How to tell which BDSM fantasies are OK to do in real life

Whips from Fred Norman

The other night, Xena merrily beat the hell out of me with  a selection of whips that Fred Norman sent us, including one he'd thoughtfully marked, "Xena use with love."

It hurt like hell.

I was yelping, groaning, straining.

However, I couldn't get away. I was strapped into a bondage bar. I couldn't get free if I wanted to.

I could have, in theory, used a safe word. However, that's not really in my mindset.

So I was to all intents and purposes utterly at Xena's mercy while she actually punished me for actual things that made her actually cross.

Oh and I was also locked into a chastity device, with no prospect of an orgasm for at least a few days.

Xena merrily beat the hell out of me 

So real punishment. Real denial. Fifty lashes that left me shaking, just short of weeping, and deliciously terrified of my wife, and still in need of an orgasm.

It turns me on just writing about it. However, the experience was so painful that I'm scared of the next time - which is perfect, because it was supposed to be punishment. Oh and living under the threat of such harsh treatment is both psychologically satisfying and a turn on - a pity about the chastity device I'm locked into right now...

Not really a game in any practical sense of the word.

Ten years ago, I would have fantasised about this, perhaps tried to get Xena to simulate the experience in nerfed form: lighter whips or a nice soft flogger, and I would have been allowed to get myself off at the end. "Have you been a naughty boy then....?"

Metal bondage, for example, can lead to
nerve damage. 

Which leads me to: How can you tell which fantasies it's OK to experience for real?

I'd say you can do a fantasy for real if you can answer "yes" to the following three questions:


1. Can the fantasy be done by consenting adults? We can skip this first point - it should be a no-brainer.

2. Is the fantasy realistic? A lot of fantasies ignore the awkward or unpleasant realities. Most extreme fantasies can and should fall at this hurdle, because deep down people know that, for example, mutilation really, really hurts, other men smell of male sweat and semen, and with the exception of vaginal juices, most of us find other people's bodily fluids taste and smell foul... unless we don't, or swing that way.

3. Is the fantasy safe to do? Assuming that your fantasy only involves consenting adults and is also close to the reality, then really all that matters is whether it's physically and emotionally safe to do.

 The person who actually lives out a fantasy
is surely less of a "loser" than the
mere fantasist!

Some BDSM activities are more physically dangerous than they seem, sometimes to the point of being life changing or potentially lethal. Metal bondage, for example, can lead to nerve damage. There are also, for example, things that shouldn't happen to your anus. The only way to be sure is to research whatever you're into and adjust accordingly.

Depending on who we are, some BDSM activities may be psychologically dangerous. 

People often exaggerate this fear! Is there really much difference between being a person who masturbates over a kinky activity and one who actually does it for real? Surely, matter how sordid and humiliating the act, the person who actually lives it out is surely less of a "loser" than the one who merely jerks off to it!

However, if you've been abused, or assaulted, if you have some deep-seated ideas about masculinity, then there are things that may trigger you or damage your self image. It's your job to introspect or even talk to a therapist to work out whether you're going to be OK. It may also be wise to approach doing it for real, whatever it is, slowly and with a sympathetic and fully informed partner.

BDSM isn't radioactive waste. 

Similar cautions apply to fantasies that may damage your relationship. If, for example, cuckolding is your bag (it's not mine, but horses for courses), and assuming your partner really does consent, then you still need to consider what this will do to your relationship... the one in which you have invested precious years and perhaps built a family around. 

If the fantasy passes these three tests, then it's probably OK to try it in real life.  

There's no guarantee you'll actually "like" it. 

You may find yourself irritated, angry, in pain, bored... 

It doesn't really matter! 

BDSM isn't radioactive waste. It's not a disaster if something you thought you might like turns out to be a let down. Just be sure to thank your playmate or partner for giving it a shot. You've not really lost anything.

However, my experience is that if it's consensual, realistic and safe, then the reality of a fantasy is far better than the, um, fantasy of the fantasy...

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