Q: Why are you so dismissive of aftercare?

"Traditional" BDSM recognises the need for post-scene aftercare, meaning some sort of comforting, debriefing, or gentle re-orientation.

For example, she beats the crap out of you "in role",  then out-of-role, offers you a cup of tea and a cuddle.

There are two problems with aftercare in "The Vanilla Dominatrix" (TVD) style:

1. TVD style is about moods, not roles

Put simply, if she feels like being nasty, it does not follow that she will then feel like being nice.

Could happen. Might even be what she enjoys, e.g. in Send-Receive mode she may get something out of reducing you to tears then comforting you. However, suppose she's in Send Only mode? She might whip you, then shut you away in your "cell", leaving you to deal with the consequences.

2. TVD style seeks to minimise overhead for her

"Please please beat me oh please please... and by the way you have to cuddle me and make a fuss afterwards..." Hardly a winning proposition. Enough said.

This is why I warn you to make sure you can take what she can dish out, and, research safety, and agree a safeword if required.

With vanilla partners, it's unlikely to be a problem... it's probably more common to have to ask for harder, meaner.

If she does leave you feeling bad - destroyed, alienated, caught in a bleak place, vulnerable in need of reassurance - then you have two choices.

You can negotiate over the next time. However, unless she's already driving the action there's a possibility  that there will not be a next time.

Hints for self aftercare include:

• Step back mentally and revel in the fact that she has got you into this place. (Works for me.)
• Accept what you are feeling, it will fade, and you will masturbate over it later. (I do).
• Get back to normal as soon as the session is over; "Stiff upper lip, old chap". (I'm British).

Ultimately, you may have a choice between being either mistreated then putting yourself back together on your own; or not being mistreated at all.

Nobody said this was easy.