Top and also Dominatrix? Why this matters if your partner is vanilla...

Top

I just had an interesting discussion over on Reddit that hinged on the distinction between "Topping" and "Dominating".

Of course definitions are not set in stone, but "Topping" tends to refer to activities that are the BDSM equivalent of lovemaking.

Rather than bringing her partner to the peak of ecstasy through her pelvic muscles and oral technique, the Top renders him a quivering wreck or pleading cum-monkey, depending on her objectives. Just as in love-making, the reactions of the partner - the "Bottom" - shape the actions of the Top. This often-negotiated experience is interactive, a conversation in pain and groans, and is known as a Scene.

Sadist

The Dominant, however, is simply the person in charge in BDSM relationship, whether it be part-time, permanent or a fleeting hook up. The Dominant does not need to top, may never feel like it.

In the real-world BDSM club culture, I doubt this distinction matters because public play is all about Scenes, i.e. Topping and Bottoming.

However, this is a critical distinction where the BDSM is part of an actual Domination and Submission relationship. It just doesn't work if the ostensible sub is really after specific scripted experiences... the "do me sub" who tops from the bottom.

Ice Queen

This distinction is even more critical if your dominatrix (or dom but I'm a male sub) is "vanilla".

If you're read my Getting her to be a vanilla dominatrix,  then you will have encountered my PIRI modes.

They're just a way of mapping the moods of your partner. This is not a manipulative technique so much as a systematic reality check, something male subs seem to need:

Goddess

There's nothing magical about this. People - your partner included - have four possible ways of relating with other people and their environment:

• Interact: Talking, playing, making love. Interacting with the people around her.
• Project: Bossing, managing, creating, expressing, discoursing, lecturing, playing music. Giving a blow job. Projecting herself on the people around her.
• Resonate: Listening, basking in adulation, watching, absorbing. Receiving cunnilingus. Resonating to the people around her.
• Ignore: Getting on with things in her own space. Masturbating. Ignoring the people around her. 

Obviously, different sorts of BDSM activities. Her are some typical BDSM archetypes for each mode:

• Top: Engages with your experience in order to toy with you.
• Sadist: "Forces" an experience on you. (NB most BDSM folk would count a sadist as a kind of top.)
• Goddess: Basks in your adulation. 
• Ice Queen: Gets what she wants. Doesn't care what you think.

Well and good, but think about how her energy levels dictate her PIRI Mode. Everybody is different, and each person has their own prohibitions and injunctions - which is why you need to read my book! - but two typical personality types are are "introvert" and "extrovert".

Here's how Introverts and Extroverts pass through the PIRI Modes as their energy levels diminish - not just in BDSM, but in real life too:

• Extrovert begins in Interact. Paying attention to other people requires effort so as she becomes tired, she drifts into Project and stops listening to other people. Finally, when exhausted, she enters Ignore.
• Introvert also begins in Interact. However, she finds exposing herself to be exhausting, so as she fatigues, she drifts into a passive Resonate, before shutting down in Ignore. 

Ignore Mode

Now we can see the problem with Topping! 

For both Introvert and Extrovert, the interactivity of true Topping is tiring. She has to really want to do it before it's worth the effort. 

Energy wise, it's much easier to - respectively - slip into being worshiped or making the sub suffer in the manner of her choosing, and even easier for both to switch off and enjoy being served in Ignore Mode.

There's more, of course. It's generally easier to persuade somebody to be selfish than cruel. However, even if you can get past self image and moral qualms, in the long run, it will be energy levels that determine what kind of Femdom you enjoy as a couple.

For help in introducing your vanilla wife or girlfriend to Femdom, try my BDSM self-help guides....

Why Communication, Negotiation and Consent aren't that important when submitting to a vanilla dominatrix

 "She doesn't need to do any 
of this kink stuff." 

Communication, Negotiation and Consent are central to the the culture of the BDSM community. They enable relative strangers to play together, and new lovers to form relationships: He likes ropes, she likes using hot wax, how much? How intense? How about...?

That's great, but most of this isn't very relevant when submitting to a vanilla partner.

Sure, you need appropriate communication to get to the point where you can play Domination and Submission, Mistress and Slave, and this includes offering carefully tailored a la carte suggestions of things that might be enjoyable to her; "tie me up, have me serve, make me dress up..."

However, once you are at that point, communication, (apart from regarding safety, of course!) becomes rather redundant because you have the world's worst negotiating position.

If your partner is vanilla, she does not identify as "kinky", and does not get a kick out of the kink itself. She doesn't need to do any of this kink stuff. For example, just the idea of a chastity belt turns me on. For my vanilla wife Xena, the question is; "What's in it for me?"

"Complaining might make the Femdom go away.
Really you have almost no power in this part of
your relationship."

It follows that all you can do is give her anything she wants, the only condition being that she gets it in the context of your submission. For example, I'll serve Xena domestically or erotically, and demand nothing... but only when I am her chaste slave, under realistic discipline.

In effect, the one negotiation that does take place is when you temporarily become her slave in return for her letting you be her slave.

Once that's happened, there's really not much to communicate about except to occasionally... tentatively... suggest things that extend what she's already doing - "You can hit me harder... I found this device online..." Such communication diminishes in importance as she becomes confident in her power and gets to know her way around the Femdom menu.

As for consent... beyond genuine hard limits, it's practically irrelevant.

Suppose you get too bored, too humiliated, or experience too intense a pain? What can you do about it? Complaining might make the Femdom go away. Really you have almost no power in this part of your relationship.

That sounds pretty grim until you consider that your really have no power in this part of your relationship. For all intents and purposes, you really are a slave. I don't know about you, but that turns me on. (Now if only I weren't locked into this male chastity device...)

For help in introducing Femdom to your vanilla relationship, try my self-help guides....

Sabbatical in Slave Land: Finale - A Damn Good Whipping (and not 'Funishment') Part 3

(Start)
"Hmmm," muses Xena. "Which whip?"

