Did 50 Shades of Grey miss the trend?: How many women fantasize about sexually dominating their partner?

46.7% of women fantasize about
dominating somebody sexually.
Find out how to not mess it up when you meet one.

Good news! 46.7% of women fantasize about dominating somebody sexually, according to a survey of 1,517 Quebec adults.

64.6%, meanwhile, fantasize about being dominated. So rather than 50 Shades of Grey revealing the dark truth about women's sexuality, it really just revels in one of several dark truths.

Sure, two thirds of women get off on the idea of being dominated, but roughly a half of them quite like the idea of doing the dominating.

Better yet, since 53.3% of men have submissive fantasies, it follows that the true sexually submissive male to potentially sexually dominant female ratio is 1.14:1, pretty much one domme for every sub.

Depending on what female switches really do, this is slightly better or much better than the estimated 1.6:1 to 4:1 ratio in the active fetish community.

But the game changer is: these new statistics are for the whole community, not just the active fetish one.

Just think about it. Half of modern women are potential dominatrixes.

...if a woman has a dominant fantasy
it's likely to be a fairly soft one...Learn how to sell yourself to her as a slave!

Half of the entire pool... the pool of every single datable woman in your city, the ones you have other stuff in common with, not just the ones who pop up in the Fetish community. Those are pretty good odds if you approach it right.

It feels as if something has changed. Are modern women simply more confident and empowered? Is it that there are more dominatrix-like role models on screen and in books?

One thing that I think is very clear is that you can't assume these dominatrix fantasies are off-the-peg ones, or match what the webcam dommes get up to.

"Dominate" implies a dynamic, yes, but only 23.8% of women imagined spanking or whipping somebody, and 10.8% were interested in "forcing" somebody to have sex. However, 41.7% imagined tying somebody up for sexual gratification.

So, if a woman has a dominant fantasy it's likely to be a fairly soft one, and -- I'm betting -- she's still unlikely to have done anything about it, or even be prepared to admit it.

That means that, if you are compatible in other ways, you still need to approach Femdom honestly but with care, always asking yourself "what's in it for her?"

---

Don't resign yourself to just getting off on other people's adventures! When we started out, my wife was vanilla. Use my manuals to help you walk the same Femdom path! There's one for him, and one for her. 

Second Sabbatical in Slave Land: It's real! - A nasty whipping from a suddenly sadistic wife

"I'll bring my Christmas boots."

"I'll bring my Christmas boots," said Xena, meaning the knee-length ones she picked up in the Christmas sales, the ones that give me a hard on just contemplating.

We were planning our romantic weekend, and that was her way of telling me that it would be a Femdom one. I wasn't complaining.

Now weeks later, I'm kneeling with my arms stretched out and pinned to the high foot of bed in our holiday cottage. If I strain my ears, I can hear the sea and the wind, and the rain on the windowpane. Mostly, though, I can hear my own pulse.

We already had a finale for our one-week Femdom sabbatical. I had forty or so demerits, which Xena administered in blocks of ten. She was tired and more amused than turned on. It also amused her to give me a chance to get off by pegging myself, and then announcing that that was it until the next weekend.

"...it was a kind of sea change with her
sadistic side emerging into the light."
Find out how to get some of this in your life!

Looking back, it was a kind of sea change with her sadistic side emerging into the light. However it wasn't really a peak experience for either of us.

Now, on my 28th day of denial, I wanted this time to be different. I'd racked up a few demerits over the previous week, and then, with Xena's agreement, added one for each upwards fluctuation in my weight (I am on a diet). That took me to 40 demerits.

Earlier, as I rubbed her feet I asked permission to make a suggestion and then said, "It occurred to me that whippings are only really interesting to you when I'm outside my limits."

"It's all the same to me," she said offhandedly, still not rushing to hold her sadism up to the light.

"Fair enough," I said, "But how about you give them all to me at one go, anyway?"

"OK," she said and went back to her book.

Now, an hour later, she sweeps into the room in a feminine skirt, knee-length boots clopping on the thin carpet.

I mewl and lick my lips.

"Don't do that. It's disgusting," she says. Then she raises her hem, exposing first the warm thigh length socks and then her neatly trimmed bush - no underwear tonight.

