Friday, 18 January 2019

Were the Victorians Right About Masturbation? (I Haven't Wanked for For Six Months!)

I haven't masturbated since
last time we had sex - 6 months ago.
I haven't masturbated since last time we had sex - that was about 6 months ago. For those who've just tuned it, that's because I'm currently sealed in permanent chastity.

All this means that I find myself in the odd position of living the now-despised Victorian dream of abstinence from self pollution. 

Victorians had odd ideas about
If you read up on Victorian sexual attitudes you'll find they were clearly bonkers and often evil in their extreme attitude to masturbation, based as it was on pseudo science, with rubbish about "preserving the precious seed" and so on. 

And obviously, this was driven by dodgy entrepreneurs and sadists who wanted to sell you a "cure" or hack away at your privates or those of your offspring (in particular, some of the stories about cures for female masturbation are utterly horrifying).

And, if you pay attention to modern research, you'll see that porn in itself isn't actually a problem. Rational experts will tell you it can actually make you a better more pleasure seeking lover. If vanilla porn fosters unrealistic expectations, then that's more an issue with early sex education, not the material itself. 

Modern research shows porn
in itself isn't actually a problem. 
Even so, I'm feeling benefits in not being able to wank.

Some of them clearly derive from living the life I've fantasised about for so long, and would be the same if instead I'd suddenly come out as gay, or written that literary best seller and winning the Booker Prize. Living a fantasy double life is a waste of resources.

However, I'm starting to suspect that me just not being able to masturbate is a good thing.

Maybe the perhaps instinctive ambivalence about masturbation is grounded in the reality that it's a substitute activity. If it's your only adult source of sexual gratification, then you're not engaging with the real world, not the erotic possibilities, not the people, and perhaps even non-sexual activities that would better your lot. 

As it is, I now spend much less time online gathering images for my masturbation slideshows, and no longer waste hours tinkering with unfinishable erotica projects. I'm also fully engaged with the here and now with my wife. I work harder to keep the spark in our relationship, rather than letting things slide, and get more of an erotic kick out of our every intimacy.

(CS Lewis was kinky, btw)
I'm also aware that - ironically - if I hadn't had masturbation as an outlet, I would have lived out my fetish dreams far earlier!  

If your response to feeling horny is always to jerk off, rather than to seek or improve your sex life, then your life isn't going to improve. That's doubly true for fetishists, for whom the barrier to "doing it for real" is far higher than for more vanilla folk. 

So, though I think masturbation is itself a good thing, I think a lifestyle based around getting a private fetish fix off the internet is a bad thing. 

Or put it another way: imagine if the White Witch cursed as so that all malesubs wake up in inescapable chastity on their 21st birthday? The munches and clubs would be full...

So in a weird way, the more kinky you are, the more right the Victorians were about masturbation (while still being mostly wrong).

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Monday, 31 December 2018

How Permanent Chastity Has Freed Me! (Guess what? Being sexually repressed takes time and energy!)

"Our relationship has changed."
"Our relationship has changed", I say. It's last night. I'm rubbing Xena's feet after a long day socialising.

"How?" she asks.

"You feel more in charge," I say. "For real. Like you just take it for granted."

"Yes I do... do the instep... is that good or bad?"

My penis heaves against its bars. It's been more than four months now. "Good," I say. "I can't imagine it not being good."

OK, realistically, the permanent chastity is just permanent as in "that window is permanently nailed shut". I can't possibly be trapped like this forever. However, my submission is now permanent. A couple of years ago, Xena said she could't imagine living any other way, nor could I. Now, any remaining doubt has gone. This is how we both work best as people and as a couple.

This is good not just as in, "Hurrah I'm a submissive and I get to submit!" It's also very suddenly freed up a lot of mental real estate.

At the end of my journey.
It turns out being sexually repressed takes up time and energy. I've spent years pondering my sexuallity, fantasising through writing Femdom fiction and...

A lot of the BDSM and chastity activities I used to obsess over, were only important because they pointed to to 24/7/???? submission and chastity.

Waking in chastity.

Spending a week locked.

Spending 24 hours as a slave.

Being disciplined.

Suddenly it's all technically possible, emotionally practical, relationship-friendly.

And here I am at the end of my journey.

I'm living my fantasy.

There's nothing left to think about. And no more stories I need to tell.

I've gone from "what if somebody got trapped in chaste submission" to "what if somebody ended up in my situation?" I don't need to explore my kink through fiction or blogging because I'm exploring all the doable stuff in real life.

That doesn't mean I'm giving up erotica, just that it's suddenly less important to me. There are still otherwise inaccessible places erotica can take me. However, I can now be fully Giles just by being alive. I don't need a fantasy life any more.

