Monday, 31 October 2011

Is it worth looking for the origins of a man's Femdom fantasies?

Like semen, fetish has a way of spreading over everything it touches.

Imagine an adolescent male who masturbates over bondage fantasies because he enjoys the sense of peril and the stretched sensation.

The imagination being what it is, he wraps a story around the fantasy to give it some context. Who would tie him up? A "traditional dominatrix"? Gradually he develops a fetish for latex ladies. Or has he been looking at too many Boris illustrations? Now chain mail bikinis are also his turn on.

What else would she make him do? A dungeon-full of props and activities become a turn on. At first they just point to the bondage fantasy. Soon they become fetishes in their own right.

Then, this lust-dripping fantasy world becomes a playground where he can work out his frustrations and issues. Possibly he has no idea how to get laid, let alone what it would be like. Even thinking about the terrifying process of courtship is stressful. How much easier to imagine the girls that he fancies as part of his femdom inner world.

If he's scared of women or ambivalent about his masculinity, then he'll invent scenarios that work around this... she's in charge, he doesn't get to come... The sense of release fuels the fetish. Some young women are easier to imagine as dominatrixes than others. The class bitch will get more than a few walk on roles.

Meanwhile, submission in its own right becomes a fetish, because it points to all this kinky goodness. However, the new fantasies grow from the submission fetish. "True" submission packs a panicky erotic punch and draws him away from fantasies where he is the centre of attention. The original bondage fantasy no longer fits, and quietly fades away. 
 Does the history of his Femdom fantasies matter?

I don't think so. It's simply not useful. For example, the man who was a boy in this tale wouldn't be particularly interested in playing bondage games, unless they obviously excited his partner.

It is, however, useful to be aware that fantasies colonise by association. Any "compromise" Femdom action he and his partner arrive at has a good chance of becoming erotically charged.

For example, suppose she's happy to boss him around, but only if she can wear what she likes; after all, she's supposed to be relaxing. He can have a day as her slave, but she's going to wear her old jogging pants and baggy T-shirt. At first this is a bit of a let down. Then two things happen...

He realises that her casual dress code reflects his total lack of power. She doesn't have to put on a show for him, doesn't have to look good, because she is totally in control. At the same time, he's getting all the slavery he wants, complete with service and (mild) beatings. She only has to put on the jogging pants to make him get hard.


  1. Giles - Correct me if I'm wrong, but you seem to be saying that in the chronological evolution of the Femdom fantasy from a male's point of view -from adolescence to manhood - there comes a point where the original fantasies are superseded by the actual reality of the (hopefully) realized Femdom relationship. Thus, the ability of the male to fetishize the jogging pants in your example, and to be satisfied with that. Okay, I get it.

    Where you lose me is when you answer your own question....."Does the history of his Femdom fantasies matter?"


    "I don't think so. It's simply not useful. For example, the man who was a boy in this tale wouldn't be particularly interested in playing bondage games, unless they obviously excited his partner."

    That one gave me pause, as it just seems to me that he would still be very interested in playing bondage games, or any other games that were there as an adolescent. He has simply had to compromise when faced with his adult reality. What he really wants and what he's really getting are now two different things, not because he wants it that way, but because that's what he's going to have to accept.

    I don't think that negates his earlier leanings, it just forces those leanings to take a back seat. Yes, they're not doing him much good, but wouldn't you say that those leanings would leap to the fore if given a chance? How can you say that he wouldn't be interested in playing those games? Or am I missing your point?

  2. Rather, I've failed to make my point!

    I mean that the "now" matters more than the "why" or the "how (did he get to here)".

    Another sub might have started with slavery fantasies and ended up being more interested in T&D.

  3. Now you've gone and done it, Giles. Just think how many psychiatrists you've pissed off by saying:

    "I mean that the "now" matters more than the "why" or the "how (did he get to here)".

    Freud and Jung are turning over in their graves:)

    1. Yes, but we're only trying to get our BDSM goodness, not "fix" anything.

  4. Hi Giles,
    Glad to see that my comments are now making it through to your blog. I'll look forward to reading your blog in the future.



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