Vanilla Dominatrix now in paperback!

Somebody emailed me asking for the Vanilla Dominatrix in paperback!

And here it is!

Click To Buy Now!

It took a while - formatting for print publication is a real pain in the ass. However, it was a labour of love. Hopefully the new format will bring female-focused Femdom to even more bedrooms across the world...

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Learn how to how to walk the same Femdom path with your partner! 

GET THE "FOR HIM" MANUAL RIGHT NOW!
GET THE "FOR HER" MANUAL RIGHT NOW!

CLICK HERE to download my Femdom Erotica (all written while chaste!)

(For ebook format, 

Lulu or iTunes.)

Now available: PDF Version of How to be a Roman Dominatrix

Since there have been so many email requests, I've now added a PDF version of my book, How to be a Roman Dominatrix:

You don’t have to be kinky to enjoy being a dominatrix! This books shows you how to use your partner’s “Femdom” fantasies to get what you couldn’t and shouldn’t get from a normal relationship.In less civilized times, Ancient Roman ladies routinely owned slaves. These terrifyingly independent women could do pretty much as they pleased, and it pleased some of them to use their male slaves for pleasure. This book presents a no-nonsense way to help you get on a part-time basis what these Roman ladies enjoyed. As a byproduct, this should satisfy most of your partner's fantasy cravings. It's about having a good time being a dominatrix, not being a good dominatrix. It's about having power, rather than pretending to have it. You'll always know what to do, because you'll always be doing what suits you. Your partner won't get all his kinks, but being a "real" slave should more than compensate for that!

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Use my manuals to help you walk the Femdom path! There's one for him, and one for her. 

COMING SOON! Third Edition of "Getting her to be your Vanilla Dominatrix"

 Why not introduce some Female Centered Femdom to your relationship?

Revisiting the PIRI Modes

Following on from my last posts, and spurred by a useful comment from one Maarten, here's a diagram that might help:

Now let's see if I can improve the descriptions!

Here's a redraft of the opening of that chapter...

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For our purposes, a woman  fits one of four archetypes or stereotypes at any given time. Which depends on her energy levels and her mood.

COMPANION 

A Companion shares her feelings and wants to hear about yours. It's all about give and take, interactivity. 

At work, she thrives in brainstorming sessions or small creative teams where people bounce ideas and feed off each other. Socially, she's all about chatting and bantering. She's the same when it comes to courting, she's all about deep conversations or shared flirtatious banter. 

In a relationship, she's all about shared decision making and consensus. She's not a good person to watch TV with unless you want to discuss the program.

In vanilla sex, everything's mutual. If the Companion is done to, she's also doing. If she's underneath, she's shifting and using her muscles. If you're having oral sex, it'll be in the 69 position.

In Femdom, the Companion gravitates to the most mutuality. This could mean turning service top, planning out scenes in detail. However, she's most comfortable going with the flow of your erotic encounter. If she's teasing you on the edge of orgasm, or inflicting pain, she's also getting loudly turned on herself. If she's making you suffer to prove your love, then she's also praising you for your bravery; "Come on honey, just another twenty lashes..."

Your orgasm is usually part of the fun for her, and the tenderness of aftercare sometimes the best bit.

GODDESS

A Goddess doesn't reveal her feelings but is interested in yours.

At work, she's the coolly efficient colleague nobody can do without, but nobody seems to get close to. Socially, she's charming but a better listener than talker. She may also be a quiet show off, enjoying looking good without making a fuss about it. In courtship she's the vamp; the men have to do all the running while she sits there looking good and perhaps a little amused.

In a relationship, she's can go two ways. Everything can be all about you proving your devotion to her. You spend your life fetching and carrying for her, rubbing her feet while she watches TV, and she has the final say on major decisions, all the while taking your compliance for granted. However, she can also surprise you with thoughtful gifts and treats, and go to great lengths to make you happy.

In vanilla sex she's either stunningly passive, or physically dominant. She's happy to lie back while you worship her, covering her in kisses, pouring on the praise. However, if she's feeling energetic, then she turns technician; lie back and have the ride of your life! She may also be an wonderful exhibitionist, but you never know whether it's for you or her.

In Femdom, the Goddess can behave much as she does in vanilla sex. For example, she'll lie back and be worshipped by a gushingly grateful slave, but she may turn his worship into some kind of ordeal test. Perhaps his chastity device stays on, or getting close enough to worship means getting close enough to be whipped. 

When she's in the mood, she's also an awesome "service top", enjoying using kink to push your buttons while giving not much away herself. However, she's equally capable of turning cold sadist or calculating tease. She most certainly will not gag you. Whimper and squirm all you like, it will just feed her enjoyment. And of course, she enjoys ordinary service, as telepathic as possible.

