Thursday, 17 October 2013

Why Communication, Negotiation and Consent aren't that important when submitting to a vanilla dominatrix

 "She doesn't need to do any 
of this kink stuff." 
Communication, Negotiation and Consent are central to the the culture of the BDSM community. They enable relative strangers to play together, and new lovers to form relationships: He likes ropes, she likes using hot wax, how much? How intense? How about...?

That's great, but most of this isn't very relevant when submitting to a vanilla partner.

Sure, you need appropriate communication to get to the point where you can play Domination and Submission, Mistress and Slave, and this includes offering carefully tailored a la carte suggestions of things that might be enjoyable to her; "tie me up, have me serve, make me dress up..."

However, once you are at that point, communication, (apart from regarding safety, of course!) becomes rather redundant because you have the world's worst negotiating position.

If your partner is vanilla, she does not identify as "kinky", and does not get a kick out of the kink itself. She doesn't need to do any of this kink stuff. For example, just the idea of a chastity belt turns me on. For my vanilla wife Xena, the question is; "What's in it for me?"

"Complaining might make the Femdom go away.
Really you have almost no power in this part of
your relationship."
It follows that all you can do is give her anything she wants, the only condition being that she gets it in the context of your submission. For example, I'll serve Xena domestically or erotically, and demand nothing... but only when I am her chaste slave, under realistic discipline.

In effect, the one negotiation that does take place is when you temporarily become her slave in return for her letting you be her slave.

Once that's happened, there's really not much to communicate about except to occasionally... tentatively... suggest things that extend what she's already doing - "You can hit me harder... I found this device online..." Such communication diminishes in importance as she becomes confident in her power and gets to know her way around the Femdom menu.

As for consent... beyond genuine hard limits, it's practically irrelevant.

Suppose you get too bored, too humiliated, or experience too intense a pain? What can you do about it? Complaining might make the Femdom go away. Really you have almost no power in this part of your relationship.

That sounds pretty grim until you consider that your really have no power in this part of your relationship. For all intents and purposes, you really are a slave. I don't know about you, but that turns me on. (Now if only I weren't locked into this male chastity device...)

For help in introducing Femdom to your vanilla relationship, try my self-help guides....