It would be enough that she looks delicious. However it's even more amazing that she's actually visually teasing me. My vulnerable chaste state has given her back her sexual aggression. Groaning, I lose control of my Kegel muscles which twitch wildly, making my penis inflate painfully inside its cage.

Xena strides over to the bed, picks up the dressage whip I bought years ago, and then beats the hell out of me.

It hurt.
Find out how to get some of this in your life!

Thinking about it as I type this turns me on. And the prospect of it gave an edge to the preceding week. However it was not an erotic experience right then.

It hurt.

Really hurt.

I strained against the bonds, whimpered, almost wept, and it still hurt.

All the while she gave a running commentary in a playful mocking voice. "That's ten. Just think. only thirty more... Oh I lost count. Start again... tee-he..."

Finally Xena stopped, flopped on the bed so I could admire her boots, then finally released me. She had me take off the boots off, alas, but then got under the covers and had me go down on her.

This was the first time I'd got to serve her orally after a proper beating, and I burrowed under the covers with glee.

She was already hot and wet. Beating me, I realized with a dark thrill, had turned her on.

Later as I stroke her hair and she teases me about how many days I must to wait before an orgasm, I say, "Just so you know, that whipping was wasn't remotely erotic. I really wanted it to end..."

Xena interrupts with a laugh. "I know."

"...but nothing on earth would have made me ask you to stop," I complete.

That was four days ago, and I still haven't been
permitted an orgasm.
Find out how to get some of this in your life!

"And if you had asked, I still wouldn't have stopped," says Xena sweetly, and I know instantly that she means it.

"Oh Christ," I say. "This is real! You never were any good at role play."

She tilts her chin. "Of course it's real! How else did you want me to approach this? Are you complaining?"

"No, no," I say. "I'm just outside my comfort zone. I've always tried to keep this limited. But you're an all or nothing person... I guess I'm trapped by my own fetish..."

"You are, aren't you?" she says with a note of glee.

I squirm, hard again inside my chastity device.

That was four days ago, and I still haven't been permitted an orgasm.

---

Don't resign yourself to just getting off on other people's adventures! When we started out, my wife was vanilla. Use my manuals to help you walk the same Femdom path! There's one for him, and one for her. 

Wristbands

"Perhaps I need three wristbands..." I say.

I'm kneeling at the end of the bed giving Xena her Sunday night foot rub. There's no chance of any erotic action, but I'm locked into my chastity device anyway. It's the end of a weekend sabbatical, in preparation for which I avoided orgasming for a week. Just touching her turns me on and makes me remember the previous night when my services were very much required...

Xena doesn't look up from her tablet. "Guess what?" She reads out some gossip from Facebook and we share a laugh. Then, "What was that about wristbands?"

"Oh," I say. "I was thinking this one doesn't give me much range." I'm wearing  a grey wristband to remind us both of my status, which we jokingly call Compliant Husband. "And that I could do with two more. But now I realize that's silly."

"How so?" asks Xena. "Do the heel.. that's nice."

"Well," I say. "I was thinking I might have a red wristband for when I was chaste but otherwise equal..." I trail off as she laughs. "But I guess we'd never use it."

 "..the previous night when my services
were very much required..."

"Too right," says my wife. It's not  a kinky thing. She genuinely finds the idea amusing. When it comes to kink, it's her way or the highway.

"And perhaps a black wristband for when I was a mute slave," I continue. "But we don't need that either because you can shut me up anytime you want."

Xena nods and goes back to her tablet.

For adding some Femdom to your relationship, try my BDSM self-help guides....

BDSM Culture is not the same as BDSM.

"BDSM Culture ...predicated on 
the assumption that... 
the top or dominant is as 
kinky as the bottom or sub."

Posted on reddit earlier:

BDSM Culture is not the same as BDSM.

BDSM Culture has evolved to make BDSM safe, sane and consensual especially (but not exclusively) between players that are new to each other, e.g. through the BDSM dating scene or at clubs.

"If I am whipped, it is 
because she is cross..." 

It's also predicated on the assumptions that the interactions are essentially benign, and that the top or dominant is as kinky as the bottom or sub. This explains all the jargon and emphasis on communication and aftercare. It especially explains the use of half-way house safe words to indicate things like "too intense".