It doesn't even matter that porno tumblr has gone. My main activity there was to build a masturbation play list - actually, tumbview will still serve up a nice slideshow! - but masturbation is off the cards.
What can't escape is the memories I'm building. 

So, I'm in chains, but - thus - my mind is free.

What can't escape is the memories I'm building.

Like last night, when Xena had me put on nipple clips and kneel in the corner and while she used the vibrator. After a while she let me put my head under the covers to watch, then insert my fingers.

Her vagina rippled around my digits like a devouring monster. My poor lost cock hammered like a second heart while my nipples added two points of pain to make a triangle of exquisite sensation.

Then she had me put away the sex toys and come to bed.

I lay there in the dark with her asleep beside me. Every time I closed my eyes, I saw the vibrator nuzzling her pussy.

And I can see it now.

It's going to be an interesting chaste year....

Learn how to how to walk the same Femdom path with your partner! 

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Wednesday, 12 December 2018

How many men are locked in chastity? More statistics (Still permanently locked, by the way)

Earlier I guesstimated 1 in 400 men in the developed world have male chastity as part of their lifestyle.

Somebody over on Chastity Mansion quoted a rumour that AL Enterprises had passed 1 million sales a while back.

Grinding the statistics:
  • Male population of developed world 500 million
  • AL Enterprise devices sold 1 million
  • Men owning AL Enterprise device, 1 in 500.
Also, if 10% of men are active malesubs:
  • Male subs owning an AL Enterprise device, 1 in 50.
I think anybody buying a device costing more than USD 100 wants it as part of their lifestyle, so this 1 in 500 seems very close to my original guesstimate of 1 in 400 men are locked.

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Thursday, 29 November 2018

A Spat Ends in Discipline: Commitment trumps Consent in a Female Led Relationship

"Wah wah wah! Go cry in the corner!
"Wah wah wah!" mocks Xena, angry. "Go cry in the corner! Go on, kneel facing the corner for five minutes."

We've been having what we Brits call "a row", otherwise "a spat".

I've been feeling neglected because her work has taken first place in the last few months. She hasn't disciplined me for weeks, which takes the adventure out of chores, and also means we haven't really been intimate. This evening it spilled over into me ranting at her, despite still being sealed into my chastity device after over 100 days.

It really is an argument. We're both cross with each other, voices raised.

But I can't disobey her. "Yes, mistress."
Fifty lashes... I'm near
tears by the end of it.

I don't mean I'm afraid to disobey her. It's just not in my lexicon.

I kneel in the corner for five minutes while she finishes her report.

Then she has me tie myself up and she whips me - fifty lashes for the fifty demerits I've racked up. I'm near tears by the end of it.

After that, it's back in the corner and I have to listen to her vibrators buzz, my poor caged cock up throbbing forlornly in its device. After more than 100 days of chastity, this is exquisite torment.

Then she has me rub her feet and we curl up together. My hopeless arousal causes her some delight.

"OK, you really are in charge," I say, aware that things have changed between us.

I have to listen to her vibrators buzz...
"Of course," she responds. "And you need to be more detail-orientated over the house."

"I will if you are too," I say.

"You can rely on that," she says. "Good night. I love you."

And she falls asleep leaving me locked and hard, with a smarting back, both deliciously afraid and contentedly secure.

This is the only kind of relationship
she can imagine.
Round about now, the Consent Police turn up:

Where were all the negotiations? 
Where were the check-ins? 
Are my needs being met?

The problem is that BDSM consent culture is designed around couple play, and play dates between equals: temporary power exchanges.

However, in a lifestyle relationship, consent and commitment are hopelessly tangled, and the dynamic takes on a life of its own, evolving to permeate the relationship.

It's been nearly a hundred days since she had me seal myself in my chastity device. It was my idea of a fun adventure, but she's taken it and run with it. I expected to be locked for a couple of months max, now she's talking about unlocking in time for a holiday next August.

Similarly, we've been in an FLR for four years. Again, it was my idea of a way to make chores fun - I'm mostly a house husband - and generate some kink. It was also supposed to be an adventure lasting a few months, renewed by mutual consent. Now she's told me that this is the only kind of relationship she can imagine, and - well you can see above - she wields her power when it suits her, not just in erotic contexts.

 Any discomfort with our lot
pings our masochism.
Consent once given is hard to withdraw, let alone withhold if the dominant pushes the scope.

Most obviously, we subs are initially afraid the kink might go away, then go on to lose perspective. Meanwhile, any discomfort with our lot pings our masochism.

However, there's this other thing: you just cannot unilaterally make fundamental changes to your relationship.

A concept kinksters don't talk about so much: commitment.

Relationships are built on commitments.

The most obvious vanilla example is the commitment to fidelity. You can't just declare your relationship to be open or poly, or that you are going to sleep around.