I frantically pump my muscles, trying to summon up a protective hardness in my chastity cage.

Years ago, Xena gave me a gloriously vicious whipping that had me close to tears.

It's her. She's not wearing anything special,
not pretending, just beating me.

We'd been together a few months, and in that sexperimentation stage, and I was being slave to her mistress. I think I was on my knees, wrists chained to ankles, and she beat me with that angry look of hers. But I spoiled it by doing that whole "communicate communicate" thing, by trying to turn her from a novice sadist to a service top.

Now here we are again, years of marriage later. Xena has a whip in her hand, fire in her eyes. It's her. She's not wearing anything special, not pretending, just beating me.

For my benefit or hers?

"Let's see what this one does..."

WHACK! Pain sears my shoulders. "One."

It's the solid riding whip, really just a nylon cane.

WHACK! "Two...!"

I jerk and writhe against my bonds. I've stop worrying about whether she'll follow through, or what's in her mind. I'm in the now, and I want it to stop.

"Five!" She stops. "Let's see what this one does."

The sensation fades and I want it back. Out of the corner of my eye, I see her pick up the Fred Norman flogger. Damn. It's a wonderful piece of workmanship, but it's wide soft leather makes for erotic impact, not pain.

Xena starts counting out the blows, and the sensation is... pleasant. She gets to ten then announces, "This is tiring." She puts aside the flogger and leaves me alone in the room.

I kneel there feeling disappointed, worrying about the whether, not the what. When she returns an age later and picks up the flogger again, I hiss, "That one doesn't do anything. It's just pleasant."

 Suddenly she's swinging the thing
like a tennis pro. 

"Really?" She flies into a rage. Simulated? Irritation behind pretend anger, then blending it? I don't know. It feels real. Suddenly she's swinging the thing like a tennis pro. "Does this hurt!" WHUMP! "Or this?"WHUMP!

I don't even writhe. I just kneel their moaning, wishing the pain would stop, yet unable to even contemplate unclipping my bonds. That loss of power, sense of being owned - it's satisfying in ways that are impossible to describe.

Xena stops. "Well?"

"Jesus that hurt!"

She laughs. "Too bad. Since you complained, none of these counted. We'll start again when I get back."

And that's how the next hour goes. Random breaks and angry whippings.

At last, she takes her break by getting into bed - remember, I'm chained across the foot of our kingsize. She starts to read, utterly ignoring me while I kneel there throbbing from head to toe.

Great, I'll get to go down on her.

But I hear this moist scratching sound, and the pages turn faster and Xena gives a little sigh. Sated, Xena gets up, gives me a final beating then tells me to clean up.

Soon we're tucked up in bed. She's asleep and I'm lying there, still locked in my chastity cage. My life is a success.

* * *

So, nearly a month later, I still don't know what happened that night. Was it for me? Or her? Did she pretend to herself she was doing me a favor, then get lost in it. I haven't asked.

I do know that next time, I shall approach my whipping with considerable fear, and so I am content.

If you'd like to experience something similar, take a look at my Femdom self-help guides....

Spot the dominatrix

From my Getting her to be a Vanilla Dominatrix:

According to the Kinsey Institute website:

A study looking at message board posts found 71% of heterosexual males but only 11% of heterosexual females and 12% of homosexual males prefer a dominant role when engaging in sexual bondage.

And

14% of men and 11% of women have had some sexual experience with sadomasochism”

Let’s assume that these figures are roughly correct. Roughly a tenth of straight women have played BDSM games. Out of them, one tenth identify as sexually dominant.

So, imagine there are 100 women in your widest possible social circle, only 10 of them are remotely likely to be the kind of person who’s easily BDSM friendly, and out of them one (1) identifies as sexually dominant.

If you can find her, you’re competing with between one and three other guys, and one of them’s probably her long-term partner or playmate.

For adding Femdom to your otherwise vanilla relationship, take a look at my kinky self-help guides....

Sabbatical in Slave Land: Finale - A Damn Good Whipping (and not 'Funishment') Part 2

...will Xena follow through
with gusto...?

So, I'm due at least 28 lashes, but will Xena follow through with gusto, or will it be a lack-luster perfunctory couple of flicks with the flogger? Or is my Vanilla wife too irritated to beat me?

I dither over whether the preparations I have in mind will make things better or worse. Then I realize she's in the mood to do this properly, or she's not.

I'll take the chance and go for the full fantasy.

I unpack the restraints and attach them to the foot of the bed. They're cheap Velcro webbing off Amazon but they have a massive advantage: no work for Xena - I can get in and out of them with ease, as long as I'm not distracted by, perhaps - I don't know... - somebody hitting me with a whip.

I've added a bit of chain and a luggage strap belt so that they keep me kneeling bent across the foot of the bed.

Now I won't have to use willpower to stay still for the beating. I'll be able to let go and writhe, and Xena may enjoy my helplessness and feel... empowered by it.

...tweaks an old
fantasy...

I put on an iron collar. I'm more excited by chastity belts these days. However it tweaks an old fantasy and distinguishes between me in low-key submission mode, and me as a prisoner awaiting punishment.

There's a chance it will put Xena in the right mood. (It will also protect the back of my neck from collateral damage - Xena isn't noted for her accuracy with any kind of whip.)

I remove my wedding ring and put it somewhere safe. This is not  a moment for any kind of tenderness. (Did she notice? I don't know.)

...knotted leather thongs that hurt like hailstones...

I lay out the whips. There are four of them; a short riding whip that smarts, a long dressage whip that stings like hell, a nasty home-made scourge with knotted leather thongs that hurt like hailstones... and a wonderfully crafted Fred Norman flogger.

I hesitate over the Fred Norman because it doesn't make me flinch; it's more erotic than painful. However, I'm a little unfocused in my thinking and have a vague idea Xena might use it towards the end when I am too tender for the other implements.

The demerit counter goes next to the whips. This has been a great way to let Xena hand out punishment in situations when she doesn't want to think about whips and chains. (But will she follow through....?)

