Thursday, 4 August 2011

Why communication is overrated in an authentic Femdom relationship

Well Robert Anthony has discovered that it's a bad idea for his wife to read his blog.

It's not that she objects to him blogging about their Femdom relationship. The problem is that she's on her own journey that's supposed to be about her own empowerment, and reading his blog is making her second guess herself.

In short, by communicating (rated a good thing in fetish circles) he's been topping from the bottom  (a bad thing in the same  circles).

The problem is that there are lots of modes for Femdom (all equally fun and valid):
  • Femdom as service really is all about communication. She's there to make your dreams come true. The prerequisite is that she enjoys facilitating your fantasies, more than once. This is the equivalent of a blow job.
  • Femdom as trade is all about negotiation. She'll force you to wear panties, if you'll agree to let her beat the crap out of you, but only so much... The prerequisite is that she has very specific BDSM needs, and is happy to trade them against yours. This is the equivalent of taking it in turn to go down on each other.
  • Authentic Femdom is  not about communication or negotiation. She's in charge and you do what you're told. This is the equivalent of going down on her, but not expecting her to reciprocate. The prerequisite is that she accepts being in charge... only it's not that simple.
Now, if you're trying for a FLR, or - as per my femdom manual - creating a Femdom corner in your relationship, then you're after the last option. And, if your partner isn't particularly driven to kink, then this is your default. Femdom as service is fine for a lazy sexy Sunday afternoon, but not for a Friday night when she's tired from work, or when life saps her mental energy. Femdom as trade is no good if she has nothing to trade for. So that leaves Authentic Femdom: even a vanilla person enjoys being selfish if there's permission and freedom from consequences.

The snag is that we male slaves (using the term as short hand) have usually spent  a lot more time thinking about all this than our mistresses. It's up to us to set the table for the Femdom relationship, and provide a menu... which is a tricky balancing act.

If we say, "Here's a place in our relationship where you're really in charge and here are some of the things I think you might enjoy - and yes I really will enjoy this," then in that space, our partner really is in charge. We're really being used, objectified, whatever - not being made to feel that way. There's no illusion.

But, as soon as we force things onto the menu that don't belong, try to nudge our customer to eat the tofu, and whine if they don't, we're manipulating her into service role, and the fun goes out of it for both of us. The same goes if we give her detailed feedback... "That turned me on, that didn't". We're turning Femdom into a game of Cluedo.

So once underway, communication has a minimal role in an authentic Femdom relationship:
  • Safety ("Not the throat...!")
  • Permission to extend what she already does: "It's OK to hit me harder/lock me up longer/not let me come..."
  • Extensions to the menu via sharing noncouple-specific fantasies (rather than wish lists): "I have this fantasy about being a Roman slave..."

But that doesn't stop us wanting and yearning. And that's fine. There's even a meta turn on. When I'm bored being a slave, the knowledge that I am trapped in that role is a turn on.... and I bet you're the same.

The thing is, not to share that yearning. She can't be empowered and service you at the same time.

So, if you blog like Robert and I do - and others - by all means have no secrets. Tell her you have the blog. Let her know the name of it so she can Google to it. But, don't ask her to read it!


  1. Some pretty sound advice her Giles! I shall look forward to reading your book, thanks for the email. And good luck with your blog, I will add you to my blog roll and hopefully send you some traffic.

  2. I'm sorry for the necropost, but I had to say that I was surprised to read this line: "even a vanilla person enjoys being selfish if there's permission and freedom from consequences" because that was exactly the term my vanilla wife used when we were having a conversation once. She said that She was having a lot more fun with sex because I had given her permission to say "no".

    At the time I didn't understand than from her perspective, I had actually given her that permision, because prior to me facilitating her denial of me, she felt a responsibility to keep me "well-fed".

  3. :)
    Kink isn't anything special, I think. Most of it has to come from a mixture of vanilla pleasures and evolutionary pyschology - being able to refuse you orgasm probably ticks both boxes. The challenge for most subs is taking their partner to a place where they can enjoy being bad. Congratulations!


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