Friday, 9 August 2019

"My dominant didn't read my mind" - how to avoid accidental consent violations (no collar, no kink)

I keep seeing posts from inexperienced female subs, along the lines of:
"We were doing Consensual Non-Consent, but it got uncomfortable. I didn't safeword because I froze up. Now I feel traumatised. Was this abuse?"
If I were a maledom, I would find such posts mildly terrifying.

Yes, of course, feelings are real, trauma is real. Freezing up is a real thing.

But.

Unscripted BDSM is an adult extreme sport, thrilling but hazardous. Things are bound to go wrong.

The only certainty is that you will at some point get emotionally or physically hurt. Safe words are vital, but one of the hazards of BDSM is that you might discover you can't use yours. (Another hazard is the slippery slope.)

The only way a dominant can 100% avoid creating a distressing experience is if they are are always performing dominance, crafting an experience for the sub, never just being dominant.

It's unrealistic to expect a partner to break the taboo of being dominant and also reliably read non verbal cues that contradict the agreed context, and do so during an actual sexual act.

It's also unfair.

Why would a normal person want to enter a situation where they only find out whether or not they are an abuser after the event?

I think most of these couples set themselves up for the situation by wanting to move smoothly between vanilla and kink in the moment. Some of it is "not owning your kink", and some of it - I think - is a gendered problem; for whatever reasons, women tend to appreciate subtlety and nuance in communication, and men with a dominant streak like the idea of being able to grab what they want.

Unfortunately, there's not much room for nuance in BDSM, which is one of its main selling points. So, unless you are very robust indeed, you need some way of signalling which mode you are in.

Buy a collar that doesn't lock and have a rule: no collar, no kink.

This will enable each of you to ask for kink indirectly - you can just put the collar on, or he can ask you if you want to wear it, or one or the other of you can leave it out as a hint - and also signal when kink is over. It will also have the added benefit of affirming that you are being submissive, and not  a doormat.

Or don't, but then don't complain of there are tears before, during or after bedtime.

Learn how to how to walk the same Femdom path with your partner! 
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Thursday, 1 August 2019

Midweek Femdom: Last night, this morning

It's hard to blog at the moment. Here's why.

Last night, Xena had a report to read. I knelt at the end of the bed and mutely massaged her feet for an hour.

For those that have just tuned in, she keeps me in a Custom Chastity Saint. I was sealed for almost a year, then was released for a couple of weeks - I'm still processing that! - now I'm locked until a trip in a couple of weeks.

Honestly, she just wanted a foot rub while she worked. She was totally using me...

Which - plus she has nice feet - totally turned me on.

Then around midnight she beat me - I hadn't reached my daily wordcount. Sure, beating is a BDSM thing and turned me on. However, it hurt enough that today I'm typing like a lunatic. (I'm taking a break to write this otherwise my brain would explode.)

Finally, she banished me to my cell - her dressing room where I have a bedding roll amidst her boots and shoes. I closed the door but heard her rummaging in the toy drawer.

You see, the beating had also turned her on.

I had to lie there for half an hour, my buttocks smarting, my cock hard in its cage, while the vibrator buzzed in the next room. Then her light went off.

In the morning, I emerged to kneel on the floor until she wanted breakfast. Then coffee. She told me my tasks for the day, remind me about word count, and went off to work.

And that's pretty much routine for me.

Sure, the majority of the time we're just like any other couple, but that majority is pretty slim and distributed in the early evening. Every night at a minimum finds me kneeling on the floor waiting to be called to bed.

None of it is very epic, nor have there been any major high points... which is fine. This is as happy as I have ever been. I get more Femdom in a working week, than many subs my generation see in a lifetime.

Plus, it's real. 

None of it was scripted. The rules - the culture, if you like - of my slavery were negotiated. My wife can treat me like a slave if she treats me as a slave. I;m not a doormat, I'm a submissive. Within that framework,  she was pretty much suiting herself. 

Xena - an introvert - was peopled out, had work to do, wanted a foot rub, didn't want an audience when she masturbated, did want the bed to herself. It was as if the power relationship were real.

It turns me on just thinking about it. The snag is I can't wank and I have five more pages of erotica to write before she comes home...

Learn how to how to walk the same Femdom path with your partner! 
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Thursday, 4 July 2019

Ask Giles: Why does everybody say dominants have to be empathetic?

As you might guess, my response was basically because they are wrong!

Speaking as a life long sub, I think empathy is most emphatically not required.

The reason empathy is pitched as essential is that the BDSM community, especially online, tends to assume one style of D/s as the default: call it "Scene D/s".

In this, the dominant's primary role is to generate kinky experiences for the sub, and their dominance is expressed through the power to control the flow of kink. Dominants are earnestly advised to try being on the receiving end, and there are lots of classes to attend and skills to learn. The scene itself is often planned, and may play out collaboratively.