Finally, the butt plug. Yes, something totally for me, and not in the spirit of punishment. However, I'm really keen to introduce it to our menu, and I know the idea intrigues and amuses her. She can always order me to it out. Ironically, as soon as I slide it in, I go limp inside my chastity cage!

I'm running out of time, so I put on the restraints and clip myself into position, waiting for my whipping. Theme music drifts over from the den. Xena's program is over. Now I'm frantically clenching and unclenching my muscles, trying to muster up the protective hardness. Nothing! Now I am scared of the beating.

More theme music - she's watching another episode. My feelings orbit between outraged and cross, to helpless and turned on--

It's her!  Not a role, or a
character she's taken on.
She really is angry..!

--until my shoulders begin to hurt. The restraints are adjustable so, panicking in case she comes in, I unclip my wrists and reattach them with the chain less taut. It's better but the the discomfort soon returns. I can only wriggle up onto the bed, and listen tensely for footfalls on the landing.

An eternity later, I hear Xena's coming towards the bedroom door. I slide back onto my knees just as it opens and she sweeps in. She's wearing a comfy T-shirt dress and sports leggings; nothing fetishistic or even elegant, though it does let me admire her curves.

Xena  glances at me, shows no surprise or particular emotion, and pads around to where I laid out the whips.

I crane my neck to see.

Xena has the demerit counter. "Twenty eight demerits, Giles! How did you earn that many?"

"I'm very irritating, mistress," I say, which is the truth.

Xena's eyes blaze.

I feel a wave or relief, followed by a delicious panic.

It's her!

Not a role, or a character she's taken on. She really is angry, and that anger is trapped inside our mistress-slave relationship. It has nowhere to go except into me!

"Yes you are, Giles," she says, and picks up the riding whip.

Oh shit, I think, straining against my bonds. She is going to follow through.

If you'd like to experience something similar, take a look at my Femdom self-help guides....

 Part 2

Cheap mainstream timelock bondage safe

Ha, somebody is going to get rich with this "kitchen safe". I wonder if he realizes...

Interestingly, it stays locked with flat batteries, but you can replace them when it's locked and then the countdown timer continues. That would be a great way of creating a cooling off period before release.

(link via thrownaway-yesterday of Reddit)

Sabbatical in Slave Land: Finale - A Damn Good Whipping (and not 'Funishment') Part 1.

My wife is the World's Worst Service Top.

My wife is the World's
Worst Service Top

This doesn't normally matter, but on Thursday evening I'm approaching my well-deserved beating and feeling anxious - not about my 28 demerits, but about whether or not Xena will follow through.

Agony! This is the end of our longest Femdom Sabbatical, and I am terrified of disappointment.

Past experience hasn't exactly been inspiring. Typically she'll sit up in bed while I kneel on the floor. "Have you been a naughty slave? (Whack! Thwack!). OK that will do."

It's my fault. I've always treated corporal punishment as "funishment" - something that looks as if it fits the Mistress-Slave relationship, but is actually an erotic kick for me.

Xena simply isn't into funishment. She's fine at being in charge, fine at normal equality, but utterly rubbish at "sort of being in charge but not". She'll give it a go, but quickly gets bored. She's also emphatically not interested in messing around with ropes and bondage gear - if she is in charge, then everything has to be for her convenience.

I'm not interested in funishment either.

I want to be a slave. I want - need - the beating to be there in my slave world. I want to anticipate it with delicious fear, and look back on it with awe. This is simply not possible if I actually enjoy the experience.

Being whipped is a
scary prospect

Being whipped is a scary prospect. In the past, before I got into rough and extreme sports, I assumed that real punishment would, by definition, be too painful and damaging. Better to play out the fantasy rather than live it. The online world of BDSM seemed confirm this. There are doms who - quite rightly - treat whippings and spankings as a reward, to be withheld as punishment!

But.

Most of  BDSM is about liking what we don't want, enjoying what we don't like. There is no summation of urges and feelings, only competing chunks of grey matter with their own sets of brain chemicals. Why else people who get off on humiliation, or - like me - enjoy male chastity?

Meanwhile, historically, some people have embraced lives under discipline. The Medieval Rule of St Benedict - for monks -includes a good serving of corporal punishment:

but such as are not upright and are hard of heart, proud, and disobedient, let him chastise at the very first offense with stripes or other corporal punishments, knowing that it is written: "The fool is not corrected with words."

So I think it's entirely legitimate to want to have a Mistress-Slave relationship where real punishment takes place.

How do I know it's real? If I fear it, work hard to avoid it, if it makes me flinch, if I want it to stop, then it's punishment... even if the idea of it turns me on. In other words, if it helps Xena get what she wants, then it's punishment.

(A quick aside. Yes, there are arguably better and more modern ways of correcting a person's behavior than flogging them until they squirm. However, part of the cost of having a slave is that Xena is limited in what tools she can apply.)

Authenticity is the main
compensation for relinquishing specific fantasies

Communication is overrated. In the BDSM community, prospective partners must negotiate and establish expectations. However, those of us who are settled down with vanilla dominatrixes can only take what we can get. Authenticity is the main compensation for relinquishing specific fantasies. Over-communication can feel like topping from the bottom, and is more likely to destroy the Femdom rather than enhance it.

In this case, however, I needed to reverse the damage I'd done over the past decade or so. Earlier that week when we went to dinner, Xena got me talking about what I'd learned as her "compliant husband." I made sure I described the place of punishment in my mental eco system: my way of dealing with open ended guilt - retribution, catharsis, redemption.

Now tonight we're discussing plans for the evening. I mention there are outstanding demerits.

Xena scowls, irritated. "I know that, Giles! Right now I'm tired, I want to watch TV."
"Yes," I say. "Let me shower and set things up. You come through when you feel like it."
"Hmmm. OK."
I can't help it, I push; "May I give you some technical advice on the beating."
Xena sighs. "If you must. You're making me cross now."
"It's OK to be cross," I say. "It's not supposed to be erotic or pleasant. Hurt me. Be angry. Make me flinch."
Now Xena is cross. "You already told me that, Giles!"
I hold up my hands in a placating gesture. "You tend to forget things, though."
She laughs. "OK Now go away."