Your orgasm is normally the ultimate tribute (though its denial may be even more interesting for her). Aftercare will amuse her.

DIVA

A Diva is one of life's steamrollers, a force of nature. You're there just to validate her self image, or as a blank canvas.

At work she's either an inspirational leader, or one of those pushy people who gets things done. She's happiest as a boss, or as the terrifying personal assistant of a boss. If she works alone or as a solo specialist, then she's probably some kind of designer or management consultant. She knows best and will impose her vision on the world. She may also be some kind of performer, a motormouth comedian or stunningly sensual singer.

Socially, she makes things happen but doesn't necessarily stick around to see the results. If you go drinking with her, expect to visit a dozen bars or clubs, have conversations with strangers, and to watch her dance but somehow fail to quite dance with her. In courtship, she's direct and challenging and impatient with social customs. Mostly, a lover's purpose is to prove how magnificent she is.

In a relationship, it's her way or the highway. Where the Goddess likes to get her way to prove how much she is loved, the Diva just likes to get her way. She's the kind of partner who gives you gifts designed to make you  a better person (in her eyes), expect gym memberships, smart suits, improving books. Like the Goddess, she enjoys being pampered, but wants the pampering without the fuss.

In bed, the Diva knows what she likes, expects it and expects you to stick to it. If she says, "Kiss my left breast" she means "left breast", not "nipple", not "flanks", and keep your hands to yourself. Spontaneity on your part will not be rewarded.

She may be disconcertingly noisy, but she's not really interested in hearing your cries of pleasure.  If she does things for you, don't bother giving her feedback, you'll just get a "Who's doing this? You or me?"

In Femdom, the Diva is slightly terrifying. Don't expect her to service top, and any negotiations will be about limits and safewords, not scripts. If she enjoys service, expect it to be backed up by ferocious discipline and expect to be micromanaged.

If she does things to you, then don't expect much tenderness. Where your pleasure is involved, she'll be drawn to toys with on/off buttons, or handling your genitals with rough efficiency. If she's into giving pain, expect pain. And she'll probably gag you. It's enough to know you're suffering, she doesn't need to hear you go on about it. 

She may be interested in your orgasm, but don't expect much in the way of aftercare; you wanted this, so stop fussing and make me a cup of tea.

HERMIT

The Hermit just wants everybody to go away so she can be alone. She has no desire to share her feelings and no interest in yours.

At work, she's a technical specialist or total nerd, the kind you find still at work at 6am surrounded by stacks of pizzas. Give her some instructions and let her get on with it. Please don't invite her to any meetings. If she works alone, then she does something Internet-based that lets her stay in her home office.

Socially she's only a grudging presence and seldom sticks around after putting in an appearance. If she goes to the cinema, it's to see the film, and she's quite happy making solo visits to museums and galleries. In courtship she's usually illusive and impossible to pin down, but can suddenly open up physically, without however making any verbal commitment to anything.

In a relationship, the Hermit feels more like a roommate than a lover. She'll negotiate quite reasonably, but then regard things as settled once and for all. Her attitude is, "Of course I still love you, otherwise I would have left. Now, pass the TV remote control."

In bed, the Hermit is usually cold an uninvolving. Sex is just mutual masturbation, please don't make a fuss about it. Once she's done, she loses interest. Don't forget to grab your coat on the way out... and if you live with her, try not to snore.

In Femdom, the Hermit is not interested in making any effort whatsoever. Don't expect kinky clothing or cool sex toys. She probably won't even shave her legs. However, she will cheerfully use you as a real slave. Be seen and not heard, willing to fetch and carry or wait quietly for what will seem like hours and you may find yourself giving her a massage or serving her orally. Forget your orgasm, though, or any chance of after care.

* * *

Hopefully you'll recognize these people! However, you'll also have observed that very few normal people are the same person in all circumstances. For example, a woman who is a Diva at work may be a Hermit at home, and a Goddess when courting. Bed may be the only place where she feels free to be a Companion, or she may flip between Goddess and Diva depending on her mood.

You'll also notice that Goddess and Diva are two sides of the same coin. The Goddess is good at listening, the Diva at talking, but neither are any good at conversation. Some people are like this in bed, unable to handle the messiness of mutuality, but able to comfortably give (Goddess) and take (Diva).

The trick when introducing Femdom to a vanilla partner is to suggest activities to fit her available modes. For example, a Diva won't be much interested in tying you up and teasing you!

