What happened next: Femdom tease and denial like never before

 "It's just I need ten minutes alone in the
bedroom... that phone call turned me on."
Find out how to get some of this in your life!

After the amazing phone tease, my supposedly vanilla wife arrives home, checks her mail then comes into the kitchen, "How long will food be?"

"I was just waiting for you before doing the last bit," I say, ever the compliant husband.

"Oh," says Xena with a girlish squirm that doesn't quite suite her business clothes. "It's just I need ten minutes alone in the bedroom... that phone call turned me on."

"I could come and help you..." I say.

"Hmmmm."

"I can't think of  anything more frustrating," I add hurriedly. "And then I'd have to cook the meal while trying to to think about it."

Five minutes later, I'm kneeling at the foot of the bed naked except for my chastity device.

This time she's wearing the shoes as well.
Find out how to get some of this in your life!

Xena is sitting on the duvet -- not hiding under the covers -- half naked, legs splayed, vibrator circling her clit and labia.

Soon my whole plastic-sheathed groin is rising and falling in time to each buzzing orbit. There's nowhere for the lust to go. My eyes water. A couple of times I find myself squinting or even looking away.

And then she's done.

"Clean this," she says, handing me the vibrator. "Then cook."

Though dizzy with lust,  I do manage to cook. We chat over the meal, watch TV while I rub her feet... as the credits roll I say, "You mentioned demerits."

"Yes," says the woman whose feet I've been so lovingly massaging. "Go prepare yourself."

I hurry to the bedroom and strap myself over the bed. The velcro cuffs have a velvet lining. The duvet is soft under my body. Given how hard I've been working, this is the most comfortable I've been all day!

Me? I sleep eventually.
Find out how to get some of this in your life!

Then Xena strides in, slips into those shoes and proceeds to beat me. It's not just the ten or demerits, it's a few strokes for a warm up and a finale with Fred Norman's flogger, wielded with such ferocity it lands like a half dozen spankings.

Still wearing the shoes, she orders me to clear up the punishment apparatus, then I kneel at the foot of the bed.

Welts still clawing at my skin, I kneel and watch as she pleasures herself again. This time she's wearing the shoes as well.

Buy the ultimate vanilla-to-femdom

how-to book right now!

[iTunes][Epub][Kindle][UK Kindle][Nook] [PDF]

It goes on for ever.

It's like being stuck in one of those animated porn gifs; the vibrator goes round and round, and my groin gets tighter and tighter.

At last her hand begins to blur quiver, breathing quicken and she's done. "Clean this."

Then she reads for an hour while I massage her feet and legs, my gaze fixed on her pussy.

Then she goes to sleep.

Me? I sleep eventually.

The next morning it turns out that each of her four orgasms this week have cost me an extra day of chastity. I expected to be allowed a private orgasm on Monday. Now it's next Friday, and the weekend hasn't even started.

---

Don't resign yourself to just getting off on other people's adventures! When we started out, my wife was vanilla. Use my manuals to help you walk the same Femdom path! There's one for him, and one for her. 

Sex and Housework Study: But Femdom!

...how is it that deep cleaning the kitchen, waiting on Xena hand 
and foot, then providing a massage, all while wearing a neutering 
chastity device, makes her receptive to oral service? 

So there's this sex and housework study and it shows that for husbands, not sharing chores is bad for your relationship, but doing "unmanly" things about the house is bad for your joint sex life.

The plausible explanations are differentiation (we don't fancy people like ourselves), gender scripts (women fancy manly men doing man stuff), and conflict (couples argue over shared chores.

Even so, Femdom, including Female Led Relationships, seems to lead to more rather than less sexual activity. How come?

Is it just that BDSM couples have more sex anyway? Either because they have a higher sex drive, or making a hobby out of it keeps it fresh?

Could be.

However, any sort of Domination and Submission tackles the differentiation issue since it divides the couple into clearly defined roles. If the D&S stretches to Domestic Service, then it also resolves--at least temporarily--the conflict issue since the dom gets the work done to his or her standards.

