Thursday, 11 October 2012

Conservatives can teach us a secret about Femdom!

In the UK we have lots of queens but also an actual Queen - old lady, wears a crown on occassions, odd taste in dresses.
And that's the thing, take away the deference, the "OMG it's Her Majesty" and you're left with something pretty silly - the Empress has no clothes on!" (Ewww!)
Less silly?

For example, (left) here's a top-flight lawyer receiving his knighthood. A moment of great solemnity and a life achievement but...

Most social institutions are potentially silly

The ultimate recognition for a hard-working lawyer who presumably earned every single ounce of his achievement is to kneel down before  an elderly woman who - though charming and hard working - is a monarch via random inheritance? What she gives him is a title that qualifies him to clatter around the medieval countryside rescuing damsels?

Isn't that a little bit silly?

The same goes for all the objects of relationships that underpin traditional society.

You can choose to see: a President as just a politician with an interesting record; a flag as just a scrap of cloth; a teacher as just a science graduate who couldn't get a research post; a priest as somebody with a friend you can't see; a boss as just somebody who holds the purse strings; a (traditional) husband as just the partner with the penis who leaves the house to work, rather than stays home and works equally hard....

Looked at from the wrong angle, it's all silly.

The right angle

One morning in AD1789, the French commoners woke up and - as one - exclaimed, "Zis monarchy she is merde!"

Monarchy stopped being real and we ended up with the Great Terror - not ultimately a happy thing. (Happier examples include the collapse of East Germany, and of the toxic regime in the Philippines.)

This is what conservatives of all flavours fear. They know that the entire social and political structure can potentially be laughed out of existence if enough people insist on looking at it from the wrong angle. Hence the loud "defence" of the head of state, the Flag, deference and protocol in all walks of life, and of the institution of marriage itself.

So, rightly or wrongly, conservatives are always rushing to defend this institution or that.

A Femdom blog is not the place to discus their choice of what to defend, and to defend rather than to adapt. However, they are absolutely correct in the way they choose to defend their preferred institutions; by insisting we only address them from the right angle; which is the one in which you treat the underlying relationship as real.

Treating relationships as real makes them real

Humans only think we are fully self-aware and consciously in control.

The sad truth is that situation and context mostly determine our behaviour. There are plenty of experiments to back this up, most notoriously the Stanford Prison experiment: pretend jailers and pretend prisoners quickly began to act their roles, and - however tongue in cheek or ironic their initial behaviour - ultimately believe in them.

Treating relationships as real makes them real.
The the real world, people - abused spouses, bullied workers, alienated teenagers - stay in bad situations they could just walk away from; the relationships have become more real than the practical means of escape!

This loss of perspective can be also happy thing.  In what Stephen Pinker calls the Civilising Process, the state, social pressure and choices made by potential mates forces the cowboys to become gentlemen, and then they start believing in it. I think the same goes for many very happy marriages.

So, the evidence is that most relationships gain strength from the outside to the inside.

Call it pragmatic or cynical, but conservatives have long known this, hence their love of deference, formality and protocol... sounds a bit BDSM, doesn't it?

Conservatives teach us to treat the Femdom relationship as real

In a  wonderful recent blog entry, Robert Anthony wrote:
The weird thing is, it seems totally normal now... which is how it should be I guess. Although I am somewhat surprised that we've never looked back, never had a break from it, never had second thoughts - either of us.....[my edit]  I no longer crave denial. Oh I still want Mistress R to control my orgasms and I still want her to tease and deny me for however long pleases her, but I no longer 'crave' denial, because denial is my everyday reality.
We've had a  similar experience:
Loss of perspective...
I want to tell her I love her. Tell her how much I desire her. Instead, I can only rub, pummel, and thumb her naked flesh until she's limp and relaxed. I know what's going to happen and I segue from frustration, through irritation, to a kind of erotic horror; I know we have a relationship beyond this slavery, but I can't reach out and touch it. I'm powerless to do anything other than massage her until...She announces that she's ready to sleep and does just that.
So, no, I'm not going to argue that conservatives are all perverts, or that any flavour of conservatism is inherently inspired by the Marquis de Sade. That's not the point!

The point is that our Femdom relationships are as inherently fragile, as potentially silly as any of the institutions beloved by our conservative friends. No slave contract is legally enforceable anywhere you would want to live. No punishment is really inescapable. No discomfort is truly forced.

And yet, our Femdom relationships - be they 24/7 or part-time, or some nuance in between - can easily become real to us. We can - gloriously - lose perspective.

However, this loss of perspective only happens if we take a leaf out of the conservative playbook and unremittingly treat the power relationsip as real.

Don't step outside the Femdom

He dropped her best coffee mug!
We submissives need to never step outside the Femdom. If we question an order or express pain or discomfort, if possible we must do it as a slave ("[this] will result in [that], mistress."). Mostly we shouldn't question an order, nor do anything to elicit a dommish response. Mostly we should accept the rough with the smooth, the boredom with the ecstasy, the frustration with the fear. Safewords, yes we need them, but only as a last resort.