Which modes are available depends on five things (I'll introduce them here, and then go into them in detail in the rest of the chapter):

• What's her natural mode, the person she is most comfortable being? Femdom may fit most easily into that mode, or may come as a fantastic relief. A natural Diva, for example, may find vanilla sex awkward and unsustainable.
• What's her lazy mode, the person she is when she is mentally or physically tired? In along term relationship, what with work and modern living, this is the person you are most likely to see in bed on a Friday night. A natural Companion, might subside into a sleepy Goddess.
• What relevant erotic taboos does she have? Most people have sexual taboos, things they feel they are not supposed to do. We're interested in ones to do with mode. For example, a woman with romantic notions might feel that sex should never take place in Hermit mode.
• What relevant erotic prescriptions does she have? Most people prescriptions about how sex should be. Again, we're interested in the ones we can put on the mode chart. For example, a woman might feel that one should "never give in to men", meaning she can't have sex in Goddess mode.
• Finally, what erotic inhibitions does she have? These don't really show up on the chart, but matter for two reasons. First, they identify things we should not suggest. If she is inhibited about natural functions, then anal play is probably off the menu! Second, they suggest kinky workarounds. For example if she is inhibited about penis-in-vagina sex, you might want to wear a male chastity device.

Taken together, natural mode, lazy mode, taboos, prescriptions and inhibitions often conspire to get in the way of vanilla sex, especially as we get older and the hormonal drives fade.

Approached right, kink, especially Femdom, can be a fix for this in one of two ways:

• It can act as a workaround against taboos, inhibitions and prescriptions. We've already seen the chastity device against a penetration taboo. Suppose, for another example, she feels sex belongs in Companion mode (prescription) but her Lazy mode is Hermit, and she doesn't think people should use people (Taboo)? Fine. Seen from the right angle, "sexual roleplay" is companionable. Being her slave is pleasurable for you, so it must be OK to do that in Hermit mode.
• It can act as an extension of what she already likes. For example, suppose she already likes her sex in Goddess mode? Offering to be her chaste worshipper might just push her buttons.

The rest of this chapter will help you get to grips with this system by working through some examples...

[EDIT: Image updated. New edition is shaping up to be simpler and more streamlined even than this. If you buy the current edition, you can update to the new edition when it comes by re-downloading from your amazon library.]

New product description for Roman Dominatrix

I'm just about to update the Amazon product description of my How to be a Roman Dominatrix self-help guide.

Some readers seem to be expecting a very different kind of book, perhaps the Mistress Lorelei's Mistress Manual,  which as I recall - it's been a while - uses the male partner's fantasies as a starting place and relgates benefits to the dominatrix as a byproduct. It's a good book, and by giving a woman permission - since she's doing it to please her man - has a good chance of giving her the space to explore her own feelings.
Roman Dominatrix just does something different - it starts off with the idea that owning a slave can be fun in vanilla ways and assumes that the sub gets his kicks as a byproduct.

Other books I haven't read are more embedded in the BDSM Scene. That's not a bad thing. A sense of belonging to a wider culture can - again - grant permission. However, some women just aren't interested... aren't natural joiners. They only want to know "What's in it for me?" That's who my book is for.

I've tried to update the product description to reflect this more clearly. Hopefully this will help me avoid any oddly angry reviews. What do you guys think?

Ancient Roman ladies enjoyed having male slaves, and - yes - they did put them to erotic use. Why does modern bedroom Femdom have to be so much effort? What’s in it for you?

Written from experience by an otherwise normal (!) submissive male, this book is for women who are sexually adventurous but have neither the time nor inclination to embrace BDSM culture just in order to satisfy their partner’s fantasies.

It WON’T teach you to be a “good” dominatrix, nor guide you through clubs and munches, nor drill you in bondage, topping or protocols, nor help you negotiate scripted scenes, nor expect you to manipulate your man, nor urge you into a Female Led Relationship.

It WILL use techniques drawn from modern psychology to help you build a strictly part-time Roman version of your relationship… and to make that mistress-slave relationship feel 100% real.

You need never feel silly or awkward or at a loss. You’ll always know what to do because you’ll be following your natural inclinations, albeit unrestrained by consequences or reciprocity.

Relax and be… self-indulgent, introvert, extrovert, mean, affectionate, playful, practical, flirtatious, sensual, clinical…  There’s a good chance that, as a byproduct, enough of his fantasies will be satisfied to make it worth his while.

You get to be yourself. He gets to be your slave. You get to have a hot secret couple adventure. Everybody gets to be happy.

But why are you reading this description? Take a look inside the book and make up your own mind!

Got a 5-star Review on Amazon

Awesome! "How to be a Roman Dominatrix" got a 5-star review on Amazon!

I have just finished reading Giles English's latest book, The Roman Dominatrix. It was wonderful. A lot of our discussions in the femdom blog world have been about women who are having a hard time reconciling being dominant with being a nice girl.

They feel pressured by their partners as well as the BDSM community to be more kinky, to be more into BDSM, when they are really just basically vanilla. That scares a lot of women off.

