Thursday, 4 October 2012

Subs! Don't forget the vanilla (even if you are FLR)

Since we men like our absolutes, and since there's a culture of grasping for the "authentic self" (which actually doesn't exist), it's logical for a submissive male to want to surrender everything and hand power and authority to his - usually - wife.

Don't forget the vanilla
Female Led Relationships/Wife Led Marriage - great erotic fantasy, a reality for some, and a longed-for relief for many men (since adulthood is hard).

There's this snag.

(Actually there are lots of snags, some ethical, some psychological, but let's stick to the erotic in this post.)

In a Female Led Relationship, unless she's naturally kinky - and let's admit it, in most cases, the male sub was the one who introduced his vanilla wife to Femdom - you're not likely to get the deep and nasty Femdom action you crave.

There are two obvious reasons for this.

Domestic Authority isn't automatically kinky

"Where's my kink?"
Think back a century or so to when men were in charge. The women didn't spend a lot of time tied up,  there wasn't much protocol, and - though it happened - men didn't routinely chastise or chastity-tize their wives. 

It's nice to be in charge

If morality is not an issue, then there are lots of reasons why its nice to be in charge, and most of them are vanilla. It's great to be waited on, served hand and foot, to choose the colour of the duvet or get an orgasm on demand with no need to reciprocate, or to play away from home (if that's what you're into).

Reversed patriarchy isn't kinky

When female subs have time-travel fantasies, they make one-handed visits to eras where women were real slaves and save Victoriana as an excuse to wear corsets at Steampunk conventions. The year AD 1850 was not a Maledom heaven.
* * *
So, when if you set up a reversed recreation of a classic patriarchal marriage of yesteryear, why should you expect anything different from what your great great grandmother experienced?

Your wife may be trying to control the descent into kink

"What happened to the
whip and the nipple clamps?"
She may feel that anything she does may quickly become mandatory or routine.

Kink's fun, but not all the time

Yes, she might enjoy having you serve dressed in only a French Maid's outfit and pink CB6000. Once. Or occasionally. Or even every Friday.

However, she probably doesn't want to come home to that every night.

Yes, she might enjoy - or at least be happy with  - applying ferocious discipline, strict protocol, total orgasm denial some of the time. But this stuff takes energy. If she lets intense BDSM become your expectation, the routine price of her authority, then he's storing up trouble for herself.

"Not the man she married."

Perhaps she likes having a husband?

Plus, she might also want to enjoy having that thing she walked up the aisle to get in the first place - an actual husband.
* * *
So, if you've given over your entire marriage to Femdom - if you are "FLR" - then it's in her interest to set expectations and to avoid going too far, too deep, in case it's hard for the relationship to go back.

The problem is that without boundaries - without a firewall - kink still has consequences for her.

Why the vanilla space helps the kink, even in FLR

"What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas"

People act their worst when there are no consequences. So, the best way to foster deep and dark, female-driven BDSM in your marriage is to remove those consequences.

Permission to be bad isn't enough

In the morning, they're going shopping.
It's not enough just to give her permission. You're still asking her to be a person who beats her husband when the dishes aren't done. There has to be a place where the consequences simply don't exist.

Vanilla protects the kink

In the case of Femdom, that means a vanilla space. That way, she's a person who sometimes takes on the role of a person who beats her husband when the dishes aren't done. That way, utterly subjugating you tonight doesn't mean she won't have a cuddle in the morning,  companionship round a gallery, or hot vanilla sex in the tomorrow night.
* * *
So if you want kinky Femdom, you need a firewalled vanilla space, even if she controls when you are in it.

For help creating a firewalled Femdom space, try my kinky sex guides!

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