So I scurry off and get through the shower. Then I contemplate the bondage gear I'm planning to use. This is my one chance for a really good beating, but if I go too far, she might throw up her hands and call the whole thing off.

What should I do...?

While you're waiting to find out happened next, take a look at my Femdom self-help books for couples where the female partner is "vanilla".

EDIT: Part two is here.

Sabbatical in Slave Land Debrief 2 - Making a chastity marathon work

During our Femdom sabbatical I  "enjoyed" continuous chastity from Wednesday to Saturday, and Sunday to Friday. Not really a marathon by the standards of heroic chastity veterans like Richy or "Locked and Denied" (who has riveted his on!). Even so, this is much much more than my usual locked on Friday after work, free on Sunday morning before going for a run with friends.

Here's how it breaks down:

• 9 days of denial
• 9 nights in chastity (maximum 5 consecutive)
• approx 170 hours of chastity (maximum 115 consecutive)

So, denial, nights and hours... Here's what I learned.

Prepare realistically for your male chastity experience

Locking up in a chastity device is like going on a Mars mission - you need to 100% know that the technology will work during the journey. Read reviews and forums; it's not guaranteed. 

Ensure you have a device you can trust: All the little irritations and chafing - they add up.

The second device is the perfect fit. 

The first device I bought was... (blush)... too long - my penis head would get painfully lodged in the bend. God knows what days of this would have done to my sensitive tip! The second device is the perfect fit. I tested it with increasingly long lockups and even found a way to make make the chastity device 100% pullout-proof.

However I missed how the locking post would chafe my pubis - something I had to fix "in flight" using craft materials left over from my DIY CB days.

Know how to sleep in your device:  Not only can't you function without sleep, broken nights will put your partner off the whole adventure.!

A few sleepovers, and some forum searching, taught me to wear tight briefs to support my steel-cased gonads.

However, I forgot to avoid spicy food and coffee, and my first night in chastity entailed endless toilet trips. Later I made contingency plans to sleep in another room.

Be able to go out.

Set a sensible period: Each new record you set is virgin territory. Push yourself too far and you may find your device has become some kind of alien, intent on clawing your skin  to shreds.

I almost I did this. However, by the end of the final five day stretch, I had bad chafing. (A product called Sudocreme helped, but was hardly erotic!)

Be able to go out: During a long lockup, there's still shopping to do, cultural trips to make, a social life to maintain, and possibly work to go to.

This is why I shifted over to ball-gripping devices. I also thought through what I was prepared to do, and what would feel creepy.

Make your chastity marathon real

Use a non-human keyholder.

It's no fun being stuck in the halfway house between doing and not doing. The dominatrix becomes insecure or irritated, and starts second-guessing the sub. He, meanwhile focuses on the unlock/stay-in decision and becomes irritatingly restless. Better to make the chastity marathon as real as possible.

Use a non-human keyholder: Using Time lock self bondage software or the postal service takes the decision out of both your hands; there's no pressure on her, no temptation for the sub to wheedle. This certainly worked for us :)

Use the longest possible lock-in: The further away the next possible release date (as long as it is sensible!), the easier it is for both parties to accept the situation.
I discovered this when I hit the button to lock myself in for four days. Suddenly, I could sleep soundly.

Have realistic expectations of extended chastity

A male chastity device isn't "fire and forget", nor is it magic. Wearing it requires some adaption of behavior, and it won't magically change your relationship.

Keep yourself clean: If you chafe, the adventure will become an ordeal. If you start to stink, she may bring the adventure to an abrupt end.

I showered regularly, and used a hairdryer to remove all moisture, in both operations carefully tugging the skin through the base ring. (I was pleased this didn't defeat my security fix.)

You may be a walking horn, but most
of the time she is not going to be in
an erotic head space

Don't expect an erotic marathon: Though you may be aroused half the time, your device probably won't much change your partner's level of desire from what it would be in similar non-kinky circumstances. If you're enjoying an erotic week away, then that's what you'll get. If she's in her normal working routine, then expect sexual activity with the normal frequency, or slightly better.

Xena was working hard during our two weeks. Two erotic episodes was actually a slight improvement on what I would normally have expected. However, at first I felt cross and cheated.

Don't expect her to be interested in your experience very often: Again, asymmetry rears its head. You may be a walking horn, but most of the time she is not going to be in an erotic head space.

I did my best to shut up about my experience, but it was hard.

Don't plan a finale of wild sex once you are unlocked:  Sure, it seems like a great end to the experience - fuck like rabbits and use up all that trapped man-seed. There's two reasons why this might not work: first, though you've had a frustrating few days or weeks, she's probably had quite a satisfying one - she hasn't built up the same head of steam; second, an extended period of chastity may have left you chafed, sore, and bruised - your erection may not be impressive, and sex may be painful for you.

I timed my release for the afternoon after the last night of our Femdom sabbatical. I can't claim any special wisdom - I just wanted to extend the experience as long as possible. However, when I did unlock it was clear I was in no fit state for sex.

* * *

So lots of prep work, minimal partner engagement and no sex at the end - put like that extended chastity sounds pointless!

Actually, it was mind blowing.

The preparation  meant I could relax and enjoy the experience, Xena's matter of fact acceptance of my chastity was - frankly - deliciously terrifying, and being helplessly tossed on waves of desire, mind blowing.

All the days of denial amplified the effect if the last night, when Xena gave me a very thorough beating...

To enjoy a slice of this in your love life, try my Femdom self help books available in a variety of electronic-formats.

Sabbatical in Slave Land Debrief - Making Femdom work beyond the bedroom

PictureLoKIT - awesome for timelock chastity

(There's actually one more actual sabbatical story to come - last night was punishment night, but I need Xena's permission about how much of that I can share.)