It's on the issue of gender scripts that Maledom and Femdom part company. Maledom, obviously, wallows in a very old gender script, which perhaps explains why it is so possible in vanillaized form in Romantic Fiction.

Femdom, especially the service-oriented flavor favored by vanilla dominatrices, utterly violates the gender scripts.

...could it be that FLR is as
natural as MLR?

For example, how is it that deep cleaning the kitchen, waiting on Xena hand and foot, then providing a massage, all while wearing a neutering chastity device, makes her receptive to oral service?

It's not kink. Like many of the wives of fellow Femdom bloggers, Xena isn't particularly kinky (though I suspect she enjoys beating me at times). For her, a fresh cup of tea is just a fresh cup of tea; there's no particular buzz being served by  a slave any more than by a waiter.

That leaves two interesting possibilities:

First, subs like me are really slipping in as masturbation aids. Our wives are receptive to us the way that they are to their vibrators or fingers.

Second--and this is one I am leaning towards--could it be that FLR is as natural as MLR?

Why not try one of my Femdom self help guides and find out?

Her Majesty's Plaything reviews "Getting Her to be a Vanilla Dominatrix"

I've been following Her Majesty's Plaything for ages. He's much harder core  - more Fet scene - than I am, or would want to be:

I have explored kink in the context of my personal relationships and have been known to frequent the occasional dungeon in my travels. My goal is to deeply explore my submissive sexuality and continue to nurture a D/s relationship with the love of my life; my wife of twenty two years.

But that's just down to personal taste and kink/rest-of-life balance. His philosophy is essentially the same as mine; his submission is about his partner, not him. He also doesn't pull his punches.

For this reason I was both thrilled and a little scared when he accepted a review copy of Getting Her to be a Vanilla Dominatrix, and then wrote a review! (If you've just tuned in, this book is all about how to get your vanilla partner to dominate you, and to enjoy doing it.)

He just posed his review of my Femdom manual:

[iTunes][Epub][Kindle][Nook]

He kicked off by discussing the perils of being a sub and went on to remark:

Flying in the face of... accepted wisdom Giles English proposes that our best chance of finding happiness is to explore Femdom with someone we love.

He goes on to give a very good summary of my book, and finally sums up:

...the idea is to base your Femdom explorations on qualities your lover already possesses rather than trying to build on something that isn't there. I agree with that approach and have [long ago] applied similar principles in my own relationship with Her Majesty to positive effect.

Given how very experienced and how widely-read this Femdom blogger is, I am both thrilled and relieved he approved of my manual!

If this piques your interest in my Femdom manual, take a look at the Amazon preview!

Male slaves! Be better than a hot bath and an episode of the Good Wife

Result!

Can Femdom ever be more compelling for her than regular love making?

If she's basically vanilla, probably not.

So don't try to compete with it. Instead, make your slave available on evenings when she's up for relaxing and pampering, but not really interested in penetrative sex.


Be better than a hot bath and an episode of the Good Wife.

For more advice on getting your wife or girlfriend to dominate you, take a look at my Femdom guide, now available for Nook.

Relationship Modes

These hardwired human relationship models that researchers have identified? I'm going to rechristen them so they make more sense within an actual relationship:

• LOVE MODE (was COMMUNAL SHARING): Share and share alike without keeping tally. Think a couple sharing a meal they cooked together. Any trading has to be like for like, with near simultaneous benefit. 
• AUTHORITY MODE (was AUTHORITY RANKING): One person in charge, the other does as they're told. Think "eat your greens, child!".
• FRIENDSHIP MODE (was EQUALITY MATCHING): Rough turn and turn about. Think, two friends taking it in turns to pick up the tab for coffee.
• CALCULATION MODE(was MARKET PRICING/RATIONAL LEGAL): Carefully calculated interactions. Think, you buy a meal in a cafe.

These all have their place in a day-to-day vanilla relationship.

Take chores.