The book, The Roman Dominatrix gives me a different point of view, and a workable method for being a vanilla domme, and yet keep a happy sub. The AVE method is spelled out, easy to follow and fun for both partners. I recommend this book very highly for new and questioning dominants. 

I'm more relieved than pleased - I've had quite a few sales, but such is the nature of erotic publishing that people don't usually check back to write a review. I want this book out there putting right the relationship damage that mostly male subs inflict.

How to be a Roman Dominatrix published!

My new femdom how-to guide is now available on Kindle! It's for adventurous female readers who want to dominate their man, but are "vanilla", meaning not naturally kinky.

As you might imagine from the title, it's based on the (very hot) idea that Ancient Roman ladies routinely owned male slaves for pleasure!

What Roman slavery can teach  us about enjoying modern Femdom

Why the obsession with Ancient Roman slave owners?

This -

 

Yes,  a Roman lady... enjoying her slave. 

Authentic slavery means kink for him, vanilla for her

From her point of view, nothing kinky is going on. She's just enjoying  a quick licking the way a modern woman might take out her vibrator. 

From his point of view... well, it ticks many of the Femdom boxes: Oral Service, Male Nude Female Clothed, Humiliation, Objectification, Denial, Teasing (accidental) and, if he's wearing a theca, Male Chastity! If she's feeling playful, then there will be other kinks as well.

Roman-style slavery just works!

This asymmetry is a revelation! What if, instead of trying to tune in to her submissive husband or boyfriend's fantasies, the modern vanilla dominatrix simply treated him as an authentic slave?

Sure, it wouldn't deliver everything he'd spent years imagining, but it would give him a dose of 100% authentic slavery - no guilt, no second guessing, just service and suffering. 

Better yet, she'd know exactly what to do with her slave, because she'd be entirely suiting herself and relying on the situation to generate the kink for him.

And that's what my book "How to be a Roman Dominatrix" is about.

Nice post demonstrating the joy of being yourself...

Ferns has a nice post on her inner brat, which she lets out in some Femdom situations:

She is the one who will do mean things just because she can, who will pout and be completely unreasonable, demand impossible things and get cranky when they can’t be done. She is the one who will laugh with delight at his confusion, at the unfairness, she will make him do silly things for her amusement, she will be incredibly annoying just to see what he will do, she will poke at him because it makes her laugh. She is both playful and petulant. 

 The interesting thing is that though the results are wonderfully kinky, the underlying brattiness is not.

Making his chastity fantasy work for you - PART 3: Emotional benefits

So, there are three broad flavours of male chastity fantasy.

They're his fantasies, not yours, so what's in it for you?

The first benefit is EMOTIONAL. Yes, I know men in any kind of extended chastity can become more affectionate etc, but I don't mean that - that's as suspect as affection that comes out of a bottle or a happy pill.

No I mean two very simple emotional byproducts of any similar adventure:

First, helping a person live out a fantasy is to give them a wonderful intimate gift, which is an emotional thing.

Second, no matter how he pitches the fantasy, it is a rather embarrassing one, so he's making himself vulnerable to you. Intimacy is built partly on mutual vulnerability, which has to be an emotional benefit.

Fortunately, you can give this intimate gift and enjoy and reward his openness without going to much effort...

Whatever the flavour of chastity, you don't actually have to anything extra sexually! Yes, he may want you to teased and torment him, but once he's locked into a chastity belt, almost anything you do will have that effect. Think of it as passive teasing.

Imagine making love as normal, perhaps using a strap on dildo to substitute for his penis... you don't even have to act differently. You get the intimacy, the orgasm, and the afterglow, and he gets wild frustration. Everybody's happy. (If you do feel like taking advantage of him... well we'll come to that later.)

So much for sex. There remains what to do about the key. It depends on his flavour of chastity...

CHASTIZED MALE (wants out, wants you to use the key as leverage.)

This one is the most effort. You have the key and are supposed to use it as leverage. He may want to pester and plead, which you may or may not enjoy - you can always tell him not to plead or the adventure is over.

The trick is to put the key out of easy reach so you are never tempted to just free him.

For extended games, make him earn his release over days, not hours and decide ahead of time before freeing him. Consider using time lock encryption software - make him set this up so you can keep upping his sentence without being able to change your mind.

For just bedroom chastity, decide whether or not he's earned his release as a finale. If the answer is "no", then either make him jerk off in another room, or let him out in the morning. The threat of "no" has to be credible, so do this at least one in three times.

CHATHLETE (regards chastity as an endurance test)

He sets a target. Key goes in a sealed envelope where he can get at it.

Extended games are easy with this one. If he reaches his target, consider making a special evening of it.

Bedroom games are harder. The best option is just to agree that chastity will be overnight.

CHAYSTE (doesn't really want out of the belt once he's in)

Key goes out of reach, preferably using time lock encryption software or the postal service.