Outside BDSM culture, subs and bottoms often have vanilla - non kinky - partners. Such partners are usually not interested in embracing the subculture and impatient with anything demanding time or effort with no obvious benefit for them.

The sub has a very poor negotiating position and mostly can only take what he or she is given, and take responsibility for all the practicalities. This can still work on a part-time basis because having a slave is nice even if you aren't kinky, and it is in the nature of power to corrupt.

However, the result is nastier and looks abusive and exploitative. Safewords are reserved for safety, there's minimal communication and negotiation, and good luck with aftercare (unless the dom enjoys giving it).

"If I'm serving, I really 
am serving." 

We, of course, are in the latter category. Though sometimes I get a "treat" like an end of week whipping, the action is always genuine. If I'm serving, I really am serving. If I am denied it's because she isn't interested in making me come. If I am whipped, it is because she is cross, or else she becomes cross during the whipping. In one sense it's bleak as hell. In another it is an amazing privilege to do this mostly 'for real', albeit part time.

For adding some Femdom to your relationship, try my BDSM self-help guides....

How to feel good about being a sexual submissive

"...not much in the vanilla world can
crush and humiliate us any more;
being a submissive makes
you stronger. "

Being a submissive takes getting used to. Not the experience itself, though that takes practice. I mean the fact of being a submissive.

"It's only a game" doesn't get you very far. The role feels way too comfortable to be dismissed so easily. The inescapable truth is that part of you is a submissive, and that doesn't gel with our ideas about adult dignity and self determination. Worse, if you are a man, you may secretly fear that it means that you are a wimp and a loser and if you are woman submitting to a man... well, it goes against the Feminist grain.

The good news is that there are better ways to look at your sexual preference:

1. Submission is a delicious secret identity

Accept that you are a submissive, but refuse to identify with it. Instead it's a separate, secret part of your life. Enjoy that secret; the people around you have no idea what you've done or what you're capable of!

2. Submissives are strong

We submissives do things that would emotionally destroy other people, and we come out the other side flushed and happy. You have to be strong to do that! Better yet, after a while, not much in the vanilla world can crush and humiliate us any more; being a submissive makes you stronger.

3. Submission is a subversive extreme gender sport

"As a male submissive,
you get high rejecting
traditional masculinity."

Submission is about more than just getting off; there's the adrenalin and the endorphins, the excitement and the glow. So it's reasonable to think of it as a kind of extreme sport.

Rather than jumping off bridges with elastic ropes tied around our ankles, we are make patriarchy our plaything.

As a male submissive, you get high rejecting traditional masculinity. As a female submissive you turn traditional femininity into a kink.

That's subversive, isn't it?





For adding some Femdom to your relationship, try my BDSM self-help guides....

New product description for Roman Dominatrix

I'm just about to update the Amazon product description of my How to be a Roman Dominatrix self-help guide.

Some readers seem to be expecting a very different kind of book, perhaps the Mistress Lorelei's Mistress Manual,  which as I recall - it's been a while - uses the male partner's fantasies as a starting place and relgates benefits to the dominatrix as a byproduct. It's a good book, and by giving a woman permission - since she's doing it to please her man - has a good chance of giving her the space to explore her own feelings.
Roman Dominatrix just does something different - it starts off with the idea that owning a slave can be fun in vanilla ways and assumes that the sub gets his kicks as a byproduct.

Other books I haven't read are more embedded in the BDSM Scene. That's not a bad thing. A sense of belonging to a wider culture can - again - grant permission. However, some women just aren't interested... aren't natural joiners. They only want to know "What's in it for me?" That's who my book is for.

I've tried to update the product description to reflect this more clearly. Hopefully this will help me avoid any oddly angry reviews. What do you guys think?

Ancient Roman ladies enjoyed having male slaves, and - yes - they did put them to erotic use. Why does modern bedroom Femdom have to be so much effort? What’s in it for you?

Written from experience by an otherwise normal (!) submissive male, this book is for women who are sexually adventurous but have neither the time nor inclination to embrace BDSM culture just in order to satisfy their partner’s fantasies.

It WON’T teach you to be a “good” dominatrix, nor guide you through clubs and munches, nor drill you in bondage, topping or protocols, nor help you negotiate scripted scenes, nor expect you to manipulate your man, nor urge you into a Female Led Relationship.