There's nothing wrong with Scene D/s. In fact it has a lot going for it. It's a robust approach when the players themselves may not themselves be robust, and especially so if you don't know them well. It can also generate some amazing highs and intimacy between couples.

However, I think this emphasis on play tends to frame the dominant as a service provider whose performance can be rated. It also creates the expectation that dominant women will behave like free alternatives to pro-dominants, putting some women off entirely, and creating annoying behaviour in malesubs.

Scene D/s also requires emotional labour, which makes it an unsustainable proposition for partners who don't have have a fetish, but would otherwise enjoy exploring their dominant streak - we see lots of questions along the lines of "My partner was into kink (which I introduced) but now they seem never to have time or energy" and the answer is always "Consider what's in it for them".

The alternative path, for which fewer soft skills are required, is to practice - call it - Actual D/s. 
In Actual D/s, the dominant does pretty much what they want (within hard limits and subject to safewords) and the sub takes the rough with the smooth. The dominant still has to be not evil or stupid, but they don't have to constantly monitor the sub's feelings or arousal. This approach requires the sub to be physically and emotionally robust, and is probably less than wise with a stranger.

As you can tell, I prefer this approach because it feels thrillingly real, and because I get a kick out of being on the wrong end of dark feeling and impulses.

One selling point for my mistress Xena is that she can take a break from using her empathy...

So the short answer is: because most discourse around BDSM assumes that it is collaborative play.


Learn how to how to walk the same Femdom path with your partner! 

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Saturday, 25 May 2019

Would I go to Chastity Planet? Would you?

Chastity Planet
I wonder how they're doing?

Does she like her new place?

Is he settling into his new life?

It's odd.

I completed Chastity Planet: Chaste Spring Break more than two weeks ago, but I can't get the hero and his... um... new partner... out of my head. (Sorry, I'm trying not to spoiler the story.)

He's not an authorial projection - honest! he's not me! - but he feels like a real person, and I feel as if I have experienced his adventures on Artemisia (my Femdom future pleasure planet).

And, to be honest, I envy him. He's having the youth I wish I could have had.

On Chastity Planet, the power exchange is real and unquestioned. Better yet, it's teeming with normal young women just there to have a good time, or to enjoy the serenity of a world in which males are second class citizens or slaves.

Would I go there now, for real? With Xena?

Get your ticket to Chastity Planet!
I'd love to be able to be out about our dynamic, would love to see her thrive in an all-female professional environment. I've also noticed that the more established her power over me, the more ruthless she becomes. Yes please!

Would I have gone back when I was young and single? To have no agency, no choice over who owned or used me?

Writing erotica has taught me that "straight malesub" is my orientation, perhaps even my gender.

I would have content spending a few years having no choice over who I served and serviced. I can think of no better memory to carry away than of long hours kneeling in the licking booths, or long months keeping house for my mistress, whoever she was.

I am phenomenally lucky to be married to Xena. However, I wish I'd been to Chastity Planet.

How about you? Would you do it for real?


CLICK HERE to download my Femdom Erotica (all written while chaste!)
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Tuesday, 21 May 2019

9 months of "permanent chastity" turns out to be FLR magic

"Go to your cell."
"Go to your cell, slave," says Xena, my wife of nearly a quarter of a century.

"Yes, mistress," I say, and scurry off into the dressing room. It's small and full of shoes and coats - smells of leather and woman - but there's room for a sleeping mat. What started off as a backstop for when I snored has ended up as an option whenever Xena wants the bed to herself - like this weekday night. I turn off the light and lie down.
 Service from an undemanding
chattel slave suits her.

I don't complain. I have my leather collar on, which means full stoic slave mode, no personality, no conversation. That also started as an occasional option. However, at the moment it's standard for the evenings - Xena has a big work project on, and doesn't have much social energy at the end of the day. Service from an undemanding chattel slave suits her.

Also, the fact she can do this to me turns me on horribly. I'm uncomfortably hard inside my Custom Chastity Saint, and have to arrange myself on my back.

Xena's light doesn't go off. There's a rummaging in drawers, then the buzz of a vibrator. Sated, she - apparently - falls asleep with the light on. I fall asleep eventually, and dream of Chastity Planet.

That was midweek.
(chaste dick pick behind the cut)

Monday, 20 May 2019

Confabulation and Crap Male Subs!

....all about receiving a service that
can be rated and
judged on excellence.
Confabulation is the concept I was looking for! The internal narrator constructs a story to make actions and feelings consistent with self image.

Confabulation explains much of where Femdom gets in a knot.