Generally, we share the chores without thinking about it (Love Mode). Sometimes one of us is the expert and takes control, e.g. interior decorating (Authority Mode). At times, we explicitly trade chores, perhaps I do the kitchen and she does the living room (Friendship Mode). Only when things go wrong do we end up in Calculation Mode - "Hey - I spent two $%!***! hours in the kitchen while you gave the living room surfaces a quick wipe then retreated to the bath!"

Some things, like sex and intimacy, are supposed to belong only in one mode. Applying the wrong mode breaks a taboo. This partly explains why some couples have such a hard time getting Femdom off the ground.

The most important thing you need to know when trying to get your vanilla wife or girlfriend to dominate you

Or, why some men can  trade housework for Femdom, but you probably can't...

Some women want to win the "Battle
of the Sexes", but probably not your wife
or girlfriend (sorry)

I've been reading this book called "Better Angels" by Steven Pinker. It's all about the "civilising process", how humans have moved from being violent and slave owning to being liberal hippies, or something like that.

Obviously, I've been reading it because I'm always looking for ways to rewind the civilising process on a local basis, thus creating a violence-prone pocket of (female) slave owners :)

I got to page 626 and thwack! - there it was. Fiske's Relational Models.

No, no, please don't go to sleep. Give this  a moment. It really is valuable. I promise I'll try to boil it down to something more digestible, but not any time soon.

It turns out that humans in general are near-as-damn-it hard-wired to pigeon-hole relationships into just 4 models:

COMMUNAL SHARING: Share and share alike without keeping tally. Think a couple sharing a meal.
AUTHORITY RANKING: One person in charge, the other does as they're told. Think "eat your greens, child!".
EQUALITY MATCHING: Rough turn and turn about. Think, two friends taking it in turns to pick up the tab for coffee.
MARKET PRICING/RATIONAL LEGAL: Carefully calculated interactions. Think, you buy a meal in a cafe.

These models - his word, but think "modes" if you want - determine correct behaviour in any interaction:

You have to use the right model for the interaction. Using the wrong one gets you into trouble and moreover feels Just Plain Wrong.

For example, you don't offer to pay friends for the dinner party, order your friend to eat his greens, or compliment the restaurant staff on the fine meal and say they must come round to your apartment some time.

Some things are sacred.Offering cash for a dinner party invite is a faux pas. Offering cash for a night with your host's wife puts you beyond the pale.


(Sorry, all a bit dry. Go look at Femdom and flapper images for a moment, then come back... Better? Good.)


So how does Fiske's Relational Model Apply to Femdom?

So, you want your vanilla partner to dominate you.

First problem, even talking about your sexual relationshop violates the Communal Sharing model by trying to apply Market Pricing/Rational Legal. Whoops!

Oh, sure, we're all supposed to talk about our relationships, but that's because of decades of self help books and pop psychology reframing it as an act of love within the Communal Sharing model; Let's have better and more mutual sex, let's be more intimate, more sharing. As soon as you stray from the vanilla, you're straying from that prepared ground and a feeling of wrongness may pervade the conversation.

Next problem, you're trying  to shift things from Communal Sharing to Authority Ranking, which is usually a no-no.

Finally, it might seem all very rational to point out the practical benefits - "If I'm your slave, then I'll clean the apartment lots". However, that means you're trying to persuade your wife or girlfriend to use something sacred - sex, intimacy, emotion - in order to buy something practical, or offering something practical in return for something intimate... either way you're applying Market Pricing/Rational Legal to something sacred within Communal Sharing. Major no no.

Instead of Femdom, substitute "blow job" and you'll see what I mean: "Hey, honey, if you blow me more often and I'll spring clean the house and do the lawn."

Yes, I know. Slavery is something you want to do for her, and a BJ is the other way around. But both are acts of intimacy. Sorry.

Hang on, you said some men can trade housework for Femdom...

