|"...most of this time has been low key, |
undramatic and not particularly erotic.
Even so, I've felt deeply comfortable."
I've also learned some things about myself, not all of them comfortable.
I really am an extrovert - it's been agony going through this adventure and not being able discuss it, analyse it, talk about it! (This nearly ruined the entire adventure.) I also don't have a lot of preferences - most things in life I don't care one way or another. Perhaps that's why I'm so ill prepared for nuance and conflict.
I just don't like nuance! As a "complaint husband", I wanted to switch off and have Xena tell me how to act, control the topic of conversation, specify the imtimacy.
The same goes for conflict. I needed the demerits. When I screw up, I don't like that open ended feeling that everything might not be OK. Painful but specific punishment is better.
Those are probably the vanilla traits that make me submissive.
|"I am a Submissive."|
And that's the first uncomfortable truth I've known in theory for a while, but am now sure of; I am a Submissive.
I mean, it's not just a fantasy or a fetish. Given Xena has been working, most of this time has been low key, undramatic and not particularly erotic. Even so, I've felt deeply comfortable.
So it's who I am - not all of me, but in other circumstances I could easily have gone that way. I now fully get people who commit to a Female Led Relationship/Wife Led Marriage.
Then there's Chastity.
Sitting here now with less than 20 hours of chastity ahead, I have no desire to remove my device, no desire for an orgasm (it's only been 10 days, so that could easily change). Partly it's just the effects of a chastity device as a sex toy; I love the sensual feeling when I get turned on and suffer wave after wave of arousal. Mostly, however, I have some deep ambivalence about masculinity. The chastity device lets me escape that.
I am so comfortable with the role of chaste submissive that thinking about this fact makes me uncomfortable...
...and a little panicky, which is, of course, a turn on :)
There are two or three articles left to write. In the mean time, check out my Femdom selfhelp guides; they might help you get a slice of this lifestyle...