I'm trapped and I like it.
In an exclusive marriage, your partner doesn't coerce you into fidelity. Rather, fidelity is a component of your relationship. Yes, you can "withdraw consent" for fidelity, but your partner may then reasonably withdraw consent to continue the relationship.

So it is with power exchange in our Female Led Relationship. I'm committed to submitting to Xena, and I can't imagine how our relationship would work without that.

In other words, as long as I love my wife, withdrawing consent to the dynamic is no longer really a relationship option. I'm trapped, and I like it.

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Tuesday, 27 November 2018

100 days of Living with Permanent Chastity

My wife is treating permanent chastity
as an indefinite relationship phase. 
Permanent chastity! This is nuts!

100 days on, I'm still sealed into my chastity device and Xena's talking about no need to unlock me until a flight in August(!).

So, no key, no emergency key.

No way out without messing around with hairdryers or very hot water.

And the worst - best? - of it is that my wife is treating permanent chastity as an indefinite relationship phase.

It's as if we just moved house, she's settled in and this is fine for now. Sure, we'll relocate again, but it's not on the cards right now. And moving house is not something you do on whim, right? She certainly can't be bothered with all the fuss, and she's in charge.

So, I'm not on tenterhooks wondering when she'll release me. Instead, I've just accepted that this is how things will be for a while, which I suppose is the difference between "permanent" and "open ended".

What's it like?

Day to day, the frustration isn't too bad. The balls aren't actually steam boilers. A couple of weeks in and you get as horny as you're going to get, and the frustration is like a little energising motor in your groin.

The frustration during sexy time... that's exquisite. A gorgeous feedback loop between panic and masochism.

Mentally, it's interesting.

On the one hand it confirms me in my submissive role. Locked means submissive, and I'm permanently locked. However, it's also actually healing. I can never pretend to be not submissive, never ignore that part of my identity. Even so, I'm still me.

It's also relaxing. Being irrevocably sealed in with no emergency key, shuts down all those wearing micro decisions, e.g. about whether to really go to a meeting locked. It also washes away any moral qualms - this is who I am.

Emotionally... emotionally it's nice. I've arrived at my logical destination, as low as I can go as a sub, and not only does Xena still want me, she also made this happen.

Because really, she did. Looking back over our entire relationship, especially the FLR, there's a pattern:
Me: Shall we make this temporary and limited kinky change to our relationship?
Xena: Oh god. Are you sure? I suppose so.
Me: Well that was fun.
Xena: What do you mean was? We're still doing it. Oh and I can't be bothered with these limits.
Me: Yes, mistress.
Originally, she was just looking to lock me up until mid October. I was the one who pushed the seal idea. Then, suddenly everything became open ended.

Careful what you wish for.
The same thing happened four years ago when I suggested trying demerits to real domestic targets, and she propelled us into an FLR, and years before that when we started doing female-focused Femdom, and she established chaste service as our standard dynamic.

So I am feeling utterly validated, totally myself, very frustrated in erotic moments, and as submissive as heck.

What about practical issues?

There aren't any. I can live pretty much as normal in this device other than being more cautious about using public urinals, and being careful not to let people bump my groin.

The it's the diabolical practicality of the Custom Chastity Saint that got me into this mess.

Careful what you wish for!

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Wednesday, 14 November 2018

The Truth About "Pathetic Small Dicks that Last Seconds" and Male Chastity?

She likes his small dick because it is non-intrusive
The chastity Internet is full of men with locked micro-dicks: "My wife said my man-clit was useless and might as well be locked away..."

And so on.

Up until this morning, I wrote all that off as wive's feeding their husbands' small penis humiliation fetish, or fantasists doing it for themselves while typing one-handed.

Then I read a thread on Chastity Mansion.

The original poster has a small dick and no staying power. He assumed his wife was using chastity as a kind of workaround: the other stuff was good enough that penis-in-vagina wasn't important.

However, it turned out that she likes his small dick because it is non-intrusive. Also, she likes him coming quickly because she enjoys the erotic power, but doesn't enjoy being pounded for too long - He suspects that his wife used to fake orgasm to get it over with. His wife does enjoys penetration from time to time, but mostly from fingers or small dildos, or a quick go with something much bigger.

And this made me think of our sex life, because that pretty much describes Xena.

 If you have a small penis,
perhaps that means she
might prefer no penis at all...
I don't have a particularly large penis. I do have - did use to have - good staying power, but Xena would generally want me to hurry up and come.

So what if the truth of hair-trigger micro penises in chastity were the other way around?

What if women who don't much like cock tend to pair off with men with small ones? Better yet, ones that don't last too long inside the vagina?