Some women, deep down, see relationships as adversarial, or at least an ongoing negotiation. It's the last throws of the Battle of the Sexes. They probably already use sex or its withholding to get what they want in the relationship. Come home from work with a bonus, and there's a bonus in the bedroom for you. Neglect that roof repair, and her headache lasts months.

That kind of relationship belongs in Equality Matching.

Not my cup of tea, but there's nothing wrong with that - it's how couples have operated since the Dawn of Time.

For all their apparent cynicism, Equality Matching relationships do have lots of advantages.

First, she has permission to be sexual - she may be quite conservative and need an excuse to let go.

Second, it makes (semi) explicit the things that happen anyway. If the roof repair is your responsibility, and you neglect it, well that's kind of selfish and hurtful. The sex is likely to dry up anyway.

So if he says, "Use sex to control me, it'll be fun", then she may gleefully seize on the advantage in the Battle of the Sexes, and have a choice to enjoy the game without having to admit that's what she's doing.

Women from a similar cultural or emotional background may also think, deep down, that the proper model for a relationship is Authority Ranking, with them in charge. If that's their underlying assumption, then there's at least a chance that they will want to be in control, for an evening or for much longer.

Unfortunately - or fortunately - the rest of us, especially the younger generations, don't think this way. We're obsessed with keeping our relationships within Communal Sharing and only have permission to go Market Pricing/Rational Legal in order to stay there.

So, what about the rest of us?

Most modern, educated Western women have a strong sense that their relationship should sit squarely within the Communal Sharing model. You can't tempt them out with supposed benefits because they like mutuality, and because it would Feel Wrong -  like offering a haddock a banana.

So, how the heck do you even approach the subject?

Well, as described in my Femdom how-to book, actually. (This new information only makes me more confident of what I've already suggested.)

The rules of the Communal Sharing model seem to be pretty much:

• Trade like for like
• Aim for near simultaneous benefits

Anything else feels... disingenuous and calculating, so reeks of the Market Pricing/Rational Legal model.

Go back to blow jobs as a reality check In the midst of sweaty sex, "Blow me and I'll lick you off," is not an out of place proposition, nor is the 69 position.

So, since Femdom is pretty obviously an erotic thing, start in the bedroom (and possibly expect to stay there). For each possible aspect of the shared experience, find matching benefits.

• Trade erotic for erotic - It will be erotic for you, and erotic for her. Don't suggest that Femdom will make you more loving, that's Erotic for Intimacy.
• Trade intimacy for intimacy -  Sharing a fantasy experience makes you mutually vulnerable and hence intimate. Don't suggest that she can use her power on you to force you to be intimate, that's Market Pricing/Rational Legal talk!
• Trade emotion for emotion - You will enjoy affectionately pampering her as much as she enjoys being affectionately pampered. Yes, giving her a 1 hour massage will probably turn you on unbearably, but you don't need to dwell on that.

For Service beyond the bedroom, you can still trade emotion for emotion. However, once she's comfortable with Femdom, you have the possibility of moving the interaction into Equality Matching:

• Trade practical things for practical things: For example, being a slave is mentally relaxing, so why doesn't she relax and let you serve her? Again, this will often or mostly be erotic for you, but there's no need to dwell on this.

I'm not saying lie, or manipulate. I'm just saying be appropriate. 

You wouldn't say, "Let's watch a chick flick with a bottle of wine so we can get in the mood for dirty sex later," so why approach Femdom any differently?

(For advice consistent with all this, take a look at my book, "The Vanilla Dominatrix or Getting Your Wife or Girlfriend to Sexually Dominate You".)

How to get your wife or girlfriend to dominate you - just ask!

Earlier I pointed out that subs are really very bad at following through - they ask to be sexually dominated, but then they don't produce the whips and the chains and say, "Is now a good moment for Femdom?"

However, some inexperienced subs are even worse. As Mistress Blaze puts it:

He is casually hinting around at the idea. Of course she won't take the bait

It's a repeat of that Nice Guy Dating Fail, where he hangs around loudly being her "Platonic friend" but all the time praying that he'll wear away her reistance and she'll just kind of drop into his lap.