Handle extended and bedroom games exactly the same way. It's important to set a clear time limit, otherwise the end of the lockup becomes awkward and anticlimactic. There's no reward to treat at the end - release is just coming home after and adventure.

Do just this, and you'll be granting him a wild and special experience.

(For male-orientated advice like this, take a look at my Femdom manual.)

Making his chastity fantasy work for you - PART 2: The three flavours of male chastity

Everybody's different, there's not "one true way" in Femdom, chastity or any kind of relationship.

Unfortunately, the Internet tends to give the impression that there's only one kind of male chastity:

She has the keys and teases him mercilessly while using her power to get him to do the housework. If he's luck he might get to come once a month...

Nothing wrong with that, but people are more complex, and a male chastity device is a far more subtle toy or tool than people seem to think.

If you talk to people, read what they say online, then there are three broad flavours of chastity fantasy (apart from the first, the terms are my own)

The CHASTIZED wants out of the belt so he can orgasm ASAP. However, you have the keys and can use them as leverage to get almost anything you want - the kinkier the better, as far as he's concerned. He enjoys being on the wrong end of this kind of power.

The CHATHLETE wants out of the belt  but regards chastity as the equivalent of an athletics endurance test. He wants to struggle through to some goal of days or weeks. Your role is part coach and part opposition. Half the time you're encouraging him, the other half teasing him and making his life an erotic hell. It doesn't matter who has the keys.

The CHAYSTE male doesn't really want out of the belt once he's in. He enjoys the continuous arrousal and hightened awareness, and the sense of permission he gets from not having his penis in play. He'd also like to think that he's doing this as an act of deep submission. Keys? What keys.
(I suspect more chastity obsessed males are chayste than they let on, and that this flavour underlies the other two. However, it;s unfare to point this out to anybody.)

These three flavours of chastity all involve the same thing; some sort of chastity device. However, they work quite differently. For example, release is only an incentive for the Chastized. It would be a real let down for the Chathalete when he's two days short of his target, or the Chayste when he's wallowing in desire.

Even so, you can make each of these flavours of chastity fantasy work for you in ways that are emotional, practical and erotic.

• Emotional - There's nothing wrong with pleasing a partner you love. Making  a fantasy come true is a great gift which, if handled properly, need cost you very little effort.
• Practical - Handled correctly, all three males will performs services for you that are beyond the call of normal duty. I don't mean doing their share of the chores, I mean doing most of the chores. Better yet, they'll love you for it.
• Erotic - No possibility of male orgasm, and lots of desire. How's that going to work out? Read on and find out....

Next time, Lazy ways to make his chastity fantasy come true.

For more female-centric Femdom thinking like this, try my How to be a Roman Dominatrix.

Making his chastity fantasy work for you - PART 1: WTF?

OK, so he wants you to "force" (ha ha) him to wear a chastity device, and probably to tease and deny him.

WTF?

Male chastity fantasies and fetishes - sorry, they're just weird; and I should know, I have one. When in kink mode, I am happiest when locked into a chastity belt for the duration of the action, and overnight if possible.

If you're a natural "service top", one of those wonderful women who likes to facilitate her man's fantasies, then you probably don't need to read on. Just listen to him and work out how to make it true. There's also a lot of good femdom advice over on Mistress Ivey's blog.

However, most women - most people - are not service tops, or can't keep it up for more than an evening, and I bet he wants this for several evenings in a row, and possibly in between. It's starting to look less like a kinky game and more like a lot of hard work for you.

Before we go any further, remember, you have a right to say no, to tell him to put the stupid toy away except for the odd session when you are feeling generous.

However, if you are at least willing to consider the idea, because you love him, or because it might be an adventure, or because you're feeling generous, then this series of blog posts may help.

I'm not going to waste time on understanding his fantasy. It's enough to know that it probably...

• Pushes some well established buttons - thanks to frequent masturbation, men's fantasies wander around all over the shop, then lodge in odd places where they become more intense through repetition.
• Originally worked around some now defunct issues - perhaps he felt ambivalent about sex, once upon a time, or perhaps he used to have performance anxiety... he's over this now, but the fantasies he developed to get around these fears remain.
• Gives him amazing highs - men don't get much of a plateau phase before they tumkble off the orgasm and into ejaculation; chastity is all about plateau.
• Has an romantic component - he wants his chastity to be a gift (even if it's actually an anoyance)
• Isn't a physical rejection of you - it's more a desire to return to the adolescant experience of obsession and lust (delayed gratification does that to a man)

All very interesting, perhaps, but not very useful.

I'm also not going to words on trying to get you to be turned on by his fantasy. Sure there are erotic activities around his chastity that might push your buttons, but the device and the fantasy wrapped around it - they belong to him.

