Ask Giles: What do you do if you have a row or spat while in chastity?

There are two aspects to this:

First, dynamic:

Worship isn't the same as "idealise". Nobody is perfect. Worship involves loving a whole person, and doing it from a submissive posture.

And, if you are (mostly) submissive to her in your relationship, it's still an actual relationship. Even the archetypal 50s housewife would put her foot down, push back against manly hubby. It doesn't change the underlying dynamic. FLR type dynamics - we're on the 6th year of ours - aren't day-to-day the same as 24/7 High Protocol relationships.

My experience is that when you're submitting in the bedroom, i.e. doing actual BDSM, in the context of a relationship, it stops being a game. You're submitting to the person, imperfections and all, and that's both hot and spiritually fulfilling: you're cross with her but you still have to do as you're told as if she really owned you... (This is probably dangerous heresy to some people, but it's where the undertow takes me, and it feels great.)

Second, chastity:

I think there's really two styles of chastity: keyholding and "neutering lite", in other words one is about dynamic, the other is about something akin gender identity. If you're drawn to long term chastity, then there's probably a bit of the second kind going on.

By way of illustration (not saying they are equivalent), you wouldn't stop being gay or trans or whatever just because you had a row with your partner; in the same way you need not stop being chaste.

Is Angry Femdom a Feminist Issue?

It came up again today on Reddit: Is it OK for a dominant to administer a whipping in anger?

In the particular case, it was probably a bad idea.

However, one of the replies summed up the BDSM "establishment view" and went a bit like this:

Whipping in anger is wrong because you are out of control, and showing lack of respect and compassion for the other person. All this makes it abusive.

The implication is that you can only whip somebody if you are dispassionate, respectful and nurturing, in other words, a service top.

This is bollocks disingenuous.

What's happening is that dominants want to think of themselves as good people, and submissives don't want to think of themselves as losers.

Kinksters want the experience, but they want to pretend it's not real, as if the monkey brain that turns us on has a grasp of context and ethics.

Service topping is OK, but there are only three authentic dominant motivations for hurting a submissive (as opposed to scratching their masochistic itch from a position of power):

Instrumental: To get what you want, usually by punishing non- compliance or failure.

Anger: Because you feel angry with them or with what they are.

Sadism: Because it gives you pleasure to inflict pain.

None of these is a nice motivation. That's the point. This is the dark side.

Despite the service assumption, sadism seems acceptable in most real world BDSM circles. However, can you be truly sure that your sadism is not tainted by... gasp... anger?

Can you be truly sure that your 

sadism is not tainted by... 

gasp... anger? 

Also, though there is debate about its efficacy, lifestyle BDSM people also use whippings as punishment. How can they be sure that their instrumental motivation is not mingled with irritation?

And is sadism really any safer than anger?

Aren't you actually more likely to get carried away if inflicting pain makes the blood rush from your brain to your genitals than if you are merely venting your anger, given that anger spends itself?

Oh dear!

The possibility of committing a thought crime! Better to attend a workshop on consent or do BDSM online than wield a whip if your motivations are not guaranteed 100% pure.

Your pardon if as a submissive this service culture leaves me cold.

I want to actually submit, not pretend-have-you-bean-a-naughty-boy submit.

I like it when Xena wields the whip in anger. It's not just the thrill of genuine fear, it's also the reassurance that our D/s relationship won't just fall apart when things go wrong between us.

And, if service top is the gold standard, what of dominants who have the urge to actually dominate with whip and flogger?

Homing in on Femdom, I think there's a feminist issue emerging:

Just as the Sexual Revolution mostly "freed" sexually active women to act like unpaid prostitutes, is the modern Kink Revolution in danger of "empowering" dominant women to act like unpaid pro-dommes?*

*Not of course that there's anything wrong with sex workers! 

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