It WILL use techniques drawn from modern psychology to help you build a strictly part-time Roman version of your relationship… and to make that mistress-slave relationship feel 100% real.

You need never feel silly or awkward or at a loss. You’ll always know what to do because you’ll be following your natural inclinations, albeit unrestrained by consequences or reciprocity.

Relax and be… self-indulgent, introvert, extrovert, mean, affectionate, playful, practical, flirtatious, sensual, clinical…  There’s a good chance that, as a byproduct, enough of his fantasies will be satisfied to make it worth his while.

You get to be yourself. He gets to be your slave. You get to have a hot secret couple adventure. Everybody gets to be happy.

But why are you reading this description? Take a look inside the book and make up your own mind!

Is erotic submission a gift?

Margo Adler, ethusiastic kinkster, says in her blog:

...sadomasochism is embarassing enough without adding an additional layer of cheese and canned corn over it.  Jesus Christ. Are we going to a Renaissance Faire next?  I don't know about you, but I am absolutely terrified that a filmmaker out there is planning to make a Trekkies-style documentary about us.  When that happens--and it will--we will never, ever live it down.  

Who is giving who the gift?

She's talking about subs who loudly tout their submission as a "gift".

I tend to agree.

In Femdom, the only gifts that count are the ones that aren't your (the sub's!) idea.

Suppose your dominatrix wants more than you would normally give for fun: she wants more service, or more suffering, or more of both. If it's her idea, and you give it because you want to please her, then that is a gift. However, it's the kind of gift you can't offer up front, especially to strangers. (Perhaps it's also the kind of gift you shouldn't give. Would it not be better for the rest of the relationship to ask for a trade?)

There is one other kind of genuine gift you can give a dominatrix. If you truly serve - e.g. polishing the boots, not licking them - then you are making a gift of yourself as a slave. However, in return she gives you the precious gift of experiencing being a slave.  This is the kind of gift that cancels itself out in the giving! 

So, either you can't offer it up front, or else your gift is really one side of an exchange of gifts. In either case, it's not really something you should rush to mention, let alone get any kind of advantage from. To do so reeks of emotional blackmail, of trying to be special like the Mary Sue of a million episodes of one-handed slash fiction, or grasping at a figleaf of dignity, when shedding dignity is the whole point.

Most of all, it's making a fuss! If you have followed this blog or read any of my Femdom how-to guides for semi-vanilla couples, you'll know I'm big on Not Making a Fuss Over Your kink: stick to specifics, don't unburden or expect to draw your partner into fantasy land.

The difference between a Femdom session and a scene

"Looking wonderful in her party frock"

"The room is beautiful!" My wife kisses me then stifles a yawn.

We've had a lovely romantic day, first sight-seeing around the city, then catching up with old friends at a 50th birthday party. Now we're alone in our hotel room, and she's still looking wonderful in her party frock. She's very much the Vanilla dominatrix, and I love her that way.

"I brought the toy bag, so we have... options," I say.

"Oh. What are you in the mood for?" she asks.

I'm caught on the horns of the dilemma. I've been enjoying watching her at the party. I want to have sex. But at the same time, when I feel horny, I feel kinky. And we have been talking about kink on our road trip - something we don't normally do. I guess the sales of my two Femdom manuals have made us think about how many other couples might be kinky behind closed doors.

"You're tired," I say truthfully. "Let me be your slave."

A chaste night in a hotel room

"Falls asleep without any erotic action."

Off to the en suite. On goes the chastity belt (I must share the design some time). When I come back into the room, she's sprawled on the bed. I was rather hoping to make love to her, instead she orders a massage and quells any attempt at conversation.

She's thrown a switch! The affection is gone. Now I'm just a slave.

I want to tell her I love her. Tell her how much I desire her. Instead, I can only rub, pummel, and thumb her naked flesh until she's limp and relaxed. I know what's going to happen and I segue from frustration, through irritation, to a kind of erotic horror; I know we have a relationship beyond this slavery, but I can't reach out and touch it. I'm powerless to do anything other than massage her until...

She announces that she's ready to sleep and does just that.

My wife falls asleep without any erotic action. This leaves me chaste, frustrated, in love, and awestruck.

Awestruck?

"I was a real slave"

You see, she didn't make an effort, didn't apologize. She took it utterly for granted that she could do exactly as she pleased. It didn't have to even be erotic. She wanted to sleep, so she slept.