Moresover, Male Chastity is designed keep him sexually aroused an awful lot of the time. The idea is for him to wallow in a bath of eroticism... to return to the experience of teenage. Unless you are using some other device, you're just not going to feel that way all the time. But then men think about sex more than women anyway, so let's just not go there.

Instead, I'm going to work through the several kinds of male chastity and show you how to make them worth the trouble.

As always, the motto is:

Male chastity should offer you something you couldn't or shouldn't get through a normal relationship.

"7 steps to becoming a Vanilla Dominatrix" - anything I should cover?

I have the first draft! However, I wonder if there are topics other people think I should cover?

(This is a how-to Femdom book for female readers. It's not about becoming a "good dom", or any sort of spiritual journey. Rather it's about how to use his Femdom fantasies to satisfy your vanilla needs and whims; a backrub is a backrub, after all.)

Please drop me an email at gilesenglishCB@gmail.com, or post in the comments!

"How to be a vanilla dominatrix" - How to be bad (T&D)

Here's an excerpt from my work in progress, "How to be a vanilla dominatrix." This is all about how to enjoy being a vanilla dominatrix. Let me know what you think...

HOW TO BE BAD

In an ideal - male fantasy - world, your partner could hand you a whip, put you in charge. Your dark side would take over and you'd instantly become a terrifying yet sensual dominatrix.

This isn't of course very common. If you're reading this book, you're probably not one of those vanishingly rare natural dominatrices. This is probably a good thing, since it's you your partner loves, not some latex fantasy.

However - again - since you're reading this book, you're obviously open to experimenting with Femdom in ways that are mutually satisfying.

That means you have the problem of how to be bad.

There are two approaches to this.

You could treat the fantasies as a menu. You can look over the menu - his or your fantasies, or ideas from erotica or fetish forums - and pick the onces you fancy. It's certainly worth a try. Unfortunately, it's not always clear why you would enjoy a particular activity, and the activities themselves don't always hang together naturally.

More natural, though requiring a little more thought, is to build fantasies from who you already are. That's what this chapter is about.

Your vanilla sexuality is a fantastic foundation for authentic but deeply kinky Femdom. This shouldn't be too much of a surprise because most male submissive fantasies are just an exaggeration of what women already do.

Don't believe me?

Take an example. A popular (but not universal) male kink is for "teasing and denial"

In Teasing and Denial (T&D) she leads him on, then denies him orgasm.

Only a minority of - usually young - women do this deliberately. In the UK we call them "prick teases", though "ruthless flirt" would be a fairer term. Sometimes they get an erotic buzz from this, other times it's the attention or pampering they enjoy. (There's nothing inherently wrong with this sort of behaviour. If the men stick around, it's because they're enjoying it.)

However, a majority of women have done this truly without intending to, or even being aware of it. You may be on a date enjoying kissing or petting, he thinks this is the lead up to sex. You may be the grateful beneficiary of practical help, he thinks he's seducing you. Or perhaps you enjoy an active social life with friends of both sexes, but occasionally have to distance yourself when a male friend becomes frisky.

Deliberate or accidental, it doesn't matter. Men, young men especially, live in a crazy sexualised world. The male (entirely subjective) experience of courting is to be continually led on and repulsed, teased and denied. We don't mind really, because it's so very exciting... and because some of us get a secret satisfaction from submitting to it.

That heady mix of excitement and submission, and the association with youth and attractive females, easily produce a fantasy where the teasing and denial go further. For instance, she enjoys her sexual penetration but makes him withdraw before he can come, or she toys with his penis until he's ready to ejaculate, then stops...

It's not a kink that females easily empathise with. Fortunately, like your Ancient Roman incarnation, you don't have to. All that matters is that you enjoy your side of the kink.

If you always found flirting fun, and if you've missed it since settling down, then perhaps teasing and denial is actually worth experimenting with. Not only do you get to flirt with your partner, you also get to have your cake and eat it; you get to flirt and have an orgasm while doing it.

That kind of activity is what I call a game. It's like the "sex games" you get in vanilla manuals - the classic Joy of Sex calls it "slow masturbation" - and like the "scenes" you encounter in BDSM culture. You are deliberately setting out to tease and deny him (at least for a little while). You're calling the shots, and he's quite possibly tied up. You tease and he pleads.

The problem with games is that they require time, energy, self confidence, and some skill. If your first response isn't "That sounds fun," then it's probably a blend of "How the heck to I make that work?" and "It sounds like a lot of trouble".

That's fine. If you still like the idea of the kink, you can get enjoy it in other less demanding ways.

The easiest is to introduce a rule: He doesn't get to come unless you say so or perhaps doesn't get to come at all, and no pleading (unless you like the idea). You can even enforce this with a prop; there are plenty of reasonably cheap male chastity devices on the market at the moment (see later). Now, if you like, you can make love "business as usual", totally mutual and spontaneous, except that for that rule.