Women don't work that way. Dating doesn't work that way.

Sex doesn't work that way.

Most of all; Kink doesn't work that way.

If you want her to dominate you, you have to ask for it directly. And then you have to follow through.

It's usually better to ask for something specific. Better yet, ask for a Femdom kink that fits who she is and extends her vanilla sexuallity.

My Femdom manual - The Vanilla Dominatrix or Getting Your Wife or Girlfriend
to Sexually Dominate You - goes into this in detail. However, if you're in a rush, try looking at the erotic things she does enjoy, and working out how bondage and devices and power exchange would make that better for her.

As many flavours of femdom as there are couples...

If he's wearing a chastity belt, then it's
still Femdom!

There's a nice reminder on Robert Anthony's blog that there are as many flavours of femdom as there are couples.

He and his wife have an ongoing chastity "game" - she decides when he gets to come and sometimes enjoys teasing and denying him. However - as far as I can gather - that's it. No whips and chains, no domestic service, not really any cringing either. He's not even in a chastity belt! Yes, the chastity - as he reports it, and I tend to believe him - works entirely on the honour system.

That's a lesson it's worth holding in the mind. You don't have to get your Femdom off the shelf, there's no one size fits all.

In fact, your fantasies are probably less important than the power exchange - the raw Femdom.

Don't believe me? Rewind a little.

Before you had relationships, and before you settled down, you probably had all sorts of ideas about the kind of relationship you would have.
And then, when you you fell in love for real, did much of that come true? I'll bet, not.

It takes both parties to build a relationship. The end result is bound to be different from the preconceptions each party brought with them. Some old ideas just don't fit, and some new ideas turn out to hit the spot.

The same goes for a Femdom slave-mistress relationship.

If she's being a dominatrix for her own pleasure, and not just "service topping", then her preferences just aren't going to be a perfect counterpart for yours, not least because some kinks require far more in effort  than she could possibly get out in pleasure.

Even if you feed in ideas... even if she treats your kinks as a kind of menu and adds none of her own... the end result is going to be hers, not yours.

If you've read my book on how to turn your wife or girlfriend into a dominatrix, then you'll know that I  don't think that's a bad thing.

There's a deliciously dark terror in submitting, really submitting, in letting go and becoming a real slave, albeit for an evening or a weekend.

How to turn your wife or girlfriend into a sadist...

Well, you can't. And if you could - if you could press a mind modification button to make it happen - you shouldn't. 

However, if you give her the opportunity to explore Femdom in the right way, then experience shows she may well discover a sadistic streak. I've just read a book by Steven Pinker that in briefly talking about sadism explains how this works:

When we experience something we don't like, we feel aversion. When the experience stops, we feel a buzz of relief.

The neat thing is that the aversion wears out, leaving us with an increasingly intense buzz. This is why some things are an acquired taste. Chili, for example, or bungee jumping.

Why the - call it - rebound buzz? Perhaps the aversion module temporally burns out, so the buzz is there by contrast, like when you hit the shower after a run. Perhaps it's some Darwinian thing - the buzz is a reward for persisting in something you don't enjoy.

It doesn't really matter. The point is that the rebound buzz happens at the animal level, is visceral and automatic.

So if your partner whips, first beats to spanks you, then at first she may feel a very human aversion to causing pain, but when she stops doing it, she gets a rebound buzz. After a while, the rebound buzz becomes more intense and the aversion fades away.

Congratulations, your wife or girlfriend now enjoys hurting you. That makes her a sadist.

But how do you get her to hit you in the first place? Use the techniques in my Femdom how-to book, The Vanilla Dominatrix. Pick activities you think she'll like, suggest them, and, with consent, follow through (for godssake) by setting them up.

If you do this - only introduce activities that offer her something - then the whip or hairbrush usually first appear as a means to an end of her liking: "Here's a whip. Feel free to use it to direct me as I make love to you/do the chores."

