Saturday, 4 April 2015

Our Female Led Relationship Contract line by line

Find out how to ask for this!
As promised, here's a line by line explanation of our Female Led Relationship contract. I read it out to Xena as she did her yoga. She was a bit "Oh god do we have to do it right now" at first, but as I read got into it.

The comments are going to make the format ugly, so I'll put in a read more break.

This contract reflects our evolving dynamic. The rules create effects that please Xena, but Giles is responsible for keeping track of them.
This has always been pretty obvious. She likes what happens, and the dynamic it creates, but doesn't want to keep track.

Our Female Led Relationship (FLR) remains in effect between milestones. The next milestones are September 2015 and September 2016, unless Xena judges that financial or work circumstances have changed.
This surprised me. When she said, "In six months, then a year," I wasn't sure whether she meant "a year from now", i.e. 6-monthly check-ins. But when I read this out and checked, she just said, "yes." I still find that a bit scary, but also a turn on.
Except in exceptional circumstances, we will solve any issues within the framework of the FLR. However, Xena may suspend elements for practical reasons.
I won't list them, but there are all sorts of reasons why we might need to put the FLR on hold, some pleasant, some less so. Otherwise, neither of us want to step outside the power relationship -- it just feels silly.
On reaching a milestone, Xena and Giles will decide together whether and how to continue.
Xena is quite sensible and wants us both to be happy. Mind you, these milestone are miles apart...

Core Female Led Relationship

Xena is the naturally dominant partner. We are both happy with this.

We will treat the FLR as real, indivisible, and routine, accepting any inconveniences as inevitable. Giles accepts that he will suffer mental and physical distress. In return, Xena will not reference that this is what he signed up for.

Xena controls all matters domestic and intimate with powers of discipline and reward. She can extend this as she sees fit. However, Giles will share the responsibilities of adult life.
I put all this in largely so I could read it out. It's important to me that we're both on the same page, and I don't want to be afraid of Xena turning round and saying, "I'm only doing this for you." 
Giles will serve honestly. Xena acknowledges that this high level of personal service is only available to her through the FLR and will try to praise, rather than thank. (Positive statements about having a slave are particularly effective.)
This one is important to me. I know it sounds silly, but when I go the extra mile as a slave, I don't want to be thanked. Apart from being embarrassing, I'd have to be a real doormat to do some of the stuff I do if I had a choice. I also don't want Xena to lose track of why she gets all and forget she still needs to do her part. Finally, praise rather than thanks builds up her dominance, and turns me on :)
The FLR is a secret. Giles may only discuss it with those friends who already know about his blog, unless otherwise instructed by Xena. Giles will avoid over-sharing with Xena, but may blog about his adventures.

I've never really talked about our FLR with my usual confidants. I suppose it's because they are more bottomish than subbish, and because what we are doing is rather extreme.


Giles will range from normal but compliant husband through to semi-mute slave when he will call Xena "Mistress”. He will try to anticipate Xena’s mood, however she will also tell him what she wants.
"Mistress" was Xena's idea :).
Xena can also trigger two modes:
  • Slave Mode (triggered by any command to silence), when Giles acts as a semi-mute slave, attending on her until dismissed. This mode normally continues until Xena orders him back to normal, or until she falls asleep. However, she can specify a duration of hours or days.
  • Sabbatical Mode, when Giles is subject to more intense management, e.g. during spring cleaning. This typically lasts several days. During this time, Giles's social activities are suspended and Orgasm Days deferred, but penalties still accrue (see below)
I put these in because we already do them. Naming them makes it easier for Xena to call them up, and - in case you hadn't noticed - I don't like nuance. Also, we discussed me spending a few days in deeper slavery, so this should help make that happen.

    Power and Responsibility

    Xena will suit herself, with no obligation to be fair or realistic. Sometimes she will do things for Giles's own good. Giles will obey to the best of his ability, using his initiative to provide help and advice as appropriate. In return, Xena will take ownership of the FLR, give clear instruction and administer discipline regularly.

    More same-page stuff really just to read out. This was also supposed to empower Xena and reassure her. 
    Giles will continue to honestly stick to the chastity rules. Xena will periodically question him about his compliance, typically before punishment.
    I've been feeling a bit neglected. Xena's a very literal person - think Anya from Buffy - and tends to regard something that's established as nailed down. This can leave me feeling that I'm really just indulging a private fetish. This should fix that.
    When he has measurable professional (e.g. word count) or personal objectives (e.g. weight loss), Giles will report these to negotiate targets and penalties.