So, you're making love with a man who isn't allowed to come... Or better yet is in a chastity device. Might you be tempted to tease him a little bit? A caress here, a taunt there? "Is that nice? What a shame you can't put your cock there..." Because you're both doing something else, in this case making love, you have the space to also enjoy dipping into the game.

Another approach to teasing and denial is through service.

Service means him actually performing tasks you'd want him to do anyway. Licking your boots doesn't count as a service, licking between them does, as does cleaning the room and doing the household chores. The thing about service is that your slave can only do as he's told; he needs a positive instruction in order to come. Denial is the default.

So, if your slave performs an erotic service with little hope of an orgasm, then that's still teasing and denial. You can get your back rubbed, enjoy oral sex... whatever, all with his frustration to add spice.

Just as with a rule, service can also give you the space to actively play a T&D game. The service doesn't even need to be erotic! If you enjoyed the long drawn out game of real life flirting, then you can do the same with your slave. Set him a mundane chore, and flirt outrageously and physically while enjoying the sense of security that comes from complete control.

Now, what if you're not interested - excited - by teasing or denying your slave? It's still possible that you might enjoy not being responsible for his orgasm.

For example, there may be times of the month when you enjoy erotic play, but not penetration, or find regular sex a bit too messy. A rule will help here. It's also possible that you enjoy a back rub with a "happy ending", and once you're sleepy and sated you lose interest in sex: that would be service.

Finally, what if teasing and denial doesn't excite you, and you are always happy for him to have an orgasm, but it's still a major fantasy for him?

If you feel like it, you can still use rules, games and service but, as a perk for him, deliver a dose of teasing and denial.

By perk, I mean something that's extra, that's for your partner's benefit, even if it makes your slave more miserable. It could be something as simple as you wearing stockings, or as complex as a drawn out ritual or game.

Teasing and denial is one of those perks that need not require much effort on your part. For example, you can proceed as normal, but with the rule that he's not allowed to orgasm or plead. If he's in a chastity device, it need not even interfere with normal sex - just make him use a "strap-on" dildo. This has the added benefit that you get to pick the shape and size, and he "lasts" as long as you want him to, and no longer. It's also the ultimate in safe sex... The same goes for service.

Of course, if pleading his part of his fantasy, you have the option to just tell him "tough luck". Or, perhaps you enjoy punishing him for pleading.

So, teasing and denial is like a lot of Femdom. It starts with something quite normal, vanilla flirting or occasional female indifference to male sexual needs, and uses rules, games and services to ramp it up into something wild and kinky.

"How to be a vanilla dominatrix" - what line to take?

(SEE UPDATE AT THE BOTTOM OF THE ENTRY!)
 
I’ve been quite surprised by the number of vanilla women requesting copies of my “Vanilla Dominatrix” book! I also see similar women popping up on Fetlife looking for advice on dominating their partner.

For this  reason, I think it might be useful to do a female follow up, “How to be a Vanilla Dominatrix” – if gay men can write sex tips of straight women, then a sub can help a wannabe domme. 

What I’m hoping you fine folk can help me with is; what approach to take.

For those who haven’t read it, “The Vanilla Dominatrix” pushes the idea of doing Femdom for “real” on a part-time basis – no scripts or scenes, not much negotiation, and no need for the domme to posture or put on an act.

The objective is to create a space where the rules are different and she really is in charge. You get there – or not – by suggesting carefully selected Femdom activities that extend who she already is… if she likes flirting, suggest teasing games, if she enjoys being pampered, serve her, and so on. With luck, she starts enjoying being the vanilla dominatrix of the title.

Now, if I write a female oriented book, it would have a similar objective – there are other writers with more experience of 24/7, fetish clubs and scenes etc.

The snag is, there are two different possible approaches, and they don’t sit well together:

Option 1 Callous

Basically, forget his fantasies, what would *you* use a slave for? This is not entirely bleak for him; couples tend to have complementary dark sides – for example, if she likes mute service, he probably enjoys being used like a robot.

A proportion of the book would present BDSM as a toolset for getting what she wants.

I think this is the most empowering option, but some readers might find it too cold or cynical. There’s also the risk that it’s a bit much to expect her to take responsibility for the kink.

Option 2 Cooperative

Really, a reworking of the original book from the female perspective. Investigate his fantasies and work out which ones fit you, and how.

There would have to a listing of common sub fantasies, what’s in them for her, and how some of them can be fulfilled without going to great effort.

I think this is the most loving option, but risks shifting the focus on his pleasure and not hers.

So, what do you guys think?

UPDATE

Wrote it!

I ended up doing a bit of both, and writing an entirely fresh book called "How to be a Roman Dominatrix". So far I've had very positive feedback about it.
 