Dominants also need - or I would humbly advise them - to never step outside the Femdom, not for practicalities, not for safety, not even for irritation. If the slave does something annoying the slave gets punished; don't flip into your vanilla role to yell at your husband or partner. If the slave is suffering but the husband seems to be enjoying himself, ignore it. If the slave is really suffering and you feel sorry for your boyfriend, shrug it off. You can cuddle him later.

Anything that looks beyond the power relationship to the consensual one wrapped around it risks committing the worst sin of all...

Why "not treating it as real" is the worst Femdom sin

Really, beyond safety, sanity and consent, "not treating it as real" is the worst Femdom sin because as soon as you go "You know what, I/you don't have to do this!" then the lights go up and neither of you look very dignified. One or other of you may look just plain silly.

The dominatrix is caught being evil, which can be very uncomfortable if she is ostensibly vanilla. She may also feel a fool for playing such a childish game of tying up and make believe, and suddenly embarrassed by her sticky-crotched husband cringing at her feet.
"...suddenly embarrassed by her sticky-crotched
husband cringing at her feet."

The sudden splashdown to reality is just as bad for the submissive. It's the nightmare of being found out made real, coupled with the embarrassment at his partner's embarrassment, and a fear that the Femdom will go away.

And if it does keep happening, then the Femdom will probably go away. That glorious loss of perspective? You can only achieve it if the vanilla relationship isn't lurking at the boudoir window.

She needs to know her orders will always be obeyed, otherwise she will start second guessing your wants, and you'll start editing your reactions to prevent this from happening. Soon you'll both be on edge, irritated and going through the motions. It won't be real anymore. It'll probably just be embarrassing.

So, like the conservatives do for relationships they care about, we must treat our Femdom  as 100% real.

For how to make this work in practise, see my Femdom self-help guides for couples where the female partner is mostly vanilla....


  1. "Anything that looks beyond the power relationship to the consensual one wrapped around it risks committing the worst sin of all..."

    Interesting. I will think about this some more, but my first question is "what on earth is 'the Femdom' that we are not stepping outside of?"

    I see myself as a complex, holistic person. I don't siphon of my dominance as if it's something separate. Likewise, I see my submissive as a complex person. I see our relationship as complex also. It's not a one dimensional thing where I have to behave a certain way to keep it humming.

    On one level I agree with you. All my submissive has to do to break the dynamic is say 'no', and keep saying it. All I have to do to break it is to stop asserting my will. It's easy to break.

    But it's no more or less easy to break than a vanilla relationship. All someone has to do to break a vanilla relationship is to stop showing whatever signs of love and affection they implicitly agreed to (since it's hardly ever *explicit*).

    Just like in a vanilla relationship, my partner behaves in a way designed to make me happy because *he genuinely wants to make me happy*. THAT'S what's real. If he stops wanting to make me happy, we have a problem.

    The reason I want a submissive partner is because that's the kind of expression of love and desire that makes me feel loved and desired. Because my passion and affection and love is aroused by him showing me his adoration in that way.

    I treat it as real *because it's real*.

    If it stops working, then you talk about it, just like a you do in a vanilla relationship, you figure out what's not working, and you sort it out.

    I think I may be missing your point here.

    My partner takes out the garbage because that's what we agreed he would do and it makes me happy. My partner kneels at my feet because that's what we agreed he would do and it makes me happy. They are both real things that form part of a real relationship.

    He can stop doing either of those things any time he wants. That doesn't make them less real.

    I suspect you aren't talking about play, right? If you are talking about play then I've misunderstood.

    I suspect this discussion is longer than the comments will comfortably allow. You have my email if you would prefer to take it there. Or perhaps I should just read your book first *smile*.


  2. This comment has been removed by the author.

  3. Thanks for the long response! No - you're right - I'm not talking about play.

    I think the problem is that you are already "there"!

    What you describe...

    "I don't siphon of my dominance as if it's something separate."
    "I treat it as real *because it's real*."

    ...pretty much fits what I was calling "glorious loss of perspective" (just as denial is Robert Anthony's reality, and - in session - I can't imagine not being a slave.)

    I suspect you got to that point with one leap of your 7-league thigh length boots. :) However, most couples seem to blunder around selfconsciously, conflating Femdom with "topping and bottoming", and sessions* with "scenes". This is especially true if the female partner identifies as "vanilla".

    (* "Sessions" - my term, I think. I mean visits to raw Femdom space, rather than pre-negotiated play.)

    If that makes better sense, I'll update this entry....

  4. Actually, do you have a blog entry on how you arrived?

  5. "...pretty much fits what I was calling "glorious loss of perspective" (just as denial is Robert Anthony's reality"

    *laugh* I could swear you just called me delusional...!!!?!

    "Actually, do you have a blog entry on how you arrived?"

    I was already here, I was just waiting for everyone else to arrive... Heh.

    And no, I don't. I might write one. Just for you.


  6. Not just one, I did *two* in case you missed it!!

    On 'becoming a Domme' Part I and Part II.


  7. I saw and read and was fascinated! I've been busy finishing the first of a series of Femdom novellas.


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