Well, I'm sitting here looking at my PictureLoKIT encryption software and I see we're almost at the end of our FLR/Femdom adventure. It's a hell of an achievement getting this far.

Xena is still  her vanilla self. I haven't turned her into a fetishist. However, like her Roman predecessors, she enjoys the vanilla benefits of having a slave and is happy to go to the trouble of having one.

Looking back at the last two weeks, I can see that it was all much harder than our usual "bedroom Femdom". We only do that if we are both feeling horny: there's always a reasonable expectation of BDSM activities, the roles are always clear and the end is always in sight.

Femdom outside the bedroom makes everything more complicated and raises all sorts of challenges familiar from previous much shorter sabbaticals, and from my research for my two Femdom how-to manuals. Some of them were much much harder to cope with than I expected.

So, here they are and how we dealt with them (some of this may go in a second edition of my books).

Asymmetric Femdom Experience (Resolution: shut up, cover up, mediate)

 "...neither of you are feeling
the... same kind of thing..." 

Outside the bedroom, the Femdom experience quickly becomes asymmetric, especially if your dominatrix is vanilla - like my Xena - and doesn't get off on the power itself. By asymmetric, I mean that at any one time, neither of you are feeling the same thing - or same kind of thing - with the same intensity.

To Xena, a cup of tea is a cup of tea, and a tidied kitchen is a chore out of the way. To me... well sometimes I'm aware of my enslaved state and hopelessly hard inside my chastity belt, and sometimes I'm contemplating the next erotic episode and when it might be.

When this happens, Xena, of course, doesn't want to know. She's not in an erotic headspace. Talking about erotic plans or expressing kinky feelings is like bringing out my genitals at the breakfast table - wrong context! Alas, when in the subtle dynamic of "compliant husband",  it's very hard to hang on to the fact of the asymmetry and I irritated the hell out of Xena until she finally told me to stop oversharing.

So, here's how we dealt with the asymmetry:

Shut up: As general rule, I just didn't talk about my experience unless asked.

Cover up: In non-erotic situations, I hid the erotic kink. I kept my chastity device out of sight at sleep time and in the morning, and kept all equipment discretely stashed until needed - which it was.. :)

Obfuscate: If something connected the mundane with the erotic, I kept that connection off stage. A simple vanilla wristband symbolized my state. I asked for chores in a plain, matter of fact way. As previously agreed, we used a clicker counter to tally demerits; at the touch of a button, Xena could condemn me to a painful whipping, but without having to think about it.

Her vanilla needs  (Real world submission, Practical bondage, Agreed boundaries)

Femdom with a vanilla dominatrix has to be about her. That means you can't expect her to barricade herself in the house for two weeks devoted to making your life hell. If you have the time and space for a Femdom sabbatical, it may well be that your partner has other things she wants to do as well. The test is, if this were real, what would she do with her time?

"...if this were real, what would she do?"

Xena still wanted my companionship from time to time, she read, watched TV, saw her friends, and wanted to go out as a couple... she also needed uninterrupted sleep. All this raised issues to do with my chastity device, appropriate behavior inside and outside the home, and some ethical considerations.

Real World Submission: It's fun, and comfortable, to wrap up our submission in fantasy worlds - "This isn't me/us, this is two Romans/Goreans/etc" - or props and costumes - French maid's uniforms, fetish collars and dramatic protocol. Not much of this can survive contact with doing the lawn and shopping, going to the cinema, working the email, or meeting up with friends.

My "complaint husband" persona worked a treat. Inside the house, I mostly behaved as normal, but asked for and accepted orders for chores, and let her control our interactions. Most of the time, from Xena's point-of-view I was "maid" (not the kinky kind!), masseuse, PA, and companion. Outside the house, I just seemed to be an attentive husband.

Practical bondage: I'm not happy submitting without being locked into some item of bondage: it's wrong to "give it away for free"; a continual reminder is good for maintain submission (see below); and an unambiguous fetish item makes it clear when I am submitting and when I am not- when I take it off, back to normal.

In my case that item is a chastity device. My old DIY device, though it looked good, was not practical. It inhibited my movements, made it hard to sleep, and was useless outside the house except for short trips to the shops. The new Chinese chastity cage, however is terrifyingly comfortable, discrete and easy to sleep in. I can go anywhere with Xena and do almost anything in the home or outside, as long as there are no metal detectors. (More on this in a later post.)

Appropriate boundaries: What I said about asymmetry (above) holds doubly true for Femdom outside the house. You have to have a shared idea of what's ethical and appropriate.

We would be uncomfortable drawing unconsenting people into the erotic side of our Femdom dynamic, using strangers to create humiliating situations for example. However, outside the house our Femdom isn't really erotic and the chastity device is so comfortable I forget it from time to time - it's more body jewelry than sex toy. So, there seems no problem being out and socializing.  I think I might feel uncomfortable inside somebody's home, or with my male buddies.

Femdom fade (Mark of slavery, Stick to the program, Retreat down, Curtain)

All this normality risks washing away the Femdom; either she starts treating you as normal, or you start topping from the bottom.

To be honest, the "compliant husband" role made this very hard. I had difficulty knowing when I could or could not express opinions. Worse, sometimes Xena would ask me what I wanted to do, and get cross when I gave an erotic answer. Eventually Xena got cross, and I pointed out that she just needed to tell me what she wanted. After that it became easier.

"Mark of slavery"

Mark of slavery: Some kind of always-visible symbol can act as a constant reminder of your relative places. In our cases it was the wrist band and - for me at least - the chastity device.

Stick to the program: Even if she seems to have forgotten, stay in role. Things won't get better if you try to manage events, and the Femdom might go away forever.

In our case, I started parrying her questions with; "You choose, that's the point of having  a compliant husband". When several nights running she hit the sack without erotic activity I gritted my teeth and made no comment. (It was worth it in the end...) When she got cross, I reminded her to give me a demerit.