The Vanilla Femdom dynamic explained

Is it worth looking for the origins of a man's Femdom fantasies?

Like semen, fetish has a way of spreading over everything it touches.

Imagine an adolescent male who masturbates over bondage fantasies because he enjoys the sense of peril and the stretched sensation.

The imagination being what it is, he wraps a story around the fantasy to give it some context. Who would tie him up? A "traditional dominatrix"? Gradually he develops a fetish for latex ladies. Or has he been looking at too many Boris illustrations? Now chain mail bikinis are also his turn on.

What else would she make him do? A dungeon-full of props and activities become a turn on. At first they just point to the bondage fantasy. Soon they become fetishes in their own right.

Then, this lust-dripping fantasy world becomes a playground where he can work out his frustrations and issues. Possibly he has no idea how to get laid, let alone what it would be like. Even thinking about the terrifying process of courtship is stressful. How much easier to imagine the girls that he fancies as part of his femdom inner world.

If he's scared of women or ambivalent about his masculinity, then he'll invent scenarios that work around this... she's in charge, he doesn't get to come... The sense of release fuels the fetish. Some young women are easier to imagine as dominatrixes than others. The class bitch will get more than a few walk on roles.

Meanwhile, submission in its own right becomes a fetish, because it points to all this kinky goodness. However, the new fantasies grow from the submission fetish. "True" submission packs a panicky erotic punch and draws him away from fantasies where he is the centre of attention. The original bondage fantasy no longer fits, and quietly fades away. 
 Does the history of his Femdom fantasies matter?

I don't think so. It's simply not useful. For example, the man who was a boy in this tale wouldn't be particularly interested in playing bondage games, unless they obviously excited his partner.

It is, however, useful to be aware that fantasies colonise by association. Any "compromise" Femdom action he and his partner arrive at has a good chance of becoming erotically charged.

For example, suppose she's happy to boss him around, but only if she can wear what she likes; after all, she's supposed to be relaxing. He can have a day as her slave, but she's going to wear her old jogging pants and baggy T-shirt. At first this is a bit of a let down. Then two things happen...

He realises that her casual dress code reflects his total lack of power. She doesn't have to put on a show for him, doesn't have to look good, because she is totally in control. At the same time, he's getting all the slavery he wants, complete with service and (mild) beatings. She only has to put on the jogging pants to make him get hard.

Next Project? "How to be a Vanilla Dominatrix"

A book for her to read?

On Fetlife.com and elsewhere, women sometimes seek advice on how to dominate their partner. One even private messaged me and asked whether my femdom how-to guide would help her.


I'm... unsure about this.

On the one hand, it seems wrong for a man to tell a woman how to be dominant.

On the other... well, I've learned what works and what doesn't through my own failures, and rare successes, and through listening to others. I think I would confidently advise a friend, so why not people who would be friends if I knew them in real life?

Not all men can talk about their fantasies, or have had time to think about them enough. Perhaps they're the kind of man who can't learn from a book, or are too young or too romantic to think they should. In such a case, if their partner is willing to explore femdom and wants to take charge of the direction things are going... perhaps I can help.

The important thing, the thing that makes all this work, is the idea of the Vanilla Dominatrix.

A Vanilla Dominatrix is a woman who, from time-to-time, dominates her partner in a consensual but unscripted way, but neither identifies as kinky, nor gets a buzz from being kinky. She may engage in femdom at the prompting of her partner, but she enjoys exactly the same benefits that she would  if the power relationship were real.

These benefits all relate to her real personality, not some fantasy role, and are extensions of things she already enjoys. Namely, these are: services, things she enjoys having done for her; and games, her natural playfulness taken to the next level. For example, if she enjoys a back rub with a "happy ending", then in session, she can get those on tap, with no obligation to satisfy her partner (service). If she enjoys flirting, then in session, she can tease her partner until he drips (game).

If the services and games are enjoyable enough for her, she may grant her partner perks in return, for example opening with some erotic ritual, or agreeing to some props or clothing. Otherwise, the focus of the session is entirely on her real needs and whims.

What? No latex?

The Vanilla Dominatrix differs from some Dominatrixes as described in other books and places:

• The focus is on her pleasing herself, rather than her partner - though of course pleasing him, may be something that pleases her. There's no script, or advice on theatrics.
• Services, if she enjoys them, are not byproducts or fringe benefits. They can be at the core of her experience.
• The exchange of power is assumed. There's no need to manipulate, or coerce, unless that's what she wants.
• The relationship is strictly part-time. This is more realistic that 24/7, and does away with all the considerations of whether she really wants a subordinate partner. It also allows things to be deeper and nastier, without a sense of setting a new standard.

Is it worth suggesting how this might work from her perspective? I haven't decided yet.