Thursday, 1 August 2013

Sabbatical in Slave Land - Last Night - Truths; some vanilla, some uncomfortable

Tonight is our last sleepover in Slave Land. It's not quite been two weeks; ragged start and finish, and an interruption in the middle. Even so, it's the dynamic that's dominated our home life for most of this time.

"...most of this time has been low key,
undramatic and not particularly erotic.
Even so, I've felt deeply comfortable."
I've learned a lot of small but significant things about Xena, my wife. She needs to get out and about more than I do, and she really does enjoy switching off and being alone; all useful intelligence for vanilla life. I also know how she likes the housework done. When we go back to equal shares, there will be fewer arguments...

I've also learned some things about myself, not all of them comfortable.

I really am an extrovert - it's been agony going through this adventure and not being able discuss it, analyse it, talk about it! (This nearly ruined the entire adventure.) I also don't have a lot of preferences - most things in life I don't care one way or another. Perhaps that's why I'm so ill prepared for nuance and conflict.

I just don't like nuance! As a "complaint husband", I wanted to switch off and have Xena  tell me how to act, control the topic of conversation, specify the imtimacy.

The same goes for conflict. I needed the demerits. When I screw up, I don't like that open ended  feeling that everything might not be OK. Painful but specific punishment is better.

Those are probably the vanilla traits that make me submissive.

"I am a Submissive."

And that's the first uncomfortable truth I've known in theory for a while, but am now sure of; I am a Submissive.

I mean, it's not just a fantasy or a fetish. Given Xena has been working, most of this time has been low key, undramatic and not particularly erotic. Even so, I've felt deeply comfortable.

So it's who I am - not all of me, but in other circumstances I could easily have gone that way. I now fully get people who commit to a Female Led Relationship/Wife Led Marriage.

Then there's Chastity.

Sitting here now with less than 20 hours of chastity ahead, I have no desire to remove my device, no desire for an orgasm (it's only been 10 days, so that could easily change). Partly it's just the effects of a chastity device as a sex toy; I love the sensual feeling when I get turned on and suffer wave after wave of arousal. Mostly, however, I have some deep ambivalence about masculinity. The chastity device lets me escape that.

I am so comfortable with the role of chaste submissive that thinking about this fact makes me uncomfortable...

...and a little panicky, which is, of course, a turn on :)

There are  two or three articles left to write. In the mean time, check out my Femdom selfhelp guides; they might help you get a slice of this lifestyle...

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