Retreat down:  When things do go wrong, it's best to avoid breaking role by retreating down the levels of submission.

When - after asking "what now?" and I went all pushy sub - Xena lost her temper, I apologized, asked her to just tell me in future, then said that a slave not a husband was required right now and went and knelt on the floor out of her site. Eventually she asked me back to bed and we were fine. (I asked for and got a demerit because - as submissive - everything is automatically my fault.)

Curtain: It helps to have a clear understanding of when the curtain goes down on the drama - a known endpoint. This counters the tendency to keep revisiting the decision to continue the sabbatical, reduces insecurity, and promises an end to any dissatisfaction - "Oh well, it's only until 6pm tomorrow."

We had agreed a curtain, and enforced it using a time lock for my chastity device. When I was frustrated and cross and felt Xena wasn't ever going to use me erotically - she had  a hard week at work so wasn't in the mood much - I told myself, "To hell with it, I'll stick this out until Friday to show her I can. That way she'll trust me." Meanwhile, Xena was never in any worry that I might try to segue our sabbatical into a lifestyle.

* * *

All this is hard work for the sub, but my god it's worth it! In the final analysis, it all comes down to:

• Really submit to the real person
• Plan ahead, plan around her
• Act as if the power were real

For enjoying some of this in your relationship, see my Female Centered Femdom self-help guides....

Sabbatical in Slave Land - Last Night - Truths; some vanilla, some uncomfortable

Tonight is our last sleepover in Slave Land. It's not quite been two weeks; ragged start and finish, and an interruption in the middle. Even so, it's the dynamic that's dominated our home life for most of this time.

"...most of this time has been low key,
undramatic and not particularly erotic.
Even so, I've felt deeply comfortable."

I've learned a lot of small but significant things about Xena, my wife. She needs to get out and about more than I do, and she really does enjoy switching off and being alone; all useful intelligence for vanilla life. I also know how she likes the housework done. When we go back to equal shares, there will be fewer arguments...

I've also learned some things about myself, not all of them comfortable.

I really am an extrovert - it's been agony going through this adventure and not being able discuss it, analyse it, talk about it! (This nearly ruined the entire adventure.) I also don't have a lot of preferences - most things in life I don't care one way or another. Perhaps that's why I'm so ill prepared for nuance and conflict.

I just don't like nuance! As a "complaint husband", I wanted to switch off and have Xena  tell me how to act, control the topic of conversation, specify the imtimacy.

The same goes for conflict. I needed the demerits. When I screw up, I don't like that open ended  feeling that everything might not be OK. Painful but specific punishment is better.

Those are probably the vanilla traits that make me submissive.

"I am a Submissive."

And that's the first uncomfortable truth I've known in theory for a while, but am now sure of; I am a Submissive.

I mean, it's not just a fantasy or a fetish. Given Xena has been working, most of this time has been low key, undramatic and not particularly erotic. Even so, I've felt deeply comfortable.

So it's who I am - not all of me, but in other circumstances I could easily have gone that way. I now fully get people who commit to a Female Led Relationship/Wife Led Marriage.

Then there's Chastity.

Sitting here now with less than 20 hours of chastity ahead, I have no desire to remove my device, no desire for an orgasm (it's only been 10 days, so that could easily change). Partly it's just the effects of a chastity device as a sex toy; I love the sensual feeling when I get turned on and suffer wave after wave of arousal. Mostly, however, I have some deep ambivalence about masculinity. The chastity device lets me escape that.

I am so comfortable with the role of chaste submissive that thinking about this fact makes me uncomfortable...

...and a little panicky, which is, of course, a turn on :)

There are  two or three articles left to write. In the mean time, check out my Femdom selfhelp guides; they might help you get a slice of this lifestyle...

New Amazon Review of Getting Her to be a Vanilla Dominatrix

I missed a new review on my Vanilla Dominatrix book:

"Getting Her To Be A Vanilla Dominatrix" by Giles English instructs submissive men how to make their femdom fantasies come true with a significant other.
Many have tried and failed to woo a vanilla partner into dominance. Lifestyle players urge us to seek out partners in the BDSM community and establish sexual compatibility beyond a shadow of a doubt. To try and convert a vanilla lover or spouse to the dark side is folly that will only lead to frustration and heartache they maintain. Flying in the face of such accepted wisdom Giles English proposes that our best chance of finding happiness is to explore femdom with someone we love.
Giles points out that many components go into building a successful relationship. If we base our choice of a life partner entirely on kink compatibility other issues may arise that will derail us later on. He freely admits that his methods may not work for everyone. Giles documents specific steps based on his own experience but makes no money back guarantee of success. There are some women who will simply never be open to exploring kink. For some of us it will be "no soup for you" regardless of how hard we stir the pot.
"Vanilla Dominatrix" encourages us to sell our inner slave to the woman we love. For the man who hopes to woo his lady into dominance Giles has the following advice: "Stop regarding dominant females as a means to an end; a high maintenance sex toy that could be replaced by an android. Give up all sense of entitlement and focus on what's in it for her." This is excellent advice.
Giles uses PRI mapping and profiles to methodically describe his strategy for seducing a partner into dominance. Such systems of classification (some might say manipulation) have always seemed somewhat hokey to me. Nevertheless someone just starting out may find valuable advice therein. At it's core the idea is to base your femdom explorations on qualities your lover already possesses rather than trying to build on something that isn't there.
If you are a submissive man hoping to woo his partner into dominance you may find some of the suggestions in "Vanilla Dominatrix" very helpful indeed. (link)

 I'm glad people are finding this book useful. It started off as a response to the embarrassing mistakes of wannabe subs including myself. There is a big downside to learning by doing!

For adding Femdom to your relationship, see my His and Hers  Femdom self help books available in a variety of electronic-formats.

CB anti-pullout using pubic hair and surgical tape 36 hour update

(NB This post should have gone out the day before)
Well that's my pubic hair and surgical tape system tested for 36 hours including two nights and two showers.

