Friday, 23 May 2014

How we ended up in a Female Led Relationship Part 4: Conclusions

(I'm backtracking to work out how we ended up in a Female Led Relationship --  see part  1. )

So, now we're in a Female Led Relationship.

Not only does Xena set me chores and targets, I also anticipate them, and she hands out demerits and then beatings if I don't meet her expectations.

The bedroom phase of our evening starts with me kneeling in the corner awaiting orders, which she takes entirely for granted.

She gets a good foot rub and often a massage each night. At the weekend I sometimes get lucky and get to pleasure her. Sometimes things get more intense and there are whips and chains, and boots and stockings.

Meanwhile I'm in chastity.

I'm always in a device when practical and always for any intimate action. I haven't had an orgasm for over 100 days. When I am horny, I crave not a fuck or a chance to wank, but rather a chance to pleasure her and enjoy the reflected orgasm.

I don't know how I feel about all this.

Though I've fantasized about being a real life modern slave since my adolescence, part of the kick of the fantasy was its darkness. I certainly didn't imagine this is what my domestic life would look like in my late 40s!

I can't claim that this doesn't make me happy. Since my total surrender to Xena, we've both noticed that I am more relaxed, more focused.

Part of that is to do with personality. The roots of my submissive streak are existential, not erotic. Part of me wants to be controlled, to submit, to shrug off the burden of choice.

Mostly, though, it's a relationship thing.

When I'm not a sexual submissive
I am a raunchy, playful sex maniac.
When I'm not a sexual submissive I am a raunchy, playful sex maniac.

What I wanted -- and expected -- from marriage was to be like that couple in Local Hero, romantic with an infinite appetite for each other, always sloping off for a quicky. It turns out that for most of us, marriage doesn't work out that way. We end up spiraling towards the dead bedroom, occasionally clawing our way outward with tricks like new lingerie, experimental sex positions, and second honeymoons. The more the higher-desire partner pushes, the more the lower desire partner recoils. Throw in job loss and money worries, and what you have is a virtually sex free marriage.

Until the start of this year, I saw my role as keeper of our sex life. It was my job to read self help books and pester Xena into bed. It was stressful, unrewarding, and since it turned the sex into my thing, unfruitful. It's a lot easier to accept the inevitable and embrace chaste Femdom in the bedroom.

It's a similar story for the domesticity. As breadwinner, Xena feels cheated and let down if I don't hold up my side of the partnership by running our home to her standards. I have a simple choice between arguing about housework and feeling guilty all the time, or just doing as I am told.

Now we don't argue anymore and our sex
life is wildly erotic compared to the last
So, in short, I was making myself miserable trying to have an equal relationship with Xena when that simply wasn't available. Now we don't argue anymore and our sex life is wildly erotic compared to the last decade. So of course I'm happier than I was.

However, I can't stand on the outside to get a perspective on all this! Experiences shape us, immersive experiences do so at an alarming rate. Also, my new role pervades my entire life. I haven't had an orgasm since the beginning of our FLR.

Which leads me to another point. I cannot claim to have acted particularly wisely.

More than once I was driven by short term turn on when I nudged things in the direction of a Female Led Relationship. I didn't have to hand over my orgasms to Xena, and surely I must have seen where things would go when I suggested she demerit me outside of Femdom sessions. I also did most of my negotiating while chaste.

Was I following some primal instinct, or just a kinky fool risking his relationship? I have no way of knowing.

Finally, there's the question of how we ended up here. Though I've set out numbered stages, I am not sure the precise order really mattered. It's more like a perfect storm.

  1. We developed a part-time Femdom dynamic that was pretty much a more intense version of an FLR.
  2. In our vanilla relationship, circumstances shifted the power and control in Xena's direction. Supporting her and meeting her reasonable domestic expectations became indistinguishable from submitting to her. Maintaining boundaries caused friction. I had to choose between vanilla and Femdom.
  3. Since, thanks to the Dead Bedroom, Femdom had long become our only mutually satisfying sexual outlet, it was better to give up on autonomy I did not have than to damage the precious intimacy with the woman I love.
  4. Therefore, Female Led Relationship.

...ultimately, the economy made
me a slave.
However, the Dead Bedroom is partly a result of circumstances -- me losing my job, Xena worrying about money and so working long and hard and getting stressed. If I got a high-paying job tomorrow, hired domestic help and paid off our credit cards, we might well return to a romance-fuelled vigorous, if a little sporadic, vanilla sex life with a Femdom track just like before only better--you don't need to be in a FLR to enjoy Femdom!

So ultimately, the economy made me a slave.

I wouldn't suggest economic dependency as a strategy for a man seeking to turn his marriage to a Female Led Relationship. Rather than slip into dominating me, other wives would have left or cheated, or simply moved into the spare bedroom and retreated into a sexless life routine of work and TV.

However, if the idea of a Female Led Relationship makes you happy, then I think the best strategy is to develop a female-focused Femdom track to your relationship. Once you have that, then Vanilla to Femdom becomes a spectrum, not a gulf.

My books can help you introduce Female Centered Femdom to your relationship. It's much much more satisfying than just reading about it and yearning!

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