    Xena may set long-term targets or tasks.
    These have worked well in the past, however....
    In addition to the demerit system, near the start of each month, Xena will hold a brief review, dealing with any issues in Giles's performance, checking up on his chastity, tasks and targets, and rewarding and/or punishing him accordingly. Giles will remind her.
    When Xena is busy, things can drift. Having a regular review should help me keep on track and also stop her from becoming gradually irritated by some general but minor failing of mine.

      Bedtime Ritual

      At bedtime, Giles will be clean, clean-shaven, chaste, and ready for bed. He will kneel patiently in the corner until Xena orders him otherwise, returning there between tasks.
      Good to have a moment of FLR/Femdom each and every day.
      If Xena falls asleep while Giles is kneeling, he may come to bed after a decent interval, unless erotic activity or punishment has taken place, in which case he may change position but must otherwise remain in the corner to sleep, unless it is too cold.
      This is a formalization of an ad hoc ruling by Xena. I put in the practicality riders so I would always know what do to. I like certainty!

      Domestic Matters

      Giles will do the bulk of the housekeeping to as high a standard as possible, consistent with professional commitments.

      In particular, Giles will finish those jobs he starts, maintain the bathrooms to a visitor-ready standard and keep the refrigerator etc stocked.

      Giles is responsible for maintenance of all sex toys.
      Standard FLR stuff.

      Discipline, Punishment and Rewards

      Xena may discipline Giles as she sees fit, consistent with the spirit of the mistress-slave relationship.
      Nothing meta or weird please! Sometimes Xena can be too clever.
      Xena may assign demerits for any reason and later apply one stroke per demerit. The whipping will be merciless; it will hurt and be a genuine deterrent. Giles will usually be restrained for this. There is no safeword. However, Xena will take seriously any safety feedback.

      I like living with the hazard of the whipping, but don't actually enjoy them, even though they turn me on afterward. So they are a long way from funishment.
      The bit about safewords and feedback is about as much consent as we do. This works for us because we're a relationship first, and both happy that she's the dominant partner. Call it consensual non consent. She gets the final word, but she still accepts feedback on safety, which she takes seriously, and wants me to be happy. My hard limits are well beyond her range of Femdom behavior, but if reached would trigger a relationship safety warning. Most importantly, I am blessed that I am mentally and physically robust, with no traumas or health issues.
      I think it's also important to make the distinction between violation and hazard. Stomping all over a hard limit is a violation. Being bored, frustrated or in pain is just a hazard.
      So if she whips me past the point where I really really wish it would stop, that's just too bad. I'm not sustaining any long term harm.
      A bit of pain won't kill me. I've also been on hill walks that went on too long, or where the weather turned against us, or I hurt my ankle... that's just what happens from time to time if you go hiking in the hills. And of course, negotiating the hazards of an FLR is exciting and life affirming. I rather enjoy the adventure.
      However, I will admit that my negotiating position is poor, but being both a submissive and a non-physical masochist, I rather like that.

      We will both treat the discipline system as real. Xena will administer whippings as regularly as practical. Giles may remind her.

      Xena may also grant Slave Points. These do not cancel out demerits. However, Giles may petition to trade these for perks, for example Xena wearing stockings during punishment.

      Business as usual. The slave points are good because they don't interfere with the discipline. Plus I think Xena likes the excuse to dress up sexily without the implication that she's doing it to please rather than reward.  

      Xena may also:
      • Defer Orgasm Days pending completion of a specific project to her satisfaction. Penalties still accrue during this time. 
      • Institute "lockdown" where Giles maximizes time spent chaste and does not remove the device for his Orgasm Days.
      She already had these powers. I added them to remind her she could do this. Subs are weird. 

        Intimate Matters and Orgasm Control

        Giles may not initiate erotic intimacy, but may remind Xena to set aside intimate time.

