives away as little as possible and fits the world view of the discoverer.

Deal with what they actually saw, not the drooling fetish feelings that drove that action, nor the D&S relationship wrapped around it.

Make it a one-liner so you can both swiftly change the subject. People will want to believe the least perverted explanation:
We were just horsing around. It's something the sex therapist suggested. We like to spice things up. It was the result of a bet/practical joke.

3. Go on the offensive

To back up a partial truth, or if the partial truth is unbelievable - God forbid somebody find out we've converted the Victorian coal bunker into a Medieval dungeon! - then you go on the offensive. You are morally in the right, after all.

That box was private!
Find out how to get some of this 
in your life!
Remember, thanks to cognitive dissonance, your discoverer is feeling confused. You need to tell them how to respond to what they are seeing. They will also be feeling vaguely guilty. Let's exploit that.

I suspect the best approach is to go on the offensive in a way that assumes what you are doing is normal...
What do you expect if you violate somebody's privacy? That box was private! Didn't anybody teach you to knock? What are you doing in here? This is our bedroom! That chest was closed for a reason.
...but if you can, balance it out with an injunction or stage direction. For damage control, the best is probably something like:
Let's pretend you didn't see this. This never happened.
However, for marking boundaries and perhaps doing a little aggressive reeducation:
I'm sorry you were shocked. You weren't supposed to find out. However, what we do is consensual and we have every right to do it in private. It's also not that uncommon. Now, can we agree to move on and respect each other's privacy and boundaries.  

Best of all, stick to Rule #1

Just thinking about being caught should concentrate your mind on not getting caught!

EDITS: Good reddit thread developing here. And here. And here.

Of course, before you need to worry about this kind of problem, you need to work out how to build a kinky relationship in the first place!  When we started out, my wife was vanilla. Use my manuals to help you walk the same Femdom path! There's one for him, and one for her

Wednesday, 5 September 2012

New poll - my next self help book?

I've got three ideas in the pipeline. The first two would be short handbooks based on modern psychology, plus the real experience of myself and my friends. The last one would be a BDSM craft book.

"How to ask for kink" - for men and women wishing to present any kind of kink to a vanilla partner

Very much a generic book on how to successfully ask a vanilla partner for kink, without making an idiot of yourself. This would be intended for both male and female readers of all orientations and (consensual) kinks.

"Become her Roman slave" - for male subs with vanilla partners

Like the Getting her to be a Vanilla Dominatrix, but shorter and focused entirely on service-orientated slavery. Think of this as the reverse How to be a Roman Dominatrix book with  a similar approach.

"Make your own male chastity belt"

Frankly, this one is a bit daunting. I have a very good DIY chastity belt made from a mixture of polypropylene webbing and plastic fittings, a plastic ladle and polymer clay. I'd love to show people how to make it, but this would require rebuying materials, and taking lots of photos.

Please help me out by using the poll to tell me what you want me to write next!

Tuesday, 4 September 2012

The difference between a Femdom session and a scene

"Looking wonderful in her party frock"
"The room is beautiful!" My wife kisses me then stifles a yawn.

We've had a lovely romantic day, first sight-seeing around the city, then catching up with old friends at a 50th birthday party. Now we're alone in our hotel room, and she's still looking wonderful in her party frock. She's very much the Vanilla dominatrix, and I love her that way.

"I brought the toy bag, so we have... options," I say.

"Oh. What are you in the mood for?" she asks.

I'm caught on the horns of the dilemma. I've been enjoying watching her at the party. I want to have sex. But at the same time, when I feel horny, I feel kinky. And we have been talking about kink on our road trip - something we don't normally do. I guess the sales of my two Femdom manuals have made us think about how many other couples might be kinky behind closed doors.

"You're tired," I say truthfully. "Let me be your slave."

A chaste night in a hotel room

"Falls asleep without any erotic action."
Off to the en suite. On goes the chastity belt (I must share the design some time). When I come back into the room, she's sprawled on the bed. I was rather hoping to make love to her, instead she orders a massage and quells any attempt at conversation.

She's thrown a switch! The affection is gone. Now I'm just a slave.

I want to tell her I love her. Tell her how much I desire her. Instead, I can only rub, pummel, and thumb her naked flesh until she's limp and relaxed. I know what's going to happen and I segue from frustration, through irritation, to a kind of erotic horror; I know we have a relationship beyond this slavery, but I can't reach out and touch it. I'm powerless to do anything other than massage her until...

She announces that she's ready to sleep and does just that.

My wife falls asleep without any erotic action. This leaves me chaste, frustrated, in love, and awestruck.


"I was a real slave"
You see, she didn't make an effort, didn't apologize. She took it utterly for granted that she could do exactly as she pleased. It didn't have to even be erotic. She wanted to sleep, so she slept.

Our roles have felt real for a long time, but that night they passed a kind of test. She felt no obligation to perform, and  I felt no entitlement to... anything.

A few days later, she said sweetly, "I can't believe I crashed out like that."

I laughed and explained that just thinking about it was a hell of a turn on because it meant I was a real slave, and that the the threat of an erotic washout would make things even more exciting.

The limits of negotiation and consent

"Not what I had in mind!"
Of course, when I brought out my chastity belt, her falling asleep was not what I had in mind!

I did not consent specifically to being used non-erotically then ignored. It's not something I would have negotiated for in a BDSM scene: "Hey, let's be Mistress and Slave, but you pretend to be more sleepy than turned on, and I don't even get to lick you."

And yet, because it was an utter violation of any expectations I might have had, it was a wild turn on. I have never felt quite so enslaved as when I lay in bed, hard in my chastity belt listening to her sleepy breathing.

Yes, it's good to negotiate general conditions and to establish consent for things that would otherwise be assault. However, too much of that and you have a scripted scene. Reality is so much more exciting. My slave can no longer take his mistress for granted!

The power of continuity between Femdom sessions

If that had been our only Femdom this year, that session would have been a disaster. However, it was actually a fantastic success since it  has established the reality of our ongoing owner-slave relationship.

In a sense, we both passed the test.

It seems that no matter how "badly" she behaves, she's still the mistress and I'm still the slave. From now on, our roles won't just feel real, they will be real.

Just thinking about that turns me on.

For more advice on making Femdom really work when one partner is vanilla, try my no-fuss Femdom how-to manuals.