The difference between a Femdom session and a scene

"Looking wonderful in her party frock"

"The room is beautiful!" My wife kisses me then stifles a yawn.

We've had a lovely romantic day, first sight-seeing around the city, then catching up with old friends at a 50th birthday party. Now we're alone in our hotel room, and she's still looking wonderful in her party frock. She's very much the Vanilla dominatrix, and I love her that way.

"I brought the toy bag, so we have... options," I say.

"Oh. What are you in the mood for?" she asks.

I'm caught on the horns of the dilemma. I've been enjoying watching her at the party. I want to have sex. But at the same time, when I feel horny, I feel kinky. And we have been talking about kink on our road trip - something we don't normally do. I guess the sales of my two Femdom manuals have made us think about how many other couples might be kinky behind closed doors.

"You're tired," I say truthfully. "Let me be your slave."

A chaste night in a hotel room

"Falls asleep without any erotic action."

Off to the en suite. On goes the chastity belt (I must share the design some time). When I come back into the room, she's sprawled on the bed. I was rather hoping to make love to her, instead she orders a massage and quells any attempt at conversation.

She's thrown a switch! The affection is gone. Now I'm just a slave.

I want to tell her I love her. Tell her how much I desire her. Instead, I can only rub, pummel, and thumb her naked flesh until she's limp and relaxed. I know what's going to happen and I segue from frustration, through irritation, to a kind of erotic horror; I know we have a relationship beyond this slavery, but I can't reach out and touch it. I'm powerless to do anything other than massage her until...

She announces that she's ready to sleep and does just that.

My wife falls asleep without any erotic action. This leaves me chaste, frustrated, in love, and awestruck.

Awestruck?

"I was a real slave"

You see, she didn't make an effort, didn't apologize. She took it utterly for granted that she could do exactly as she pleased. It didn't have to even be erotic. She wanted to sleep, so she slept.

Our roles have felt real for a long time, but that night they passed a kind of test. She felt no obligation to perform, and  I felt no entitlement to... anything.

A few days later, she said sweetly, "I can't believe I crashed out like that."

I laughed and explained that just thinking about it was a hell of a turn on because it meant I was a real slave, and that the the threat of an erotic washout would make things even more exciting.

The limits of negotiation and consent

"Not what I had in mind!"

Of course, when I brought out my chastity belt, her falling asleep was not what I had in mind!

I did not consent specifically to being used non-erotically then ignored. It's not something I would have negotiated for in a BDSM scene: "Hey, let's be Mistress and Slave, but you pretend to be more sleepy than turned on, and I don't even get to lick you."

And yet, because it was an utter violation of any expectations I might have had, it was a wild turn on. I have never felt quite so enslaved as when I lay in bed, hard in my chastity belt listening to her sleepy breathing.

Yes, it's good to negotiate general conditions and to establish consent for things that would otherwise be assault. However, too much of that and you have a scripted scene. Reality is so much more exciting. My slave can no longer take his mistress for granted!

The power of continuity between Femdom sessions

If that had been our only Femdom this year, that session would have been a disaster. However, it was actually a fantastic success since it  has established the reality of our ongoing owner-slave relationship.

"Real"

In a sense, we both passed the test.

It seems that no matter how "badly" she behaves, she's still the mistress and I'm still the slave. From now on, our roles won't just feel real, they will be real.

Just thinking about that turns me on.

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