Steven Pinker calls this "Instrumental Violence", violence done as a way of getting something. It's something humans cheerfully use whenever they feel morally OK about it, not just in the dim distant past, or in 3rd-world hellholes and 1st-world crime zones, but also on the civilised sports field. This makes it the easy one to get her to do, especially if it demonstrably produces results she enjoys ("Lick faster!" THWACK!!!)

(from "he stoops to worhsip")

Now the taboo's broken, the way opens for two more delicious kinds of violence: "Dominance Violence", in which she strikes you to show she's in charge; and  "Revenge Violence", which extends this into retaliation for slights - in other words, if she's cross, she hits you.

As described in my book, once you've got all three kinds of violence going, you've arrived at that dark point where the Femdom corner of your relationship feels real.

If Steven Pinker's theories are right, it should be round about now that she also starts to enjoy beating you for it's own sake. You'd better have a good firewall in place...

Is it worth looking for the origins of a man's Femdom fantasies?

Like semen, fetish has a way of spreading over everything it touches.

Imagine an adolescent male who masturbates over bondage fantasies because he enjoys the sense of peril and the stretched sensation.

The imagination being what it is, he wraps a story around the fantasy to give it some context. Who would tie him up? A "traditional dominatrix"? Gradually he develops a fetish for latex ladies. Or has he been looking at too many Boris illustrations? Now chain mail bikinis are also his turn on.

What else would she make him do? A dungeon-full of props and activities become a turn on. At first they just point to the bondage fantasy. Soon they become fetishes in their own right.

Then, this lust-dripping fantasy world becomes a playground where he can work out his frustrations and issues. Possibly he has no idea how to get laid, let alone what it would be like. Even thinking about the terrifying process of courtship is stressful. How much easier to imagine the girls that he fancies as part of his femdom inner world.

If he's scared of women or ambivalent about his masculinity, then he'll invent scenarios that work around this... she's in charge, he doesn't get to come... The sense of release fuels the fetish. Some young women are easier to imagine as dominatrixes than others. The class bitch will get more than a few walk on roles.

Meanwhile, submission in its own right becomes a fetish, because it points to all this kinky goodness. However, the new fantasies grow from the submission fetish. "True" submission packs a panicky erotic punch and draws him away from fantasies where he is the centre of attention. The original bondage fantasy no longer fits, and quietly fades away. 
 Does the history of his Femdom fantasies matter?

I don't think so. It's simply not useful. For example, the man who was a boy in this tale wouldn't be particularly interested in playing bondage games, unless they obviously excited his partner.

It is, however, useful to be aware that fantasies colonise by association. Any "compromise" Femdom action he and his partner arrive at has a good chance of becoming erotically charged.

For example, suppose she's happy to boss him around, but only if she can wear what she likes; after all, she's supposed to be relaxing. He can have a day as her slave, but she's going to wear her old jogging pants and baggy T-shirt. At first this is a bit of a let down. Then two things happen...

He realises that her casual dress code reflects his total lack of power. She doesn't have to put on a show for him, doesn't have to look good, because she is totally in control. At the same time, he's getting all the slavery he wants, complete with service and (mild) beatings. She only has to put on the jogging pants to make him get hard.

Ancient Roman femdom

A million miles and 2000 years
from a fetish dominatrix...

So, what's so special about Roman women?

If you read forum Femdom advice, it's all about how he can persuade her to do this or that, or how she can make him feel something, usually "used", "objectified" or "denied".

If you're persuading and she's making you feel something, then it's all an illusion! For example, she can't be using and objectifying you, because in setting out to create that effect she is treating you as a person.

And another one; how can she become more dominant? If you're truly submitting, why would she need to be dominant?

There's nothing wrong with her setting out to create a kinky effect on you, but now we're in the territory of Femdom as service - fine if she's already kinky, or has the time an energy to be playful, but not so easy when she just wants to kick back and relax, or if she doesn't regard Femdom as a hobby.

