Wednesday, 9 December 2015

What to do when your submissive won't communicate

"You're in charge! Do kinky stuff to
me! But I'm not telling you what!"
Subs are great for throwing up their hands, dropping to their knees and crying, "You're in charge! Do kinky stuff to me! But I'm not telling you what!"

Subs do this whether they are inexperienced submissive husbands or wives having their first BDSM adventures, or veterans of clubs and munches.

There are lots of possible reasons why they might not want to talk about their BDSM desires and needs.

They may be inexperienced and want to explore without preconceptions. They may be shy or have difficulty owning their kink.

Most of all, they may be more interested in  the dynamic than specific fantasies and genuinely want to submit to you, not some canned experience they got off the Internet - there is a voyeuristic element to this.

However, this leaves you - the dominant - feeling awkward and exposed.

this leaves you - the dominant -
feeling awkward and exposed
And it goes against much of what modern BDSM culture stands for, namely communication leading to informed consent.

Yes, you could lay down the law, but it's not always wise or desirable.

If your sub is your life partner, them so much as asking for kink may seem like a huge step and you want to help them move forward, not lecture them back into the closet.

Or your wannabe sub may be really really hot, or somebody with whom you really want a relationship.

Is it possible to proceed without driving them off with a bad experience or, worse, being a consent-violating monster?


Just as we submissives protect our dignity by pretending we are sensation-seeking hedonistic bottoms, you dominants often protect your sense of being a Good Person by leaning heavily on being a service top; "Yes it looks evil, but it's a pre-negotiated scene and look at my rope tying skills and listen to my sub's loud orgasm."

However, subs are grown ups and BDSM is like a sport - the experience is always going to variable; sometimes your team loses. It's not a disaster if we have a bad time, or if things aren't perfect. When we give sweeping the consent, we benefit from an intense the sense of surrender, and accept that sometimes we'll be bored or uncomfortable or disappointed... that itself can be a turn on because it rubs our noses in our own powerlessness.

So if your sub just wants you to be in charge, there's a good chance that's what they'll actually enjoy.

And if they don't? Too bad for them

...there's bound to be some crazy
they haven't considered
that would be a hard limit
You don't actually need service topping as a justification, just consent.  Of course, your uncommunicative sub has already given you that - so the real issue is informed consent.

For all they may say "do what you want" and "no limits" (and really they should at least discuss limits), there's bound to be some crazy stuff they haven't considered that would be a hard limit if they had, and there's always the worry that some of what you like will overlap with that.

There is, I think, a simple way around this:

First set your own ground rules...

  • Tell them broadly the kind of thing they are letting themselves in for: e.g. there will be service and beatings and you may not get an orgasm.
  • Tell them the attitude you expect them to adopt: e.g. obedient, OK to resist, bratty... it's up to you.
  • Tell them an easy-to-remember safe word they can use only for safety (physical and mental - if they are freaking out, then they need to safe word).
Next, take charge...  
  • Do and get the things you enjoy. It's OK if these are mainly vanilla services, this is for you not them. That's the deal. Avoid any complex set piece scenes, unless that's what you want to do for yourself.
  • Get informed consent by announcing new things ahead of time, but in role. So, for example, don't just ram a dildo into your sub's ass. Instead, wave it in their face, gloat over what you're going to do, give them plenty of opportunity for the safe word.
  • Don't do anything intense during the first session. If they have an intense emotional reaction you are uncomfortable with, rather leaping to check in, dial down the activity. Later, during in after care ask them whether they want to take that further next time or avoid it.
  • Insist on mutual after care. You need as much validation as your sub does! However, avoid a detailed debrief.
 the power exchange will come to feel real
- which is what at least some of us want... 
Then, repeat over the following weeks, gradually increasing the intensity. 
  • Remain focused on your own pleasure - that's still the deal.
  • Trust your sub to use their safe word and try not to second guess them. However, don't be afraid to check in if they suddenly behave abnormally compared to previous sessions. (Consent doesn't completely let you off the hook morally.)

The downsides are that this is slower than just negotiating your power exchange, and that you will bump against limits which will be both irritating and embarrassing.

However, within those emerging limits, you will be genuinely in charge and the power exchange will come to feel real - which is what at least some of us want...

Don't resign yourself to just getting off on other people's adventures! When we started out, my wife was vanilla. Use my manuals to help you walk the same Femdom path! There's one for him, and one for her

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