Friday, 24 February 2012

The most important thing you need to know when trying to get your vanilla wife or girlfriend to dominate you

Or, why some men can  trade housework for Femdom, but you probably can't...

Some women want to win the "Battle
of the Sexes", but probably not your wife
or girlfriend (sorry)
I've been reading this book called "Better Angels" by Steven Pinker. It's all about the "civilising process", how humans have moved from being violent and slave owning to being liberal hippies, or something like that.

Obviously, I've been reading it because I'm always looking for ways to rewind the civilising process on a local basis, thus creating a violence-prone pocket of (female) slave owners :)

I got to page 626 and thwack! - there it was. Fiske's Relational Models.

No, no, please don't go to sleep. Give this  a moment. It really is valuable. I promise I'll try to boil it down to something more digestible, but not any time soon.

It turns out that humans in general are near-as-damn-it hard-wired to pigeon-hole relationships into just 4 models:

COMMUNAL SHARING: Share and share alike without keeping tally. Think a couple sharing a meal.
AUTHORITY RANKING: One person in charge, the other does as they're told. Think "eat your greens, child!".
EQUALITY MATCHING: Rough turn and turn about. Think, two friends taking it in turns to pick up the tab for coffee.
MARKET PRICING/RATIONAL LEGAL: Carefully calculated interactions. Think, you buy a meal in a cafe.

These models - his word, but think "modes" if you want - determine correct behaviour in any interaction:

You have to use the right model for the interaction. Using the wrong one gets you into trouble and moreover feels Just Plain Wrong.

For example, you don't offer to pay friends for the dinner party, order your friend to eat his greens, or compliment the restaurant staff on the fine meal and say they must come round to your apartment some time.

Some things are sacred.Offering cash for a dinner party invite is a faux pas. Offering cash for a night with your host's wife puts you beyond the pale.

(Sorry, all a bit dry. Go look at Femdom and flapper images for a moment, then come back... Better? Good.)

So how does Fiske's Relational Model Apply to Femdom?

So, you want your vanilla partner to dominate you.

First problem, even talking about your sexual relationshop violates the Communal Sharing model by trying to apply Market Pricing/Rational Legal. Whoops!

Oh, sure, we're all supposed to talk about our relationships, but that's because of decades of self help books and pop psychology reframing it as an act of love within the Communal Sharing model; Let's have better and more mutual sex, let's be more intimate, more sharing. As soon as you stray from the vanilla, you're straying from that prepared ground and a feeling of wrongness may pervade the conversation.

Next problem, you're trying  to shift things from Communal Sharing to Authority Ranking, which is usually a no-no.

Finally, it might seem all very rational to point out the practical benefits - "If I'm your slave, then I'll clean the apartment lots". However, that means you're trying to persuade your wife or girlfriend to use something sacred - sex, intimacy, emotion - in order to buy something practical, or offering something practical in return for something intimate... either way you're applying Market Pricing/Rational Legal to something sacred within Communal Sharing. Major no no.

Instead of Femdom, substitute "blow job" and you'll see what I mean: "Hey, honey, if you blow me more often and I'll spring clean the house and do the lawn."

Yes, I know. Slavery is something you want to do for her, and a BJ is the other way around. But both are acts of intimacy. Sorry.

Hang on, you said some men can trade housework for Femdom...

Some women, deep down, see relationships as adversarial, or at least an ongoing negotiation. It's the last throws of the Battle of the Sexes. They probably already use sex or its withholding to get what they want in the relationship. Come home from work with a bonus, and there's a bonus in the bedroom for you. Neglect that roof repair, and her headache lasts months.

That kind of relationship belongs in Equality Matching.

Not my cup of tea, but there's nothing wrong with that - it's how couples have operated since the Dawn of Time.

For all their apparent cynicism, Equality Matching relationships do have lots of advantages.

First, she has permission to be sexual - she may be quite conservative and need an excuse to let go.

Second, it makes (semi) explicit the things that happen anyway. If the roof repair is your responsibility, and you neglect it, well that's kind of selfish and hurtful. The sex is likely to dry up anyway.

So if he says, "Use sex to control me, it'll be fun", then she may gleefully seize on the advantage in the Battle of the Sexes, and have a choice to enjoy the game without having to admit that's what she's doing.

Women from a similar cultural or emotional background may also think, deep down, that the proper model for a relationship is Authority Ranking, with them in charge. If that's their underlying assumption, then there's at least a chance that they will want to be in control, for an evening or for much longer.

Unfortunately - or fortunately - the rest of us, especially the younger generations, don't think this way. We're obsessed with keeping our relationships within Communal Sharing and only have permission to go Market Pricing/Rational Legal in order to stay there.

So, what about the rest of us?

Most modern, educated Western women have a strong sense that their relationship should sit squarely within the Communal Sharing model. You can't tempt them out with supposed benefits because they like mutuality, and because it would Feel Wrong -  like offering a haddock a banana.

So, how the heck do you even approach the subject?

Well, as described in my Femdom how-to book, actually. (This new information only makes me more confident of what I've already suggested.)

The rules of the Communal Sharing model seem to be pretty much:
  • Trade like for like
  • Aim for near simultaneous benefits
Anything else feels... disingenuous and calculating, so reeks of the Market Pricing/Rational Legal model.

Go back to blow jobs as a reality check In the midst of sweaty sex, "Blow me and I'll lick you off," is not an out of place proposition, nor is the 69 position.

So, since Femdom is pretty obviously an erotic thing, start in the bedroom (and possibly expect to stay there). For each possible aspect of the shared experience, find matching benefits.
  • Trade erotic for erotic - It will be erotic for you, and erotic for her. Don't suggest that Femdom will make you more loving, that's Erotic for Intimacy.
  • Trade intimacy for intimacy -  Sharing a fantasy experience makes you mutually vulnerable and hence intimate. Don't suggest that she can use her power on you to force you to be intimate, that's Market Pricing/Rational Legal talk!
  • Trade emotion for emotion - You will enjoy affectionately pampering her as much as she enjoys being affectionately pampered. Yes, giving her a 1 hour massage will probably turn you on unbearably, but you don't need to dwell on that.
For Service beyond the bedroom, you can still trade emotion for emotion. However, once she's comfortable with Femdom, you have the possibility of moving the interaction into Equality Matching:
  • Trade practical things for practical things: For example, being a slave is mentally relaxing, so why doesn't she relax and let you serve her? Again, this will often or mostly be erotic for you, but there's no need to dwell on this.
I'm not saying lie, or manipulate. I'm just saying be appropriate

You wouldn't say, "Let's watch a chick flick with a bottle of wine so we can get in the mood for dirty sex later," so why approach Femdom any differently?

(For advice consistent with all this, take a look at my book, "The Vanilla Dominatrix or Getting Your Wife or Girlfriend to Sexually Dominate You".)


  1. It is old post. But... Finally, please get the example, it is not clear what you mean? Shell submen do home work? and, if yes, how to sell/change this work for femdom?

    1. Wow it is an old post. But still a useful one... I think.

      The short version is that the easiest trades are like for like.

      So, if you *want* to do domestic service, then it's best to approach it as: she gets to relax/you get to relax.

      If you want her to dominate you in the bedroom, then it's pleasure for pleasure.

      What you can't do is offer her domestic service in return for bedroom kink.


Tell me what you think!