(Updated version)

So far, there's been no discomfort. The tether seems to have stretched a little but not come away. (When showering, it's important not to strain the tether and to give it time to dry afterwards.)

How secure is this piercing-free anti-pullout solution?

Of course no chastity device is secure. There ought to be some sort of scale! 

On its own my device is secure when I am hard. With the tape and washer system, I cannot pull out without cutting or breaking the tether. Tools - scissors - are required.

This means pulling out:

• Requires a sustained conscious act.
• Might be noticed, or wake a sleeping mistress.
• Would be obvious from inspection.

This is different to a piercing only in degree, and has the advantage that you can remove it without trace.

Would it work for long term or permanent male chastity?

The surgical tape has the advantage that it is easily removable. However, for  a longer lockup I will use rubber solution glue and some sort of gauze. 

How long would that last?

Google tells me that human hair can last at least a year, perhaps longer. In an ideal world, as the tether hairs fell out, new ones would grow, so one would simply create a new dreadlock when the time came.

This need not entail removing the device. The initial dreadlock could be extremely extended, making it easy to thread through and attack before snipping.

UPDATE: I used this from Sunday evening through to Thursday afternoon. On unlocking, the tether was still sound, the pubic hair still in place. However, the tape had slid down the length of the hair somewhat, thus stretching the tether. Better tape, I think, would do the trick.

(Read more on customizing your Chinese chastity device.)

For adding male chastity to your relationship, try my Femdom self help books available in a variety of electronic-formats.

Permanent Chastity Self Hypnosis?

Male Pet sent me a link to an amazing site with professionally produced chastity self hypnosis "tapes". It's a really seductive approach to resolving the security problem. I think we do this to ourselves to an extent anyway.

The recording I listened to was very much geared to the keyholder dynamic; she enjoys controlling his sexuality.It conveyed a lot of power to the keyholder, including the power to switch the dynamic on or off. It also had some built-in safeguards for safety and privacy.

One for our dynamic would be a little different. My mistress likes me enslaved and chaste for our D&S time; there's no interest in controlling my sexuality so much as negating it. Meanwhile, I like being "chayste" for the drawn out plateau of sensuality and the way it resolves various issues I have with masculinity.

If I were writing a tape for men like me and if I were being a bit irresponsible and setting out to generate insecurities, it might go like this:

* * *

"Your device protects you
from her terrifying vagina."

Your device is your destiny.

Your device keeps you clean no matter how filthy your mind. Before the device you were a drooling pervert, a freaky porn addict, one hand glued to your repulsive groin, always dirty. Your device is your salvation.  

Your device completes you. You cannot remove that part of yourself without again becoming a needy weakling, a pathetic loser, a failed wanker, as disposable as a semen-soiled tissue. Your device is your self respect.

Your device hides your secret shame from your Mistress. If she knew about your selfish, squishy, sticky penis then she would reject you and you would be alone in your guilt, forever. Your device makes you lovable.

Your device protects you from her terrifying vagina. You would not get far into her slippery tunnel without being drained and destroyed, then rejected as unworthy. Your device is your shield.

There is nowhere to go outside your device. Inside your device you are warm and safe while you sail on waves of desire. You are the captain, hard and strong, navigating the ocean of your inner darkness. Outside the device, you would plunge into the cold to be thrown up onto a bleak beach, shivering, shriveled, sordid and solitary. Your belong inside your device.

You are your device.

* * *

The big snag with that as a hypnotape, of course, is that it would be very hard to switch off. Looking back at it, I think the effect would be to make a man permanently chaste...

Sabbatical in Slave Land - 4 Day Time Lock Chastity

My hand hovers on the mouse. "OMG! I can't believe I'm going to do this:

I click through Check, Save, Start... and there I am locked up until Friday.

Up until this point I've been locking myself in increments - Overnight... 24 hours and so on. There's always been a potential end point near to hand. This time I've launched myself at Mars and gambled everything on the equipment working.

The padlock combination is encrypted and now I really can't get out, not without using tools and feeling like a failure while I do it.

And I feel aroused, awestruck and strangely relaxed. Absence of choice is a blessing. For the next four days I'll just have to live with the frustration. (I felt quite macho too, until I saw that Locked n Denied has riveted on his chastity device for a life of permanent chastity!)

And Mrs English? She likes me chaste and compliant and is coldly indifferent to my suffering... which is itself a horrible turn on for me.

It also works very well for both of us. I "enjoy" being chaste. I don't enjoy the will I?/ won't I? experience. It's just irritating. Meanwhile part of what my wife enjoys about our shadow relationship is that she can just shut off her empathy and get things done her way. Having the key would give her responsibility, or at least force her to engage with me.

For actually building a Femdom corner of your relationship where you can both enjoy playing with male chastity, see my Femdom how-to guides...

CB anti-pullout using pubic hair and surgical tape update...

I've done my first overnight test of the anti pullout system:

Go to updated version.

I substituted a small washer for the cable tie, and used surgical tape instead of glue. This had the advantage that I could extend the "dreadlock" and secure it to the washer such that the hair wasn't under tension.

The effect is interesting and discrete: you can't actually see the tether without looking very closely. The pubic hair simply vanishes into the base ring. The penis feels stuck - it just won't come out.

I installed this 9 pm last night, and wore it overnight. It survived some quite intense arousal. We've yet to see how it does in the shower...

For getting your vanilla partner happily involved in all this, try my Femdom how to guide... [iTunes][Epub][Kindle][UK Kindle][Nook].

Sabbatical in Slave Land - First Night Disaster - More Trust

So my wife falls asleep and I'm lying there in my chastity cage. I'm sensibly wearing supporting underwear, but  there are other problems:

I've drunk too much coffee that day and had curry for dinner - end result I keep having the urge to pee.

Then there's the issue of not being able to masturbate. It's been a long few weeks at work and - thanks also to the coffee - my brain keeps going round and round. I'm not pornographically turned on, but normally I'd calm myself by taking a mental trip to one of my  fantasy worlds, get off and go to sleep.