Our roles have felt real for a long time, but that night they passed a kind of test. She felt no obligation to perform, and  I felt no entitlement to... anything.

A few days later, she said sweetly, "I can't believe I crashed out like that."

I laughed and explained that just thinking about it was a hell of a turn on because it meant I was a real slave, and that the the threat of an erotic washout would make things even more exciting.

The limits of negotiation and consent

"Not what I had in mind!"

Of course, when I brought out my chastity belt, her falling asleep was not what I had in mind!

I did not consent specifically to being used non-erotically then ignored. It's not something I would have negotiated for in a BDSM scene: "Hey, let's be Mistress and Slave, but you pretend to be more sleepy than turned on, and I don't even get to lick you."

And yet, because it was an utter violation of any expectations I might have had, it was a wild turn on. I have never felt quite so enslaved as when I lay in bed, hard in my chastity belt listening to her sleepy breathing.

Yes, it's good to negotiate general conditions and to establish consent for things that would otherwise be assault. However, too much of that and you have a scripted scene. Reality is so much more exciting. My slave can no longer take his mistress for granted!

The power of continuity between Femdom sessions

If that had been our only Femdom this year, that session would have been a disaster. However, it was actually a fantastic success since it  has established the reality of our ongoing owner-slave relationship.

"Real"

In a sense, we both passed the test.

It seems that no matter how "badly" she behaves, she's still the mistress and I'm still the slave. From now on, our roles won't just feel real, they will be real.

Just thinking about that turns me on.

For more advice on making Femdom really work when one partner is vanilla, try my no-fuss Femdom how-to manuals.

Male slaves! Be better than a hot bath and an episode of the Good Wife

Result!

Can Femdom ever be more compelling for her than regular love making?

If she's basically vanilla, probably not.

So don't try to compete with it. Instead, make your slave available on evenings when she's up for relaxing and pampering, but not really interested in penetrative sex.


Be better than a hot bath and an episode of the Good Wife.

For more advice on getting your wife or girlfriend to dominate you, take a look at my Femdom guide, now available for Nook.

Two kinds of Femdom submission...

A friend's recent post got me thinking about the two modes of Femdom submission.

Submission is like love... probably is a kind of love, so it has two modes:

Submission the process

Submission the Process

This is the place for a lot of traditional  "scenes" and certain kinds of "play" as limits stretch and the tested sub goes deeper into their submission. It's also about those moments of passion when you fall at her feet and... well... submit.

But, just like love, it can't be like this all the time...

Submission the state

Submission the State

Imagine the toyboy of a Roman domina; he doesn't have time for expressions of undying submission, nor is his owner likely to go in for theatrical tests of his submission, because his submission is a simple fact.

A real - historical - slave lived in a state of submission. In Femdom, that  kind of state is the logical result of the process of submission.

This is the Femdom equivalent of comfortable but deep romantic love. Lovers share space and time, and enjoy eachother's company. An erotic slave serves and his mistress enjoys his service. If his devotion interests her, then there's ritual as well; he worships and she enjoys being worshiped. However, none of this is dramatic.

Getting it right

Humans just don't do boundless passion on demand! And, if the process of submission is powerful enough, then it can only lead to the state, for a while at least.

In a long term relationship Femdom is probably no different from any other kind of sex. Realistically, vanilla couples have loving sex as standard, with passionate lovemaking as the occasional peak experience. In the same way, Femdom couples can realistically expect submission-the-state as routine, with wild BDSM Femdom for matinee performances.

Moreover, some couples can't really achieve submission-the-process. Perhaps she's too self-conscious, or not forceful enough to dominate him. Perhaps he's so deeply submissive, there battle's over before it begins. In this case, submission-the-state is the only kind that's available.

The good news is, both kinds of submission are deep, real, valid. I suspect it's best to revel in what you have at any one time, rather than to try to force things.

For help in building any kind of Femdom relationship with your vanilla partner, try my book!

Femdom means no more bad sex ever, and more intimacy...

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Part-time Femdom gives you more certainty than lifestyle/FLR/WLM

Over on another blog, a submissive male referred to his mistress-wife giving him the gift of a year of chastity.

