Monday, 10 March 2014

"Consent Lite": Consensual non-consent, safewords and authentic slavery

Previously on Become Her Slave: I stroke her hair and she teases me about how many days I must to wait before an orgasm, I say, "Just so you know, that whipping was wasn't remotely erotic. I really wanted it to end..."

Xena interrupts with a laugh. "I know."

"...but nothing on earth would have made me ask you to stop," I complete.

 "And if you had asked, I still wouldn't have stopped," says Xena sweetly, and I know instantly that she means it. 
I want her to take my submission for

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Later, I mentioned the time she fell asleep after oral sex, leaving me on my knees at her feet.

Xena smiled and said, "That's when I realized I could do what the hell I liked with you."

Just hearing those words got me hard inside my chastity device. They also gave me a strong sense of contentment and validation.

I want her to take my submission for granted.

Letting go and accepting my slavery is the best relationship thing I have ever done. I have not been so happy with my sex life since I first got laid. Oddly, though, I have not had actual sex for months...

Why no safewords?

Yes, though BDSM culture is big on safe words, we aren't... and that makes us both happy.

Actually, not only don't we have a safe word, we don't have a traffic light system which would enable me to steer Xena away from particular activities or intensities without breaking character.

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It's partly because Xena's attitude to Femdom is "my way or the highway".

Like most vanilla wives and girlfriends of enthusiastic subs, she doesn't actually need kink the way I do.

Femdom is only worth her while if it is little or no trouble - she's not really interested in topping - gets her genuine services she enjoys, and satisfies her sadistic streak.

This last means that she's precisely interested in the things that a traffic light system is designed to stop her doing; ignoring me too long, using me without reward, hurting me beyond anything I can enjoy.

It's also because I want to be her real slave.

I want to live in fear of a whipping.

I want to let go and serve.

I want to be so much in her power that when I am bored and frustrated or in pain, I think in terms of my slavery, and not whether or not to use a safe word.

Femdom without safewords

So, how do we get away without using any kind of safe word?

First, we would use a safe word if we were doing anything that required it. For example, if I were gagged or put in such an extreme situation that it would be hard to be coherent, then we would adopt one. ("Xena stop!" I think.)

37 days without an orgasm at time of
writing (image source)

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Second, we have de facto safe words. Xena, who doesn't adopt any kind of persona, even during intense sessions, is happy to make me cry, but she doesn't want to damage me.

If I said, "cramp" or "dangerous" or "about to throw up" she'd react accordingly without any sense of inconsistency.

Similarly, if the ongoing denial - 37 days without an orgasm at time of writing, I think - were making me "irritable" or "professionally incompetent", then it would cease.

Finally, I'm lucky enough to be psychologically robust without any triggers left over from an unpleasant past. She can't really say anything that would traumatize me.

If I did have triggers, then she would avoid them for the same reason she avoids physically damaging me. (And she's unlikely to say anything that would gross me out because it would have the same effect on her.)

The end result is a kind of consent-lite that I like to think of as authentic slavery. I consent to have no consent. Things I enjoy, I enjoy. Things I don't enjoy, I enjoy because they remind me I am a "real" slave.

This is not much different from going on a wilderness adventure or taking up an extreme sport. The hazards are part of the experience.

Should you try Femdom without safewords?

As long as she knows you could use a safe word,
she can relax and feel a sense of permission

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Probably not, unless you've been married or together a long time and your dynamic is similar to ours.

A safe word is not just about the sub's physical and psychological comfort; it's also about the moral comfort of the domme!

As long as she knows you could use a safe word, she can relax and feel a sense of permission; she's not a Bad Person, she's just enjoying sexual role play.

However, if your bedroom dynamic is more Domination/Submission than Top/Bottom, then you would do well to avoid the traffic lights, let go and try toughing out anything that takes you outside your comfort zone.

You might be surprised how good it feels...

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