It's also true that the reality is darker and more enticing than the game. Wouldn't it be nice to truly be used, objectified, or toyed with and tormented? To be a real slave, if only for a short time and with a safety net?

I decided to explore this in some erotica about Ancient Rome, where women really did own male slaves. However, what I found catapulted me into completing the femdom manual I'd been tinkering with.

In a nutshell, the Femdom fantasies were all true!

Some Roman women did casually use their male slaves as sex toys or lovers, and did keep them in male chastity belts called "thecas" or "seedpods". There's even good evidence for male prostitutes, presumably slaves, providing cunnilingus to female clients.

Real slavery is nasty and evil, but the Romans didn't see things that way. They took it for granted. So these all-using, all-objectifying Roman dominatrixes weren't kinky fetishists. Nor did they have to negotiate, or dress up in thigh boots and strut. They were just vanilla women who took for granted that they had power over a male slave.

..and yet capable of spreading their legs and ordering "lick"
without even thinking about the slave's reaction.

The women may have been vanilla, but the results were kinky!

Plenty of  accidental teasing and denial, permanent chastity, corporal punishment, objectification and worship. Better yet, the men - the slaves - didn't have to plead or nag for it.

Now, I'm sure many or most of those real slaves were utterly miserable. However, imagine if you had a chance to take one's place for a day...?

And that's what's important about the Roman slave mistress.

Her  power is real, she is utterly unselfconsciously self-centred in her dealings with her slave, and yet that genuine power relationship generates awesomely hot femdom action.

Better yet, she is actually prepared to pay for a slave - a far cry from modern wives and girlfriends having one foisted on them by drooling partners acting like double-glazing salesmen!

Despite being vanilla, the Roman mistress chooses to keep a male slave because her total power over him ensures that she can get what she wants and no more. The benefits far outweigh the inconvenience of managing a slave.

Wouldn't it be... interesting... to offer your partner the same sort of power, with the rider that if she wants you to act like a slave, then she must also treat you like one? That's what The Vanilla Dominatrix is all about.

UPDATE: I've also written a  book for female readers - How to be a Roman Dominatrix.

Why write a Femdom relationship book?

I am in  a relationship with a happy Femdom element. However, when I started down this road, I made a lot of mistakes. It took me ages to realise that they even were mistakes, to shed my sense of entitlement.

Hanging out on the Internet helped, and it didn't help. There's a lot of bad advice and one-handed typing out there. There are also too many one-size-fits all solutions.

While finding my own path, I've watched other people succeed, fail, and of course fantasise. I've also compared notes with kinky friends in real life, and online.

So, over the year, I've had the good fortune to work out how it's done, not just for myself, but for others.

By it, I mean authentic Femdom.

And by authentic Femdom, I mean a style of relationship where she really is in charge, getting what she wants and enjoying it too--

--and that's without you nagging, steal submitting, or manipulating your way to it.

The trick, I realised, is that there is no trick - just as there's no perfect chat up line. Stop telling her what she can do to make you her slave, and start working out what you as a slave can do for her.

It means giving up on a few fantasies that don't quite fit who you both are.

It also means accepting that Femdom mimics ancient evils, either patriachy inverted, or slavery. Rather than try to get around this by constructing a crumbling gynosupremicist philosophy, it's better to embrace that evil within a firewall.

Finally, it means accepting that this is a male fantasy, so the man has to do most of the work to make it happen.

So, I was never going to write a Uniquely Rika, focused on guiding a woman to take control 24/7. There's nothing wrong with FLR/WLM, but it's not for me, and nor is it a realistic outlet for most men with submissive urges.

Instead, I wanted to show submissive men how to sell themselves as part-time slaves to their wives or girlfriends, entirely on the vanilla benefits.

Really, it's fine if, for her, a back rub is just a back rub, or oral sex is just oral sex. The kink is in the way she gets it on demand, without consequences or obligations.

However, I still needed an angle. Something to hang the idea on.

And then I discovered something scary and fabulous about Ancient Roman ladies and their male slaves...