Of course, for a submissive male, it is a gift (though my book is all about making this worth her while). The snag is that part of the buzz comes from it also being a torment.

So you end up with...

• It is evil for a mistress to force her slave to be chaste
• It is good for a wife to pretend to force her submissive husband to be chaste

You get the same problem with all the whips and chains that go with a Femdom eroticism.

• It is evil for a mistress to be callous or sadistic to her slave 
• It is good for a wife to pretend to be callous or sadistic to her submissive husband

Some people can carry this off. Most people - and this means most women - find this a bit confusing on all levels, including the moral one. If you weave fantasies of evil into real life, then there's a natural fear of becoming evil. The brakes are on.

Meanwhile, the male submissive is caught in the paradox of consent:

• The slave naturally pleads with the mistress for the experience to end.
• The submissive husband naturally wants to experience to continue (and enjoys pleading).

So, if he pleads or whines, is this an attempt to negotiate the rules of the game, or just in-character emoting? How is she to tell?

If - like me - Femdom attracts you because it creates islands of certainty, then this is a bit of problem.

If the Femdom relationship is  strictly part-time, however, things are simpler.

• She can be a mistress with no real world consequences.
• He can be a slave, with no reference to the real world.

I prefer it that way...

The dirty secret of D/S: It's not all about sex!

(Triggered by an interesting discussion over at Tamara's blog.)

Being a submissive is pretty embarrassing.

If you don't believe me, imagine explaining it to a square friend; "Well, Bill, I like to get off by rubbing against my girlfriend's feet, then I lick the cum from between her toes."

If it would be embarrassing to explain to people in the outside world, since that's our reference point, on some level we're still a little embarrassed by our submissive urges.

We respond by putting a spin on it; "I'm this wild eroticist! I plumb the depths of human sexuality in order to reach new peaks of ecstasy."

Well, maybe.

That doesn't explain why those of us who enjoy giving Service - me included - are happy to spend long periods in role, just doing chores. I don't mean doing chores while  being stalked by a whip-happy mistress, I mean just doing chores, as in getting on and washing and cleaning while she relaxes, with only the distant prospect of punishment.

Yes, I know some subs talk about dripping precum while doing the ironing. However, most of us can't stay physically aroused for hours at a time, and many of us are happy to continue serving after we've had an orgasm.

Of course, thinking about slavery is a turn on. 

Imagine spending a week in a lonely cottage as her chaste slave, doing all the work, pampering her, while she relaxes. If you fail to meet the mark, she gives you a perfunctory whipping - no ritual, no dressing up, just, Kneel! (WHACK!). Every couple of evenings, she enjoys a massage and oral sex. Most of the time, she just turns in after her shower, leaving you to picture her wet naked flesh while you try to sleep on your camp bed in the kitchen, tormented by the throb in your chastity belt. Too bad - you've signed up to be a real slave.

Well, that turns me on at any rate. What would it actually be like?

Sometimes, you'd be  aware of what was happening to you, of your hopeless situation, and your chastity belt would tighten like a vise. Some of the time you'd be bored, but that would remind you of your slavery and you'd get turned on. Most of the time, though, you'd be lost in the routine of quiet service.

Yes,whenever it comes into focus, the fact of our slavery turn us on unbearably. This should be no surprise. But what about the rest of the time? When we're not hard inside our chastity belts?

There has to be something else going on. Two things, I think:.

First, letting go and giving quiet attention to the tasks in hand is profoundly relaxing. Shorn of the whips and chains, it looks suspiciously like a spiritual practice. Apart from the object of our devotion, are we much different from the monks of old?

Second, and more importantly, slavery makes us safe from the dangers of life. We can feel 100% secure because we're told exactly what to do, and the consequences of failure, though painful, are always temporary. A slave never gets rejected or fired, only whipped or chained.

During in the glorious week of slavery that we imagined, you're safe from modern adult life - there's no need to think about career or mortgage, or education loans, or home improvements. You're also safe from the dangers of your relationship - she tells you what she wants and you don't have to guess or second guess, or be empathic; her expecations are limited and explicit.  And, being a slave keeps you safe in the most dangerous place of all - the bedroom...

...and that's why slavery is erotic; slavery keeps us safe from all our fears and anxieties over sex.

However, that "enslaved freedom" applies across the board--which is maybe a bit embarrasing. :)