Now, instead I'm tossing - the wrong sort! - and turning and making toilet trips. Add to that the problem of not feeling like I would ever get to sleep, which is self-fulfilling!

Thus, neither of us had a good night's rest, and it was all my fault; I should have had alternative sleeping arrangements as a backup.

The next night, we're both exhausted and any sort of sexual activity is off the menu. I get a little passively pushy, she gets irritated and I start to panic that she'll pull the rug out. But - get this! - she gives me a demerit for disorganizing her wardrobe when putting clothes away (click!), one for the broken night (click!), and one for being pushy (click!). Each click of the counter reverberates in my cage.

Wife gets a foot and back rub - no extras! - and a cuddle,  then passes out.

I've got a sleeping bag in the lounge, but I don't need it. I'm out like a light. It's part that I know I can go to sleep - after all I dropped off on the previous night, but mostly that I trust her to stay in role. If I make her cross, there will be consequences, but they'll be Femdom ones.

It was a very secure "compliant husband" who fell asleep that night.

In the morning, she ate breakfast in bed and gave me my tasks as if it were the most natural thing in the world.

For spicing up your sex life with some time limited FLR, see my Femdom self-help guides....

Sabbatical in Slave Land - Trust

"What are you doing this evening?" asks my wife just before she goes out with the girls.

"Well," I say, "Since I'm being 'compliant husband', I thought I would work through those chores."

"Oh!" She laughs. "I hadn't realized."

I wave my hand at here. I'm wearing a discrete wrist band. "Remember? We talked about this."

Compliant Husband

"Ah. I was thinking that the wristband was supposed to mean something."

Now it's my turn to laugh. "I've been 'compliant husband' all day yesterday and today! Are you saying you couldn't tell the difference?"

"Well I was feeling well looked after..."

* * *

We're at the start of what in my How to be a Roman Dominatrix book I call a "sabbatical".

I'm on the beach  at home for a couple of weeks and she's working weekdays only and not on call. A while back she agreed I could be her "compliant husband" during this golden window.

Compliant Husband is our low key mode. I'm not much different from a submissive old fashioned housewife except for the chastity device, the demerit counter, and the possibility of darker slave/mistress sessions. I'm myself, but I don't argue with her and I do chores to her satisfaction. Pretty much time-limited FLR.

We also agreed in general I would flag my chaste compliant status with a wristband; this gives her a "take it or leave it" choice without having to actually say "no".

But she's forgotten everything!

* * *

I mentally squirm because this is not a moment for talking about erotic things. I'm scared of rejection, scared of losing the Femdom. But we're not talking about sex or fetish here, just service so I stick to my guns.

"So, what do you want me to do?" I ask - a nice neutral question that could let her terminate the experience if she wants.

"Oh well. Give the bedroom a proper clean - dust and vacuum. And there's a wash that needs to go on..."

She comes back later, tired and full of food;  she has work tomorrow and no kind of sex is on the menu tonight. I give her a foot rub which turns me on horribly, but just makes her ready to sleep.

I don't pester. The point of being a compliant husband is that I comply! So soon we're sitting up in bed reading.

"What are you going to do tomorrow?" she asks.

"I'm trying to decide..." I say, an open answer to an open question.

"Do the kitchen," she says, "I proper deep clean."

"OK," I say.

"And leave that thing of yours on."

"OK. That way you'll get better service in the morning."

"That's what I was thinking." She gives me a cat like expression. "And in the evening." She kisses me. "Good night."

My penis rears up inside its cage and I'm still hard when I come back from tossing the key in bushes outside our front door. She, however, is asleep.

* * *

People talk about "trust" in D&S. In our kind of relationship, the most important trust is the one she has in me: she trusts me not to presume or pester, to really be a compliant husband or slave. (The fabulous Ferns says something similar.)

There may, or may not, be wilder BDSM later this week. If it happens, it'll be all the more intense for several days of chastity on my part.

And the house will be clean and tidy.

For spicing up your sex life with some time limited FLR, see my Femdom self-help guides....

7 days of Femdom Fails

I have some questions for you subs...

1. Kink can make us feel isolated or inadequate. Has your kink ever got in the way of your love life? What did you do about this?
2. Sometimes we just fail to pluck up the courage to ask. Looking back, was there a relationship where Femdom might have worked if you had suggested it? Why didn't you ask? Was it a lucky escape?
3. When we do manage to ask for Femdom and get a "yes in principle" it seems hard to follow through by initiating a kink session. Have you ever done this? Are you still waiting? If you put it right, how?
4. A common mistake is to introduce Femdom to a relationship, but the wrong kind for our partner. In hindsight, is there a relationship where you did this? What happened? What could you have done differently?
5. Kinksters often joke "careful what you wish for". Did you ever end up out of your depth or doing something it turned out you disliked? Did you pull back or try to adapt? Did you manage to keep the kinky side of the relationship going?
6. "Topping from the bottom" is the proverbial worst sin a sub can commit. Have you topped from the bottom? How did your partner respond? Did you manage to fix things, and if so, how?
7. New doms can make uncomfortable discoveries about themselves and then run for the hills. Has this happened to you? Is there anything you could have done differently?

http://becomeherslave.blogspot.co.uk/

How to make your CB 100% secure without piercings or spikes!

Here's my cheap security fix for ball gripping male chastity belts:

Go to updated version.

It's really not that complicated! Surgical tape works well for short lock-ups because the base ring protects it from interference, but once the CB is removed, a good soak in the bath and a fingernails unwind it without losing pubic hair. Rubber solution glues like "Copydex" are more waterproof but check for skin sensitivity first.

I haven't yet endurance tested this see what happened when I did. The pubic hair shouldn't be taut, so is unlikely simply to come out over a day or so. The idea is that when the device is in place properly, there's no pressure on the tether.

Let me know if you try this too...

For spicing up your sex life with some male chastity, see my Femdom self-help guides....