Wouldn't those same women be natural adopters of male chastity, not because his penis is small, because a locked cock is even better than a small penis, which is still an improvement on a large one.

So, if she chooses to be with you knowing that you have a small penis, perhaps that means she might prefer no penis at all...

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Tuesday, 30 October 2018

10 weeks of permanent chastity (and counting) - What IS going on with my wife?

"The weekend came and went and
I didn't unlock you.
"I'm a bit surprised that I'm still chaste," I say, wryly.

We're back from a weekend with relatives and I'm rubbing Xena's feet. It's mid October, and I've been sealed up in my Custom Chastity Saint for more than two months.

My wife looks up from her mobile phone. "Oh?"

"When we started this new arrangement, I suppose I expected you'd unlock me for the visit - you usually do... and that that would provide a natural break?"

I actually flush. I suppose I was looking for a bit of attention - some acknowledgement of my chastity marathon. Instead I catch myself actually pleading.

"Well it didn't," says Xena, sounding grumpy.

"But if you keep me locked for family visits, then there's no natural break until..." I frown. There really isn't one.

"Enough, Giles!" snaps Xena. She puts down her phone. "The weekend came and went and I didn't unlock you. DEAL WITH IT!"

She really does sound angry.

I blush. "Yes, mistress,"

This isn't a kink argument, I realise, this is a relationship argument. And our relationship has changed.

The feeling... it's like, when you were young, did you ever go solo travelling and step off a plane into a foreign country where the air felt new, and everybody was a stranger, and the local laws and customs are different and dangerous?

I'm genuinely scared, but I'm also horribly, horribly turned on. So much some I feel that one word of sexy gloating from her would set me off and I would squirt everywhere...

But the word doesn't come.

My wife reaches for her kindle. "Now get back to rubbing my feet."

And I do.

I'm not sure what I expected from "permanent" chastity, other than a grand adventure. I was too realistic to expect it to turn our sex life into a wall-to-wall porno BDSM romp: Xena's busy at work, there's only so much time and energy. Outside the protocol, we've settled into a sexual pattern of about twice a month - better than some middle aged couples, one hell of a lot kinkier than most.

I suppose I did have the general idea that she would stop to gloat over my plight. And, from time to time, she does. However, she gloats over my plight Right Now, not the length of time locked up, not the possibility of release.

My wife likes to know I'm frustrated, but doesn't want to be reminded that my penis has ever been, or can ever be free.

Naturally, the permanent chastity started as my idea. She'd suggested a long lockup using the timer, I - nervously - asked to live out the fantasy. Supposedly, the main benefit for her was no more lock/unlock decisions: she was glad to escape the responsibility.

At the time I wondered:
Will Xena let me out in October?
One of the things she likes about Femdom and FLR is that she can have her relationship nailed down the way she likes it, and then not have to keep track. Also, she prefers not to make decisions, and she doesn't like a fuss.
Well, obviously, she didn't. 

"Well done for breaking your record... I wonder how long you can go?"
"I thought you were uninterested in setting records."
"I'm not. But I might also become uninterested in letting you out."
Well that's certainly happened.

And also, I took the hint, and agreed to stop reporting time locked. Me being locked became the default state.

So what is going on with her?

First and foremost, this new chastity device has removed all practical limits. Xena just assumes that it's OK to keep me locked. There are no health risks, and no realistic chance of discovery. She's stopped second guessing. Xena says she doesn't introspect around sex, so in a way that's explanation enough: there are no longer any brakes on her whim.

However: what is behind the whim?

At first, it just looked like a delicious mixture of laziness and sadism. She wanted to park me sexually during a busy time at work, she couldn't be bothered with all those lock/unlock decisions anyway. And she likes me being frustrated and impotent to get off.

It's as if me being unlocked would
take something away from who she is.
However, I can't believe she didn't make a positive decision to keep me locked during our weekend with relatives. Up until this moment, she would have been deeply uncomfortable with crossing the streams and having me secretly chaste around her elderly aunts.

Then there's her angry reaction when I seemed to be tiptoeing around the idea that she might release me. "Deal with it!" she said, perfectly aware that there's an "it" to deal with, but also certain that it was a done deal.

And there's this other thing.

In the last few weeks, she's become more comfortably dominant. I don't mean that she's taken to strutting around in thigh highs; rather the total opposite. It's as if the power exchange has become invisible to her, and her being in charge is just natural. I realise now that before, there was always a sense of her switching into "in charge mode". Now she is just in charge.

You could in fact say that her behaviour in the relationship has become more traditionally masculine.

All this makes me think that there's something odd going on to do with gender: my practical lack of a penis seems to have become part of my wife's identity.

It's as if me being unlocked would take something away from who she is.

I'm really no longer sure where this is going. Presumably she can't keep me locked indefinitely...

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