Are BDSM fantasies good when you do them for real? Would I do the things in my books?

My erotica takes me to darkly kinky places.
(Click here to download this book.)

My erotica takes me to darkly kinky places.

I'd like to claim that they are all escapist BDSM fantasies, not manifestos.

However, I didn't honestly expect to enjoy any of the intense kinky things that are now part of my life.

Back when I was young, I liked getting tied up and edged. There was a clear sensual benefit - long plateau phase followed by powerful orgasm. The other stuff I filed under "fantasy".

I mean, who would really want to be whipped hard? (Me, actually.) Or to spend hours kneeling being ignored? Or chained up in a cell? Or slaving away at domestic service? Or to spend weeks or months locked in chastity?

So I worked on ways to simulate these experiences, either nerfing them - soft whips, just a 30 mins chained or in chastity -- or roleplaying that they were true - "Hah! Slave! I condemn you to eternal chastity! Bwahahaha!"

Neither approaches felt particularly satisfying. Nor did either work well with partners.

Most people aren't talented actors or good at improvised role playing. Moreover, all that simulating required my partners to drop into the role of facilitator, certainly hard work, but also not really compatible with the dominant personalities of the women I tended to date (and have now married).

So gradually, partly by accident, I started experiencing my fantasies for real.

I started experiencing my
fantasies for real.
(Find out how!)

I am now routinely whipped hard enough to make me squeal, long enough for me to want it to stop, and though "enjoyment" isn't the right word, I'm certainly happy that it's part of my life. The effect is exactly what I imagined: thrilling fear, deep submission, intense sensations, loss of self....

I've knelt for hours at a time, and spent entire evenings chained in a makeshift cell. Again, it had the effect I imagined: I was deliciously frustrated, wonderfully relaxed, scarily powerless, deeply surrendered.

Then there's extended chastity... it seems odd, but it's an awesome experience I could not however undergo without being forced to. My sensuality is expanded, my plateau phase extended, my submission deeper and more acknowledged, my power exchange relationship more ever-present.

Finally, our Female Led Relationship, which a few years ago I would have dismissed as a foolish fantasy, but which now makes us both so happy.

And here I am, churning out books about men who are permanently enslaved and condemned to permanent chastity with permanent orgasm denial. Whose wives or girlfriends cuckold them with other women. Who descend into total power exchange.

Who would really want to be
whipped hard? (Me, actually.)

It really feels like a slippery slope!

So, how do you tell what BDSM fantasies would work out for real, not just in your head when you masturbate?

I think it's down to realism and consequences.

Realism is the gatekeeper. If your fantasy is not realistic, then it's not going to work out in practice.

Some fantasies are clearly not realistic. People into being eaten in the non-cunnilingus sense, are usually aware that the sensations they imagine are not the ones they would experience. Less reflective men who hack off their own man parts for erotic reasons are often surprised to find it hurts.

Some fantasies are also unrealistic if you research them. For example, long periods tightly bound are impractical because of cramp (and thrombosis!) and because of the need to pee. There are similar problems with stress positions or being human furniture. Days of intense 24/7 Femdom would also be too physically draining for most participants.

Realism is the gatekeeper. 

Most detailed just-so fantasies are hard to replicate in practice. Real people aren't telepathic so can't guarantee on getting inside your head to play you like a musical instrument, or do things with the right intensity at just the right moment.

And of course, some kinky behaviour doesn't produce the desired response in other people. Public sissy-style cross-dressing may trigger polite indifference, rather than humiliation, or perhaps a thorough beating from homophobic thugs. Putting on a chastity device isn't guaranteed to turn your conventional middle aged wife into a nymphomaniac cougar.

So if your fantasy isn't close to the reality, you are unlikely to get the experience you were looking for. At best you'll be disappointed and perhaps cause irritation to your partner. At worst, you'll get hurt emotionally or physically... which leads us to consequences.

Fear of consequences can spoil kinky experiences, no matter how realistic our expectations are.

So, to take an extreme example, somebody who gets off on the fear of a castration, would genuinely be afraid when faced by the real thing - the fantasy is realistic as far as it goes - but would probably not enjoy themselves because the consequences - not having a willy, extreme pain, violation of self... - would loom too large.

Similarly, even if our exhibitionist does get just the reaction he expected, his pleasure may be spoiled by fear of legal, social, moral and professional consequences.

However, I think it's fear of more personal consequences that keeps people from exploring kink: the consequences for their sense of self and their relationship.

Who I am at work is different from who
I am when I lick my own semen from my
wife's feet

Scarily - and here's the slippery slope - it turns out that most of these consequences are damp squibs.

Unless we have unresolved traumas, our sense of self is far more robust than we might expect.

We can do the wildest, most humiliating, things and still be the same person after.

This is partly because self is context dependent: who I am at work is different from who I am when I lick my own semen from my wife's feet.

However, it's also because if we want to do kink then we are already kinky. If anything, carrying around a secret kink is a burden. It actually turns out to be quite validating to just do it.

Kink can have consequences for relationships, but often they are either ones we secretly want - like our Female Led Relationship - or else don't actually manifest.

A broadminded partner can do dirty things with you in bed, and still respect you in the morning. Properly handled to insulate from practical consequences, couples can survive all sorts of shenanigans, from extreme power exchange through to the whole cuckold, hot wife and bull thing - not my cup of tea unless the bull was a lesbian...

Which leads me to: Would I want to be in my own Femdom fiction? I'll get to that in another blog entry.

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