Crap male subs confabulate both ways. They reshape their self image to fit their masochism, telling themselves they must be the lowest of the low. Or else they reframe their masochism to match their self image as a strong empowered adult male and make Femdom all about all about receiving a service that can be rated and judged on excellence.

Dommes often seem to do similar. They can interpret their urges as meaning they must be a bad person. However, given a gazillion years of patriarchy telling them to be nice, it's more common that they take "good person" as a fixed point, and reframe domination as providing a service.

The reality is - probably - that Femdom is an orientation that exists independent of the morality and culture through which we express it. If the context were different, it would be the natural way of things, just as Maledom was once pretty much how sex was supposed to be.


Learn how to how to walk the same Femdom path with your partner! 

CLICK HERE to download my Femdom Erotica (all written while chaste!)
(For ebook format, 
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Wednesday, 10 April 2019

8 months into "permanent" chastity and everything looks different (or at least the past does)

"How long do you think I've been locked?" I ask.

"Oh," says Xena, yawning, "is it a year now."

My penis goes off like an airbag, filling its cage. "No... it's just been seven months." (This is about 3 weeks ago, as of the time of writing.)

"That's nice," says Xena. "Rub my feet."

And I do...

What gets me, what turns me on horribly and deliciously scares me, is that she's so blasé about it.

My wife is not remotely keeping count, nor is she particularly interested in milestones. The idea that it might be a year neither excites nor worries her. It didn't get her horny, nor did it she suddenly feel the need to check in with me.

The Custom Chastity devices were always darkly exciting because they made long term wear 24/7 plausible. The customised Saint was a step up because it removed all possible practical impediments. Putting it on was like getting a thrill by standing on the edge of a cliff looking down at a stormy ocean.  Xena, assured that I can swim in that ocean, has cheerfully pushed me in.

So now I'm nearly at the 8 month mark, and Xena is still treating my "permanent" chastity as if it were, well, permanent. A body modification. Or, perhaps, a move to a different city. Sure, we'll probably move again, but there's no hurry...

She has the same attitude to our FLR. We passed the five year mark last month. I got a "Well done. This still suits me too." and the conversation moved on. Clearly chaste, obedient Giles is just the natural and proper state of things for her.

However, despite her casualness about them, the milestones do seem to have one effect on her: she's become secure in her dominance. She just assumes I'll do as I'm told, gets irritated when I don't, and is totally ready to ply the cane on my rear on a nightly basis if required.

Where does this leave me? Happy with my sex life, for a start. For the first time ever, I don't have an alternative fantasy Giles running in the background. Repression takes energy.

Totally owning my submission, or being totally owned by it, has, however, forced me into an internal journey reassessing my past relationships and upbringing.

I keep coming back to a point made by Jillian Keenan (successful serious journalist and self-outed spanking fetishist) in Sex with Shakespeare:  Being spanked as a child was traumatic for her because she was already wired (by circulation and nerve endings) to be a spanking fetishist. Whereas other people might experience a spanking as violence, she experienced it as a sexual violation. She's not alone in this, so her message is "Don't spank children - it's a sex act."

So... I wasn't spanked. However, I did experience my family as "controlling" and tended to have (again) controlling girlfriends. I also grew up feeling that other people were judgemental and excluding. Going to school was about being bullied.

This picture quickly breaks down when you look closely at it.

My elder brother didn't give a shit and did his own thing, with no consequences. If he could, then why couldn't I? My controlling girlfriends... well I picked them. Some of them were really hot. Almost all of them pushed my buttons. There's a social rough and tumble to any community of young people - the crap flies around almost randomly. It only sticks if it you let it.

I was bullied at school, but I've heard far worse stories from people who seem far less damaged by it.

How about this narrative instead?

I was always submissive, which in turn made me both easy to dominate, and at the same time made being dominated a double violation - not in a sexual way, but rather because it made me experience powerless in the face of my own nature.

My family weren't controlling, I was easily controlled and resented that. My girlfriends tended to be dominant, but I liked them that way (though wouldn't admit it). Socially, my nature made me sensitive to being judged by other people, and unable to shrug off the usual young person stuff.

Bullying? Yes, that was real. Not just physical, but swatting and shunning and the whole works. However, what made it particularly damaging is that it made me experience powerlessness - something intimate and vulnerable for me - at the hands of horrid people.

Just like Jillian Keenan and her experience with spanking, it wasn't being controlled that made me a submissive, it was being submissive made me easy to control - and that experience of unjust powerlessness was damaging.

This insight makes me feel better about my past and the people in it. It also reassures me that my submission and masochism are not not just a way of erotcising past traumas, or evidence that I am stuck in them.

I wish this had happened to me ten years ago.

Learn how to how to walk the same Femdom path with your partner! 

CLICK HERE to download my Femdom Erotica (all written while chaste!)
(For ebook format, 
Lulu or iTunes.)