        Xena has control over Giles’s orgasms but will not normally be present when they happen.
        Standard FLR and orgasm control stuff. 
        Giles must wear a chastity device when on his own and at night. If the chastity device breaks, he will wear the backup in lockdown (see above) to avoid wearing it out, until a replacement is arranged.
        This makes an adventure out of a disaster and worked well before
        Unfortunately, things that sexually excite Giles defer his orgasm by days or weeks (see below). This ensures that the chastity is in sync with the intensity of the erotic relationship. Xena likes this system, but Giles is responsible for managing it.
        This is the point behind all the following rules to do with orgasm. If we had an arousal meter built into the chastity device we'd use them. Instead we have a system of tariffs. Xena doesn't care about the specifics. She just likes it that her pleasure detracts from mine... which turns me on. Odd. 

        Giles's Orgasm Days

        By default, Giles has an Orgasm Day on Xena's) first working day of the week. This is usually the only time he may masturbate and he is permitted to remove his device for this.

        Working days do not include weekends or holidays. With Xena's permission, unused Orgasm Days shift to the next available working day.
        A really simple system, harder to describe than do. We had the problem before of deferred orgasm days and how penalties apply to them.
        If I missed my orgasm on Monday due to work, then get to watch Xena masturbate (see below), when is my new orgasm day?
        Answer: When I missed using it, my Orgasm Day shifted to Tuesday. Xena cost me two days, shifting it to Thursday.

        Orgasm Days and Penalties

        Each of Xena’s orgasms sets back Giles's next Orgasm Day. The penalties are in working days per orgasm Mon-Fri penalty in brackets) :
        • She masturbates with him out of the room – 0.5 day (1 day).
        Xena nodded at this one. For me, it adds piquancy to what usually feels like a depressing rejection. It also keeps a connection between her orgasm and mine, strengthening the dynamic for both of us. And if it encourages her to masturbate more often -- that can't be a bad thing.
        • She masturbates while he kneels or otherwise in the room – 1 day (2 days)
        • She masturbates while he watches with a clear view – 2 days (4 days)
        • He helps to bring her to orgasm – 3 days (6 days)
        • He brings her to orgasm using a strap-on dildo – 4 days (8 days).
        • He brings her to orgasm through PIV - 5 days (10 days).
        A lot can happen in 6 months so I thought I had better plan for all eventualities. Xena approved of this without comment. 
        Other circumstances in which penalties can be earned:
        • If Giles applies emotional pressure in response to Xena's orgasm choices, - 5 days (10 days) plus 40 demerits. This does not preclude him whimpering briefly as an erotic response, for which she can apply demerits.
        This is the equivalent of the world dropping on my head. 40 demerits is well into the oh god please stop zone.  The orgasm penalty would also be particularly hard since I am sure Xena would be cross with me for some of that time. I put this in as a response to an earlier complaint from Xena. I'm embarrassed by my behavior and want to deter myself, at the same time assure Xena I am serious.  
        Of course, she always has the option to impose punishments like this anyway. However, having them in the rules makes them automatic and somehow empowers her.
        • On Xena's whim.
        • As the price of being involved in some erotic act. 

        Orgasms with Xena

        During erotic time, Giles remains chaste except for the unlikely event of PIV sex. Xena may grant Giles a chaste orgasm as long as she is supervising, i.e. at minimum holding his leash chain. She can curtail his efforts on whim.
        Again, a lot can happen in 6 months so I thought I had better plan for all eventualities. Again. Xena approved of this without comment.
        I put in the leash and not removing the device because, frankly, being told to go jerk off in the corner is about as depressing as I can bear. I guess that's sub drop rearing its head. 

        The penalties go up in weeks (i.e. 5 days) and are as follows:
        • Solo by self-penetration (if he can do it), no penalty. 
        • Solo by vibrator, 1 week. 
        • Orgasm administered or devised by Xena, 1 - 5 weeks (Giles may hold back). 
        • Spontaneous or unlicensed ejaculation, 5 weeks plus 40 demerits. 
        Mostly new stuff. Judging from the glint in Xena's eyes, she heartily approved. However, she's more than content to let me devise the diabolic schemes for her. The spontaneous thing is bolts and braces, but also -- to be honest -- intended to tempt her by making me vulnerable. I am deliciously afraid of this one.
        If it amuses her, Xena may set up beatings using butt plugs and other devices to encourage an unlicensed ejaculation. Giles will advise honestly on this.

        More carefully laid temptation intended to fit our dynamic.
        I hope this helps you see how we stay happy and kinky. If you have any questions, please ask... :)

        Don't resign yourself to just getting off on other people's adventures! When we started out, my wife was vanilla. Use my manuals to help you walk the same Femdom path! There's one for him, and one for her

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